This has been bugging me for some time and I was wondering if anyone could shed some light on my question. This is posed to all WS's but in particular those who had PA and those who had more than 1 NC.

What was it that made you decide to return to your spouse?

The reason I ask this question is that I have read so many times the A will end, but as a BS it is very difficult to see this, so I'm interested in what triggers someone to return after telling their spouse they were never in love with them etc etc.

I hope you all understand where I'm coming from.

Hi HaF--

I'm not a WS, but I can address one thing in your post from my perspective....


My wife said much the same to me, "I HATE YOU", "I DON'T LOVE YOU", "I NEVER LOVED YOU", "I WANT A DIVORCE" (yes, all screaming).

Now, she says she loves me and only me.

Do you think your WS really meant they "never loved you"? Was it possibly some defense or rationalization from deep in the "fog"?

I don't really know why my wife returned except that her OM all ditched her and ran back to their wives. While she was still in withdrawal for some time, her and her OM (fortunately) never missed each other at the same time (e.g., she'd miss him but he didn't miss her and he missed her but she didn't miss him).

I really don't know if she had some epiphany about how much she really loves me or if I'm just "comfortable".

But I certainly don't believe "I NEVER loved you" -- I know (or at least strongly believe) she loved me at some point and I'm working to get us back to that point.

I would also add that, and maybe you didn't mean to imply this in your title, this is not the MOST important question for a WS to answer. I think in the process of emerging from Wayward-Fog, they may go through a series of answers as to why they're back. A mixture of the truth, rationalizations (to you and themselves), fears and hopes all jumble together.

I think a more important question is, "Now that you're back, what steps and actions are you taking to ensure this doesn't happen again?" Unfortunately, I never got a good answer to this question (in my case).

Blessings

Artor,

Thanks for your reply. I feel this question is a big question for BS to ask but the answer needs to come from a WS.

I know all WS's are in fog and say things that aren't true, but at the time they probably thought they were true, but what triggers them to return. Getting ditch is one answer, it shows OP for what they really are, low life scums who care of no one but themselves, but I'm more interested in the WS who against the wishes of the OP decides to return.

HAF

MrsK's OM was suicidal when she ended the affair. I'll ask her to stop in here and post to your thread. It woun't be for around 10 hours though.

First, you should rework your thread title to say FORMER wayward's because an active wayward is not likely to post or be able to answer your question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am a recoverd WW. Yes, that far out and healed that I no longer consider myself even former .

Yes, I thought I was "in love" with the xOM. Yes, I briefly used the word "soul mate" and yes I thought I was going to leave my husband for the xOM and live happily ever after. Living a double life is very difficult. I started to see xOM in a different light over time. I started to see myself going down the same path my mother did. My mother M'd the OM. I began to realize I did not want xOM raising my kids and the best thing I could do for them was to stay married to their father. I did not confess the A but did convince my H to go to MC. Once he agreed, I dumped the xOM. Shortly after we started MC I got pregnant. I was angry and resentful because I knew I was not ready. (I was in withdrawl) The birth of our son was the big change for me. I fell in love with my H all over again.

Hope that answers your question. Oh my A lasted about 2 years.

Thanks FF and Big K, I look forward to reading Mrs K answer and I've changed the title from WS to FWS to see if I get any more response.

HaF

I was out of my home for 2 wks after DDay ( at a friend’s house). I was a classic ‘I still love you but I’m not in love with you’ WW. I also loved OM at this time, but it was really infatuation, and I basically had to choose between them as I saw it.

BigK and I have a long history…almost 27 yrs together at d-day, nearly 23 of those married…3 teenage sons..LOTS of memories….I remember wondering to myself at that time, how do you erase that?? Can I live my life and chop that part out of it, more that half my life??..Doesn’t my H deserve a second chance?? Do I want my kids to become another statistic?? Seeing my kids devastated by my actions, and being weird to me was also not nice. OM in our case was a good ,trusted friend of our family so it was particularly distressing for our sons.

When I went home, I had serious doubts that my H could change ( we had not found MB at this time) and that we could make it. I was scared and confused and angry and sad and worried. And very Foggy!!

I went home basically to give my H and us another chance, and hoped that God would forgive me for what I had done to my family.

I thank God for the Harleys and what they are doing…I don’t know where we would be without them.

Hope this helps

MrsK

HAF

Squid stayed with me because OM dumped her after I exposed and threatened him out of the picture. Simple as that.

If they're home and in NC, the BS gets the chance to plan A, increasing the lovebank balance. Then, as Dr H says, feelings of love and recommitment are likely to follow.

That happened in our case.

Whatever brings a WS home in NC, its time spend doing the right thing that actually catalyzes rebonding.

The brilliant MrsK , above and her H ( my good mate) have an enviable, loving marriage now DESPITE it starting in the unpromising sitch she describes.

I never lost love for my H.

I "loved him" but was "not in love with him" don't you know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I thought OM was my soulmate. I thought he was sent down from heaven just to be with me.

It took about six months before I began to realize what kind of person OM was, and what a mess I had gotten myself into.

By then I was hooked and "in love." From then on, it was a continuous cycle of leaving OM and trying to work things out with H, without H's knowledge of what was happening. I always ended up back with OM... the pain was so great and the pull was so strong.

This went on for three years. It wasn't until I actually told H that I was able to break free from OM. After that, I was a miserable, withdrawing horror-show. My H stuck by me through it all. He is an absolute saint. I still feel like I don't deserve him at times.

As are addictions. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I knew I was hurting many, many people. I was selfish. OM was an escape from reality, even when being with him wasn't "fun" anymore.

As are not based on love. They are based on emptiness and fear. I think some WSs return to their Ms when they realize this, and want to change. When they see true love right in front of them, and that it's been there all along. The nastiness comes from withdrawing from the addiction, and then the task of facing the fear and pain.

At least that's what happened in my case.

My H was deployed during my A and its end.
Why did it end?
I started hating myself and I was just not coping. My kids hated me, well my behaviour, and then OM's wife stepped in and they moved 1000's km away.
That ended it pretty suddenly & effectively.
I never really missed the OM, I think I realised in all the mess I was the problem not a OM or my H, though I wasn't sure about my H, I thought he was a SOB.
It all quickly changed when he was evac'ed out injured and it all hit me like a tidal wave. In a way it was by default I guess that I chose my M.
After my H got better he worked out 'something' was/had happened. Then I told him. Didn't want to though. And I went through all the 'normal' WS denial & avoidance stuff after.
Recovered? interesting question to myself ... I am HAPPIER than I have been for years & I think my DH is happier as well than a few years ago..... if it can be measured that way then we have recovered US. But its taken work, oh my did it take work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

A common thread in these success cases was decisive action on the part of the betrayed spouses:

BobPure: Squid stayed with me because OM dumped her after I exposed and threatened him out of the picture. Simple as that.

aussieswife: I started hating myself and I was just not coping. My kids hated me, well my behaviour, and then OM's wife stepped in and they moved 1000's km away.
That ended it pretty suddenly & effectively.

In the case of the Kahunas, whom I know personally, BigKahuna exposed the affair. When MrsK came home, they packed up and MOVED AWAY. [the OM was a neighbor]

While a BS often has no control over the outcome, he/she can make a difference if they take action.

I am a FWH, still in withdrawal (D-Day about 2 weeks ago), and the question you ask is very valid. Why indeed?

I have been married 8 years, have a 4 y.o. son, and another about to be born any day now. I am 30, as is my wife.

For me, and probably for most FWS, the reason to return is going to be selfish. When caught in the fog, under the full influence of the addiction (I was there just a few weeks ago), it becomes really hard to come up with reasons to come back. I really believed that I hadn't ever loved my W. I believed that we hadn't really ever had any fun, that I had been somehow forced into the marriage, that we wouldn't ever be in love or have fun again. I am depressed, and having a really crappy home life only adds immensly to that, to the point where I hated everything about my life. My job, my family, where I live, everyone I have known, everything. I wanted to start over, total reboot.

Heck, I didn't even really know if I wanted to start over with the OW (it was only ever an EA), but I knew I wanted out, that there had to be something better, a better way to live. I knew I was happy with the OW, so it was indeed possible for me (I thought, I know, it was a fantasy), but I didn't think it was possible with my W.

All of these are selfish thoughts and actions in the extreme. The Taker running things 100%. So, it makes sense that the Taker is the one who will decide whether to come back or not. I didn't want the shame and disgrace of being through a divorce, the cost, the time, the pain, the suffering . . . from what I understand, Ds suck. I wanted to avoid that.

Deep down my giver was still alive, I didn't want my W or son to suffer, I didn't want to permanently scar my son, I didn't want anything bad to happen to them at all. We never really had conflict, just drifted apart. So I didn't want anything bad to happen to them, but I thought that me being there probably was bad for them anyway, so that argument wasn't what held me there and brought me back. At least not all of it.

That's what I gather Plan A is all about. For most WS, because of the fog, the addiction, they aren't going to choose their BS over the OP because they feel they suddenly love their BS more. They will come back because it might be easier than the alternative, because maybe the alternative fell apart, maybe they aren't ready for D yet, anything. But, they are likely so very confused and gone in the addiction that it won't be because they remember it being good with their BS and choose that. You have to make it very inviting to come back, very safe, or AT LEAST not dangerous. If coming back is just going to bring lots more pain and judgement and hate, well, that might tip the balance to making that worse than the alternative.

It isn't fair, the BS has every reason to be angry and to try and punish the WS, but, that isn't what will save the M. My wife has been awesome with that, helping me through my current withdrawal, not judging, not hating, not even much anger. Just hurt while also supportive. My withdrawal pain is being replaced with empathetic pain for her, which is as it should be IMO.

I should also add that when I decided to expose the EA and enter into NC (on my own, no outside exposure, and no leaving on the part of the OW), I found this site the same day. It gave me incredible hope.

Learning and accepting that love is possible to rebuild, that it "just" takes time, fun, meeting EN, everything that is laid out here -- that is a huge comfort. If the WS really knows and understands that there is indeed hope to rebuild, that makes returning infinitely more desireable than if they only return because it is easier than the alternative.

When I originally was trying to figure out what to do, I had no hope that there was any good alternative anywhere to be found, so I had to decide which was the least horrible and the probability of each of those happening. "Ok, if I leave and totally restart, I might be happier, I might be able to find someone who I enjoy more, or I might screw that one up too, or I might never find someone. Or, I could return and just live in a loveless marriage for the next 50 years, plenty of people do that."

Those choices don't leave any hope anywhere to be found. This site and these boards changed that.

I began to see what a mistake I was making. I made the choice to stay and get well versus heading off with someone I barely knew. Once I REALLY visualized what life would be like continuing down the path I had in front of me, it scared me straight! I'm glad I listened to my inner voices and stuck it out.

Some WS's listen to that nagging voice that says WTH are you doing to yourself... and some don't.

Thanks to all of you who have responded, especially LW2G as I believe you probably feel somewhat alienated as most attention is given to BS's.

I wish I could keep this post at the top of the board for some time to see how much more response I can get and as a tool for newly BS or even WS's so they can get a real glimpse at what drives WS's.

I understand that a good plan A with good exposure is more likely to end any A, but not everyone has that privilege and some like myself didn't find this board until some time after D-day, but by which time a lot of damage could have been caused. For those who's WS won't stop the A even after exposure, appear to create the most LB's, which is only natural. Me personally, while I've don't have much of a family outside my 2 brothers who haven't been able to put any pressure on the A. This means at times you feel as if you are justed pushed into a corner and just come out fighting and aren't too worried who you hurt getting out of the corner. This sometimes includes your own allies. It's no excuse and it isn't until after you exploded you realise that you should of handled things differently.

Again, I thank you all for your input. I will continue to read the posts on MB, so that if I can't save my own M, I can at least help someone else save theirs, if only they don't do what I've done.

And for those who have recovered, great keep up the good work and for LW2G, my prays go out to you and your W in the hope you get through everything.

HAF

HAF - you should be aware that Plan A only ends the affair in about 15% of cases. In most cases, Plan B is required.

HAF
I asked a similar question way back and had some interesting answers. I'll find it and bump it up for you.

Cheers KG,

I've read your post, I even put something in myself. I've bookmarked it and another one I found which I'll keep reading to remind myself what goes through WS heads. Mark1952 has posted a very good thread for newbies which is well worth reading.

HAF

Asking my WH he told me, even though he was with OW, he still felt that he was missing something, he wasn't completely happy, He missed me, I was on his mind all the time and he had missed his family (see, when I found outabout the affair I went straight to Plan B because I was so hurt). Him seeing how life was without me even though he was free to run to OW home now without sneaking, made him want to come back. Of course now were dealing with withdrawals but he knows home is where he wanna be. Hopefully we can get through this.

I asked my WH why he came home. One night he asked me if I had really believed he would never be back. I said I had & had accepted the fact he wasn't & so was building a life around that. He told me that I should have known he would be back. I asked if he always thought he would be back. His reply, yes. I asked why. He said "because when I was by myself, I always thought that without BS there was no WH." I was surprised but said no more that night.