I just found out my wife of 10 yrs has been E-mailing an old doctor friend for emotional contact. a little history...Around January she said that she was basically not happy with where we were in our marriage, both emotionally and financially, she felt like I didn't talk to her anymore and she was sick of feeling the pressures of money. I was a little blind-sided but I tried to understand where she was coming from.. as months went by I thought I was trying to change but we have had similar talks since January. she is unstable with what she wants to do for a career and has been in school for 2 years. tonight I discovered an E-mail that she sent to this doctor friend the other night after she had been out with girlfriends (a little drinking?!?) Explaining how much she miss' talking to him, etc...I am devastated to say the least. What kills me that after reading this site I feel like I am the one to blame for not fulfilling her emotional needs. ie(conversation) I don't know how to tell her that I was basically snooping around and came across these E-mails?!?! Please, I could really use some advice.

I wouldn't tell her. I would start making a real effort to meet her needs. If you let her know that you read the email, you will lose that source of finding out what is going on.

Also start spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together. That is very important.

Is there anything you can do about the financial pressures?

I would go back to her email and block his address without telling your wife. That way it will fade out without her knowing and she'll get over him (assuming he doesn't call, so if you have his number block that on your phone line as well). Start meeting your wife's ENs and avoid LBs.

Update, I talked to her about the fact that I had a strong idea that something was up, I did not tell her that I read her E-mails, I feel this is violating a trust thing!! but I did talk to her very matter of factly, and I said that "I will not try to compete with a some other guy that is giving you the emotional needs" she said I wasn't, and that she is desperate for those needs to be met. I told her I hoped I didn't wait too long to try and change. she said she didn't know how she felt just yet. So I am going to see her psychologist in a week, alone. honestly I know what I have to do...I just don't know how to?!? hopefully the Dr. can help me with that!!!

You are foolish. Reading her emails is not a violation of trust, having an affair is.


Contratulations, you just cautioned your WW to take her affair further underground. You are going to have to do a better job snooping now to catch her. You gave her no consequences for her actions. Install a keylogger and catch her again. Next time, grow some balls and put and end to her behavior because what you just did will do no good.

And don't just talk. Figure out what her needs are and start meeting them.

AV
Be cautious here. Your window of opportunity to get any other evidence will be closing fast. My wife never told me anything until it was too late and 6 weeks later - even with the affair out in the open - she is still not being 100% honest with me.

With any luck you have caught this early. I was too late and my wifes emotional affair ended up physical which just makes it hurt even more.

There is a wealth of usefull information on this forum in the form of the experiences of so many others. Also if you havent already done so, take time to read DR Harleys articles - they were a great help to me as they educated me and made me realise that having affairs is just a common human 'failing'. Fortunately virtually all seem to have recognisable patterns and hence counter strategies.

Good Luck!

Thanks for all the different types of advice!! I have been doing alot of reading on this website and am trying to apply it to my situation. one day at a time!!

tonight after I had a counseling session, I had a talk with my wife...I laid it out on the line, I said she had to make a choice of who she wanted a relationship with...she told me it was over with the other guy...by the looks of the e-mails i think he stopped it...anyway, she still does not know what to do, she says again she loves me dearly, but she is not in love with me... this hurts like ******!! the last few weeks things between us have been good...I believe her needs are being met, but I feel it's all for nil!!!! I truly think that as soon as she has a steady job and money, she's gonna be on her way. All I can do is be the best husband I can be. I could really use some moral support right about now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Her behavior and thoughts are very typical. Keep meeting her needs and making changes. IF she is having no contact with the guy, her feelings for you will come back. So please give it your best shot, and hang in there.

Don't expect ANYTHING in return just now.

[color:"blue"]"All I can do is be the best husband I can be."[/color]

Yep! That's what Plan A is all about right there.

It will take a while for her to "get over" the OM but once the fog begins to clear her feelings will begin to return for you, but only as long as you continue to fill her LB$ and avoid love busters that drain it faster than you can fill it.

What you can expect from her is, unfortunately, pretty much nothing for a while yet. Things are likely to improve slowly once they start that direction. Start thinking in terms of weeks rather than minutes and months instead of days.

And keep in mind that every day she doesn't walk out is another day closer to your goal.

Mark

I don't have any advice since I just found out my husband of 12yrs have had an affair with a colleague for a yr. It started out as emails, then visits, then physically. I found out thru emails, all 2000+. He says he loves us both but wants a future with her. I confronted him and he still wants to pursue her yet she called it off to his face in front of her husband. Now my husband doesn't know what he wants yet he states he still loves me. What next? Any advice???

Debbie,

Start your own thread in the General Questions II forum. Give more detail and you will get responses. Be careful, though. The webpage will time out if you take too long to type your story, so write it in Microsoft Word and copy and paste it to the forum so you don't waste an hour of your time.

Debbie,


Read this site thoroughly, get copies of Surviving and Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, and Love Busters and read them. Try to get your WH to read them as well, maybe with you.

Both of you should take the emotional needs survey (you can print it from this site) and once you know his top 5 needs you can start a good plan A by meeting those needs.

You are in part responsible for the state of your marriage, but NEVER accept blame for the A, that was your WH's decision.

Since OW ended the A and her BH already knows, you won't need to expose to him. However, your WH should send a NC letter anyway, just in case the OW ending it was a smoke screen because her BH found out.

If NC is not established and maintained tho, you will probably have to expose you your and your WH's family member, neighbors etc. anyone who can influence your WH.

Take a deep breath and stay as calm as you can, your marriage didn't get to this point over night and it will take a long time to get past this experience.

In the mean time, post here to vent and get advice as you need it. THis is tough stuff, but there are lots of us here who do have recovered marriages.

Who

I found out that my wife and the OM are still communicating, however he has written her to say that he would be her friend and adviser. It's like a platonic relationship that has gone too far!! he is MUCH older then she is, so quite honestly I think this is almost like the father figure she never had?!? I seriously feel like calling him and asking him very calmly and respectfully to end communication, so that we may fix our marriage without the added problems of her being infatuated with him...Is this a good idea???

Normally, I'd say confront her about it and talk it out, but it seems like you are kind of in a gray area. The email suggests she may have told him it was over and he is trying to salvage the relationship by saying he just wants to be her "friend".

I would not confront just yet. Install a keylogger so you can read her responses to him regardless of whether or not she deletes them. I use the all-in-one keylogger which records all text as well as screen captures whenever the mouse is clicked or "enter" pressed.

See how she responds to his request before you confront her. You don't want to give up your best source of information if she was planning on refusing him anyways.

Collect data and when you KNOW she is up to no good, then confront her.

I am so depressed today... My wife still talks to the other guy in E-mails and occasionally on the phone, she still writes how she daydreams about him or to think about him makes her happy!?! he seems to be listening and responding but more like a supportive type role. but when I read these things I think we will never progress forward as long as the infatuation continues. I feel like I fight a battle in my head of whether to E-mail him and ask him to stop all contact, or tell her I can't take this anymore, or continue to work on being a "great" husband and see if she ever will come around?!?! Stressin' bad

why can't you call him and talk to him man to man?

I can see me calling a W and telling her to stop calling, please.

I do believe my H would tell M to stop calling or emailing me.

So what if she gets mad. Your feelings should come first, period.

A successful M means falling in love many times over with the same person

I like this phrase that you wrote...I appreciate your help!!

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think that your wife would take such a passive approach to this as you? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to stop. Your wife is disrespecting you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?