DDay was back in January and recovery has gone wonderully. Our relationship is stronger and better than it was before. He is a loving and devoted husband, I could not ask for anything more. It took awhile, but I finally had to let go in order to keep us moving forward. I'm not as angry or get upset about OW anymore because she is gone, completely out of the picture. Not to say there aren't bumps in the road every now and again, and he helps me over them.

But there is one thing that I can't let go of or that I want to take away from OW. FWH and OW had sex at his place of work and in his office. If I remember correctly they had sex in another part of the building and she gave him a BJ in his office. But I can't remember if he told me they had sex in his office or not and I no longer want to ask. But for the longest time, I have wanted to take that away from her, make it my own. I plan on going to his office at 5:00, wait for everyone to leave and then seduce him. I plan it, decide what I'm going to wear, say I'm going to do it today but then chicken out. I get a sick feeling in my stomach and I am afraid that if I go there to do that then I will get angry all over again. But I want to take that memory away from her and make it my own. So when he thinks about office sex, he thinks about me.

Has anyone does this before? How did you feel? Did you have to do anything to talk yourself into it? Should I do this or just let it go?

Thanks!

Dear TIML,

Welcome to MB!

In my sitch it has been 2.5 yrs since last d-day. The OW and my FWH "shared" an office in a large corp.. I thought of this vary issue last night. In my mind I see a lot of things happening at their work/in the office. My FWH told me he used to shut the door bc of the "noise" from the other offices. Thus, the opportunity was there. I know I asked him about it early on, but to be honest about it, I can't remember the answer bc most of what he admitted to early on was minimal or a lie. So I was thinking about my fears of what happened there and do I really need to know? Would I tourture myself with this information?

What I did was to call him up (we are in 2 different states currently) and recalled a time or two in the past where we did the deed in his office once and mine once. We also talked about possibilities in the future ;-). What I am trying to do is replace negative memories, or even possible memories, with ones just of us. It was an effort on my part, but recovery is a huge effort on both sides.

I think that is where you are coming from. While only you can decide if you are ready to take that step, and you think your FWH is receptive to it. Question, is the OW a co-worker? If so, does she still work for the company?

Hopefully a poster named LG will see your question as he is a FWH with a similar sitch and perhaps he can advise how his BS dealt with it.

Best of luck,

nab

ok, the mistake you are making here is that you are equating something beautiful with something putrid. The office sex to which you are referring is about as romantic as 2 pigs getting it on in the pig pen. OINK! The OW is a PIG. Your H was a PIG when he did that. It was nothing more than 2 pigs wallowing in the pig pen. Surely you don't want to take that away from her?

You don't really want to take away the memory of her behaving like a PIG with a married man in his office, do you?

Your husband, provided he does really recover, will come to view his office trysts with disgust. You don't have to compete with that, TIMY. Your SF with your H is beautiful and based on love. What he did with OW was putrid and dirty and animalistic. The OW cannot compete with what you share with your H.


[my apologies to pigs for the degrading analogy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />]

Did he throw a FIVER on the floor when he was finished? Hopefully she got paid for her services...

I agree with Melody. Sex in an affair is different from marital sex. Just look at the places it happens - in the office, the closet, the bathroom at a bar, the car, hidden, hurried and sleazy.

I say let the OW have the sleazy distinction forever.

Wayzilla, Gollum and I all worked at the same company. When I left that place 2-1/2 years ago he got the company truck I used to drive. It was initiated in a similar fashion.

{[:{o}<<<<<<<Kaiser Wilhelm Puking Emoticon

If I had recovered my marriage the last thing I ever would have wanted is a makeup Lazy Boy in the back seat. Gross!!!

I would have prefered Gollum take it to Iraq as a volunteer roadside IED hunter.



Don't wrestle with a pig. You will both get muddy and the pig loves it.


"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

- Sir Winston Churchill

I never had thought of it that way. Yes, the SF my DH and I have, and always had is beautiful and based on love. That is a huge reason why the affair was so painful for me. But I was also thinking of doing it for the excitment, something outside of the norm/expected from me.

But the pig analogy was very good. Based on the affair and other things we found out about her, she was/is a nasty pig and I'm not talking about her looks but her behavior. I know as a person I am much better than her and I no longer compare myself to her.

TIML:

I call this "Owning your Triggers"

Your FWH had SF with the OW in his office, or Office building...

Doesn't really matter what SF acts he performed, in which office. (It really doesn't)

WHY?

Cuz you are determined to own that trigger.

You WILL implement the plan you had envisioned and then chickened out on.

And you WILL be better than anything that the OW did.

You never even have to tell your H WHY you are doing it. Because this is for you.

Triggers have been discussed around here, do a search on "triggers" and you will be amply rewarded.

You begin to "Own your Triggers" by taking them back from the OW> By going to the places that OW was with your FWH, replacing, removing or changing routines to no longer go to trigger places. Time helps as well.

My BS was ready to sell my Van. Because OW had been in it. Among other things... However, she thought, "Why should he get a NEW car after having an A?" So, she had it professionally detailed and cleaned. Cheaper than a new car, and she now OWNED the trigger.

You can throw away clothing and replace it, restaurants you can create new memories in, throw away other things that might be tainted by OW.

You can OWN the triggers. SF is a big one. Doing it in the places that OW was and doing it better=Priceless.

LG

My apologies to Mel, that lap-dancing harlot.... (FOR HER H! ONLY!)

In this case, TIML MAY need to have SF in the office to own her triggers. Your analogy with the pigs works, and works for many couples. It may not work for TIML. She may be trying to meet the RC and SF need of her H. And seeking to destroy her triggers.

SF in the office can be beautiful as well. And it has been with Flamingo and I. And I would never think that Flamingo has wallowed like a pig. (I probably did before Dday)

That is hysterical!

Mel is right on here. Funny, my FWH in his NC letter simply stated to OW that he had found that Sex without love was ultimately meaningless and unfullfilling.

Don't compare what you and he do with what they did, taint the same thing at all.

Who

Oh, and Mel:

Love the fiver symbolism...

LG

TIML:

As an aside, with all the pig references, your WH was there as well.

Your H was not.



Do your plan for this, or for other places you might like to try. Create new memories.

LG

Lousygolfer, Yes you nailed it. I am trying to "own" this trigger. Awhile back there was a thread in the Recovery forum and others talked about creating new memories with thier FWS, i.e. going to the places that they went with OP, having sex where they had it, etc and that is what made me think about doing this. Thankfully I don't have many triggers to deal with, since FWS and OW never really went anywhere, just a handful of times to her place. But she has moved and that helped me greatly.

Yes, I want to do this to take it away from her but to also create excitment for us to give us a new memory. Just like we have good memory of our afternoon on the boat! That's ours and ours alone, but it is a good memory for both of us. I want him to think of me as this wild little vixen. I've always felt that way, but am now really acting on it because of the affair. Tha affair pushed me from comfort zone, and it has been a good thing. Does that makes sense?

TIML:

"Tha affair pushed from comfort zone, and it has been a good thing. Does that makes sense?"

Yes, it does.

LG

LG, the pig analogy was strictly in reference to affair sex, not to doing it in the office. I am very much in favor of SF in most anyplace!

Mel, that lap dancing harlot! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Do you have any pictures from that day? or can you go back to the boat and pose for one? Frame it and put it in his office, you know what he'll be thinking every time he looks at it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />