my WH got to be undecisive for 7 weeks. Over a week ago I decided to implement Plan A to compete for my husbands love over his lover. I told him I loved him and I'm going to do everything in my power to do what he was lacking. I also told him that I would like for him to stop seeing his lover but didn't demand it. As a matter of fact I expected him to continue to see us both (he has been). To my surprise...he ended it with the lover the very next day. WOW-didn't see that coming. He told me he didn't feel right seeing her knowing that him and I were going to work on the marriage (I'm thinking "huh, didn't feel right, but you cheated on me?!!?!-whatever)

So the house is cleaner than its ever been, he's been getting sex everyday (which sucks for me because all i think about is her and him having sex during and it makes me wanna puke), I'm wearing my lotions and keeping on makeup, avoiding complaining, helping him out more with bills (that's one of his complaints) the only thing i haven't done is the recreational thing--but that will come someday (whenever we fill out that recreational questionaire and can see what we both can do). For a cheating jerk (Gosh I love him so much I can't stand him) he's living the life. Got to cheat on me, got to have us both when he was undecisive, got his family back, now his wife is fulfilling every need, and he didnt get any punishment at all. It just hurts!

Now that you have some background, I have 2 questions/problems:

(1) Yesterday I found out that he may be addicted to internet porn, and even if he's not addicted, he's looking at it quite a bit. I haven't addressed that problem, yet. Should I- I mean its during the withdrawal stage but him watching porn behind my back is really bothering me. But I'm sure his lover wouldnt have asked him to stop. Im trying to implement Plan A to the best of my abilities for 2 more months. But him watching porn is a sexual turn off too...so not only do i have the whole affair thing, now i'm sicken by the porn thing. Is it ok just to bring up the problem and see what happens or should i wait? Remember its during the withdrawal stage and FYI we just received Harley's Home study course as well- so I'm trying not to put too much on him.

(2) I hate (love) this man so much, what should I do about MY emotional needs? Before I found out about the infidelity he wasn't fulfilling none of mine, and after the infidelity, he's still not fulfilling them. As a matter of fact, he is doing nothing to try to make me get through that fact that i'm hurt about the cheating. I know its maybe too soon (9 days working on the marriage) but thats 9 days of me doing for him and he not doing for me. Can you imagine giving 110% to try to make that man that crushed you happy but he not giving anything in return. I mean NEEDS. Yes he ended the affair, and so far I have no clue that he's seen her, and yes he's participating with the course....but other than that....no affection UNLESS HE WANTS SEX AND THEN HE'S VERY AFFECTIATE, no conversation, no kiss good bye and have a nice day, we dont do anything together but sex, he's not on the same page as me as far as raising our kids (he comes from a different (negative) upbringing than me) all he do is pay the bills. How do I implement Plan A during this withdrawal period when he gives me nothing?....its so hard....I can't help but feel like he really DON'T love me.

You should not expect your ENs to be met during Plan A. They won't. I'm in Plan A right now and it's harder than I thought to give and give and give yet get little to nothing in return (other than ambivalence). This is why you have to set a time limit to Plan A. I think the generally accepted advice is 3-6 months. It depends on how much you can take. I'm only about a month in and it's hard even though my situation is better than many others.

Whatever you do, DO NOT LB. Before I knew about Plan A, B, ENs, LBs, etc. I had a big blowout with my WW because I was so frustrated with how hard I was working on the marriage and how she was more interested in hearing from OM. BIG MISTAKE. A WS is not on the same page as the BS, so don't expect them to understand, they don't and won't.

I'm thinking Plan A will not bring my WW back and from what I've read on this board, only about 15% of Ms are saved with just Plan A. However, you have to have a solid Plan A for Plan B to work.

you are doing awesome so far - keep it up. definately avoid LBing and come post here like you did to vent instead. you are right, it isn't fair and it sucks! you do need a time limit as suggested - and maybe that will help keep you sane. if your husband has truly stopped seeing the OW, than i would consider that as something he is doing for you. in fact, that is a pretty big concession if it has occurred. remember the basic concept - keep depositing and avoid withdrawing and you have a good chance of triggering romantic love again especially with other person out of the picture. you can do it!

Thank you both for your advice...greatly needed!

I was debating about bringing up the porn thing with my WH but I decided what the hey....as long as I follow Harley's advise and not press it. So I did, he said he is not addicted and that he will stop. I told him I wanted this to be win win and that we should figure out how we can both be happy. I told him that me getting my way is at the expense of him not doing something. But he wouldnt/couldn't come up with anything that would make him happy. He said its just going to take him time to stop because he so use to watching it, but he has no need anymore since we are having more sex, so he will stop. Maybe that's his win--the sex. Even though it is repulsive to me (thinking about the affair)...I'll give it to him anyway. I'll be glad when we're over this withdrawal stage...I pray that he will someday see/notice all my efforts and what job i did trying to hold us together. I've never worked for anything harder in my life.


And Ashes:
you are right, that will be my motivation when I get down or when I dont feel like caring or feel like arguing..."He has stop contact" HE HAS STOPPED CONTACT!! Hand in there because HE HAS STOPPED CONTACT!!!!