I posted here yesterday about finding out about my wife's supposed one night stand and her wanting a divorce. I went to a friends house last night to chill out and have a couple beers. Came home and she was there. I was slightly tipsy and really angry. I really ripped her one and made her tell me all kinds of gross details. I guess if you don't want to hear about these than you can stop reading now. I'm not sure exactly the rules for posting about this stuff. I found out she did things with this guy that she hasn't done with me in quite a while, deep oral sex, doggystyle position with [censored] slapping. This apparently lasted for 1 1/2 hours.

Maybe I shouldn't have asked her about all these details but it's too late now. Does anyone else have experience with this? Is it better to know about this stuff? Does it make it harder later on to forgive?

personally for me less known was better with my wife's 2 affairs. #1 i knew it all, #2 know nothing really and kinda like it better that way.

I know the pain is equal for both men and women but, I can't help but think it's totally different when a man finds out his wife was, excuse my language, a little slut for some other guy.

Cubed,

The only person who can tell you if you need all the gory details is you. Your call!

I would do everything to end this A. Exposeure is your best friend. Expose to everyone. She will be madder than you have ever seen her, but in the long run it is worth it.

Get busy here, read all you can. Shout out for MelodyLane and Longhorn for help with exposure. Talk to LA about getting your head straight.

DO NOT keep her A a secret from anyone. The light of day is the only way to break up the A, then you must get busy with a very aggressive Plan-A.

Good luck!

People keep telling me this but, I'm pretty sure it was just a 1 night stand. Is that something that needs to be exposed?

possibly. in my affair #1, the om dumped my wife or it wouldn't have been a ons. in #2, they kissed and she agreed to NC but a week later she moved out. take it seriously.

You need to read about Surviving an Affair, His Needs/ Her Needs.
Also about lovebusters. Calling your wife names will go a far way in destroying any hope of recovering your marriage. Detail needs are different for everyone. Many people feel a need to know everything, but keep in mind, that these images will last in your mind far longer than they ever occurred in reality.

Thanks for the advice, I am taking this very seriously. I do believe her that she won't talk to him again. It almost seems like she did this to show me how serious our problems in our marriage are. Believe me i'm not justifying her behavior. I don't know if i'll ever be able to get over this know that i know exactly what she did with this guy.

I've been reading a lot on the site about what you suggested. I just don't know though. I think what she really wants is to feel some real conflict here. I think i've just been so much of a pushover for most of our relationship that she wants me to get pissed.

Have the two of you looked at the emotional needs questionaire? You say you have been a pushover. But it is still unlikely that you getting "pissed" will fill up her love bank. You may be better off in thinking of acting out words like "strong", "confident", "self-assured" rather than "pissed".

You are in a quandry regarding exposure. It is a quandry IMHO that I have observed on these boards countless times. Why are you so certain that there will be no further contact? What is your evidence? Is your wife still saying things that in any way protect her "other man"? Does she justify his behavior in any way?

Has she given you information other than the actual sex regarding how she ran into him exactly, exactly the manner in which they communicated with each other--in person, through an intermediary, through email or cell phone? Has she completely turned over her life to you--is she an open book with all phone, email, bank accounts? Have you looked at this information to see if it corresponds with what she has told you regarding all contact they had?

The problem with no exposure is that it makes your M vulnerable to a resumption of the affair. It also is not fair to OM's wife or girlfriend as it leaves her without the knowledge she needs to protect herself. What makes you so certain that there will be no resumption of the A? Has a no contact letter been written, approved by you and sent to OM?

If you have read a lot on this site, you know that it is your choice as to whether or not to attempt recovery. If you choose recovery, know that it will take much time and work--many say two years is a good rule of thumb.

Sorry for the pain you are going through right now. I know these days are very difficult.

You're right. I think though that simply accepting this without anger is a real sign of weakness. As far as looking into all the details I haven't been able to access all of that yet. What do you mean by protecting him though?

Channel the anger into action that will help you protect your marriage. You need to find out the details of the relationship to help you protect your marriage. You can get this information by your own investigation or use whatever she tells you to get all information. If she is not willing to tell you all, that is a big red flag. If she is erasing information or hiding information--another big red flag.

Protecting other man = still showing any concern about how this all affects him and his relationships, not wanting to embarrass him, not wanting to cause him any pain, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

I think you should take a close look at the above. Is she saying and doing things related to this A that cause you to think she wants conflict with you? That is a big red flag that the A is not over and that her wayward mindset is still intact. If she is over the A, I can't see her wanting conflict with you. In what way is she behaving that makes you think she wants conflict?

You have decisions to make regarding exposure. Others with more experience than I have will also weigh in. It is best to err on the side of exposure imho. Take any fog away from the affairees, shed the light of day on their actions so that it is not a dirty little secret between the 3 of you. Don't encourage a situation where you remain a voyeur to a little tryst. It is an affair, a betrayal.

Cubed:

She told you these things to horrify you.

Most WW and WH never talk about what they did with the OP this early after discovery.

Many BS NEVER get the full truth.

Consider yourself lucky, or cursed, its up to you. Really. Some BS want ALL the info Some only want pieces. Look under the "Notable Posts" Thread here and look up "Joseph's Letter" Read that. And ask yourself if you have enough info regarding the biological actions of your WW's A.

It's getting to the pychological reasons for her actions that will take longer, and should be the focus of your efforts going forward.

Did your wife do awful things with the OM? Yes. Just on the face of it.

You have to get past that before recovery can begin in any meaningful way.

Because if you get stuck in the resentment of her, "she did this with OM, and not me for sooo llonggg" you can not start depositing love into her LoveBank ($LB) so that she WILL do those things with you again....

She will have to do her part, yes, but you have to make it the safe haven for her to return.

LG

Exposure is a tool to END an affair.
Not a punishment. It is never intended to be used for revenge.

If this was truly a one night stand with no further interaction or contact between OM and your wife -- exposure isn't needed.

Few questions for you:

How did you find out about it?
Do you think there is further contact between them?
What needs of her were unmet?
Why was she vulnerable to an affair?

She does start to get angry when i ask about it. She says she wants to be done with it. She keeps telling me that it isn't about him.

C:

"She does start to get angry when i ask about it."

A given. Read Josephs Letter. Let her read it as well, once you understand it. Then, after you have the discussion, and you know what you WANT to know, leave it.

"She says she wants to be done with it."

DUH. Josephs Letter....

"She keeps telling me that it isn't about him."

She's right. It's about Her. And YOU.

Discuss that.

LG

More important questions...

Did she know this OM for any time before the ONS took place, or was this a total stranger met in a bar, or other location?

How long has she known this OM?

Is he a co-worker or someone she sees on a regular basis?

Is he married?

If this was a ONS with someone she'd never met or known before, it's a bit different than a physical ONS that culminated from days, weeks or months of an EA that preceded the dirty deed, IMHO.

That would make a huge difference on whether exposure is necessary or not.

You need more facts.

Check phone records for tons of calls to/from another number, and check her e-mail accounts. Do some snooping and find out all you can about this OM and any relationship she might have had with him BEFORE the ONS.

Best wishes,
SD

i NEVER asked my ex for ANY details. for me, what i don't know can't hurt me. it was bad enough to know he had the affairs. i know what sex is and how you do it, i do not need the gory details.

i spared myself that pain. that was just me.

mlhb