I posted here yesterday about finding out about my wife's supposed one night stand and her wanting a divorce. I went to a friends house last night to chill out and have a couple beers. Came home and she was there. I was slightly tipsy and really angry. I really ripped her one and made her tell me all kinds of gross details. I guess if you don't want to hear about these than you can stop reading now. I'm not sure exactly the rules for posting about this stuff. I found out she did things with this guy that she hasn't done with me in quite a while, deep oral sex, doggystyle position with [censored] slapping. This apparently lasted for 1 1/2 hours.

Maybe I shouldn't have asked her about all these details but it's too late now. Does anyone else have experience with this? Is it better to know about this stuff? Does it make it harder later on to forgive?

It'll haunt you for a long time. To compound the issue, when they're angry about being questioned sometimes they invent stuff that they know will hurt you.

In my opinion, it is better to know than not know. When WH first asked me for a divorce, he gave me the ILYBNILWY speech and insisted there was no A. I found out soon after and he proceeded to lie about everything. It was horrible - first not knowing what went wrong in the M and then knowing that he was lying through his teeth and not being able to find out the truth. I eventually found out most of the truth through OWH and confronted WH for the rest. I also went through his cell phone text messages (incoming and outgoing). I heard and saw some very painful stuff - enough to make me sick to my stomach. But it was still better than the fear and panic that gripped me during those early days when I knew nothing at all. The truth, though painful, is essential for healing.

Trying to decide if it is better to know or not to know the details is like trying to decide which is better - getting stabbed or shot.

Both options are so painful and carry such risk that it is a nearly impossible choice to make.

I think the best you can do is pick one (which you already did) and then try to work through it. Some shooting and stabbing victims recover, and some don't. All you can do is try.

Cubed, Have you decided not to pursue attempting recovery of your marriage?

I'm asking because "I ripped her" tells me that you have a big Angry Outbursts. AOs are like going to the LoveBank and withdrawing huge amounts of points all at once.

If you wife is in an affair, which she is, your balance in her LoveBank is already low. Making any withdraws, let alone big ones, is likely to motivate her to close your account, ie divorce you.

I think you're entitled to divorce your wife if that's what you want. And if you decide on that course, you can Lovebust to your heart's content. After all, you won't care if she hates and loathes you.

But, if you want to save your marriage, you need to stop hurting whatever love your wife has left for you. Have you read the basic concepts yet?

Ditto to what GG posted, with one amended sentence:
"And if you decide on that course, you can Lovebust to your heart's content. After all, you won't care if she hates and loathes you."

I would disagree with this; if you go into divorce negotiations with her already angry with you (and possibly justified if you react in that way - it almost sounds as if you become physically angry) then you might regret it when it comes time for settlement.

Well, that's true, Avondale. Plus, I personally try to avoid all LoveBusters on principle. There's enough times when I have to disappoint or sadden people because of circumstances, my owm boundaries, etc that I choose to avoid needlessly LBing.

A preacher once said that having a spouse cheat is like the pain of having an arm ripped off. I remember when I found cell records to the "just a friend" and it felt like that. God never intended this sort of pain. This isn't normal LBing issues here, and it doesn't excuse going at someone in anger... but the hurt. Many of us know it. Hopefully you didn't hurt her physically, don't go down that road, get some space here.