Hi, I am Bob Pure !
My story gets referred to quite a bit on these boards, not because I am special but that my story was TYPICAL. The untypical bit was that everything happened pretty fast and I managed a close adherence to MB thanks to the wonderful people on these boards and some grit I never knew I had. Oh and God's intervention of course.
With so many posts and the search facility not being so brilliant I thought I'd gather important stuff together that may help new BS.
This is an update on my original toolkit which referenced a previous format of the forum, and also now includes some recovery experiences.These links are not to show up MY posts but to READ the FANTASTIC advice I received in these threads and the outcome that was achieved. I hope they give you confidence that you are not alone, that your life WILL get better SOON, and that MB applied properly CAN help get your baby back.
God bless you in your efforts to recover your marriage!.
The Battle against the Affair Firstly an introduction, who the heck am I ?
Who was Bob_Pure when I first found MarriageBuilders? My dear wife of 18 years ,Squid, had an affair that I found out about on d-day July 22 2004. I wasn't in good shape then , maybe just like you now
How did I feel on D-day? I was blessed by finding Marriagebuilders only three days after d-day.
My early posts show my state of mind and heart. My dear Squid had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a snarling, spitting thing that made no sense,and hated me, our kids, friends, relatives...everyone but OM. The fog was thick and I had no idea what to do: Look at my desperation and misery BUT ALSO at the WONDERFUL advice and care this stranger got from MBers ! You are NOT alone on MB ! There are Angels here !
And they were not talking only to me but to every desperate Betrayed Spouse that ever reads this !Note how generous in support are the FWS on this site.
Do NOT be mean to them because infidelity hurt you. It hurt them too. You will NEED their insights. I learned from them how my Squid was feeling when she couldn't tell me herself. Their insight and support was central to our recovery.
See my early posts show hopelessness BUT see the uplifting advice from MBers, old and new alike !
First hopeless mess thread I was soon pointed at a FANTASTIC resource on this board - WorthATry's Quickstart for new Betrayed Spouses. This thread has saved more than one life I am sure.New BS READ THIS and digest it. THIS and prayer are all you need for a while.
WAT's WONDERFUL guide to new betrayed spouses Also read CAREFULLY Dr Harleys wonderful, indispensable online guide:
Surviving Infidelity - Dr. Harley's online guide It made me read every word on the site which made me buy "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. I soon began to implement 'Plan A'.
Plan A advice from the experts I also learned to develop and apply a tool that helped me stay sane in the face of insanity from WW !
Description of "Loving Detachment"Plan A is as much an exercise in hope and fear control as it is in stopping the affair. It has a massive secondary benefit of delivering self-control and self-determination to the BS if done right I know this!
I know that a BS can be driven to meekness and acceptence by fear of the situation getting even worse. This is NOT the right thing to do ! Be courageous ! Do not end up like
MIKE Ultimate price for BS meekness BS can get impatient with plan A, when really exposure is needed.
Experts stop my impatience with Plan A Here is a wonderful resource again from friend WorthATry describing the process and benefits of exposing the affair to the OPs spouse and others.
WAT's guide to affair exposure 101 Exposure was the most effective and satisfying tool against the affair that I used ! Melody Lane , Pepperband and WAT almost BULLIED me into doing this when I was weak and felt like exposing would drive my wife away from me into the arms of her lover.
I learned that the crud of an affair is only deep enough to drown you if you cringe in it. Exposure is righteous and can be REALLY effective, but brace for the shockwaves.
Wierd affair dynamics with WS and his GFYou can expect nastiness from your WS BUT exposure is important for all parties affected. And tell me the thought of OP dodging righteously thrown crockery for a day or two doesn't make you smile....
WS and OP don't like exposure much !Spiteful Fog from WS after exposure....Remember that you are not the only innocent hurt party in the affair.Doesn't OPs spouse ( if there is one) deserve to know what they're married to ? In my case sending proof of PA to OM's GF was the catalyst that eventually sent OM into therapy and set their relationship on the road to recovery. NEVER feel that exposing is immoral JUST BECAUSE it "feels" vengeful. OM GF has thanked me for my BRAVERY in exposing to her and helping start their R recovery.
OM GF begs for proof of the affair When you have a seedling recovery SO...if starting plan A and exposing gets OP to dump your baby (as I was blessed to find) you STILL have work ahead of you, dear BS. Recovery is like climbing out of a long tunnel only to see miles of desert in every direction. You need a compass, not a map any longer.
And your WS will be mean as a snake for a while yet.
You may be tempted and think " is it worth it?"
Is is all worth it? Temptation of BS in Plan A Your FWS will probably suffer withdrawal fom their feelings of addiction to the affair and OP. You must support them through this, even though it hurts you so badly.
Suzet's wonderful guide to withdrawal You think " I don't want this betrayer back"
Don't particularly want her back You will wonder if your FWS will ever love you again...
Will she love me again? Am I second choice? You may find you are tempted to settle for the easy way, and cease recovery as soon as your WS is back in your arms BUT DO NOT ! Strive for a GREAT marriage for both of you !
Do not discount the readmission price to your heart due to loneliness You may feel you can never be part of a couple again - its OK to feel these things and discuss them :
Each of us is alone in this life Your FWS and yourself may reflect on what is the MESSAGE of your experiences : the reason for the FWS affair, and what the BS feels they are left with in recovery. This post started by the wonderful Smur is a jewel-box of FWS and BS introspection. Read and empathize:
Why did the affair happen ?? What is a BS left with afterwards?After a while, MB concepts like POJA and PORH become part of your vocabulary with your FWS POJA even important stuff like contact with OMW.
And you find yourself after WS withdrawal in recovery. In Plan A or plan B you had only one objective - stop the affair. Recovery is just as hard, but less easily targetted.
You may feel that although life is improving your WS is not as contrite as you would hope for or expect, they may be affected by one of the many complex emotions suffered by FWS.
You may not see it now,but affairs are hard on them too. There are no easy lives after an affair.
Get inside a FWS head As a BS, you will find most everything you are advised to do is against your instinct. Amongst the hardest things I did was forgive my Squid. But I got back more than I could have dreamed.
Discussion on total forgiveness And you may find yourself taking more blame than you deserve for the poor M which may have led to your WS affair
Is it all my fault ?If you have scanned through for some of these I hope you may have seen parallels with your own seemingly hopeless situation.
PHASES OF RECOVERY I have seen my own recovery, and that of many other BS follow predictable steps. The steps or stages may be similar but the timelines are very different. Also, once the full set has been run through, stages can be selected in seemigly random fashion.
1.- Devastation.Fear, shock, confusion, existential pain. Loss of hopes, dreams and every assumption about God and man.
D-day and just afterwards. Don't want to go there again, ever.
2.- Appeasement.OK, I've been dealt a [email]cr@p[/email] hand, but if she will at least stay home SOME of mt life support systems may at least function a bit.
3.- Indignation.F'k that ! I'm stronger now and i WILL NOT suck up any more pain than I have to. Still scared, but not settling for crumbs.This is where MB gets SERIOUSLY assimilated and applied. Turns hatred on OM as being to blame for affair.
4.- Gratitude.The affair is ended, WS sends NC letter, exposure scares OM into darkness. THANK YOU GOD ! LA LA LA LA LA ! Still suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.
5.-"Advising others how to be wonderfully recovered like I am"We have like SF 3 times a day, and a restored marriage is a decent possibility again and I am so PATHETICALLY grateful to not be in the deepest [email]cr@p[/email] imaginable I am hyper-happy. Yessiree, no recovery problems for me !This is it for ever and it only took us x months ! Secretly suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.
6.-"Ah, theres an elephant in the sitting room"So day to day life has been OK for a while now. SF, even maybe some ILYs. Kids are happy. Life is ACTUALLY not happier than for years but it is so much better than during the dark times of the affair and withdrawal that it seems that way. But you start to notice the 'elephant' in the sitting room : the enormous baggage of the affair that the BS has been previously too 'fight or flight' or psychotically happy to address. Suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.
7.- "I am angry and I don't need you so why am I here ?"BS has operated in a loveless and hurt world for so long is now almost completely self sufficient. Is no longer even slightly desperate. Does not NEED FWS as whole life support mechanism has HAD to regrow without her while she betrayed and sulked over the months. Feels indignation at both the insult of the affair AND the insult of FWS not contributing HARD to recovery. Feels like an ATM machine and bodyguard
and hugely taken for granted. KNOWS FWS still loves OP.
8. - What about MY needs ?BS has developed a sense of self worth independent of what others think. Has had to. Thinks he deserves MUCH more affection, admiration respect, gratitude. " I didn't put this amount of effort in just to be nagged at all the time, and never be praised. I deserve MORE than that!." The kids happiness at a stable family quells thoughts of rebellion. realises OP was just an amoral scumbag who made the most of an opportunity FWS offered , 100% of the blame for the A is FWS. This hits hard.
9. - ResignationThe kids are happy, I am not unhappy, FWS is happy, this is just my lot in life. Better get on with it.
10.- make or break drive to get a M the BS deserves.An effort from BS to challenge the peaceful but unsatisfying status quo in an attempt to get BS needs met.
If you are prepared for the loops in this rollercoaster it may help you ride the waves.
Much of recovery is managing the tension between
ACCEPTENCE(stopping raging against the facts of betrayal) and
SETTLING (Deciding to stop pushing for further marriage improvements, out of fear or battle fatigue)
Settling for an imperfect marriage in recovery ?Just to show that MY fight was worth it, here is what happened on our 20th anniversary in September 2006 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Our 20th anniversary. I guess we m.../smile.gif" alt="" /> Well, I wrote this to give you hope that you CAN get your baby back and be happy again.
Take heart, new BS. Your heart CAN be mended. Follow the advice of the wise folks on this board.
Be brave. May God bless your noble fight.
