My Former Husband will be coming into town next week to take his things. He lives the majority of his life around the world so when he left after the divorce was final he took just what he needed. I purchased a house two months ago. It was painful to separate his from mine but at that time we were still entertaining the possibility of trying again so I at least had hope and it kept the pain at bay.

I realized recently that we were both in limbo with his belongings in my home and asked him to please help me move everything out. He agreed and will be taking eveything back to the state he moved to.

It's finally hitting me hard that it's really over and I'm faced with "our things". Although his things and my things were already separate, trying to handle the separation of our things is almost too much to bear. How do you split up memories, photos, christmas ornaments you bought on all your vacations, collections you had together, honeymoon souveniers etc.

I'm dying inside and I don't know how to get through this. can anyone tell me what it was like for them. Although I wanted the divorce, I still love him, we just didn't bring out the good in one another. We are both good people but together we were dying inside. I know we will both be happier in time. We both some what are already but this is so difficult.

I thought I was farther along than this..


MWM

Your are in a tough situation because it is bringing back a lot of history and memories for both of you and dividing up sentimental items make it even more difficult. The best thing is for both of you to stay civil about the items and be open and honest about which items are important to you and that you would like to hang on to them.

I read in a divorce book to write down a list of anything over $500 then decide. Then a list of sentimental stuff, then decide. Maybe you need to get it all in writing before he shows up - and even better, start emailing away so it's all settled and there's no little "war."

Anything sentimental that he doesn't want, you might burn or box up or whatever so that it's not in front of you all the time. Personally I wanted to "start over" and I didn't even want "our" furniture and etc. stuff. He has it all. Fine with me. I prefer my thrift store finds without memories - other then cleaning and polishing some rich persons junk.

We had a very amicable divorce. In fact it was over and done with in 30 days. We would like to still be friends but it's just too painful for both of us at this time. In time perhaps.

I'm not having trouble with this because I'm afraid we will argue or fight about our things, rather because I miss him and our life. The part of me who lives in reality knows we will both be better in time. The sentimental part of me says lets try again but I know things are too far damaged. I really let him down by giving up. I really shocked him when I asked for a divorce. He knew our life wasn't the greatest together but I don't think he thought I would just give up and walk away. There were no affairs or abuses just general unhappiness. If I knew about this site before I got to the point I think I could have turned it around. I could have seen where I was making so many mistakes and tried to work on myself instead of always thinking he needed to do something to change. But who's to say. He may not have recognized the changes because by that time our defenses were so high. So perhaps I would have ended up here anyway. I was someone who thought I would never get divorced. I would fight and fight to make my marriage happy and get through any rough patch and I just walked away. For no good reason. I thought they were. Oh anyway.
If it's possible, we had a better life together when we decided getting divorced was the right thing. It was like we became best friends for the first time in a very long time. We both let our defenses down and actually talked to one another without fear. It was wonderful and unfortunate because I fell in love with him all over again. It was too late though. I had convinced us both that we would be better off. Anyway, it's all just hard. I know every day gets better (then the next is ******) but those good days are really good. On many days I'm grateful I had the courage to go out on my own again, but then today, reading all the anniversary cards and Christmas and birthday cards I see I took something very special for granted.

I think what is killing me the most is I used to pester him about never sending me post cards from his travels. Today I found sooooo many. I'm stunned at how many there actually were. What was WRONG with me? I can rationalize this to myself and say they were so few and far between that I forgot, but I think the reality is I just wondered why there wasn't one from EVERY place he went.

He was giving me the stars but I wanted the moon. So stupid. so blind. so dumb.

By the way, thank you both for responding. I know I'm going to have such a hard time keeping a stiff upper lip while he is here and it kills him to see me that way. It's not fair to him. I did this to us. I did this.

YOU aren't the only one responsible for a broken marriage, I don't buy that. It takes two to mess up a marriage typically even if blame can be pointed one direction more then the other. Part of the process of healing is remembering the good times, it's natural - so the divorce experts say. You'll get flashbacks to the good, and that's a good thing in some ways.

Perhaps we all go into marriage unrealistic, we want more then marriage can give these days. We are more worried about what we are getting then what we are giving. It's never too late for a couple even after divorce, many remarry years later. Why don't you ask if he's open to counseling if you really feel this way? Or somehow test him gently to see how he feels. My experience is men go into their "caves" when dealing with hard issues - and he'll guard his feelings.

How about becoming a more spiritual person yourself? Finding meaning in other things then marriage? You say there was general unhappiness... not to be a Bible thumper, but I've learned some of the "rules" may have been to protect us from hurt. Happiness doesn't come through marriage, or another person, it's from within and from God and from having a higher purpose. I'm not "there" yet but I've messed up my life so much and the "could have beens" are sad.

He came into town yesterday and we spent the day going through all the things left to be separated out of the boxes we had in storage. It was the saddest thing. We laughed at old memories, talked about things to come, talked about things we misunderstood since the divorce and we both realized it is really over. I realized how much I hurt him by giving up on our marriage and it makes me so sad that I didn't try harder to see life from his perspective. To see the gentle man who lived inside of him. To really see him. I understand he didn't try so hard to show himself to me but he said he always tried to understand me. That killed me when he said that. I never felt he was even there, that's my perception and my constant need for more. I really should see a professional about this. I feel so selfish and mean. Even though I realize it wasn't all my fault.

He says we will see each other again. I hope so. I really love him. I just wish I knew that before I quit.

anyway, I guess I'm about 18 steps backwards from where I thought I was. I don't want to go back to sitting on the sofa all day staring out the window. But I didn't go to the gym today. I feel lost again.

Divorce is so hard........