Well, I think that I’m about to be an MB dropout and failure. I’ve been away for a couple of weeks, but when I last posted on my Plan B thread (2nd time around for B), WH said he would meet demands and do the NC letter along with verbal in front of me. Well, it didn’t happen and looks like I’ve been duped again. Looks like he has been with her again (found two addresses in the NAV system for her town). He won’t quit the travelling job because we “have bills to pay” so at this point I can’t go on anymore. After 3 (or is it 4) broken NC and his refusal to find a local job, I realized that this M isn’t a M and I want out.


My belief is that he wants both (don’t they all?) with me at home alone (3rd year now)taking care of a big house, property, my business etc while he travels and takes OW with him or does work in her state where they can live together. I had to face the fact that if he really wanted the M over the A, he would quit, come home and take any job that he could get.

I’m tired of managing a married life alone, tired of being alone on a very secluded piece of property, and just tired of being alone period. I want a life. Is that too much to ask? I have the paperwork to file for a D, but I’ve been dragging my feet. I’ve cut off all communication with WH. I didn’t write another letter. Why bother?


I’ve probably done a lot of thing wrong, and you all can fry me for it (which maybe I deserve) but I did what I did, and did what was comfortable for me. I did Plan A for 5 months, mainly because I thought that we were in recovery, and I did two Plan B’s, screwing the first one up royally. I’ve talked with Jennifer twice and took her advice as well but it hasn’t turned out like I hoped.


Maybe I’m giving up too soon for a 34 year marriage, but my personality is such that I need to be #2 and not #3. Sorry MBers…..

How long were you in Plan B the first time?

What did you require him to do before you ended Plan B the first time?

How long were you in recovery after the first Plan B before you discovered he was in contact with OW?

How long were you in Plan B the second time?

What did you require him to do before you ended Plan B the second time?

How long were you in recovery after the second Plan B before you discovered he was in contact with OW?

While in Plan A who did you expose to?

KG,

Seek a LSA.

Make it known, in writing, what it will take for you to take him back.

Go very dark (Plan B) and stop discussing things with him at all. Only take him back if he meets all of your requirements, whatever they might be and only after he proves that he has met them to the letter.

Let him understand that you are at your limit and beyond.

Make the possibility of losing you REAL.

Find support and work on personal recovery.

Or just file for D and get on with life without him. You make the choice.

Mark

Knitgirl,

I am so sorry for your pain, as well as the evidence of more contact. Seems like your WH is a cake-eater.

No one can blame you for wanting out, whatever you think is best.

My prayers are with you.

MM,

In Plan A, I exposed to friends and what little family we have. OW is in another state, is single and has grown kids.

My first Plan B was a failure. I answered the phone at work (no caller ID) and he blasted me. Was pissed at the letter, blah blah blah. Said it was over, and all of those things that they say. Like a fool, I believed all of it. He said that he had no problem writing a letter. I said OK and of course he let it go and didn't do it. So about two weeks later (after I discover that she is still calling him) I did my second Plan B and stayed dark until he sent word through my daughter that he would do whatever I asked. I don't have an intermediary - no one I know wants to get "in the middle" as they see it.

Anyway, I then talk to him about doing the letter together. He was very agreeable, but it didn't get done. He travels every week, so it seems convenient that he has to leave on Sunday or ends up working the weekend. Always an excuse to avoid it.

I'm learning the hard way on this. It seems that as soon as he thinks I'm leaving, he does whatever he needs to do to make sure that I'll be here, then he leaves again. OW or not, no marriage can survive this kind of travel long term, and this is going on 4 years now. I'm sure that I've made several mistakes, but his travel schedule makes all of this so difficult.

Mark and Ohio

Thanks for the support. I think at this point, the only way that I will move forward with him is if he shows up at my door after resigning his job and with a no contact letter in hand. Like I said in my previous post - OW or not, a marriage can't survive 100% travel - especially one with an A already. The job enabled this A and will enable more after this one is over. Heck, I'm close to an A myself after all of this time....

KG,

[color:"blue"]"Heck, I'm close to an A myself after all of this time.... "[/color]

This statement scares me...

Mark

I don 't blame you at all, knitgirl. I tried for almost 3 years to save my marriage. And I did have a one night stand. I regretted it immediately, but it also woke me up. One person can't do all of the work, especially not for a long period of time.

I suggest you send him a Dobson "Love Must Be Tough" letter.

Mark,

It scares me too, but I know that I wouldn't do it. My values and beliefs are too important to me to break them like that. BTW, I got married the same year that you did. It's been a long time - almost all of my life.

Believer, I want to thank you for all of the support you have given me here. My situation mirrors yours, so I was glad to have found someone who could give me a perspective from the same angle. I've taken your advice, especially on the finances. And like you, I'm sure that I will find happiness someday in the future.

Since my WH travels, I can't be sure exactly how long he has been with her, but as far as I can tell it's been two years and that is enough for me. I can't go three like you did. At this point, I say that we both did just about everything that we could do - short of just looking the other way. My personality won't let me do that.

OK, it's been almost two weeks now - no contact whatsoever. This time, he has made no effort to contact me. He travels, so I have no clue where he is. Here is the question - I'm ready to file the LSA. Since I don't know where he is, the Atty said that we would have to serve him through his HR dept. Should I give him a warning or just do it? I feel like I should at least send an email letting him know that it's coming. Any advice would be helpful.

Don't ever let them know when you are going to lower a boom, as in the case of exposure or D. Why WOULD you? These are the consequences of actions, and need to be dealt with as such. Just my opinion. I never talked to my FWH about legal proceedings, just did them.

JMHO but I wouldn't warn him. Just do it.

From what I've read you've done all that you could. Do what you need to do for you, and if that's LSA, so be it.

You don't "owe" him a heads up.

Others may disagree - this is only my opinion.

I'm sorry you find yourself at this point - it sucks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

SL, Gin,

Thanks for the advice. I guess I was worried that I would P*ss him off and it would become a bitter battle. Friends are telling me to get with him, talk, try to work out distribution of assets in my favor, etc. That just breaks my Plan B (I guess if I consider myself still in Plan B).

And yes, this sucks. I'll be adding more and more dollars to the affair$ $uck thread since it looks like I might have to close my business and get a real job. I have a lot of money invested which I will now lose.

But, my plan of attack will be complete surprise....

Thanks

Hey Knitgirl.....

Time for an update.

What's happening 3 weeks after he disappeared?

Ace

Even though my wife nuked and destroyed our family, I don't feel like a failure.

This site has given me insight and an education to make my next marriage a success and to head off spousal deceit ahead of disaster.