My husband has always been distant and extremely self centered. It's been very frustrating for me but its something that I've learned to cope with.

About 2 years ago he decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I kinda freaked out and made him second guess the idea. We read marriage on the rock by jimmy evans and for a month or two he put real effort into creating a relationship with me. After that he lapsed back into his self serving ways. We've discussed it a thousand times and he always tells me nothing is wrong.

A few weeks ago he came to me and started with the declaration that he no longer believes in God. This was upsetting because we are a christian family and his withdrawl in that area means big consequences for the rest of us. The next day he declared that he wasn't capable of doing anything more than bringing home a paycheck. So what that means is no sex, no affection, no attention, no nothing.

He's a musician and his one true love is his guitar. He's been spending a large amount of time with a new group who happens to have a female singer. He comes home at night, ignores me and spends the whole evening text messaging this woman and his other band mates. I have accused him of cheating and he swears he's not.

He says he just wants his space and he just wants to do what makes him happy. He says the only thing he learned from that book was to pretend and he's tired of it. Forget the wife and 3 kids with one more on the way.

I'm crushed. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for weeks. I've been going through extreme sadness/depression to outright rage. Last night we got into a huge fight, where I pretty much flipped out and he threatened to have me institutionalized.

I've tried having him read some of the articles on this site but no offense - he said dr. harley is just some quack on the internet. I'm pretty sure he said that because he was convicted when he read the article about recreational activities and how they can lead to affairs.

He doesn't want to go to counseling. He's shut himself off from any friend that might hold him accountable for these actions and he is running to these people that he won't even allow me to meet for emotional support.

I don't know what to do. For the most part I'm just trying to take care of the house and make it a pleasant environment to come home to. Every few days I manage to make it a living ****** with my emotional outbursts.

I need some instruction. How do I get him back? How do I at least entice him to want to work on the problem. He just says he can't change his feelings and he doesn't feel that way about me and never has.

I should also add that he is severely depressed. He's been on anti-anxiety and depression meds for many years. They help a little but not a lot. Recently he was having some sexual disfunction so they switched him to a different med. Shortly after is when he got really depressed, started having suicidal thoughts, and declared he didn't want me anymore and wanted to pursue his own happiness. I made a dr. appt for him which thankfully he went to. They said the dose was too low and doubled it. Since then he doesn't seem as depressed but he is set in his resolve to follow through with his plan.

Welcome to MB, stormywsmn....

While I'm sorry that your marriage is going through this, you have found a good place to find help and guidance.

I am definitely not qualified to address what his medications may or may not be doing to him-- I guess it's possible they are the cause of his emotional swing.

But, it certainly does sound like your husband has found his band and/or this woman to meet some of his most important emotional needs.

Do you know what his most important Emotional Needs (EN) are? Are you familiar with Dr. Harley's concept of ENs?

There is an EN survey on this site that you both can fill out to help you both identify your ENs.

If he was a strong or active Christian at one point, then it could be that his depression / emotional issues are wrapped up in the contradiction he is living -- as a Christian he should be committed to his family, love only his wife (no OW) and be happy with his life (or at least this could be his interpretation of how life should be as a Christian).

If he isn't "happy" and/or has a thing for this OW, then it is easier to reject God and Christianity and his family than give up this OW.

Wayward spouses have gone to these and greater lengths to justify their behavior and feelings for the other person.

Plan A involves making the marriage something inviting and reminding him of how good it CAN be.

I think you need to start snooping (his cell phone, computer, phone, car) to see what's going on.

Unfortunately, he's not acting like a grown man and you'll have to pick up the slack for your children.

Keep posting and get very familiar with the concept of Plan A and other Marriage Builders concepts.

Blessings

My H claimed to be a Christian, too. We also listened to Jimmy Evans. It seemed like he really was seeing the error of his ways, but I was wrong. He only listened to the teachings to make me think he was interested in saving our marriage. When it came down to doing something,like counseling, he refused. My WH was distant and is extremely self-centered also. I think those are pretty common traits with waywards. I know what you're going through, and I hope you take comfort, as I do, that you're not alone.

I did some reading up on the plan a/plan be concept and I couldn't determine if it applied to my situation or not since I don't know if he's actually cheating. He certainly doesn't have much time for it but that's not to say its not possible. However, I feel like he's cheating just because of the unfaithfulness in his heart. Obviously his heart is not with me, its with his guitar, the band, and maybe this girl.

Before I knew about plan a I had already started implementing it. I left for a week when he told me he wanted space and didn't want me around. I broke down the whole time I was gone. I got all kinds of good and bad advice from people but God made it clear to me that continuing to stay away put me in the wrong. He said go home and stand your ground. I still had to wait several days to regain some sort of composure. I resolved not to have any more emotional outbursts. I've been home since saturday and have already had 2 pretty severe outbursts.

I just called him at work and appologized for getting so upset last night. He didn't appologize back but oh well. It's just really hard serving and loving a man that seems to care less about me.

So should I treat this hobby and possible emotional attachment as an affair? He certainly loves it more. He's also made it very clear that he would rather lose his wife and children than give it up. Do I continue to support him in this even though it leads him astray? You have no idea the amount of women that hit on him in bars when he's playing. I don't want to have to babysit him but I almost feel like it will be necessary if he's going to continue on this path.

The other thing about the music is he claims I'm very unsupportive. That couldn't be further from the truth. I've sacrificed so much so many times so he could have his way and he refuses to recognize it. He says I always give him a guilt trip. It's true that I get upset sometimes, but its because of the way he prioritizes.

thanks sl77

Oh, I've done lots of snooping. He's OCD so he habitually does things like clean out his inbox, sent messages, and trash can every time he gets a message. Of course this habit wasn't reassuring when I went looking for evidence. Of the text messages I've seen from the woman (looking over his shoulder), one was whining about how she had a headache. Another said how bored she was because her husband was playing golf (a traveling salesman who is never home), and still another accused him of ignoring her and hurting her feelings.

I contacted her through myspace and confronted her on the issue and she denied that anything was going on. She also refused to stop the non business related chit chat because he had been open with her about his suicidal thoughts and couldn't live with herself if she ignored him if he tried to reach out to her.

OK. Here's the thing.

He's having an affair.

1. Get a Keylogger on his computer so you can see everything he does online.
2. Expose the affair to his family, her family, your friends - particularly her HUSBAND. Don't forget your Pastor either.
3. Start doing a good plan A.
4. Batten down the hatches. This will get much worse before it gets better.
5. Read everything on this site. Get the Basic Concepts DVD from this site and also "Surviving an Affair" and "Fall in Love, Stay in Love"
6. Read all the abundance of free information in the FAQ's
7. Pray and believe God.

I knew in my heart my H wasn't faithful. It was just a gut feeling, and that gut feeling was right. He also felt it was alright to talk to women about his problems (mainly me) and I was never comfortable about his boundaries with other women. In my personal opinion, it's not okay for there to be text messages or emails, or whatever, of a personal nature, between men and women that are not married to each other. Those things are rarely as innocent as it is claimed to be.

He doesn't spend much time on the computer at home and he's not allowed to use them at work. How would I track text messages?

How do I know he's having an affair other than my gut because its the only proof I have.

I wrote this message to his drummer today (the other person he text messages all day)
My name is Stormy. I'm Chad's wife.

I just wrote a long message and my little one came along and deleted it. Twice!

Do you have any band logos or graphics I can snag? If so, would you mind sending me a link or emailing them to [email]stormywsmn@yahoo.com.[/email] I run a little printing business and can do fun stuff with images. Chad mentioned you might be interested in some golf ball markers. The images need to be anywhere from 300px to 1500px wide.

I've been feeling a little shut out for a lot of reasons. I've always been involved and supportive of Chad's extra-curricular activities. This is the first time in 8 years that he's made a consorted effort to keep me out. Obviously such things are not conducive to a healthy marriage. I don't want to be pushy, but I would like to change that. So I'm offering my hand in friendship and my services.

I have lots of random and useful skills. I can do pretty much anything on the computer and I'm an expert at typing in those security codes for myspace friend requests, lol. Chad's last band ended up with 35000 friends thanks to my diligent efforts in that area. I know you guys don't need national attention, but it might help to build a local fan base and get more people to your shows. Just a thought. I also own a screenprinting press but my inks and screens have disappeared. It's not a huge investment to replace, I just haven't had the motivation. I also do direct prints through my website www.cherrypress.com but they aren't very cost effective for large orders. They would however, be awesome offered on a website or myspace page since there is no effort involved, you can have a virtually unlimited assortment of designs and colors, there's no investment, and you can either sell them at cost or mark them up a few bucks. I'm a great resource for that busy work that can be done from home. If you need something, just ask and I'll jump on it.

Just one thing that I would ask of you guys is that you work with us, not against us. I'm not accusing you of anything but I am asking you to be sensitive to the situation. A married man is a package deal. Please help keep him accountable during this difficult time.

Thanks and I look forward to meeting you!

Your first post SCREAMS affair. Your instincts are correct.

Assume for a moment that he is not having an affair. Then what?

We actually had a pleasant evening and he really opened up to me about his relationship with this woman. It is clear that they are going to eachother for emotional support. It seems at this time she is struggling with infidelity on her husband's part. I still think it is inappropriate that they are relying on eachother in such a way, but as a plan of action, should this still be considered infidelity?

She is getting her emotional needs met by your H. His pulling away from you, recent emotional turmoil, etc... Is an indication of his growing feeling for her. This woman is VERY dangerous to your M!

It sounds like he is struggling with a failing moral compass. He knows it's wrong, but continues. I suspect this is resulting in depression. He is dealing with an addiction.

"How can this be wrong if it makes me happy"?

What type of reaction does/would your H have to you being around the music scene with him?

"Honey, I want to take a more active role in your hobbies, and interests".

I'm sure it would be difficult to pull this off on a frequent basis, having a family to tend to, but his response to your scheduling a babysitter and planning a few nights out might help with plan A. A negative response would certainly raise concerns.

He doesn't yet know that I wrote the last message to his drummer but he did call me a crazy *b* when I admitted that I had contacted the woman about a week ago.

Every since then he has just insisted nothing is going on, but when I confronted him specifically about the qualities she posseses that I do not, he had to admit he would be attracted to her if her face was prettier. She has a nice body, she shares the same interests. (He has recently expressed some dissatisfaction with my 130lb body and childbearing/stretchmarked belly). So according to him, that's all that's lacking in that relationship but she's still "just a friend".

However, he actually took the initiative to schedule a babysitter to I could attend their next show. A show is different though, its not them interacting with eachother or with me.

Listen to kahuna's words, HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR, even if it is only an EA. Please don't hide your head in the sand.

Her face doesn't need to be prettier for him to be attracted to her. Don't believe that for a second! It's all about emotional needs, and he's already crossing the line in a huge way by allowing her to meet his (and vice versa).

I know. Is it normal for people having new affairs to claim they have always felt the way they do about you?

He had his phone out text messaging today. I saw him doing it so I went to sit by him and he snapped it shut. I asked to see it and he said it was stupid but he handed it to me anyway. It was her again saying she felt like he was mad at him. I got up and walked away upset. After a short while I composed myself and tried to calmly explain how these conversations he has make me feel.

I said, right now, you are not meeting any of my needs. It is apparent that you are meeting at least some of her emotional needs or all of the text messages that I intercept would not be from her whining about how she is bored, has a headache, doesn't want to be ignored etc. I do not think that it is right that you are willing to respond to her emotionally and not to your wife. Nor do I think it is appropriate. He claims that he never responds to her complaints with any more enthusiasm that he responds to mine. He says, oh i'm sorry or that's too bad and that's it. He said the fact that he shut the phone was proof enough that he didn't respond. I've only intercepted about 5 of her messages, but I know he's going through about 700 text messages a month between her and trevor. Surprisingly, I've never intercepted a message from trevor.

This made him really, really mad. He started yelling at me and told me I was being stupid. She's just a friend etc. etc. I need to go see the counselor because I'm out of control with paranoia.

What I intended to be calm communication ended up in another emotional outburst on my part in front of the kids. I pleaded with him to stop and told him the fact that his communication with her is causing me so much pain should be reason enough to stop this nonsense.

A little while later I forced myself to appologize for the outburst but clarified that I stand behind my words.

I hate our conversations because they always end up with him telling me that he doesn't have "feelings" for me, never did, doesn't believe there is anything that can be done to create them. Nothing he says makes sense. When I have emotions I can tell you exactly what thoughts occur that trigger them. He will not tell me why he has the emotions.

I told him I would like him to leave if he is not willing to commit to trying to make this work. For financial reasons he does not want to, he thinks it would be best to live as roomates so he can continue to support us and not have to live in a car. I can't handle that scenario. I seriously think I'll end up in the loony bin. I've already had thoughts of cutting myself several times. I'm not suicidal, but I think its my brain just reaching for solutions to the unbearable pain in my heart. Sometimes physical pain helps relieve emotional pain. Since I'm pregnant I can't do anything else to ease the suffering like drink or take antidepressants. The pregnancy is also amplifying my emotions I'm sure of it.

I'm trying this plan a thing, but I fail almost every day. How do you get your wh to agree to stop contact with the OP?

The past few days he has allowed some affection and even sex to take place. But then later he says he is forcing himself to do it and just faking.

More questions:
Should I contact her again and insist that this stop or am I supposed to just leave her alone.

Should I go to the show and meet these people? You know, so that they see I'm a real person.

stormywsmn-

So, you are in agreement that he's having an affair, right?

If it hasn't turned physical, then it is at the very least emotional. Period. The fact that he admits (at a minimum) that he "responds to her" the same way he responds to you is proof enough that he does not see a difference between his relationship with you and the one with her.

There should be a big difference -- you're his wife.

Given that it is an affair, then exposure is appropriate.

All friends, family, co-workers -- especially band members -- should be made aware of how his relationship with her is damaging your family.

If you can go there, do so -- be around -- show them the pregnant wife he is neglecting.

Their "fantasy" world needs to die.

I would also suggest you contact the cell phone provider and have texting blocked or removed from your account. Ensure there is no way SMS traffic can flow to his phone. Maybe inconvient for you, but a way to kill some level of connection.

He will freak -- he will yell -- he will be angry.

If you feel at all in danger at any time -- seek protection and help. If he lays a hand on you, have him arrested. He needs to be jarred out of this fantasy world.

He is a WAYWARD HUSBAND. I'm sorry that it is true, but the fact stand.

Start securing your finances. Ensure you have a source of money that can provide for you and your kids.

Sometimes, affairs are caught before they've peaked. I'm sorry to say there could be further downhill he has to slide before he looks up. Don't let him spend money meant for his family on this POS OW.

Be strong. Keep posting.

Blessings

I agree with everything Artor said. WS's are very good at ranting and raveing and making you think you're the crazy one. The second I quit buying that my sanity returned and I was able to take the steps I needed. Protect yourself.

I keep trying to collect information and I'm having a really hard time doing so. I finally found her last name and her cell number. I hacked his myspace so I could view her profile. He's not on her preferred readers list anyway. Other than a pic of her in her wedding dress, she seems to be as unmarried as my husband to the myspace world. Don't know how I would contact her H. I've already shared my fears with his mother, who kinda of dismissed them when I forwarded the seemingly innocent and concerned replies to my emails to her. There was also a new message from his sister saying she completely understood how he was feeling and would support him in his decisions no matter what. Everybody already knows that this is killing me and us. It doesn't seem to have made a difference yet.

He left his cell out with the same stupid message from yesterday. I had to pinch myself to keep from picking it up and responding directly to her.

I noticed that he had shaved his pubic area. I asked him today why he would have done that if he wasn't interested in sex. He said he did it about a week ago because it was getting bushy. I brought up the dry penis thing again and he said if I was so convinced he was cheating why don't I leave. I said if you are not going to be committed why don't you leave?

Can anyone give me a reasonable explanation for why one'e penis might get really dry? The night he says he doesn't remember initiating sex, his thing was dry. I'm sorry for too much info, but I put some lube on and rubbed it - when I took my hand off it was covered with chunky stuff. The only thing I can think of is he had sex and didn't wash it off. If he was using lotion or something - it would have been soft, not dry, right? I don't think its a medical condition because its been just fine since then.

Finances if we split would be impossible. I make a little money selling stuff from cherrypress.com on ebay, but its irregular. His money pays the rent and the electricity. Mine goes to food, beer and random things (he) wants.

I guess I'm confused about this plan A thing. How can I be a non-demanding loving supportive person at the same time as demanding he give up the only thing he loves - his guitar. Even if the whole thing with the girl is actually in my head, I still feel the same way about that instrument. Like its the other woman.