I've been reading these forums for a couple months now and it seems a bit like an addiction to me now. Sometimes I think it's helpful, sometimes it's probably not.

Quick description of my sitch, but if you want more detail read my WHs version of events, his story. I don't think he's reading the boards anymore but if he is, I hope he'll tell me if he comes across this post since he got very frustrated that I was reading his posts (yeah, we have some honestly issues to work out.)

We've been married 9yrs, together 11yrs+, 4 kids including infant twins. My WH didn't have an affair, he's a sex addict whose never managed to be faithful to me our entire marriage. I had no idea until Feb07, than many new D-days up to 7/25/07 when I finally felt I had the complete picture - and it isn't pretty. His activities have included continued porn use, cybersex, inappropriate emails to friends/classmate/work colleagues, the distruction of a valued friendship b/c of his advances, kissing a colleague, going to stripclubs.

I HAD NO IDEA. I was such a fool. His problems regarding sex/affection tainted our relationship very early on and our sex life was the worst part of our M. I was very unhappy with it, but felt it was all my fault b/c he made me feel that way. I completely shut down. We were pretty good at meeting all our other EN, which I guess is why I convinced myself the M was ok.


WH in IC. We went to MC early after D-Day #1 but he was still lying so much it was worthless. I've done some IC but feel he needs to get his s**t together first.

The positives - he's here, he's trying, he wants to make it work. But we have so, so far to go.

I know that if it weren't for my situation of finding out while in a high-risk pregnancy and the incredible demans of raising 4 kids, I'd have been out the door. As it is, I've given us 1-2 yrs to try and make things better.

I'm not just hanging out either. I've read HNHN, and actively helping him work thru the reasons he got this way, and am managing to now avoid angry outburts, etc.

Our marriage before - WH would have said it was happy (but I feel he was lying to himself). I would have said it was satifactory. I did not feel in love w/ WH anymore, but loved him and convinced myself this was just what marriages did overtime. WH resented me and the kids, even though he was the one that pushed us into starting a family (I wanted kids, but wanted to wait). I've learned thru IC that although I think of myself as independent, when it came to major life decisions I was a doormat (replicating behavior I grew up with). I take full ownership of my bad decisions during this marriage, and the fact that I didn't demand more from WH. We both did a lot wrong.

Its odd though, in going through the pains of multiple discoveries, the total loss of respect for my H, the fear of being alone I've realized that I love him more than I ever knew. But I'm tired and don't know that I can make this work. I'm not sure I can try.

I know I could make it on my own, even w/ all the kids, but I don't want to be a single mom. I want to have a complete family. I don't want stepparents and weekend visitations and blended families.

I would even say I want to be with WH. I love him. I have forgiven him and understand (somewhat) how we got here. But I don't know if I can do this. Each day is so hard.

I wonder if I should just hit "pause" and just try existing, but I don't think that's really possible. And certainly not healthy.

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm pretty raw right now, so I'd appreciate any 2x4s be delivered gently.

--Just

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I think the site is very helpful, especially to get support from folks who value marriage.

Your hubby's thread was interesting. I'm wondering if he DID tell you about the email from an old girlfriend, or did you find out from reading his posts? That will tell a bit about his honesty and attempts to change his behavior.

I really do suggest that he go to a 12-step recovery program for sex addiction in addition to his counseling. He needs intensive support to overcome his addiction. He sounds like he doesn't want to do a 12-step program, which is very typical of some addicts. They will do all kinds of TALKING about dealing with their addiction, and not take much ACTION.

In the meantime, you must make a good life for yourself and your children, and be sure to get the support you need to deal with this betrayal.

Believer:

He got the email on a Friday and didn't tell me until Tuesday. So positive he told me, negative he waited to do so so as not to ruin HIS weekend. It was a big strike against him.

Another is he shut down a paypal account w/o telling me. Our main one is still up, but I now have no way of knowing what was in the other one.

He doesn't see that these "little" things are HUGE failures on his part and how much I need total honesty at ALL TIMES.

As for 12-steps, I'm not a fan either. Doesn't match up w/ my view of God and such so I'm not pushing him for that. He is doing NO internet surfing (at home at least) anymore and is ONLY getting on the computer when there is a specific thing to look up while I am there and we both agreed. So that action is very positive.

Of course, a lot of his behavior bled to offline, so that's just one piece. He is not going to any social functions without me and has decided he will never drink alcohol while not in my presence. All good stuff.

Maybe I'm being naive, but I think he will be able to stop the porn/cybersex part with his current counseling. I think he's learned a lot about the WHYs and does get fully that it isn't healthy and will destroy our relationship. It wasn't satisfying him, he needs to be at peace w/ himself. That will take a lot of work and a lot of time but he knows porn won't get him there.

My bigger problem is how do you stay in a M when your H has ripped out your heart and when you've lost respect for him as a person. I rationalized the bad in him for so long and now that I see clearly, I don't like so much of what I see.

But then, I'm hardly perfect either.

thanks for listening.
--Just

Another good site is recoverynation. At least folks here have mentioned it being good.

Counseling every other week just doesn't seem like it is enough, because he will be tempted every day. I am a Christian and completely believe in 12-step programs because they give you a way to manage from day to day.

They say that sex addiction doesn't have much to do with sex, but instead is a response to a messed up childhood. It is something about regaining control - I forget exactly, but there are quite a few here battling it.

It is good that he is refraining from alcohol, because it just gives these guys an excuse to act out. Is he a heavy drinker?

I realized I replied but didn't send it so to retype!

You're right - his addiction doesn't have much to do w/ sex, but with low self-esteem, not loving himself, confusing affection w/ sex - all stemming from a messed up, but not horrific, childhood. I think he's made a lot of progress in that area.

He was not a frequent drinker, but when he did drink, overdid it a bid. It helped ease him into social situations, making him funnier, boosting that low self-esteem. I think its a good idea.

But what I really want to focus on is not what HE is doing, but what should I do. I'm having a hard time reconsiling the past with the present. After realized I settled for some pretty selfish behavior for so many years, its like I have no patience to wait for him to become a better person. I want the better marriage NOW. Its frustrating but I guess that's why you must take it day by day.

A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that I didn't need to decide to stay or leave That this was our marriage now. It sucks, it's not a good marriage, but its ours and until the day we divorce, its our marriage and I'm going to try to make it the best it can be. There is a peace in that.

thanks for listening,
-just

"After realized I settled for some pretty selfish behavior for so many years, its like I have no patience to wait for him to become a better person. I want the better marriage NOW. Its frustrating but I guess that's why you must take it day by day."

This is perfectly normal. People who finally discover that they need boundaries tend to be very impatient. I know I was. Once I got the idea, I wanted to exercise them, and exercise them NOW.

It takes most folks around 2 years to recover and turn their marriage around, so you must prepare for the long haul.

My FWS - at least I hope that's what he is now - early on between our multiple d-days asked me to write him a letter telling him how I feel about him, basically an "I love you" letter that he could hold onto - so during periods when I'm angry about his past actions and having trouble dealing with all this he could read it and remind himself that I still love him, even when I'm angry at him. At the time I was so hurt I couldn't even believe he'd ask that of me. Now I see the value, but for some reason I'm having trouble writing it. I've committed to recovering our M and I do love him, but there's so much I still feel like I must work through it feels a little false.

Do you think I should just write it anyway - look at it as my version of plan a and possibly a major assistance for him to stick with his recovery, or should I wait until it feels right to me to write it? (frankly, I don't see that happening for many, many months, until I can feel more secure in our M again.)

tia,
just

justified, Harley's methods don't always work for addictions. Have you looked into the Everyman's Battle workshop? It is a 3 day workshop and then they have support after it. There is one for the wives too called Every Heart Restored.

Have you put a keylogger on your computer? I would. I also hope you have had STD testing.

It takes time and effort on HIS part to earn the respect and trust back. In the meantime, do what you need for your own personal healing.