As far as me wanting to smash the OM, I think it must be some primal urge or something. Like I need to convey to him that she is mine and not his. I know it's not the mature/smart/responsible thing to do, but I still want to. I think most BH's do.

Where does she work? Most employers have that crap blocked out.

Also, as far as the beating up of OM, you can't very well beat your wife, so who else is there to take your frustrations out on. Also, it serves to intimidate the OM as to leave your WW alone. If you don't understand, it is because you are a woman. It is instinct to a man. Just put two male animals of any species in a ring with one female, and just watch as they go at each other.

People say this all the time and I've always found *that* attitude very hard to understand.

It seems obvious to me. If you are trying to defend and preserve a family, your first instinct is to drive out the intruder - not drive out the family member.

It's real simple.
Mulan

Oh, baby . . . you have never seen Mulan (and a few other women who post here) when we've come face to face with the female intruders in OUR marriages, have you?

*snort*
Mulan

I didn't mean to offend any women out there, but there is a natural animal instinct for us men to fight for our females. Women have a natural animal instinct to fight to protect their offspring.

Yes - AND to protect their relationship with the male who sired those offspring and are providing resources to care for them. We don't want some other female interfering with that and possibly luring him away and if we don't fight to protect that relationship we could well lose it.

This stuff takes you right into Primal Land, no doubt about it.
Mulan

She works at a major corporation that you would think would have that crap blocked out, but they don't for some reason. Maybe it's the whole employee morale thing. I am going to talk to her about her myspace habits. Yesterday during our talk she told me "I'll do anything you tell me to". Now, I don't want a slave or something, but I do think that she's opening herself up to my guidance right now which is a good thing. I'm not the type of person to take advantage of an emotionally distressed person but I think it's a good thing that she's allowing herself to be vulnerable around me again. She still wouldn't give up his phone number though.

Cubed-

Contact her HR department, tell them about what's going on, and make it clear that she's carrying on her affair while at work and that you would expect that they would have blockers in place to prevent this sort of thing.

I wouldn't be surprised if they block myspace within a day or two.

I don't think she's "carrying on an affair at work". I don't have a problem with her having a myspace account necessarily. I don't think involving her boss is going to be exactly constructive at this point. I'm not going to do something that could very well end up with her losing her job and subsequently our home. I understand the whole exposure thing but I think that going to her workplace is too far. All of her family and friends already know and have told her what a mistake she has made/is making.

I told her yesterday, if there is any hint of her still talking to/emailing/looking at his page, then I'm gone. I've been extremely understanding during this time with her and she knows it. I'll have her phone records for this past month in about 2 weeks and I'm pretty sure I have identified his phone number anyway. So we'll see whether or not she's actually willing to be truthful with me.

Why dont you just call HR and give them a tip that there's too much Myspace activity going on...u dont have to give what dept she's in and dont even call her boss....you said its a big corporation.....I work for a huge corporation and one by one they started limiting our internet access....first ebay, then myspace, then some other sites...but there's still a lot of sites that aren't block because they dont know about them. That could work, everyone uses myspace....how would she link that to you calling. You dont even have to mention affair to HR. They will either block it or ignore you but its worth a shot.

2. how smart is she with PCs? I mean, she could have 2 myspace accounts...one u know about and one you dont...and she erases the history and cookies of the second one. Like I'm way more knowledgable about pcs than my WH...good thing because its easy for me to spy on him. Anyway, dont mean to add more to your mind, I'm sure you have enough to worry about, but just a thought.

I understand and appreciate the advice. She's not too computer savvy. I mean, she didn't even bother to erase the history from when she viewed his page. I dont think she knows how to. I have a keylogger on there so if she does have a second account, I'd know about it if she ever accessed it from home. I'm more concerned with her cell phone records right now. I'm going to just end up having to call all the unrecognizable numbers myself to see who they are.

So I found out another lie. During our conversation/her begging me to stay, I looked in her phone and found a text she sent to OM. Asked her if it was his phone number and she said she didn't know whose number it was. I confronted her last night with the evidence that she had called the number 11 times from July 17 to Aug. 18. Once the day after my birthday. She fessed up then. I said I was done being lied to. She claims that this is different than her "actually" lying to me because she just didn't want me to have his phone number. Why can't she see that this is no different than lying to me about anything else. She keeps telling me that she only wants to be with me, but then why is it so hard for her to just be honest and tell the truth?

phone numbers huh?! ok this is what i did and found the ho....go to www.intelius.com or just go to Google and do a search for looking up landlines and cellphones....some are free but the better ones cost money....i think the mininum intelius service was $14.95 for a year. but if you choose to do intelius do the next price up, the $14.95 will only let you look up one number and get every thing about that number...so maybe dont do intelius....search for another one if you like. But when i did it, the OW cell phone was in her mother's name....and then by doing some detective work...i linked mom's to the OW herself.

yeah cube my WH is still lying to me too....he says he wants to be with me but he lies about OW because quote "Well what was I suppose to do, tell you the truth?"

She says she didn't want me to have the number because she didn't want me to call him. I told her I wouldn't call him. She still refused. I believe her that she wants to be with me. I just have a suspicion that his number is going to show up a few more times on our next phone bill.

Get his number, call OM and his parents and tell OM to stay the he11 away from your WW, regardless of what your WW wants. You need to stand up to your WW and do things for yourself, namely diffuse this threat to your marriage. WW wants to stay with you, but doesn't want to have to give up OM 100% either. Make her make that choice.

its funny though...they swear that want to be home...yet wont do everything in there power to prove it...its like they want to work on the marriage on their terms...without you knowing it....but WS do know it. sooo you hope they will soon come to their senses because you really dont want to do Plan B and have the risks involved, but u know Plan B would probably slap some sense into them that u are not playing.

So what do you think. Is her still not wanting to tell me the number evidence that NC is being broken? I should say that the text message I found is from about 3-4 weeks ago.

I'm going to pretend that your WW is like my WH....and I think this: NC broken, not sure....but she definitely don't want you to know the number so "just in case" she ever decides to contact him, she can.

I don't mean to quote another counselor on MB but Dr. Phil says "People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."

Soooo she is definitely not 100% commited to the M. She may even be thinking "well just in case H and I dont work out, I can still go to OM." If she gives you the #, you will ruin any future she can and could have with him...She keeping him as a back up plan. Once again, does that mean NC broken...maybe not...but in her mind, its a possibility.

And I know, that S*** hurts. Its like well if you want the M than screw the OP, who cares. But just keep doing Plan A, eventually OM will be out of sight out of mind.

Then USE this information. (WARNING...THE FOLLOWING ADVICE MAY NOT BE MARRIAGEBUILDERS COMPATIBLE...USE AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION)

She wants to be with you...then SET YOUR BOUNDARIES AND ENFORCE THEM.

I'd advocate giving her ONE LAST SHOT at being honest with you.

Tell her that this is IT...its do or die time.

She either sits down with you, and fesses up EVERYTHING and agrees to answer ALL of your questions without evasions or lies...RIGHT NOW...or its over.

No more lies...no more hiding.

AND...she further agrees to VOLUNTEER any information she feels you need, without you being forced to 'dig' for it.

AND...she becomes an open book from this point on. Her new life with you starts TODAY. ANY further contact with OM, looking at his page...etc...is grounds for an immediate seperation/divorce.

AND...she gives you access to her phone, email...etc...from this point on. NO MORE HIDDEN COMMUNICATION LINES

Time to FIGHT for your marriage!!!