I just spoke with a counselor and they suggested that I did not expose the affair early. My husband has had the affair for 7 months. I would like to know - we have many friends who would help us but I was embarrased for him. Should I have them call and reach out to him? Do I mention that he is having an affair? My child is crying a lot more and I can't wait for my H to get through the fog. Do you think this might help? They probably can only do it over a week? Should I give them details etc. or just simply that our marriage is in trouble? Thank you.

If you go a counselor that doesn't use or understand the MB approach, you won't get advice consistent with what you get here.

Pick a plan, and stick with it. Be it the Harley's plan here, or the plan that your MC is providing...that's up to you to choose. But trying to do conflicting plans at the same time is a sure way to fail.

sahmom,

Have you read this website thoroughly? Do you understand the MB principles and how they work in ending an affair and rebuilding a marriage?

If not, you really should. You really have a choice here between protecting your WH from being "embarrassed" or saving your marriage. Your choice, what will you do?

Who

You realy should stick to one thread. I think that several people have answered this question for you already.

Here is the thing. Your WH may not ever come out of the fog. What then? What are you going to do help your child?

I have read some of your posts, and I can see that you are in a panic. You are looking for that one magic thing to do, or say, that will bring him back. You are waiting for him to return so that you will be ok again,and your child will be ok again.
I want to tell you that you will be ok again no matter what happens. You are a human being, who is worthy to be loved. You have value. you will be ok again, no matter what your WH does. So what can you do for your child, right now, to help bring peace, and safety, to your childs life?

First, I would suggest that you tell your whole story, right here. Dont start another thread. just tell the whole sstory, so people can help you.
who is the OW? Do you know her? Is she married? Does she have kids? How did you find out about the A? Who do you have on your support team? What do you think has happened in your WH's life that lead him to this bad choice? What would your WH say is his excuse?

wht legal things have happened so far?

I am with WOF,

My WW never came back, I am in recovery just the same in my case it is Jims recovery, I am doing ok. not great, not bad. But I am making it, but I am not scared anymore, I know I have value, I am continiuong to improve and get stronger.

Jim

Thanks to those who have given me advice. The person who wrote I am in a panic is correct. I am at a total loss and devestated. Unlike you all, I am not able to see past the immediate. He has broken me to my core and I just can't seem to get up. He says something mean and I am just silent. I am too too afraid to say something either way b/c I don't want to make him mad. He is running circles around me and treating me like a babysitter. If he wants a vacation he will just leave and doesn't concern himself if I had plans or not. I don't know how to stand up for myself without risking losing him. I want to tell some our friends for help but I don't want to embarrass him. I also cannot compete with the OW- I am sure she is very pretty and very assertive.
As far as the story, I think the OW has 3 children and I don't know her. I try to avoid public places with other moms b/c I am so ashamed. She has forfeited her right to alimony so I know she is probably agressively trying to win my husband. My support team thinks he is not in his right mind and is very concerned for me and him. They want me to protect myself but I just can't seem to b/c the reality of the situation is too unbearable. I just keep on hoping and waiting he will turn around. He says he was unhappy- I wish he would have told me. We have had a stressful couple of years but I was married for my life. He knows this and is using all he can to make me feel worse. He knows he has me b/c he also knows I am sad due to losing a baby. He left a couple of days later. I love my husband very much we have been married over 10 years and I just am still in shock and can't accept this. He has totally changed and now has rewritten history.

I need to find a way to make this work. The alternative looks very different for me. I am usually a fighter but I just can't cross that line. I have yet to get angry and I am just devestated that he was so unhappy to lead him to this destruction. That hurts me proabaly more than the affair.

I believe there is something that can help with those who choose to reconcile and those who don't. I know that the OW is way more confident and I know that my approach of not saying anything is making it easier.

Please help if you can- I will keep on reading the MB Principles but I have to be honest I am not really getting it.

Thank you for any help.

{{{hugz sahmom}}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

1. Stop worrying about getting him mad. He is mad. Like a rabit dog. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

2. Concentrate on protecting yourself and your family.

3. Do NOT fear the WS. Despise him.

4. Be on the lookout for your H.

5. Expose, Expose, Expose. This may give you some relief and help.

Don't be afraid....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Btw, get another MC. Sounds like this one isn't experienced enough. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Stop enabling your WH bad behavior, expose the affair and let him face his friends. Natural consequences, I believe I said this on another thread to you!!!!! Natural consequences and you didn't have to do anything but to stop protecting him and his affair and that is what you are doing by staying quiet!!!!

Stop being a doormat for your WH to wipe his feet on. Stand up for yourself and your child!!!

Think about the person you are becoming by allowing your WH bad behavior to become the focus of your life. You have a life, live it a be the best you that you can be, Plan A. Is your WH going to want to come back to what you have allowed yourself to become at this time? You say that you are a fighter, you have to fight for yourself and your child now, the marriage will come if it is meant to be, but take care of you it doesn't sound like that is what you are doing at this time!!!

Read everything on this site, write down the things that you don't understand and come and ask about them here, we can help if we know what type of help you need!!!

Dawn

sahmom - let's begin with your concluding sentence. The help you are looking for is in the MB information, so read it all, over and over if needed. The reason you are not "getting it" yet is basically twofold; first, you have a knowledge deficit (the reading will help in this area), and second, YOUR emotional responses that you are allowing to control you actions (fear, shame, panic, etc.).

Here is the KEY issue you must face and answer first: " I don't know how to stand up for myself without risking losing him.

What you NEED to understand is that you have already "lost him." I know you don't want to hear that, and I know that it hurts mightily to even think that it is true, but you need to be functioning in, and accepting (even though you don't like it or want to), REALITY.

What is the reality in your situation? It is NO different than it has been for ALL Betrayed Spouses. The Wayward Spouse has already CHOSEN to end the marriage when he/she chose to engage in adultery. THEY (your husband) have already chosen selfishness and personal pleasure over everything else, including you and the family. Until you "get this," you will live in fear of "losing him." You have already lost him.

You have two choices left to you. The first is to get a divorce and protect yourself and the family from his destructive behavior.

The second is to fight for your marriage. NOTICE that I said FIGHT, not crawl around in already surrendered fear.

Yes, sahmom, if you choose to fight for your marriage, you MAY loose the fight. But I can promise you one thing, if you fight it well, using the MB principles, YOU will emerge a MUCH stronger and more desirable woman to ANY man. You will have nothing to fear because you will have been "refined by fire." No, it's not "easy," but is worth the effort, no matter the outcome. On the one hand, you gain a recovered marriage and your husband gets a much-needed lesson in what being married means and how to be both a good husband and a good parent. On the other hand, you grow and blossom as a strong woman and mother regardless of the outcome. In short, YOU win no matter what.



What you want to "work" is to save your marriage. We understand that and will do what we can to help you. But when you say, " I am usually a fighter but I just can't cross that line," you have already surrendered and NOTHING will work. The "alternative" that you fear (divorce) is a real fear and is not something that you want. That is obvious or you wouldn't be here seeking help in how to save your marriage. But FEAR will cripple and any recovery attempts. You MUST be a "lioness" who is sleekly powerful, a huntress who is normally very attractive and reserved, but who has immense power just beneath the seemingly calm exterior just waiting to "fight to the death" to protect her family." NO outsider gets to come in WITHOUT a fight. Let me ask you a question, if someone came into your home and was in the process of attempting to kill your child and you are worried about the "possible outcome" if you intervene (she warned you that if you interfered she WOULD kill your child), would you cower in fear or would the protective lioness emerge and say, essentially, "you MAY do what you are planning, but live or die, YOU will KNOW you have had a fight on your hands!" Those sorts of people may not seem like it to you, but deep down they are VERY insecure and VERY unsure of themselves. They can't "handle" people who stand up to them, especially when those people are in the right and they are in the wrong(because they KNOW they are in the wrong).



Okay, sahmom, THIS is the real problem that you have to face, not the OW or your WS. This is YOU. Only you can control this issue. We (BS's) all KNOW what you are describing because we have "been there." Having said that, you need to know that the "pit" is NOT "bottomless" and there IS a "way out of the pit." Once you are out of the pit of despair and self-blame, you will be able to begin to "fight" the fight that you are simply "wishing" for right now.

So before going into what you can to do end the affair and recover the marriage, why don't you write some more about what you are feeling? Those feelings are REAL, they are normal emotional reactions to one of the greatest harms one spouse can do to another. If you were battered and bruised from being run over by a Mack truck, you would have real pain and severe hurts, but they are not necessarily fatal. It will take getting YOU stronger and more healed before you can effectively go after the "hit and run" driver. In the meantime, there ARE others who can "go after" the hit and run driver for you. We are some of them, but we are here help YOU. The others who can help are those around you who love you and who have a NEED TO KNOW what your husband is doing.

Therefore, you are going to need to get your facts together (proof of the affair) and EXPOSE the affair to those who have a need to know. I know, even this scares you to death because you are thinking others will possibly think poorly about YOU. Forget that, those who know you will know that isn't right and those who might aren't needed in your life anyway. But affairs thrive in SECRET and in manipulation. Exposure shines the light of day on the ugliness of affairs and predatory Other People who have NO respect for marriage and family.

Sahmom, you MUST understand that there ARE consequences to all of our actions, and your husband must begin to feel some of those consequences. Exposure makes it clear that Adultery is NOT an "acceptable" component to any marriage. When a lioness "hunts," she seldom hunts alone. There is STRENGTH in numbers, not matter how "scared" any one individual might be. In numbers you don't have to shoulder all the load alone, all by yourself. Make a list of those who are affected (even though they might not about the affair yet) and who have a "need to know." Get your facts together, and then expose (start gathering the troops). These people will do two primary things, they will help in the fight and help in the support of you.

Now here is your "but" to that; " I want to tell some our friends for help but I don't want to embarrass him." If you do nothing, he WILL leave (he has already chosen that path in choosing to have an affair) and everyone WILL know about anyway. So why are you worried about "embarrassing" him? He isn't worried about it or he wouldn't be doing what he is doing. All that "embarrassment" is doing is keeping you "in line" so he can continue his affair with "no one else the wiser."




He isn't in his "right mind." Around here it is most often described two ways. One is that he is in the "fog" and can't see beyond his nose or his hormonal responses. The second is that he has been "abducted by aliens" and an alien is wearing his skin so that he "looks like" your husband, but he behaves as a complete idiot alien who only has "self-interest" in his mind, never mind who else gets hurts. It's total self-absorption.

So what do you say, is it time for you grab hold of the MB vines and begin to climb out of that emotional pit you are in? If it is, the START by going to your doctor and getting a prescription for some anti-anxiety or anti-depression meds. They will help you to smooth out the highs and lows so that you can begin to think clearly and rationally again. Then you will begin to be able to stand on your legs and fight the "lioness fight."

God bless.

I strongly aggree with Orchid and Forever...

"Unlike us all" NO Dear, Just like us all! We all came here confused, scared, emotions in taters just like you.

Your walking the path most of us here have already walked, that is whey we speak as strongly as we do. If you don't beleive me read my thread or so many others.

The advice your being given is how to get into recovery, it could be you recover the M or maybe like me you just recover yourself, but recover you will...

Know your marrage is over, it is broken, you will either forge a new one or you won't, but right now you don't have a marraige, he choose to end it. No Fear hunny, you can't loose what you don't have!

My 2 cents

1. Talk to you Dr about anti Depressants...

2. Build a air tight support group. near and far. when you hurt lean on the group, when your scared lean on the group let them bouy you for know...

3. Re-focus on what is in you power to control, center yourself on that, and assume control from the WS! Don't worry or waste effort trying to control the uncontrolable. Own your power, the power resides in the lady you see in the mirrow, you decide what you will accept and what he dosn't accept, he dosn't.

4 Choose to fight or walk, either is OK, If you fight you go all in, it is a nasty fight and you need to get nasty.

If you walk, kick the bum to the curb. I will support either decision.

5. Have confidance you will be ok, I know you can't see this now, so just beleive me you will survive this. I speak from experience, I have had 2 wives have affairs, and I am resoundly OK!

more later you need support just lean hun...I have broad sholders!

Jim

Sahmom,

I know what you're going through. BTDT myself. This place is a great place to vent when you need to, cry when you need to & learn a new way to live to have a better marriage & life than before. My WH is still in the fog but is slowly coming out of it.

This is a great place to be. You may get a few 2X4's before it's all over, but they are only to help you not hinder you. I have appreciated all the bops on the head I've gotten. Sometimes, others see things more clearly than you do, you're in your own fog of hurt & disbelief. I know I still am in many ways.

((((sahmom))))

Stand up!! You'll feel better, I promise you that!!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to you all. I will reread your posts until they sink in. I just keep on thinking if I had not been so depressed I could have helped us. I am a fixer by nature and I can't believe I let this happen to us. I feel so responsible and I just feel so ashamed. I love my husband dearly and I can't get angry. I have tried to protect myself but I am failing. I don't want to do anything to hurt him but I want to fight. The OW is after him for the wrong reasons I think and I love him so much and am worried about him. Everyone is seeing him run all over me but I just can't believe he would do this to me. He was an incredible person with so many great qualities. I feel like if he gets it out of his system he will be ok but I am getting concerned that he is going ahead with the D. I want to fight for my marriage and I will read the MB principles over and over again. Thank you for listening to my story- I am in more of a panic b/c to accept the reality is to accept my soulmate could be so cruel and I just am not there. Although, I know emotionally it would make things quite clear if I could get there. There is so much there that he told me would be true for our future. I am so devestated and I keep on thinking he will turn around. I know he doesn't have confidence in our love but I feel like if I don't hold still and confident in our love then he is more likely to close the book forever. I just hope I don't get killed emotionally or financially in the process. The idea of moving on means I am giving up and I just can't do that. I know he is being cruel but I feel I must hang on for us. Is this my fog talking? Thank you to everyone for all of your honesty and advice.

If I Expose- should I tell the details of the A or just that our marriage is in trouble and we could use some support?

Thank you.

I agree with everything that has been said to yous o far! Read, and then re-read every word. Eventually, it will start to sink in.

I want to share a little of my own story with you – so you can see that we all have walked the same path. (by the way – I ended up divorced. That was the right thing for me – that is not necessarily what will happen to you. That is just my story. So I will refer to my Ex as WxH – wayward ex husband)

I never had a clue something was going on. He went to work each day, and then straight to one of our sons baseball games. As soon as the game ended I would rush home to fix dinner while he stayed to clean up. Then he would meet me at home. We would eat, and then watch baseball on TV. My boys were 12 and 15. (I found out later that as soon as I would leave the game, OW would show up. She was sitting in her car down the street. He told everyone she was a friend stopping by after work. He even kissed her in front of one of the boys one time)

Wednesday morning, he called me on my way to work and told me that there was “someone else he had been seeing, and she treated him like the most important thing in the world to her, and I never did that for him.” My horrified response was “of course she treats you like the most important thing in the world – she does not have a full time job, 2 kids who play sports, and a farm to take care of” His reply was “she has all those things – and STILL treats me like the most important thing to her.” (of course I now realize that she was doing that for him – but not her own husband!!!!)

I spent the next 4 days hiding from the world. Laying on the couch. Couldn’t sleep, or eat, or even cook for the boys. I kept his secret, hoping he would come back, and then no one would need to know what he did. We could forget about it – move on. He showed up Friday night to take the boys out for dinner, dropped them off afterwards. Other than that – I did not hear from him for days. Finally, I knew I needed help – I called my sister in law at about 5am on Saturday. She ran right over. Turns out, she all ready knew his horrible secret. When he picked up MY boys for dinner, he had OW in the car with him!!! I had no idea. But sister in law saw him drive by with my boys in the back seat and some strange woman in the front. (lesson to learn – you think it is a secret, but he is parading her around like nothing is wrong)

I was ashamed. Embarrassed. Felt like I had a sign above my head saying “this woman can not even keep her H around” For a long time, I could not even go to the grocery store. That was a place for families – for married women who took care of their husbands. Not for women like me. My sister in law brought bags of food for the boys. Stuff they could cook themsleves.

WxH started by saying “I was never un-happy with you. I am just happier with her” when his friends/family heard that – they told him he was making a huge mistake. So then he changed it to say “Actually, I was un-happy for a few years” and when people were still mad at him, he changed to “I was miserable the whole time! All 18 years! You don’t understand, I NEVER should have married her in the first place!!!”

That was when I finally started to break out of my own fog. The reality that – he was not unhappy the whole 18 years! No way! I would have noticed SOME sign of that. Perhaps he had moment’s on-and off. But not “miserable”. He NEVER would have stayed for 18 whole years if he was miserable. The same is true of your WH. You think you were blind to his unhappiness – you were not blind. It was not there. He had moments. But if the whole 10 years was bad – he would have bailed out sooner.

He says mean things to you? That is in the WH script. Mine did to. It gets worse over time. He used to leave horrible, screaming messages on my answer machine. One time, his mom told him that she did not want him bringing OW around her. He left me a screaming message that I had turned his own mother against him, that he hoped I would burn in ******, that he was going to be with OW for the rest of this life and I better just get used to it. Of course, I never turned his mother against him – that was her own choice. But he had to blame someone- so he blamed me. You see, other people are telling your WH to stop what he is doing – he owes it to his wife and kids to go back and make things work. But in his mind, he has this happy little R, that he does not want to give up. So he has to come up with some sort off justification. Some ‘reason’ why it is ok to abandon his wife and children. The only possible excuse – you must have been a monster. A horrible wife. That is the only way he can justify his actions. And they get meaner as time goes by – but take heart. That just means that he KNOWS he is wrong!!!

Think about your kids for a second. When they see a toy that they want at the store, they start out asking quietly. When you turn them down, they get louder, perhaps even screaming, throwing a fit. That is not because you are a bad mom, or they hate you. They are trying to get their own way by yelling, screaming, making you think that they will die without the toy.

Your WH is throwing a huge fit right now. And it gets worse – right before it gets better.

For now, I want to leave you with this:
His A will end. it will.
He will not mean forever.
You think you are keeping his secret-people all ready know. And they do not know how to help you, until you finally start talking about it. So get on the phone, tell people what is going on, and then let them help you.

And that line about how you can not compete with OW? You are not going to compete with her. You are better than that. Stay out of her gutter. She is a mom! She has dumped hr own H to chase another wowans H. She is no prize. She knows he is married and does not care. She is no prize. You will come to see that very soon.

Are you a praying woman? Pray for clarity. Pray that the Lord will reveal the truth to you.

By the way – my WxH was not with OW for the rest of his life. It lasted about 1 year.

Dear WOF,
Thank you for sharing your story. You sound very strong and I noticed you are newly married. Congratulations to you! I appreciate all your advice. In my situation, his parents who I adore don't like me very much anymore. I think he told them I was the one who was mean and probably changed the timeline on the affair. I love these people and that is what is so hurtful. They are taking all of his words. I am very much like you in the midst of being ashamed. I hate I mean hate going to places with people. He is using me as a babysitter for our child and it is making me really sad. I know I must stand up but I feel he has got me b/c i don't want to upset him. I was the one who was nervous to marry b/c I swore I would only marry once in my life. He knows he has me and it is the most painful thing. He said he was
finished days after I lost our 2nd baby- it pains me so much to deal with all of this. Before I found out about the A, he told me he needed to stay away from the house b/c of me - not that he was having an A. I am devestated by my inlaws too - I was very involved in the family- he told me I wasn't allowed to call them. Now they hate me too. I am just crushed emotionally. Thanks for listening. I will keep on praying and Congrats to you. Thanks for staying on this site after you have moved on- you are really a nice person.

sahmom,



It is OK for you to accept your share of the blame for the state of your marriage, BUT it is never OK for you to blame yourself for your WH's CHOICE to have an affair.

He didn't ask you if it was OK, he made the decision to be unfaithful to you. The affair is HIS responsibility, not YOURS.

Who

Dear Whome,
Thank you for that advice. I know that is where I am stuck. I was the one who always pushed us through and I feel like b/c I was low I dropped the ball. I normally pay attention to everyone's feelings but my own and I was just listening to him tell me everything was ok. I wish I had been stronger to face my low points and then he wouldn't be leaving. The OW is going to ruin him and I feel like he will ruin his life. He just got taken at a low time in his life. I am just sad b/c this was supposed to be our time to enjoy our struggles after so many years but now this is just one more thing to endure. I hope he wakes up soon. Thank you and I have tried to get my self unstuck of this mentatlity but I believe it was up to me to get us out and I was wounded. I am so hurt.

sahmom,

We know that you are hurt, believe me we have all been there. I understood right off when I learned that my H had been involved with OW, that if he had left me for her, it would have ruined his life. I didn't have to break up his affair, OW drove him away relatively quickly with her constant demands.

There are probably folks here who will not agree with me on this, but I think that you might need to let yourself be just a bit angry about what your WH is doing to you, your child, and your life. I don't mean that you should LB, but you sure need to look out for yourself, because he honestly doesn't have your interests in mind right now.

They are right you know, your marriage as you knew it is over and done. You can either try and end the affair and build a new one or you can build a life for your self without WH.

But doing nothing is not going to end up helping your situation. You are going to need to expose to anyone who will listen and yes, you need to let folks know that he is having an affair. This is not about punishing him or trying to embarrass him. Is there anyway you can afford to give Dr. Harley a call and get some help coming up with a plan?

That is really the great thing about MB....you realize how many of us there are out here who have been where you are now and have survived it.

Who

How do you know that they 'hate' you? because he told you so? Lets face it, he is NOT a very good source of information right now. and another thing - he does not get to tell you who you can call and not call. Pick up the phone TODAY and call these people. Do not call them to cry, or complain about their son. Just call to say "I was thinking about you. Just wanted to see how you are. maybe you could come over to have dinner with your grand child and I".

they don't hate you - they are embarassed, just like you. And they don't know what to say or do. But you need to have some type of relationship with them - they are grandparents to your child. But don't call them to cry or complain. just call them as your friends, and your childs grandparents. Do not bring up your WH to them. If they offer any info, fine.. but don't ask for it. You need to do this right away.
another thing - you mention your depression. this is huge for you. If you have suffered from depression in the past and continue to suffer now, you MUST start taking steps to fix it. NOW! If you truly believe that your WH left becuase of issues related to your depression, then the best thing you can do right now is show him a woman who is taking control of her mental health, and dealing with her depression. Are you on meds? If so, perhaps you need to talk to your Dr about changing, or increasing your dose. If you are not on meds, why?

You need to get back to being the woman he first met, first fell in love, with an married. What will it take for you to get back to that woman? think of this - when he sees you now, depressed, sad, letting him walk all over you - does that look like someone you would want to hang out with? You will not win him back by showing him how needy you are - and how sad your child is. that just gives him further ammunition against you. Attract him back to the M by showing him that you are still the fun, strong, lovely woman he first fell in love with, and married. he wanted to marry you so much, that he had to talk you into it! there was somthing about you that he wanted to be with. Find that in yourself again.

and call his parents. he does not get to tell you what to do anymore. what if he follows through with a D? How long are you going to let him dictate what you can and can not do?

Oh....and another thing!!!

get busy exposing. right now, he is telling everyone his side of the story. You need to start calling people up with the truth. The longer you wait - the more he re-invents the truth. Quit worring that it is too late, or he might be embarassed. Pick up the phone and call your friends and say "I need someone to talk to. My H is having an A". you will be surprised at how many people will support you. You will start hearing stories of other people who have been in your shoes. Get on the phone today, and call at least one person. And just say "I need to talk to someone. I am having a hard time. Do you think we could get togehter for a coffee?"
People will wnat to help.

come on now.
Get up.
Get to work.

I remember once I talked to a friend I had not seen in years. she took me out for a Coke and tole me her story - she once had an A herself. But she and her H have rec overed quite well.

The following weekend she saw my WH with his girlfriend! She ran into them at a County fair. And he introduced her as his girlfirend as if that was perfectly ok. if I had not talked to this friend the week before, she would not have a clue what was going on. She would have probably assumed that we just 'broke up" (that is what he used to say - an 18 year marriage had just 'brokenup' like a high school romance)

As it is - she knew the truth, and she was able to say "Hey, it is good to see you. Funny thing - I just had a lunch with your wife last weekend". Can you imagine how he and OW felt after that???? Dont you wish you could have been a fly on the wall after that?