My son and his wife are having problems due to an affair that she had several months ago (and may still be having). My wife and I have been close to them and their children throughout their 19 year marriage with her being like the daughter we never had. To our knowledge, they have not had any marriage problems like this before. My wife and I have had a lot of friends over the years (we've been married 45 years) from all parts of the country and we have always felt so blessed because out of all of them, we have not known anyone any happier with each other and their marriage than my son & his wife. My son has tried and continues to try to reconcile their marriage but she is non-committal. We have critized her for what she has done.

Of course this and their future relationship has to be resolved between them and only them. However, to complete the healing process, my wife and I expect that part of reconciliation with our family includes an apology to us, not for her actions, but what her actions damaged, primarily for the breach of our love & trust of her and also for the worry & pain that she has caused. We feel that if she values our relationship, she should be willing to apologize to begin the repair of that relationship.
Do you think she owes us (her in-laws) an apology?
If not, please explain if you have the time. I am concerned that she sees it as none of our business therefore the affect on our relationship should be nil. This concerns me from a "values" standpoint.

Apologize to In-laws single choice

yes (85%, 11 Votes)

no (15%, 2 Votes)

Total Votes: 13 Voting on this poll ends: 09/14/07 03:30 PM

Don't expect an apology any time soon. Don't expect one until after she commits to get her marriage back on track.

Do your son a favour and send him here.

Presuming they fully reconcile and she becomes repentent SHE will apologize to you.

If they reconcile but don't do the work (the sweep it under the rug approach) you may not get one.

I would not demand an apology if I were you. I'd give them room and encourage your son to familiarize himself with the concepts of this website. IF, in about a year...an apology hasn't come then you know they haven't done the work and you may want to get more involved (not to pressure them for an apology...but to give them BOTH a kick in the rear).

Big K is right...send your son here.

Mr. Wondering

I have always said that adultery effects much more than just the immediate family, it's poison goes much further than that. The wayward spouse does owe other family members an apology because her actions harm them too.

My H did apologize to my mother and my sister and it went a long way in repairing the damage to those relationships. Initially, he wanted to me severe contact with them so he wouldn't have to face them like a man. Since I am not in the habit of enabling cowards,[ugh!] I suggested, instead, that he face them and make amends. He did.

Please send your son here so we can help him save his marriage.

Thank you for your observations. I have suggested that he come to this web site in addition to the other avenues he is taking towards reconciliation.

How will the presence or absence of an apology affect your behavior? What will you do differently if you do not receive an apology?

My Wookie just recently apologized to my mom and dad.

I did not consider us really recovered till he did.

He said that it was harder to do that than when he asked my dad for my hand.

Don't expect or ask for an apology anytime soon.

As the others said, it will take time and apparently your DIL is nowhere near repentence and reconciliation yet.

If/when she stops all contact with the OM she will go through sort of a withdrawal from an addiction. After that she will be able to see things more clearly.

What specifically is you son trying to save his marriage?

i think the focus should be helping your son and worrying about an apology later. it may not come. i am aware of the devasting impact on inlaws and other family members and friends, i'm sorry for your pain.

He has maintained a position with her that his only desire is reconciliation. He has continued with counciling that they began together but she refuses to go. He has read about 20 books on the topic. He has been on this web site since learning of her infidelity. He has listened to her rants about his focus on work (along with whatever else she is unhappy with) and has taken steps to implement change in each of those areas. He continues to be involved with their church, she refuses to go with him and she has shunned those at their church who have reached out to her. He bought the Mort Fertel program and ask her to go through it with him, thus far she has refused. He has tried to convince her that divorce will do nothing but hurt them both along with their 3 children. What else can I say? What else can he do?

LP, has he done anything to bust up the affair, such as exposure? Has he spoken to the OM directly? His best hope lies in creating as much conflict as possible in the affair. Exposure should be done to her parents, the OM's parents, the OM's wife, employer if a workplace affair, close siblings and friends. His children should also be told about the affair. [otherwise, the WS will lie to them about the situation, usually blaming the BS]

Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. Often, exposure is not enough to instantly kill off the affair, so the betrayed spouse will go into Plan B. Plan B is a complete seperation [done only after a good Plan A to lessen the chance of divorce] that treats the wayward spouse to a taste of divorced life. Sometimes this is enough to shock the WS into reality when they see what they will lose and realize that the OP cannot possibly meet all her needs.

The main goal of Plan B, however, is to protect the remaining love your son has for his wife and protect his sanity. If he continues living like this, he will fall out of love for and then the marriage will surely be doomed. He will also suffer from severe emotional difficulties from being exposed to this abuse for a long time. Plan B prevents all that. There are no good options in a situation like this, but Plan B is often the best option in a bad situation.

To Curious53...I have thought of that question and I'm not quite sure how I will react if they reconcile and she refuses an apology. To be clear, I am not pressing for an apology at this point, I know enough not to expect anything until they have resolved their own problems in their own time. But I have told my son that one will is expected when she is ready.
Basically I feel that if they reconcile and she offers nothing, then I will know what value she places little value on her relationship with her inlaws. In return, she can only expect civility in return, not love, affection, or concern for her.
I guess its sort of like being friends with someone you know you can't trust...at least you know...and you probably give less to the relationship. In most cases friedships are based on an assumption that you can trust the other person...and you give it your all until that trust is breached,,

Ashes...I am only focused on supporting my son in whatever way I can when he needs and ask...I am not pressing anyone for an apology...I have just told my son that to complete the healing process...she must offer an apology for the damge she has done to her relationship with us...and I only expect that apology if they reconcile...and then only when she is ready..

LP, I agree very much that your relationship with her will always have a wedge until she makes amends to you. It was this way with my H. His relationship with my mother was one of only STRAINED TOLERANCE and avoidance until he apologized. After he apologized, my family embraced him. Today, my mother ADORES him and has never once brought up what he did to me. An apology shows true repentence, which leads to forgiveness, and most certainly changes the QUALITY and TENOR of any relationship that has been damaged.

This is kinda exactly why I am not a major proponent in the "scorched earth" approache to exposure to everyone and anyone.

I'm sure LP would much rather have not been told by his son of what had transpired. It would also seem that LP and his Mrs. had or have very little to do with actually ending the A.

So once again, I go back to the concentric circle of who , and whom not, will actually have an effect on the A.

In the mean time, this exposure will surely have a lasting effect on the inlaws. That's a wonderfull expectation for the WW when the A is over.

But was this exposure necessarry? My personel opinion is, NO.

But far more astute minds than mind say "YES

I refuse to dring the koolaid. Sorry..

All Blessings,
Jerry

Jerry, exposure to the whole family, in the face of an ongoing affair, is very necessary and very effective. It is a GOOD thing that benefits everyone, especially the wayward spouse. It is ENABLING to help a wayward hide her dirty secret. Enabling=BAD, Exposure=GOOD. Like Dr Harley says, "exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer."

While exposure might not initially end the affair, it certainly hastens its death and cause conflict in affair land.

Additionally, this is a time when a betrayed spouse needs his parents support more than any other time. What will have a "lasting effect on the inlaws" IS THE AFFAIR, and the subsequent mistreatment of their son and grandchildren. There are consequences to affairs and this is one of them. It does not help the WS to protect him from consequences. It is not bad to expose an affair, it is bad to HAVE AN AFFAIR.

So yes, this exposure was very necessary and is advocated by Marriage Builders. To do otherwise is ENABLING, which helps no one

I must say, Mel, I reluctantly agree with the above. It still breaks my heart to see how the poison of an A reaches out in a ripple effect to harm soo many other people beyond the BS themself.

I'm sure LP and his W are loving and wonderful people. Makes me heartsick that they too, have to suffer from this.

LP I truly hope in all of this hurtful process that beyond an apology, which may be years in the coming, that you can step up and become the peacemaker of the family unit. I do pray this will happen.

Mark 5:9 "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be known as the sons of God."

All Blessings,
Jerry

You are part of your son's support group. As such you should respect his decision since he may have more info than he can share with you. If you respect your son, you will respect his decision.

That is how my support group helped me. I listened intently to their POV and suggestions. I used it where and when I could. I also asked for their continued support but also requested they respect my decision. They complied. It really helped to know my support helped me and didn't hinder me.

Of course during that time it may have seemed like we had different agendas (support group and myself) but in time it all came around because the goal was the same. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

See if your son is willing to call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. She will help him finish his plan A and implement plan B as needed.

This A stuff is based on a very selfish virus. Killing that virus is tough. Will take very strong medicine. We got it here @ MB but it will take some work. The pill is big and hard to swallow, so MCs like Jennifer can help make it platiable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Btw, it is good you and your W are helping your son's family. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience for yourselves and your son.


take care,
L.

Hugz to you and you family.
L.

I'm sure LP would much rather have not been told by his son of what had transpired. It would also seem that LP and his Mrs. had or have very little to do with actually ending the A.

Shine said "So once again, I go back to the concentric circle of who , and whom not, will actually have an effect on the A. In the mean time, this exposure will surely have a lasting effect on the inlaws. That's a wonderfull expectation for the WW when the A is over. But was this exposure necessarry? My personel opinion is, NO."

My son reached out to me for support when he told me of the A. At the time he was not aware of infidelity cure theories such as exposure. He was emotionally impacted by the A and completely taken off guard. For that reason I don't wish now, that he had not told me. As for it being necessary, maybe not, but he needed someone to talk to so from that point of view, it was necessary.
As I said before, the A may not have ended yet, that is unknown to me. I also believe that the fact that we know will have little if any impact on her decision to terminate the A. The jury is still out on that.

LP, what exactly is your son doing to end this affair? Do you know? I sure wish we could talk to him.