For those of you who still haven't come completely clean with your betrayed spouse. I wanted to post a warning:

You need to believe the counsel here on MB. You need to come clean with ALL the facts.

"All the facts" means all the facts and not just the ones that you think your dear BS can handle. If you don't come clean you risk later discovery which makes it even more difficult to restore trust.

Don't fool yourself that you are safe and later discovery won't occur. It does and sometimes after years of lies.

This happened in my situation. My WS thought I'd never discover the truth, but the story just didn't make sense and the truth eventually came out.

It was impossible to restore trust at that point. I am walking away from my marriage and my spouse.

Yes. Humans want to do the easy thing and avoid the difficult conversations about the truth. I wish my spouse had had the courage to be honest.

You are absolutely right! Withholding facts is one of the dumbest, most devastating mistakes a WS can make, short of resumed contact. Every new little tidbit puts them right back to day 1 of recovery. Like a bloodhound on a scent, most BS's can sense when they are being fooled about all the facts. They will sniff it out if it takes 1 year or 50 years!

Much better to get it out in one huge garbage dump and move on. The alternative is to stupidly die a death of a thousand cuts.

Melody,

"A death of a thousand cuts" is oh so accurate.

The sad thing is that I probably assisted with this because I was probably too quick to forgive back at DDay. That would be another hard learned lesson from the disaster of my situation:

Betrayed spouses don't be too quick to forgive. I'm not saying be a jerk and ruin your Plan A, but I am saying don't let the FWS off the hook too quickly. They need to be responsible for their actions and the aftermath.

Now I gotta try to figure out just who the heck you really are...

Like I don't have enough to do already.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mark

Mark,

No clues from me. I am not that person anymore iykwim.

I just wanted to come back and speak some truths because I have the perspective of "years" after DDay. When I was a newbie I always wondered how many people didn't make it. The boards were primarily full of people just within 6 months of DDay. Even the "veterans" were in most cases only a year or two past their own DDays.

SoMBPast,

It does seem to run in cycles, though there are those who drop in from time to time with stories of success.

You are correct that most of the vets are only a year or two out from D-day. I have found many to start to vanish around six to eight months out. I figure they either are actually beginning to figure out how to make it work or have decided to stop fighting and move on. I know of both scenarios among current vets as well.

Your original premise for this post should be a great warning to WSs who think they are in recovery because they stopped seeing OP. I just wonder how many WS (FWS?) will actually heed this advice and do the right thing before it's too late.

Thanks for dropping in with this warning. I hope those that need to understand it will read it.

Mark

Good advice.

Why the secrecy ? With your real forum id folks could research the history behind your wise advice. And nobody here would think badly of you for actioning against a boundary violation in recovery.

I'm more than 3 years past d-day and I STILL encounter new phases of the journey with new challenges to meet. I am not so arrogant as to say I will never find myself in your situation despite some of our success to date.

Please consider posting under your original handle so as to lend context to your wise advice.

I'm sorry your recovery efforts seem to have ended in this way, but nobody can say you didn't try your very best.

All blessings

I think the non recovered are really the one's that people can learn the most from.

It is this set of people that tried to apply the pinciples and for whatever reason it didn't save the M.

Hopefully it was a success in personal growth. Self healing and becoming a better person.

I am not and probably will never be in recovery in my M.

Part of it is for this very reason, my FWW hiding details and lying for over 3 years.

The trust has gone. But really it was the lack or trust for her to care for my EMOTIONAL well being that hurt the M most. Her lies, for whatever reason she could conceive, always ended in me being hurt. The lies to protect her always ended up hurting me. Self preservation was the goal not healing.

Now people coming back and saying Hey I tried that and my M didn't survive. You think you are special? It won't work.
Or it didn't work for me.

Hey you are in Plan A still without any reciprocation that equals Door Mat at this point.

NC broken 13 times and your answer is another NC letter.

Let The ghost stay and tell people what is what. What won't work and why.

Some WS/FWS just don't want to invest. They want the OOOOPPPS sorry lets go get some dinner approach.

They will never be more then a free loader or a renter.

They may be broken, have problems from their childhood that led to the deterioration of the M but they can't or won't deal with it.

My wifes A started a new chapter in my life. To this point she has not embraced change on her part.

For me I am happy in my life. I am not recovered in my M but I am able to get through.

I want more but to be honest it isn't horrible, it just isn't what I want.

FrogNoMore,

I appreciate the response, thanks.

You are probably right on the concept that MBers can learn the most from the "non-recovered"

The reality of my situation was that I had a FWS who didn't really want to invest in the process. It was the typical, "well hurry up and get past it." And as we all know that has the opposite result.

No I really didn't think I was special. It sounds as though there are a number of similarities in our situations.

Yes I got very tired of being the doormat. For a long time I thought we were in recovery but we weren't. Not that my FWS was contacting the OP. There was just no investment in the process as I said above.

I like the freeloader comment. Yes my FWS was a freeloader lol

My FWS' affair started a new chapter in my life as well. I realized that I was a good person and that I didn't need to live my life this way. I know that may be contrary to MB doctrine, but then again I did give it the good fight.

I wish you well in your new chapter.

BobP

Thanks for the response. I am no longer a daily poster or reader so sorry for the delay in responding.

I just don't want to be associated with the old handle. It's been so long I don't remember my password anyway.

And yes I did try my best but as I said to FrogNoMore I had a FWS that wouldn't invest in the process. I'll also admit that I also made my share of mistakes.

Anyway thanks for the response and I'm glad your recovery seems to be proceeding

Spirit ~

Great post, I hope that many, many FWSs hear what you are saying, and take heed...mine included.

This IS a huge fear of the BSs...we know that we cannot tolerate more lies, more ddays. So if they come months or years after you have been in recovery, after being gaslighted and lied to, they just know they have reached the end.

And it is so sad that something that COULD have been saved is not, because the FWS falsely believes that more lies, lies of omission or whatever, could actually HELP the situation.

It goes back to short term versus long term ~ short term it might seem helful to stave off more hurt or anger or whatever for the BS...but long term, it does WAY more damage, sometimes irreparable.

I am so sorry. May I ask why you are disguising yourself? I don't think that anyone hear would blame you, in contrast, I think that a lot of FWSs or WSs could benefit from your story...just my $02. worth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[waves arm wearily]
Bellevue here. dittos. Listen to the advice.

I should have also stated in my original text that the statement also applies to the Betrayed Spouses.

It is so easy to get caught up in the moment that compromises are made in territory in which no such promises should be made. "I won't call OP's spouse if you stick to NC." etc. etc.