The 17th will be my wife and my 5 year anniversary. We have been a couple for 11 years.
I can honestly somewhat say that I'm anxious for friday in the true definition of the word. I'm taking the day off to be with her and my son, but sometimes I think about not taking it off at all. I'm afraid of what emotional stress I'm going to be going through on that day. To be spending an anniversary with someone that I know doesn't love me and to feel nothing from her.
She had mentioned a couple of weeks ago that she would have sex with me on our anniversary. I can honestly say for the first time in my short 28 years of life that I actually somewhat don't want to. We haven't had sex since our issues had come to light. I'm almost afraid of what I'm going to feel emotionally if/when it does happen. I'm afraid it will feel like it's all fake. I won't feel emotionally bonded with her, the deep warm loving feeling that I get in wanting to please her. I'm afraid it won't be there.
I've been trying to think of things we can do that will meet her emotional needs (since the questionnaire answers are fresh in my mind). I'm afraid since she hasn't done much to meet my emotional needs in the past that she won't be on our anniversary either, and I won't be able to try to enjoy what I can out of the day since I'll feel like I'm giving so much.
Also, ironically enough, whether it be on our anniversary or farther in the future, I'm almost terrified to her her say "I Love You", if/when I ever do. I'm afraid I won't believe her. My pessimistic nature prevents me from fully trusting others and believing what I'm told, no matter how much I want to. I'm actually terrified for her to begin trying to meet my emotional needs becuase I feel like they're going to be fake and without true meaning behind them. I can't take things at face value, I look for deeper meanings in everything.
So, to sum it up, I'm having extremely mixed emotions about our anniversary. Although I genuinely hope that it's not our last, I almost don't want the day to come.
I didn't really have a question to ask or anything, just wanted to write down my thoughts. Thanks for reading.
