RIF...it's good to hear from you....and Free, thanks for reading....

These last gasps of Plan A are killing me......had wife over today for supper, with all the kids and one of the girlfrineds....it was a great evening, I made a fantastic supper, everyone raved about it.. Wife and I played with Stephanie for an hour or so, the big kids were great....it was perfect.....except she doesn't want to have anything more than that....I can't wait for this to end...

I NEED to know, how to prepare for Plan B.......I know what it is supposed to do.........I need to know how to prepare for it... unless it is only a letter and don't answer the phone....but I'm sure theres more to it than that.

So does she have your daughter with her, and you have your sons? I forgot - sorry.

Anyway, you need to get an intermediary, or some way to exchange your daughter. Also that will come in handy for messages. The only contact you should have is to discuss kids or finances, but it is better to get it all set ahead of time. That way the discussions don't get off topic.

Think of any reason for contact and eliminate it.

I have done that whoe dinner-over thing. In the middle of it, it is awesome. But then when they leave, you are still alone. Since you are alone, might as well be with dignity. Seriously if the tables were turned, what would you do?

There are many examples of Plan B letters. I cut and pasted several to get mine where I want it to be. Haven't sent it but Ark and Resonance and others are helping me get to that point.

Loving but firm. Paint a picture of how you want your marriage to be. Draw your line in the sand that there has to be NC with the OP. Let them now it isn't to hurt them but for your own protection.

Then dig in your heels.

Call your family/friends for support. Learn a new hobby. Cry. Write down your feelings - angry and sad. Don't pick up the phone, don't return texts.

Remember you are trying to reform this Alien back into your Spouse. Without motivation what reason do they have?

Be the wonderful person you are and eventually they will see it. They will miss you. Why wouldn't they!!

What believer said.

I don't recall any special Plan B preparations for me, but my plan B isn't a great one to emulate. If you can get an intermediary, do it. The less contact you have, the more effective your plan B will be.

The mental preparations are just as important. You have to steel yourself so that you don't worry about what she's doing or what she's thinking. You've said before that you're worried plan B is exactly what she wants--that she will be perfectly happy. You are going to have to let go of those worries. They won't be your problem.

You have to mentally prepare yourself for her to try to break your plan B. WS's don't like Plan B, so she will attempt to get you to have contact with you anyway. How will you handle that? Are you prepared to be firm?

She will accuse you of being childish. You can count on that.

What if she comes back to you and wants to work on your marriage but doesn't think she needs to cut off all contact with the OM?

What will you do the first time she does something that really makes you angry?

These are some things for you to think about to prepare your Plan B.

And what believer said. Think about everything so that there doesn't need to be any contact. Any contact--even completely innocuous, can trigger you and bring out an emotional response.

Thank you everyone..... You've helped to take a bit of the weight off my shoulders...I have an idea of what to do. I have an idea of an intermediary, and as far as exchanging our daughter, we do that at the sitter's, so there isn't much need for contact there. I drop her off Friday morning, WS picks her up after school, and the other way around the week after.

Believer, no need to be sorry! My life is very complicated with the kids...the boys are mine, with me (but as they are teenagers, they seldom are!), and Stephanie goes back and forth, a week at a time.

I was talking to the boys today about where I was going (one of them, anyway), I get a lot of support from them...I'm lucky there. They think that WS doesn't really want to leave me, they don't see the way she's behaving as someone who wants to leave. They see it as more like someone who doesn't know, or wants to take a break. Who knows who is right!

As far as the pre-Plan B letter went... I know she has received it, but I haven't had any comment back from her. I likely won't get any.

Anyway, thanks again everyone, your posts help me a lot. And since stomach flu is going through the house, I have some things to take my mind off my wife!

Sounds like you have most of the stuff covered. Be sure to think about financial things - have a set amount you deposit or however you want to handle it.

Since she moved out, we've been taking care of our own finances. The only thing that's hanging over our heads is the house, waiting for it to sell.

As for the actual enactment of B, is it better to mail the letter, or hand deliver it? Also, I remember reading someone sent a copy of the letter to the OM, or am I mistaken? What are your opinions on those?

Who ever thought they'd get to the point where stomach flu was a pleasant distraction?!

You're gettin good advice Ron, just poppin to say hi!

Hi Ron,
I don't see why you would give OM a copy of the letter. If anything, it would just let him know that you are stepping out of the way. If your WW has a reaction to your PBL, she may not want him to know about it... especially if it has the kind of affect on her that you want.

Ron,

I have seen it recommended by the Harleys to give the OM a copy of the letter. I think it's in Surviving an Affair, but I'm not sure. If you have another session with Jennifer before beginning Plan B, ask her.


It's not going to be this kind of reaction. If she were going to react this way, she would have done it to the pre-Plan B letter. She's actively wayward. She probably won't even read it all.

Well, the stomach flu has come and gone......Back to reality now!

Hi back Tyk, and everyone else.. I'm going to have another session with Jennifer soon, likely within a couple of weeks. I'll ask her about it then, but Guy, you're right...I'm not going to get any reaction at all (and both Jennifer and I knew that before....it was more to buy time than anything else)....I'm sure she's read it, but I know it won't do what I want. Actually, since I saw she had it, I haven't heard squat from her! I'm almost happy about that....

If someone did, it was out of the norm. Communicating with the OM is usually an exercise in futility. Whatever you say to him will go right back to your WW with a twist or two.

The only thing I would ever be inclined to do with the OP is whatever I could legally and ethically do to add disruption to their life.

Yes, SD is correct. It is right there in SAA on pg 81 [hopefully folks here have read that] A copy of the letter should also go to the OP. Pg 81:

p.s. And Steve Harley DOES recommend contact with the OP. For example, he recommends meeting with him face to face and asking "what are your intentions with my wife?" This gives the OP a chance to put a face with a NAME and humanize the BS, who has often been demonized by the WS. Dr. Harley has similarly suggested the same, telling the BS to "cause as much trouble as possible."

Now, that could cause some sparks to fly!

Well, only do it if you think you can be CALM and restrained. I could NOT do it myself.

Sparks flying is good....

Unless you're headed for court over custody. Calm is the key, and it's really not easy.

I'm not going to court, it's not likely, but I can't do stupid things just for the sake of spectacular explosions........as much as I want to!

I've had a turning point though....after this past weekend, and the reaction (or lack thereof) towards the letter, and everything else.........I'm burned out....don't really care that much anymore.. As far as I'm concerned, if she's going to leave, it's her damn fault, and any fall out from this rests on her shoulders... I've done all I can do

Time to walk... I don't really care if she calls or not, reads a letter or not, it's time for the pictures to come off the wall. My feelings of grief have turned into indifference. Damn her.

Hello Ron,

Thought I'd pop in to see how you are doing.

I'm no expert but it sounds to me that you need to go to plan B before your love bank dwindles away. I know how scary it is to take that first step but it really is alot more peaceful here!

My WH doesn't like it at all but every day it gets a little easier to ignore his attempts at contact. I don't know your whole story - I shall go back and read it - but if you've done a good plan A then you haven't done all you can do until you've done plan B.

Take care

Tarnsy