Two weeks ago my wife of 7 years asked for a separation. She says she has been miserable for 7 years and has lost any feelings she has for me. She states that although she loves me, she no longer likes me. I, of course, am devastated at the thought of leaving her and my kids, but I have signed a lease on an apartment near by my house (to be close and available to my two small children and my wife). I am currently in counseling (she says she is to angy to go yet, but will perhaps go alone later), with both a proffesional counseler and my church. We had joined a church one year ago, and I felt we were growing closer during this time period, but in the last 6 months we basically stopped going.


I know that I have made many mistakes and have taken my wife for granted. We have both used harsh words toward each other, I have had occassions were I put by job before her, had issues with pornography and have done other things against her wishes. However, I believe that this experience has and will truly change me and I can clearly see the mistakes I have made. However, my wife refuses to beleive that she made any mistakes, and blames me for not working on the marriage before it was to late. She thinks I can never change and even if I do, she says she does not think she can ever be with me again.

With the separation, she has ageed that I need to be with the kids as much as possible, and will let me come and stay with them as much as possible (at which time she will stay in my apartment). Can she really experience a seperation from me if we almost see each other every day? Or, is this a good way to show her that I working on improving myself and truly have changed and continue to show love and kindness to her during our breif encounters?

How do I proceed? How to I show her I have changed into a better husband and Christian? Is there any hope that she can find love for me again (by nature she is very stubborn, but also slightly impulsive)? Can a separation help? I am very hurt, lost and scared at the thought of divource!

Thank you.

Can a trial separation save a marriage when one partner says love is gone? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 08/18/07 12:00 PM
View Results

Hi Nathaniel. I too am in the midst of a trial separation. We both dont have the "loving feeling" for one another and were fighting. He went to stay with his mom (right next door almost) and we talk and see each other every day, but not for long. He has been home on and off for the past month, but for the past 6 days I have been working hard to give him his space. During these 6 days we have become more friendly to each other and gotten along well. He seems to think that if we are apart and dont fight, etc. that we will grow back together and WANT to be around each other more. I dont agree at all, but am respecting his wishes for now. We have not been talking about "us", but all superficial talk, which of course is not fixing anything, but I am happy to hear from him and see him, which is a change. Before, I could care less if he came home from work and actually dreaded to see him drive up. Im not sure what will happen as he is not ready to spend time together working on our marriage, but getting yourself in a better frame of mind and happier does help. Dont give up at all. I am working hard not to pressure him. I dont tell him I love him, I dont ask him to come home or beg him to try, etc., BUT I do things like send him an email here and there or a text message. Even though I am trying to give him space, I do not want him to think I do not care.

I think a separation can be very beneficial for both spouses. The time apart gives you the opportunity to reflect and work on oneself and on each other. It gives you a chance to see how much the other person means to you and how much they really did for you and how much you need them in your life. Or it will also give you the chance to see if you really want to be back with that person or not. I think, that when a couples M is in trouble and they are living under the same roof, there is to much continual conflict, walking on egg shells and lack of the needed space for both individuals to grow. The downside to a separation is that it is a little more difficult for your spouse to see the changes in you and for you to be able to meet there needs, with the distance that there is between you.

In my own marriage, for 6 months I have tried to get my wife to include me more in her life. Trying to get her to call me on occasion when she leaves work, invite me do go out to do things with her, talk to me able the little things in life. More or less treat as well as she treats her friends and not like a stranger. Every time I would have a conversation with her about how I felt and how I would like to be treated, she would tear up and tell me she agrees and that she is not excluding me intentionally and she will do better. Well things would be good for about 5 days or so and she would again go back to ignoring me. After six months of this I reach the emotional breaking point from felling neglected and her not reciprocating, so I pushed for a separation. We have been separated for 6 weeks now and thinks between us have improved greatly. I was afraid when we separated the only time I would see her or have communication with her was to exchange our S. But, oddly enough she has been inviting me to go out to eat, go to the movies, go to the park, go shopping etc. She has begun to call me on her drive home from work. We are having conversations about the little things in life. She is now filling my request to be treated as well as she treats her friends. Funny thing is she is starting to neglect her friends and is spending most of her free time with me and our son.

Separation is not the problem, it's the symptom. Many couples that separate often see the separation as the problem with their marriage and they tell each other everything will be different everything will be better if we can only get back together, I promise. And they rush back into each others arms. But, unless they focus on the underline cause for the deterioration of there R in the first place and address them and fix them, then a separation will do nothing to help. Separation is not the cause of the problems you have with your spouse; it is the symptom of them. (exert from "Getting Back Together")

Thanks for your input. Being male, you want to have a solution to everything and start working on it right away. I still have not left yet (due apartment availability), so I am have been trying to be kind and nice, and the response is "it's too late for that". However, my hope is when I acutually move out, she may begin to heal and see that I am working to win her back and find love again.

Don't I know it. And believe me your desire to fix it grows even stronger with the more you learn about what went wrong and how you can repair it. But, you will get now where until she is willing to work on it also.

I know from personal experience, that the pressuring, the begging, playing the victim, manipulating etc. does not work. But, what I have found what does work is, patience giving space, making changes in yourself and your behaviors, meeting her needs, staying calm oh did I mention patience.