I have had several postings here. My husband has had four affairs in the six years we have been married. The first three were flings with no strong emotions but now he is romantically involved in his 4th affair going on for over 2 months.

Anyway, we have a serious discussion tonight about our relationship. I first actually started off with a prayer. I read a letter that was posted on "Notable Posts" that was excellent regarding a WH who recovered and stated his feelings. After I read the letter, I spoke from my heart and told my husband that I loved him. I said that I am willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage and work out our problems. Then, I asked him if he wants to be married to ME? He paused for a long time. He said he doesn't want things to go back to the way they were and we both were not fulfilling each others needs. I totally agreed. Then, again I asked him to give me a yes or no. Eventually, he said "yes". He said that he knows that it is the right thing to do. I then asked, "are you willing to commit to me and end your affair." I wanted him to call her up when I was in the room and end it. He told me he could not commit tonight to end it. He said that he needed to do it face to face. He said that he needs to build himself up spiritually to have the will power to do it. He knows it is wrong. He said he is not in love with her and it hasn't always been peaches and cream. We have children together and I am also five months pregnant. He admitted he is not being a good example to the kdis. He told me that by Sunday, he will see our church counselor for strength and will end it with this women by Sunday. I said he should not do it face to face. He said that it is better that he do it face to face so then if she comes at him later, he will have more strength to face her. I don't know. She is a co-worker and he said in two weeks she will be transferred from his department too.

He seemed very sincere tonight and I did believe him. I have filed for divorce and see my lawyer on Thursday. I wanted him to end it tonight. I don't think that was too much to ask. He said that he didn't want to do that to just please me and then go and hurt me again if he isn't strong enough. He said he would read scriptures and pray for strength this week. Seeing is believing too. I will still see my lawyer though of my wants out of this divorce. Even when this does end, I fear this addiction of being with other women will continue somehow down the road. There is so much we need to work on. There is one thing in ending the affair but what about future potential ones? This has happened before. Things go good and we are doing what we should and little by little we get relaxed about it. I do want my marriage to work but am I just wasting my time? I feel that he thinks I will stay with him no matter what he does. Again, here I am willing to work it out again the 4th time. I see alot clearer now my faults and were we need to meet each other needs. Is he really committed to me if he is still prolonging this more, yet he said in a week it will be over and he will then completely try with me. I'm I just letting him have his cake and eat it too for one more week? Any thoughts?

"I wanted him to call her up when I was in the room and end it. He told me he could not commit tonight to end it. He said that he needed to do it face to face. He said that he needs to build himself up spiritually to have the will power to do it."

Suzanne - he would build himself up spiritually to have the will power to do it by ending the affair. What he wants is another roll in the hay.

Hate to disappoint you, but this won't work. He is babbling the typical WS stuff.

And more - here is what Dr. Harley says -

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Suzanne, if this is your H's 4th affair, then what he has learned is that there are no consequences for cheating. This is what you have taught him, I'm afraid.

You are absolutely right to worry about future affairs - what possible reason is there for him to stop? Clearly your pain, or the risk to his children, are not important enough to him to stop his behaviour.

Serial infidelity suggests that your H has deep problems with intimacy and commitment. It's likely that he suffers from sex- or love- addiction and is using these encounters to cope with stress. The fact that he has escalated from one-night stands to an affair suggests that he is getting deeper into the addiction.

I think you need to get yourself educated about the problem. Have a look at www.recoverynation.com, which deals with sex- and love- addictions.

Then have a good think about your boundaries.

TA

Suzanne, have there any been any consequences for his affairs? Have you exposed his affair to his workplace and to the OW's husband so your H could answer for his behavior? Have you ever exposed any of his affairs?

I agree with TA in that he has no reason to change since there are never consequences. Unless he takes some serious steps to change his character, he can't be expected to change, and unless there are any consequences, he won't have any motivation to change. I am just wondering why you would bring a child into this mess?

Yes, a couple of people at work know about the affair. My step children, ages 12, and 13 know about it. All my family, his family, church people, and the whole town since everyone talks. Alot of people I hardly know have mentioned it to me. I gave him a list of conditions and if he can't meet any one of them, then I can't reconcile. I said that I have to be in the car while he ended it with this women. I need to be present. If he can't do this then I can't reconcile. He definitely needs professional help too. I researched recoverynation.com and it looks like a good website for him. Actions speak louder than words.