Definitely I'm trying not to read anything into her reaction from one hug.....I've learned that much so far! We're just going to go out and have a beer, talk about where things are, that sort of thing.. hopefully dazzle her with my wit! This was my invitation, btw.

Try to remember not to talk relationship talk. You should treat going out like a date. Relax and have fun. Spend time talking about something besides problems.

Yep, keep it light and have fun. Good luck!

Thanks.....Today, my guts are just boiling.....I feel like a teenager going out on his first date!....In a sense, I guess I am!

Thanks for all your good wishes......Send me positive energy starting at 7 o'clock eastern time!

Ron

Well.....the beer turned into a train wreck...I tried to keep it "light", but she went straight into relationship stuff....

In short, she said...."go find another girl".

She said she has too many issues with me, my kids, and everything else to even consider the idea of coming back. She says she still loves me, but not as a husband, and certainly not enough to get into bed with me. But on the other hand, throughout, she was crying......go figure

I guess this door is closed........whether or not it stays shut is out of my control.. Today is my 44th birthday....I had hoped for a better gift than this, but as they say, you can bring a horse to water..........

I guess my last question is this.......

Is it really over?

ron43, go find another girl, go on casual dates and see if it bothers her. While you're on these dates, make sure you stay pleasant to your W and make sure she knows that you're not sleeping with these women. Maybe because you're becoming happy (if you're not happy, act like you are and that you're having fun), be pleasant and nice to her will make her realize that she might have doubts about leaving you and it might also make her jealous that you're wanted by other women. If you have problem finding dates, try the internet. Once again, do not sleep with these women, if you do, your marriage is pretty much over and you'll be the bad guy.

For the past months, she pretty much told you again and again that she doesn't love you and the marriage is over. Do you have anything to lose by trying this tactic to make her jealous and potentially make her doubt her decision in leaving you?

Ron - is she still in an active affair?

Do you know how to put bumadvisor on ignore?

no, i don't.. I've pretty much realized that it's a done deal....I know that I have to kiss her goodbye, and start having some fun....

I was all determined today, until she called, and her and our daughter said happy birthday...talk about a knife into the heart! And then we had the most normal conversation ever.. fun, laughs......i just don't get it... How can she be so conected one way, but completely against me the other?

I know there's no answer that'll make sense!

bigkahuna, I asked her if the affair was still going on…..she said she’s still emotionally attached to him, but no more than that. I have the feeling she is telling me the truth in that………no proof, just a feeling.

And you’ll have to forgive me, I don’t get the burnadvisor reference!

Ron

Bestadvisor AKA bumadvisor who posted to you is a troll. I wanted to know if you needed some help in putting her/him/it on ignore....

You are making a big mistake if you take her fog babble as the truth. (Your wife that is)

ron43, basically, bigkahuna doesn't like my advise and she wants you to ignore me. Just ignore her request to ignore me. Whether you want to listen to my advise or not it's up to you and don't let bigkahuna dictate you what to do.

ron43, what don't you get? She told you before that she doesn't hate you and that's consistent with her wishing you a happy birthday and having normal conversation with you. You could follow my plan, but just don't have too much fun or go too far.

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BestAdvisor1,

This is a MarriageBUILDERS forum!!!

Please familiarize yourself with the MarriageBuilders concepts & principles!

JustUss

Ron43-- Best Advisor is Bum Advisor. She/He/It reveals her/his/it's motives with this... "you could follow my plan"... Stick with MB PLANS. They work and are about marriage building.

BA- It's advice (noun) that you are giving not advise (verb).

Ron-BA's advice for you to date others to make your WW jealous is the type of advice that high school girls give each other to try to win back their ex-boyfriends. I see it all the time (yep-I'm a high school English teacher). It doesn't work in high school, and it isn't going to work with grown-ups.

My advice is to ignore that advice and do what the vets here at MB are advising.

Ok, BA says date to make her jealous, what do the rest propose'? That's the what I"m not sure of. At thiw point, is there any use in anything resembling Plan A, or should I go into B, or what?

As mmuch as she says to find someone elee, I wouldn't bet the farm that she is convinced it's completely done.....But then I could just be in my own fog.

I'm beginning to feel I have to follow the idea of that horrible line "If you love something, set if free" of the seventies tee shirt fame..

Thank you again, everyone,

Ron

Ron,

Have you read my thread? Your situation sounds similar to mine. I think the A is done but WW is still very emotionally attached and is still saying the same thing, find another girl......I've been told that this is just fog talk and I need to wait at least 2 months from last contact with OM for her to start coming back to reality. It's easy for her to say find someone else cause she knows I have no intention of it and even if I did it would take the spotlight off her as she is still caught up in her fantasy

Ron,
You need to find out if A is definitely over and if so how long she has been in NC. Things will probably change if she sticks to NC.
I want to tell you that BigKahuna knows what he is talkng about and has been a great help to me, don't know if you have read my thread. If I was you I would follow the advice Bigk is giving you and ignore BA.

Hello Vladie,

I just saw your thread, and am only a few pages into it..Wow, does it ever sound familiar! Like you, even though she's said that's it, I'm not so sure......maybe it's just denial, but I don't want to give up just yet.

When I get to the end of your thread, I'll give you a call!

Ron

thanks braeworth......I haven't read your thread, but if you send me the link, i'd love to go through it....

I feel like i'm on a knife's edge, but it's my knife...i don't want to give up, but I sure am losing hope and enthusiasm for the whole deal.........

Hi Ron,
If you just search for my name, you will find it, it is called My Wife has lost her spark for me after her affair. It is a bit long, I have struggled at times with this, I have been through a false recovery and other things. BigK has really helped straighten me out a couple of times.
During contact and early withdrawal my wife told me she didn't want our marriage anymore, she also told me early in to NC that she just wanted to be single again.
She has since admitted that although she really believed all this at the time, it was just that she was so confused and had so much going on in her head, and that she now sees that it was just an excuse to start seeing OM again.
She has now stopped threatening to leave and is committed to trying to fall back in love with me and really does want our M to work. If your WW really is in NC, in a couple of months time things should be very different

Given all that has gone on, can someone give me some reason or encouragement to keep this going? I'm not sure what to do. Vladie has been told to let things cool down between him and his wife.....Am I in the same boat? How can you be attractive in the eyes of your wife, when you don't see her?

Shortly after the "hug" she was very communicative and almost warm, but that has died off, and I haven't spoken with her for several days now.. Should I try to maintain contact, or stay away?

She told me that she's still emotionally attached to the OM, and i know she still sees/talks to him, but I don't know how often. I don't have access to phone or email.