<BR>Hi Everyone -<P>For those who don't know the story....H cheating for almost 3 yrs., moved out in June and filed for Divorce...we talk and see each other...he wants to be single with no responsibilities and wants to grow old with me in 10,20 or 30 years...yeah, he's nuts!!!!<P>I have gone almost three years without a Major Love Buster and after one visit with my new lawyer AKA Shark Lady...She has created a BIG ONE!!!!<P>After talking with me, she decided to send H's lawyer a letter telling him to inform H that he should go to counseling. She stated that I am in love with H and feel that there are no irreconcilable differences between us and that in fact - I don't even know what the problems are!!!! <P>All of this is true.....but does that matter? <P>She says "Tough Sh*t" and that it's time for him to face himself!!! At the very least this will look good for me in court (that I go to counseling and he refuses) and at the most H will come to grips with reality.<P>I told her that this will just get him very angry.....<P>She says that it's time that I say what I really want to say and to stop pussyfooting around on my end!!! UGH!!!!<P>I am afraid.......<P>What if this blows everything to hell...not that it's not there now, but you all know what I mean!!<P>H came over today and helped with some stuff like taking out the air conditioners, etc. Told him that the car insurance bill is due and I have no money and he took it and said he'd pay it...was nice because he doesn't have to.<P>What do I do.....how do I handle things when he gets this notice from his attorney?<P><BR>Oh crap!!!!!! <P>Somebody give me a boost here...<P>Thanks and Hugs,<P>Sheba

I don't know much of your story and I know you have friends here but...<P>I think that in reading your story that it does indeed shake the betrayer up to see what consequences their own behaviors have caused. They live in some sort of unrealistic place and to be brought back to reality, is it all that bad? They need it. I was the betrayer and I surely needed this. I'm sorry for intruding but I feel horrible that there are so many out there causing this type of pain and can't see what they're doing. Precisely how to see it is like the shark lady says.

Sheba, Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't your lawyer work for you ?!?<BR>What right did she have in doing those things without your permission. She could have just thrown any headway you were making with H away. <BR>I would tell shark lady to do as she is told to do and not involve herself in affairs that are going to cause more conflict. If you want to work on things with your H than make a gesture to him by ditching the shark lady, or at least put her in her place.<BR>Now I'll get off of my soap box. Sorry if I sound angry, but tonight isn't a good night for me.<P>------------------<BR><BR>That Which does not kill us makes us stronger.<BR>

Thank you Conner -<P>Intruding? What are you talking about? <BR>Do you have any idea how valuable your opinion is to me....you have offered me a glimpse into what my H needs and believe me I need that!!!<P>I have no clue what is going on with him and it is only through MB and learning about infidelity that I have any sanity with all this.<P>I hope that you are a friend here also!!<P>Please, throw any insight at me.....<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Sheeba,<BR>Are you an honest person. I can say yes, I believe you are, just from knowing you here. By the way, I am a tremendous judge of character...something people ask my opinion about all the time.<P>So is there one word of that letter that is not honest? No.<P>Is there one word that is not speaking the truth in love? No.<P>If you are honest, respectful and loving, are you responsible for another's reaction to you? No.<P>Can you control your H? No.<P>Do you want an unreliable "friend" that sometimes shows up to help you out, sometimes not...or do you want a H? We all know you want your Husband, the man you love. But, if it turns out whack-a-doodle ski-doodle's anyway, do you want to be as financially fit so that you can shape your own life?<P>You owe that to yourself. So be honest and courageous. And remember Shark Lady knows her stuff, just don't let her compromise your values.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Robilar -<P>I'm sorry that you are having a bad night....I know all about those!!<P>Thanks for your reply and believe me I completely understand it!!<P>Trouble is I had a different lawyer and I ended up getting screwed at the prelim. Hearing cuz H lied his butt off...hence the engaging of "Shark Lady". She's the best around at Divorce and such.....I know that she knows what she is doing and I also know that H NEEDS counseling very badly....perhaps that is why I did not go nuts on her.<P>Maybe she can accomplish what I have been unable to do for 3 years....I'm just worried that he will shut me out.<P>But then again, if he gets the help he needs.....It will have to be worth it.<P>I don't know.....<P>Thanks again and Hugs,<P>Sheba

I feel so much for what you're going through because of what I put my husband through.<P>I think your H needs to have a good dose of reality and realize what it would be like without you. After reading here it's very hard to do but the betrayer doesn't really get the jist of things until this occurs. They believe they are invincible to an extent and that their spouse will be there for them no matter what happens, they take them for granted. It's not a fair exchange and actually it's so unfair that it can be constituted as emotional abuse. Now there is a fine line between emotional abuse before the fact and just the mindset of the betrayer after the fact and I think that it's really important for the betrayer to understand the ramifications of what they've caused before they can understand what they've done. I agree with the website's (Harley's) advice. Plan A until you can no longer do it and then Plan B to preserve your love and to make the betrayer realize what emotional needs they will be missing.<P>Sheba, I've read somewhat what you've gone through and your H will be the one missing out should he decide to go through with the divorce. You are the one that has a clear conscience and knows you have given everything to the marriage because you love him. I always see it as occurring like the betrayer is alone and lives out the rest of their lives like this and the betrayed finds Prince Charming and gets what they deserve..happiness forever. I hate what I've done and know the consequences and only pray that those who have put others through this see what they've done

Thanks, FHL -<P>I know that it is all the truth about how I feel....I guess that maybe I am so used to it not mattering about the truth or about what I feel.......<P>He truly needs the counseling!!<P>I believe that he will say "what the hell is this and you're trying to stall and manipulate !! <P>The only thing going for me with him is the trust he has for me and his knowing that I am perhaps the only one who doesn't try to manipulate......<P>I'm scared that will be lost now, too.<P>Hugs, <P>Sheba

Sheba,<P>I do not think it is a bad thing that your lawyer did this. Sometimes we all need a big old wack in the butt. You H needs a major wack in the butt.<P>A few weeks ago I went and had lunch with a couple of female co-workers. The night before Tony wanted to drop out of school and work for Home Depot or some place like this. I lost it on him. I just told him exactly what would happen if he quit. My co-workers told me I did the right thing. I gave him a major show of what reality is. Someone had to do this. His family does not and I would not live like that.<P>He is in school and doing ok. Fine if you take into consideration that he is a ME major. <P>I would not worry about it. If he asks say I did not ask for the letter to be written but I think it needed to be done. What is the worst thing that could happen? Divorce...you are already down that road. The other side of the coin is that he really sees what a jerk he is bein and gets his head out of his butt.<P>What is done is done. But still keep up your kindness... this way he can see that you really do care.<P>

If you believe he needs counseling, you are not manipulating.<P>I would tell him. "I am not manipulating. I believe this and I will not back down from what I believe because you are mislabeling my actions and my motive. I love you and I want you to lead a full and happy life. I prefer you live that with me, but regardless of what happens to us, I believe you are not going into this divorce for the right reasons and I want that addressed."<P>By the way, does he manipulate you?<P>Not that you should try manipulating yourself, but honesty and effort is not manipulation.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Sheba, He filled for the divorce and this is what it will take to get it. Just tell him the truth that you love him and want to be absolutely sure that this is what you both want, and this is waht your lawyer said to do. It may make him mad but at this point are you sure anything you do wouldn't? I can't see that this would be a lovebuster you are not fighting, yelling or anything like that. You are showing him that you care and love him enough to make sure this is what he really wants. I hope it all works out. Saying prayers for you. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Connor, Pahakissa, FHL and SDS...<P>Thank you all for your words of wisdom, encouragement and little "pats" to let me know that all will work out the way it is supposed to.....can't worry about it I guess.<P>I know that H needs the counseling and if this letter gets him headed in that direction then I could not hope for doing anything that would help him more with his life.<P>I am just afraid that if contact with me is gone than he will remain in the lifestyle he is in now and with the people around him that are not helping him to be the best that he could be.<P>I guess I know that inside he is so much more......than again, who the hell am I to judge that!!!!<P>Time will tell.....Prayers can only help.<P>Hugs and thanks again,<P>Sheba

Sheba,<BR>Hey you..... I hope this gets him going in a positive direction. Sorry I don't have any advice to give but I'm here giving you a BOOST. Have a good night<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Sheba, I am new to this BB and I admit I don't know your whole story but as for H getting counseling, it would do him good since there are so many underlying reasons that this happens - I am the betrayed in my case. My H wanted to go to counseling and it is shocking to find the things that went on in his childhood that set him up for this affair. Counseling hopefully will help us to prevent it in the future. As for the lawyer thing, I agree with Conner that it may give him a glance into reality. My husband is only beginning to see what it has done to me.<P>------------------<BR>Faithjoy

Thanks Rutger -<P>The boosts are what I need!! Hope you have a good night also...<P>Thanks Wilderness4me -<P>Welcome to MB - I am glad that you found us and there are such wonderful caring people here that you will have a good support for all of this....<P>I am also glad that you are in counseling - that's great!!! I wish you both all the luck in the world and with love and honesty and some hard work..you will do fine, I'm sure.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Happy Birthday, Sheba! Sorry you're sick. Glad old Whack-a-doodle called.<P>If you need a laugh, check out my thread "Do you want to dance", sure to get a chuckle at least..OK maybe a faint smile.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

OK...now I see I'm W-a-D...saw your response. Knew you would like the story.

Thanks FHL -<P>Yes, you and SHA gave me some very big laughs on my birthday and I love you both for them!!!! Brightened me right up....pulsing head and all!!!<P>I was glad H called too!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba--<P>I'm SO glad you have Shark Lady working for you. Her suggested letter is genuine.<P>Let her work her magic. You don't have to lovebust even now. Hang in there.<P>Laura

sheba: you have given me much needed advice and now your lawyer has given me a great idea. thanks, where do i send the check. DO IT and then just get on with it, i have realized over the past week, that our lives must go on no matter what. i love my wife and will keep on my track no matter what happens. i registered for a DB seminar for my birthday with michele weiner davis on the 15th of jan. that will be my gift to myself, and registered my W as well. if she makes it great, if not, I m going anyway!<BR>good luck and ill post today whats happened to me and expect YOUR advice too. You have nothing to loose.