So quick recap. Wife had a one time sexual/multiple time talking affair with an old friend from high school. She told me about this and said she wanted a divorce. I talked her into at least staying in the house temporarily to think about it for a while.

She's assured me she's not seeing him or talking to him anymore (as of friday). i want to believe her. I asked her to write a no contact letter, she refused. She says that I'm being way too pushy right now and that it's driving her away. She got really mad and left the house for several hours last night and just told me she went "away".

Now she says she has plans all weekend. Friday night dinner with one of her girlfriends and on saturday there's a party at her cousin's house. She said that she will not see him this weekend and that it's over between them.

I don't know what to do. On one hand I don't want to push her away by telling her to stay with me, but she will just tell me she doesnt want to work on our marriage if i push her in any way or even suggest that she stay home. What should I do here?

Also do you think I should push for an answer on where she was last night?

Sounds like she is seeing him. Unfortunately, you can't believe waywards.

First off, stick to one thread, and add a footnote encapsulating all the pertinent data, so people who want to help can see your sitch at a glance.

Secondly, stick to one thread, and reply reasonably often to keep people appraised of what's going on.

Thirdly, all the same advice you've been given still applies.

* Read "Surviving an Affair" and become intimately familiar with the plan to save your marriage. 99% of the advice given here is based on his principals.

* Make a list of EVERYONE that you should contact to Expose this affair and run it by the folks here on the forum. Her parents and any GF or W of the OM should be at the top of your exposure list.

* Study up on Plan A, and prepare yourself for a long, uphill battle for the foreseeable future.

* Do a serious period of introspection, and in all honesty, come to terms with any of YOUR actions that might have led to the marriage becoming vulnerable to an A, and start correcting those things immediately, and permanently. This is part of Plan A.

* Find and read the thread "the carrot and stick of Plan A"

* Install a keylogger on your W's computer, and see if there is truly NC, at least by e-mail.

* Check her cell phone records for the same reason.

* Scour credit card statements for unusual purchases, gifts, gas station locations, new clothes (lingerie), hotels, restaurants they might have met.

* Don't get caught snooping!

Becoming educated in Harley's principals is MANDATORY. Otherwise much of the advice you'll receive will seem counterintuitive, and you'll be confused and flounder, or make mistakes that will further complicate an already complicated situation.

Believe in the advice you are getting here. Most everyone that will post to you has been through what you are going through. We post to make your difficult journey a bit less messy.

Best wishes,
SD

Read the "betrayed spouse toolkit" posted by bob pure. I bumped it to the top.

Thank you people so much. I found a link to a free keylogger on this site (although i dont think she'd be stupid enough to use our computer to contact him). I've looked in her email account so many times I'm going crazy that i havent found anything yet. She told me that she had deleted everything out of her cell phone. I got records from verizon but i dont know what his cell number is, only his home. I'm going to read over everything on this site and ordering surviving and affair tomorrow. Is there anything I should be saying to get her to stay home this weekend?

Cubed, you probably won't be able to get her to stay home but you can focus on busting up her affair. Have you exposed her affair? Who is this OM? Is he married?

I agree with the others that the affair is still in full swing.

Plan something fun and don't berate her about the affair until you've done some homework, and prepared for the battle. Court her like you did when you first met. Show her the guy she fell in love with. Shoot for Harley's 15 hours a week of quality "couple" time.

Lay off the questions/accusations for a bit while you learn the ropes, and make any time you spend with her as pleasant and non-threatening as possible. All part of Plan A!

Most of all, breathe deeply and remain composed at all times. No LoveBusters!

He's an old friend from high school that she ran into recently. He's supposedly single. The thing is she's already told her parents and I don't really have a way of getting more info unless it's from her. She supposedly already told her close girlfriends. I don't really know who else to tell. I'm going to call her parents this weekend to see what all she really told them. She said that her mother was very disappointed about her infidelity.

Just thought I'd add, today is my birthday, 25, so happy birthday to me.

His phone number is the one that shows up 5-10 x more than any other number.

Beware..some "free" keyloggers will pop-up ads to purchase the more detailed software and give themselves away. Google "spector pro".

Remember this...little you say right now will make any impact on her. Your ACTIONS will make the difference.

Does anyone know of a way to look up someone's cell phone number?

yeah right, she probably told her mother some highly spun version IF ANYTHING. Call them up and tell them their DD is having a sleazy affair with some slimebag and it is threatening your marriage. Look up his parents # in the phone book and call them up and tell them too.

Exposure does not count coming from a wayward, because they lie and spin. So call these people yourselves and make sure they have the correct story. Call her parents, grandparents, the OMs parents, her close aunts, uncles and siblings.

Tell her girlfriends if they are the thinking variety. If they are the typical mindless "do what makes you happy" variety, don't bother because they will be a waste.

Unfortunately they're not. I'm going to talk to her parents first and see where that gets me. Her mother usually takes my side whenever there is a squabble (much to the dismay of my wife) so i think she'll be extremely reasonable to talk to. Her parents have been married for 20+ years and have experienced infidelity before so I think they'll have some insights for me.

You cannot beleive ONE word she says. Waywards lie. Period.

When you prepare the list for exposure, include her parents, the close girlfriends, brothers, sisters, clergy, aunts, uncles, ANYONE you or her would consider a friend of your marriage.

Exposure is done as an act of love, not vengence. You expose by letting people know that your wife is involved with (insert name) and you are letting them know so if they feel comfortable with telling your W how wrong her actions are, they will, and it will put immense pressure on the affair. Flat out ask for their help.

Secrecy allows affairs to flourish. Shedding a spotlight on the A is the MOST EFFECTUAL step you can take to bring the A to a halt. Make sure your list is extensive, and then do all the exposure quickly, so it strikes like a tsaumi, all at once, and overwhelms the A partners.

Exposure also prevents the affair partners from doing "damage control"; ie, they are only friends and you have become a jealous "nutjob" as a husband, making up "lies" and killing the blow exposure is meant to deal.

Do not warn her or anyone, and don't even threaten it. It is a stealth move that blindsides her completely.

It will piss her off like nothing you've ever seen. She'll threaten anything/everything and tell you the marriage is OVER, because of what you've done. Don't beleive any of it. You marriage can withstand the anger over exposure, but not a third person in your marriage. I have yet to see one marriage here end over exposure, but I've sure seen a lot of them move into recovery!

Prepare yourself for the battle!

SD

http://www.anywho.com/wp.html

that will get you white page numbers. Including reverse lookup. I don't know of any service for cell phone lookup.

A private eye can get most of that info, most of the time. For a fee, of course.

A PI can get that info for about $135 for you. This guy did a good job for another MBer and I have spoken to him personally and really like him. Ask for Frank www.frankmusicinvestigations.net

Looked at my wife's myspace page today and she posted this on wednesday.

I hate Wednesdays.....
So, I will not go into a lot of detail but I think that I have officially lost complete control of my world. I think it happened sometime between crazy and crazier. I wonder if I will adapt to being alone?
(do you think this means she really has cut off contact with the OM?)

I emailed her just to tell her that everything is going to be okay. She said that she couldn't promise me anything was going to be okay and that i needed to accept that it might not work out between us. I told her the only thing I could do was try to have faith that she would make the right decision.

Dammit. I sit here and think that if my willingness to at least work on this after her affair isn't enough to convince her to stay then maybe there really isn't any reason for me to stay.

Cubed...

Your feelings are normal. All BS go through this. She is still in the FOG. Torn between two worlds. She percieves "alone" to mean a world without her drug. She will withdraw, so long as NC remains in place. Plan A is designed to give her a safe place to land.

All the advice you've been given is still on the mark. Hunker down and prepare to be in this for the long haul. Withdrawal takes time. Their dependency on the "drug" takes time to wane. Plan A makes you attractive. She will be filled with sorrow, remorse, guilt and a host of other feelings, that she does not know how to deal with. Show her that you are willing to accept her back, and help comfort her for her "loss", difficult as it might be.

She is not capable of meeting ANY of your needs right now. You must offer unconditional love and understanding, without expecting ANYTHING in return until she's through withdrawal.

Follow the MB principals and you'll get through these dark days. Show her the man she loved and married is so infinitely strong that he can overcome HER bad decision and do the work to give the marriage a chance.

She is a lost soul, and you, as her loving husband, must be her shepherd.

Hang in there!
SD