About five years ago my best friend called me up and told me my husband had something to tell me. (they rode to mork and back together) He got home and informed me that he had a one night stand with a co-worker and a 2 year affair with a co-worker. He was sorry and wanted it to work out between us. I noticed that he and my friend were getting closer and her hubby (his best friend) mentioned seeing them holding hands. Long story short, he told me and her what he had done, he wanted us both to know what kind of man he was. They were planning to seperate from the spouces and then get together at a later date. I found out later. I kicked him out, he dropped her to the curb, and I took him back with the strict understanding there were no more lies. It was getting better, then about 1 1/2 years ago I cought my kids talking to the daughter. Hubby told them not to talk to her "Dont talk to that trash!" the kids asked then why are you talking to her mom? I asked for the truth and told him if he lied that he would be leaving. I didnt believe him so I called her! She told me they chatted on the internet, and shared pics. I cant stand to look at him, I dont trust him, and now I have done something bad just to try to get him to hate me and leave. (after all of this I dont want to hurt him by saying I dont love him anymore.) He talks about not thi king about it and just forgeting it (the affair) Moveing on, positive thoughts about him. I want to leave, I cant even stand to have sex with him anymore but if I dont he gets difficult to deal with. Plus the sex is good. Need some advise or any words that may help!




Just an update.....add on....what ever!

His first A was 12 years ago, a 1 nite with a co-worker
2nd A was 10 years ago for 2 years with a co-worker
3rd A was 5 years ago with my best friend, also a co-worker and they rode to work together.

He told me so I would hate him enough to leave so they could put their plan of leaving and then getting together.into action.

He said he wanted to make it work, I forgave him and told him anymore and im gone. I spied and snooped for 6 months and gave up. i didnt want to live like that. I walked in on my kids talking to the OW's daughter. We talked and I asked them not to do it again. They told us my H had been talking to the OW again. We fought, I threatened for the only honesty.....he lied about their contact..I know because I called her and she told me then he admitted it. I still didnt leave. Since then THEY have had no contact??? I called her yesterday and asked her.

I told him several times that I was unhappy in a M that I simply couldnt trust anything he said. and in December I asked for a D. He promiced more changes, but he never delivers. And he was befriending another woman at work, getting coffee with her and telling her everything. He has been on MB befor and knows what to say and a=how to act! whats wrong and right. Yet after all that he starts another relationship up. Desperate and without any balls what so ever, I tried cheating on him to make him so angry he would leave. He forgave me, Although I never slept with the OM, and chatting only lasted 2 weeks and I had no feelings for him. (I know how bumb it was, please refrain from telling me AGAIN!) He decided it was then that I needed to know ALL about his A with my friend and went on telling me in great detail about their sexual encounter. I screamed for him to stop telling me, it was like he enjoyed it! I do not contact the OM stopped right away.

It makes me sick to my stomach when he tries to be close to me in any way. He tries to promise the world when we have nothing (finacially) Neither can afford to move out. I planned to leave today and move in with a friend, but dont want to live on an air bed for 2 months. But I cant stand to stay! I told him last Tuesday that I wanted a divorce and he said stay 6 months and we will go to the church MC, he hasnt called yet. I cant take anymore dissapointment from this man. He preaches moving forward and I give more time and he does nothing. I know I have created this monster by not taking action and keeping my threats real. I honestly dont want my kids to not have me for a few months, to be a mom, live with and take care of and I cant afford the house. So my friends air bed is about the only option. I cant bring them their so its not an option. I know what I want to do but just cant make it happen! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My advice is to accept that you can't change your husband and either learn to live with him like he is or move on. Hey, if the sex is good enough to tolerate some occasional cheating, then maybe its worth it! However, if you decide to stay with him, don't gripe the next time he cheats, because you are staying with the full knowledge that he cheats. Just be sure and get STD testing so you can get treatment when you get the cooties.

He has no motivation to change so it is unlikely that he will change. He knows your threats are meaningless and you won't follow through, so he has nothing to lose.

In the meantime, please tell your kids about his affair [s] so they won't be caught unawares by his next ho. You might want to tell them that adultery is immoral so they will know right from wrong. It sounds like he does this around your kids and unless you validate their sense of right and wrong, they will think that adultery is hunky dory and will become morally confused and grow up to be little cheaters like papa.

My mothers silence about my dad's affairs caused me to grow up believing I must be a very stupid girl because apparently what seemed wrong to me did not seem wrong to adults. No one said a damn thing. So when I was exposed to my dad's affairs, I just thought cheating must be ok and therefore, my instincts that were saying this was WRONG must be wrong.

Please get STD testing ASAP if you haven't already! Hope the sex is worth it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I feel a lot of the ongoing drama stems from not dealing fully with the first D day. Because your H was shown he could do this and get away with it he has no incentive to change. Because HE has to do the changes, you can't make him. However you can and should set boundaries which have consequences for his behaviour.

If you don't want this M then end it. A 'sick' M with such blatant cheating over and over is not healthy for you or your kids. They will grow up thinking this is how normal relationships should be.

Now if you want to try for a good M for you and the kids, not just for the kids, then you need to get into M counselling urgently. I suggest you get onto the Harley's here on this site and discuss your options. See if your H would also get involved from the beginning. If he does not want to, then in the circumstances you have described you may need to consider ending the M sooner rather than later.

Staying in the M for good sex? (frankly I challenge the truth of that over time) alone is not the best choice is it? What about aids, STD's he may bring to you. Remember that when he has sex with another person he's sleeping with everyone she has. If he has multiple partners as seems to be the case, its like playing with fire, sooner or later he'll get burnt and SO WILL YOU!!
You may think that its impossible to feel 'love' again for your H, but it has happened here over and over. Its not easy, it does not always happen, but its possible.

So I suggest
one ... choose what you want ... try for a good M or get out of it
two ..... STOP having unsafe sex with him, you can't trust him on that score right now
three .... make sure your kids understand that his behaviour is WRONG
four ... if you want to try for a good M then go and work for it with a good MC like Dr Harley from this site
Five .... read all this site info over and over and look at getting the books they talk about on this site
Six .. want out .. then do it... it has always been YOUR right to end the M when he cheated. End the pain if that is the only thing you want to do.

Also its pretty quite here on the weekends so wait until its over to get more advice

You have a lot of thinking to do

AW

How old are you?

SB

Can you tell us what this means?

TA

I am 35. My husband was the first relationship I had. married 15 years with 2 kids. I asked him for a devorce several time. In December i told him I couldnt be with him, he talked me into staying with more promises of change. I Have never cheated on him, and he always said if I cheated on him he would leave, so I tried the cowards way out and tried to have an affair, I made it clear that I was talking to the other guy. but I couldnt have sex with him. I just couldnt. He asked me aboout it and I told him the truth about what happened. That I couldnt do it. He had to know every detail. Thats when he said I HAD to hear about him and my friends experiencs....... ending with me begging him to stop telling me. I cant even look at him anymore.

it sounds like your M is a cancer that needs to be cut out completely. It also sounds like both you and your H are very immature for your age and would both do well to undergo some serious counseling before engaging in another relationship.

This isn't a baseball game and not a prison sentence.

Please go read SAA and HNHN (both by Harley). Have both of you take the EN Questionnaire and then call Steve H @ MB for some couples phone counseling. If your H won't do it with you, you keep the appointment w/Steve. Make sure you read and take the EN questionnaire 1st.

Then if after you have applied the best help and done your best, then you w/b in a better position to know if it s/b over or if there is a real chance. Of course the effort has t/b on both sides but primarily on the WS' side. The BS (you) will then need to decide if the trust c/b restored and the M c/b saved.

L.

OK! The work thing! My WH has had 3 A, all at work. He started talking to another woman at work in January or February. He needed someone to talk to! I warned him as he had preached to me about in the past, That is a bad idea! I told him then if he continued to talk to her in any way, we were through for sure. He said he stopped! I didnt believe him. Yesterday I asked him if he had talked to anyone and he said he was talking to her. He got mad when I asked if he had ever stopped. I dont really care if he did or didnt. Thing is she is asian, he has a thing for asian women. But she is happily married with a 1 year old baby and doesnt realise how good he is at getting what he wants and I told him that straight up! I looked at him and said "if you continue talking to her and needing her and she keeps comforting you, she WILL develope feelings for you and you WILL [email]F@(#[/email] thing up for her and ruin her life. What do I do about this one. If I talk about her he gets pissy and thinks its because im jelous. I have watched him tear 2 families apart already and know full well he can do it again. Help!

say goodbye to this sad sack excuse for a man.

I know your pain Tamneedshelp, and I am sorry for anyone who has to go through this.

I have just been a lurker on this site but after reading your posts I just had to create a profile and chime in. It's like reading a book of my past experience with my husband, and yes he is still my husband. I won't go into my story, but at one point I was in the same spot that you are now.

I went on forums and told what a monster he was for cheating on me, I had all our friends and relatives against him. I had all my friends at work hating the man, and they didn't really even know him. I actually looked for reasons to hate him, to point my finger and say, "see he is doing it again".

But it wasn't until I nearly lost him for good, that I realized how dishonest I had been with myself and others. I was just like you, saying how much I couldn't stand the man and wanting to leave him, how it was all HIS fault for cheating on me. Yet I still slept with him, I still stayed, I still worried about who he was talking to at work. Why? Because at the end of the day, I had to look at myself in the mirror. I knew how I had treated him. I knew what a cold hearted ****** I had been to him so many times. I knew that he did try to communicate with me. I knew he was a good provider and a good father. I knew he wanted more sex. I knew he loved me. And most of all, all tucked away deep within my heart, I knew I still loved him.

Yes cheating is horrible and he needed to deal with his problems. But I was sending him out into the world every day without meeting any of his needs. Looking back I can honestly say, I don't really blame him for straying. Even though he tried and told me over and over, I didn't meet his simple needs. I was just too wrapped up in myself to meet anyones needs.

Finding a GOOD counselor was the best thing that ever happened to us. Over time, I was able to deal with so many issues tucked away inside me, and my hubby too. I know now that even if I would have left him, I would eventually had the same problems with someone else, because I would have brought all my baggage into the new relationship. I was just SICK of being unhappy and thought that leaving would fix it.

We are still together now, three years later, and I am so thankful I didn't leave. We have a wonderful trusting fullfulling marriage and a great family life. It can work if you are both willing to try.

I think I need to emphasize (sp?) that he HAS NOT STOPPED perusing other woman. No matter what threats I throw at him, no matter how MUCH he "says" he wants to stay married to me. He STILL goes after woman at work with a fierce need to be ??????. onthewater10. I hope you are happy, I hope you can live with false hope that it won’t one day happen again and you have to look in his eyes and yet again be disappointed in the person who swages not to hurt you! I can't! I am a very trusting person. He calls me naive all the time. I just choose to trust until I have a reason not to. I am not confused about man kind any more. I understand that we are all human and can and will make mistakes that hurt other people. No, it has been 5 years since the family (dog included) sat on the couch crying our eyes out, telling him how much we loved him and with the understanding that all the lies were done and over, he to this day defecates on his promises and my heart.

Tam--

How old are your kids? Boys/Girls? Are they close to leaving home (18) so that he doesn't feel a "tie" to the family?

I honestly can't put myself in his frame of mind that he would do this, but, then again, that's why we say an "alien" has inhabited his body.

If he is still in an affair (pursing this other woman), then Plan B is the next step if you're interested in saving the marriage. He moves out.

I hear your feeling of love for him pouring out of you. Plan B is a way to prevent his choices from doing further damage to you and any feelings you have left for him.

You go dark and have nothing to do with him. Yes, to some extent, you're turning him over to his wayward life. Let him see the ultimate impact of his choices.

If your children are old enough to "choose", then you should lay all the details and history in front of them. Let them decide how much involvement they want with their father.

Read up on Plan B and some of the Plan B threads on this board.

If you should choose, on the other hand, to initiate divorce, no one will fault you. It may be the jolt he needs.

Blessings

Tam,

IN CAPS NOW!!! YOU NEED TO EXPOSE THIS RELATIONSHIP TO THE ASIAN OW'S BH TODAY....CALL HIM TODAY AND TELL HIM WHAT'S GOING ON, THAT YOUR WH HAS BROKEN APART TWO FAMILIES BEFORE THIS WITH HIS PHILANDERING. YOUR WH IS A POS TRASH SOB WHO I HOPE WHEN THIS LADY'S H FINDS OUT ABOUT HIM THAT HE WILL DRIVE DOWN TO WORK AND KICK THE S*** OUT OF HIM. THAT'S WHAT THIS SOCIOPATH AND THAT'S WHAT HE IS, NEEDS.

DO SOMETHING, THE RIGHT THING AND CONTACT THIS WOMAN'S HUSBAND TODAY......LET HIM HAVE A CHANCE OF SAVING HIS MARRIAGE AND HIS YOUNG CHILD GROWING UP WITH HIS PARENTS. THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO DESERVE THE PAIN THAT LIFE DOLES OUT TO THEM AND YOUR WH IS ONE OF THOSE.

My kids are 12 & 14.

Strange thing, I was reading a reply earlier and was thinking wow that sounds like a lot of things my H would say! When he got home from work, he was angry! Mad because "the last 5 years he has been doing everything in his power to make me believe that he wants to make it work and that he has changed and that After everything he does for me I still dont trust him. The relationship he has with his co-worker is just business and a little friendship and I should not make it anything more than that. I am making the desicion to end it and it has nothing to do with him I just want to make it look like it is his fault! I know what he is doing! I know he has come on this site and read a lot about how things work and what you are supposed to do and be in a relationship. He is very smart. I think he uses things on this site to aid in his taudry lifestyle. I have no proof that he is having an EA with this woman at work, other than my past experiences. This is how it all starts. Maybe she doesnt even realize it? She may be a nice woman, but he is slick! 3 affairs all at work and he still wonders why I dont trust this one! He even said I had no right to tell him he shouldnt speak to her anymore.

Has he worked at the same place through all these affairs. If so, employer needs to know because, should some woman decide she has been scorned by him, they could find themselves in for a sexual harassment suit.

EXPOSE this man at work. In writing to his supervisor, company head, and HR dept.