I'm sorry Ron. She is still wayward, that doesn't change the difficulty in you seeing it, but it is not a huge surprise, is it?

I think you need to be considering Plan B, I really do. While you are seeing some progress in her attitude towards you, you are not seeing an end to the A, and it is possible that your generally pleasant nature is enabling her to avoid the full consequences of her behavior. As long as things are pleasant with her "co-parent" she doesn't have to feel bad about destroying a family. This is especially true since she is not living at home. It sucks, but it is true that Plan A oftentimes just isn't effective.

Plan A is not forever. Start reading about Plan B, I am not very familiar with it as my sit. never had to go there, but you need to pull off a steady string of Plan A before heading into it, get a good Plan B letter ready expressing what you would need her to do in order to ever consider working on the M with her again, and get your mind and your heart in sync and ready for the change.

I think you should strongly consider this. I will see if some others more familiar with Plan B and the lead up to it will come give you some help as well.

Sorry Ron. Just remember: her A is not your fault. You cannot control it, all you can do is react with integrity and honesty and maintain your position that you want a chance to reconcile the marriage while remaining true to your own personal boundaries. If you are doing that, then you are conducting yourself honorably and the rest is, and always will be, up to her.

Take care of those kids bro, they need you!

I shook the MB tree a bit Ron. Hopefully some new minds will give you some love.

You have exposed the affair to the OM's wife, right?

Thanks Tyk....

You are my best supporter here....

Can you link me to any good Plan B letter posts? My god I hate this....it's going to kill my kids more than it will me.....bloody ******.... Can someone put Christmas on hold?

So sorry to hear that Ron,

I too am considering Plan B. I am talking to Steve Harley tonight to see what advise I get. Plan A is going well at the moment but I feel I am just giving her exactly what she wants - being friends. I feel she has no incentive to commit to the marriage this way. She has it both ways.

The A is over as far as I can gather. She is starting to hate the guy.

Hang in there buddy, the Harley's will give you the best advice.

Vladie

Hi Vladie...

I didn't know you changed your name....I'm glad to see you're still here! Thanks for the post. I thought the A was over, until tonight.....bloody h-e double hockey sticks...

Can someone give me any advice on how to deal with my kids? They've just started to really work hard at this....if I turn around and say their step mother is a slut, i'm not too sure how they will react!

Some tongue in cheek there, but really, what do I do?

Hey Ron - I haven't been following your thread, but I'm usually around on the Night-Shift if you want to chat...

Semper Fi,

RIF

You tell them the truth in terms they can understand. You thank them for thier help and cooperation recently, tell them that it meant alot to you and that it DID help, and it isn't thier fault it didn't help enough. You tell them that you love your W and you are trying to get her home and that YOU are sorry they are having to go through this. You use this as a way to show them that doing the right thing is not predicated upon success, but on the act itself.

Thats what I think, but this is a very important thing and I think you should read and perhaps get some counseling in order to be confident you are dealing with your kids in the right way. Given the kids, and the potential consideration of Plan B, perhaps you should give the Harleys a call, just to give yourself a little peace of mind that you are doing the right thing.

RIF, thanks for reading.....

Tyk, I'm going to speak with Jennifer on thursday night...I had a lot of optimism before this, now, i'm not too sure.... When I drove past her apartment, I would have keyed his car, if my keys hadn't been in my ignition!

Do you think, before i really go to B, that I re-contact the other wife, give him a blast, tell my wife I saw his car outside her place.....anything else?

Hey Ron,

I never had to tell my oldest daughter about Mrs. RIF's A's as she was only 3 by the time she ended her last A...

I would say that you tell the the truth... you don't have to go into details, but they need to understand that their step-mom's actions are NOT what a married woman should be doing... then leave it at that. You might also want to let them know that this has NOTHING to do with them.

Let them know that you love them, and that you love their step-mom and that you are fighting for the M.

Whatever you say, try to keep from dumping your FEELINGS on your kids.. they need to know that you are fighting for the family and the M and that you will be there for them. They also need to know that your W's actions are wrong...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Definitely tell OM's wife.

So I don't have to go back, what was the last convo you had w/ OMW? I woudln't hesitate to call her again regardless though. Throw all the wrenches at the A, every time one comes to hand.

Basically,....I'm afraid that if I go to plan B, it's the beginning of the end.

In fact, call her now, while he's over there.

I guess the only thing that holds me back (from hitting hard with the exposure.....again) is that my wife so far has shown no interest in things like spousal support (she makes a lot less than me) and my pension (she has said so far, that she doesn't want it..she could easily take half of my pension, which is all I have )

I'm a coward, yes....

Ron just call the OM's W. You can't save your marriage till you kill the A. Its up to you

Thanks everyone..

I will speak to Jennifer on Thursday, and then go from there. I know what you are saying.....******....i'm going to keep my wife!

You aren't a coward, you're weighing the odds, and you're on a cold streak, so its understandable.

You get to decide Ron, but there's no sense in straddling the fence doing 1/2 measures. Attempting to end the A to recover the marriage while not pissing her off when she needs to be pissed off just isn't going to work.

So either wade in and fight with everything you got, or hop outta the ring.

You said you're afraid, because its the beginning of the end. It might be, but I think that many WS really just do not GET IT until they are forced to truly face the destruction of thier M.

It seems to me that one of the primary turning points in recovery is when the BS truly has accepted that they have done all they can, and is just flat out tired of living as a BS and is finally willing to accept letting thier spouse go. Once the WS realizes "this is it, he's not kidding", things can change very quickly. It is at this point that my M changed, and I did not have to go into Plan B.

You don't do this as a ploy, because it is very true that it may not happen. But when you're ready for your life to change, when you decide that its either D or recovery and there is no longer a middle road where you share your W with another man hoping she will see your value, then its time for Plan B. Yup, its the last ditch effort, but it doens't mean all hope is lost, it just means you get to let her stuff be her stuff, and you get to start rebuilding YOUR life.