I am 27 and my husband is 26. We have been married for 2.5 years with two sons (2 years and 8 months). We dated for 4.5 years and they were great, when we got married that’s when things changed. Reading the Table of Contents for His Needs/Her Needs I see that I have been neglecting him on all counts (Sex, appreciation, etc. –but Hellooo I was pregnant back to back but no excuse) June 20 2007, I found out/he admitted that he has been having a 9 month affair with a woman (I know of) 8 years older, with 3 kids, never been married. He said he loved us both and didn’t know who to choose. I was numb. I told him that I loved him and wanted to work on the marriage and to choose me. He was indecisive. The next day I had schedule counseling and at first he agreed to go. 20 mins. Before counseling he said he made his decision and its going to be her. He said actually he wants us both but since he can’t have us both- he wants her. He starts spending the night there and going back and forth from our house to hers. A week later I’m moving out my things. Now all of a sudden he wants to work on the marriage, he goes over to her house to break it off (which took all night ??!!), he comes home and then 10 hours later he decides that he doesn’t want to work on the marriage because he knows that down the road he will probably continue to see her because he’s feelings are that deep for her. So I leave, me and the kids go over to my parents. 3 weeks later, he says he misses me, misses the kids (being around all the time), and he thinks about me constantly. And that he still is indecisive. He said he tried being with her but maybe she is totally not what he wants since I am always on his mind and to have such deep feelings for me as well. Now, he says he knows he loves me but he has deep feelings for her and he’s not sure if its love or not. He is also offended that I haven’t tried fighting for him. Thinking about it I decided to fight for my married and implement Plan A, before going onto Plan B. Not to reward him with having 2 women but to help myself. If our marriage is to fail, it wouldn’t be because I didn’t try. I didn’t tell him about the Plans but I did tell him yesterday that I was going to fight for our marriage. He seemed shocked and happy. He’s on 3rd shift so while at work I sleep over my parents house (like I always do even before marriage) and then next morning I go home (8:40 am) to be with him and he's gone. I guess he got off work, came home and showered and went to her house. So here it is Sunday 5 pm and I haven’t heard from him. Question, when he does come home (I want to fuss, cuss, angry outburst but I know im not suppose too) how should I approach him, or do I play dumb??? Im so upset, Plan A has been in effect for only 24 hours and im already crushed.

I moved this from Plan A/Plan B. Decided to start a thread explaining my progression.

If you read the first post, you see I waited all day. It comes to find out that he was breaking up the the OW. It took all day??!! I asked him to write a letter 3 days later and he refused. That hurt, he was more concerned about her feelings than mine. That frustrated me.

Over the pass few days its been hard, he has be feeling down, I can tell. That upsets me too because while im giving him his ENs, he just pouts over that slut. And she's not a Sl*t because I'm hurt....that's just what she is. She fits all the characteristics that I won't mention here. But yet, my WS feels that he's different, she truly does care about him, and maybe she does....but I almost willing to bet she had one on the side...along with her boyfriend...making 3....or 5 in this situation. Can you imagine... That's gross....you have sex with her (protected-so he say) and unprotected sex with me so you can give us both aids and tell our kids sorry mommy and I have to die because I'm a selfish SOB who cant communicate my feelings to my wife.

I just get sooooo mad, and I'm still so hurt. NC for WH and OW August 5th so now that its 18th....so far so good, I'm proud of him on that aspect. WEIRD however, August 5th was a Sunday, the next day I went to OW job and didn't see her car. Periodically throughout the last few days I go to her job, no car.....What happen I wonder. Did she get fired. WOW, two blows, no man and no job....ha....no, let me stop. Karma or "God"is good. Anyway checking her to make sure they arent visiting each other. Sigghhhhh and it takes up my time.

I also follow my WH, no signs of cheating but still it takes up my time. I'm obsess.

Yesterday, since we started working on the marriage, was the cheeriest he's ever been. We even got to talk a little about the affair since he was in a good mood. And talking about it didnt kill the mood. Mostly I talked. After Watching Infidelity DVD, he said he is going through withdrawals but he know its home where he wants to be. I told him I understand. No LBs. But really I want to say, who cares about her....you're probably already replaced by now.

She's a little wh*** and my husband makes money, and she was probably looking for her next baby daddy to notch on her bed post.

Anywho, I told him that him and her are fantasy because she's only associated with recreation and sex...that's all they did 5 hours a week, well they talked too a lot and text messages...he seemed to listen.

We have MB home study course and he's willing but not enthused, sometimes it frustrates me that I'm more willing to work on the marriage than him, i mean after all he had the affair and he's the one that decided he wanted to come back home....so why should I be more enthused then him. This is so hard. And I don't even think he's asked for forgivness.....NOPE he hasn't.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> no he didnt. I remember I told him i was going to work on the marriage and to please leave the OW alone but mentally thinking I didnt expect him to do it....so when he said he wanted to work on it too the next day....an apology never came out...of course an apology came out D-day but that's when he said he wanted to be with her.... no apology since we've really started working...I asked was he remorseful.....he answered it like it was a trick question.

apparently, he's sorry he hurt me but not sorry about their relationship because it was great. Only bad timing.

ARRRGGGGGG! If he's still saying this crap after my Plan A date that I set...I think I'm gone....maybe.

I just wanted to let you know that your situation is not unique. This is almost exactly where I'm at with WW at 2 months out from dday. She hasn't said she's sorry for cheating on me and although she said she'd try and work on the marriage, she's put more effort into contacting OM.

It's incredibly frustrating to know that you, the BS, are putting so much effort into working on fixing the marriage while the WS does next to nothing. But DO NOT take out your frustration on the WS, it will not help your situation. What has helped me get through it (so far) is recognizing fog-babble. Don't consider it as a valid, actual argument. This held me back for a couple of weeks as I tried to reason with my WW when she said what she did 'wasn't really an affair'. Wow, that was a waste of time I could've spent doing Plan A.

Yes, I think if WH still hasn't shown remorse by the end of your Plan A period then it's time for Plan B. That's the point of Plan B, ensuring you don't lose all love for H.

Thank you! I feel for you because your sitch may be a lil more agonizing than mine....though in 2 months I may be where you are now but at the moment, he's keeping his word of no contact.

Maybe he's doing so good because I did Plan B (unknowingly) first for about a month and he saw life without me and even though he was free (I guess) to see her, she couldn't keep him entirely happy. It'll be 2 weeks tonight. But like I said, will it stay like this---who knows. It took a month for him to realize he didnt want to be without me, will it take a month for him to realize that he Really doesn't want to be without her?

Only time will tell, tune in for next week's drama- These are the days of our lives.

wb, I am confused, your first post is dated 8-18 and you say he is in contact, but the second post dated 8-18 says contact has ended? Has contact ended?

MelodyLane, her first post is actually in the Plan A/Plan B forum and is dated 08/05. She was advised to move to General Questions II. So I think the first post in GQII dated 08/18 was recapping things from the past and wasn't entirely current.

Thanks! Now it makes more sense.

Sorry for the confusing, I just copied/pasted and totally didnt think about the dates....not very good at this discussing stuff. Thanks B-Guy

That's right BSs. The Ho3 came to my house today. I couldn't find my keys, so i was running late to work (I work 8-4:30 and she know it). Finally I find them, it's after 8. On my way through MY neighborhood, I spot her car. I'm thinking: hmmmmm, who does she know in this neighborhood? So I continue to drive like I didnt notice her (don't want her to expect anything), once she's out of my sight I turn around and drive back home. Lo and behold the B*tch is there. Sitting in her car parked in front of my house. She didnt even notice me pull up beside her. When she did, she just drove away. Arrrggggggg. Now I know my WS hasn't tried to contact her at all, just by the way she actin. So I go back in the house (even more late for work-fyi got to work at 8:30am) to tell him what she did and to not talk to her, dont even answer the door unless he's telling me its her he wants to be with, and if she does this ****** again he's going to have to write the letter....he agreed. Why I gotta deal with this Sh**, why can't she find her own man.....why I gotta put my work ethics on hold to deal with my stupid S and the after-math of his stupid A. After-math??is it really?? How can I keep her off my property? Call the police?? What do I say??

Yes, you should write a letter documenting what happened the other morning, signed by you and your husband w/ copies to your attorney stating that this woman (document who she is, what she's done with FWH, WH??, etc)and state that she is not to be found or seen on your property at any time in the future or any and all legal options at your disposal will be used against her.

I would do some careful checking. Supposedly there is no contact , but I don't think it is a coincidence that she showed up at your home while you were supposed to be at work. I would be watching that situation like a hawk.

"I would do some careful checking. Supposedly there is no contact , but I don't think it is a coincidence that she showed up at your home while you were supposed to be at work. I would be watching that situation like a hawk."

That's what I thought, maybe they planned this together, but when I walked in the house, he was still in the bed sound asleep. Exactly how I left him.

To the best of my ability I'm going to be watching her like a hawk. I've already been watching him and nothing out of the ordinary. She on the other hand hasn't been at her job for 2 weeks....she's faking sick. Normally I go to lunch at 1 or 1:30, I will start changing up my times. I have 7.5 days of vacation left too that I can use. WOOOW! I'm actually thinking about using some of my vacation time to snoop, spy, whatever else. Is it really worth it? What BS wouldnt want to keep the family together if they could and fall back in love. But is it worth it?

Giving him ENs while he gives me none because he's in withdrawl. OW disrespecting my house. Me spying on my WH to make sure he's doing what he says he doing. Me using my lunch to follow or snoop. The stress, The LBs I'm trying to avoid. The LB's he still gives me. I hate this, would my kids and I be better off by ourselves?

Someone please give me some reassurance that they have been through it all but with hope, prayer and patience, they are still with WS and everything is fine. Better than ever.

Thank you believer and H&P.