I think it is great if you can get your wife or husband to sit down and read the books and work through the questionaires, but how do you do it?

My wife would laugh if she knew I was reading marriage books for the last 7 years, and would probably blow up if I suggested she read one or take the EN test.

Do your ENQ and then do the ENQ from her perspective. Rank her needs based on what you know about her and rank where she would put you honestly.

Take the ENQ you did from her perspective and tell her that you want to meet her needs and you assessed where you felt you were at from her perspective. Ask her to take the ENQ so you can compare her answers to where you put yourself. She may see some things and realize that she isn't meeting your needs and recipticate taking the ENQ. That may open a dialog to reading the books together and sharing more about each others needs and how they need to be met.

My advice is only worth what you paid for it so, good luck!

That is a good suggestion. It shows I am doing something, thinking about her needs, without telling her, "Here, read this instruction book on how to be a better wife!"

I must say that what got me to join this discussion group and post was an event similar to this which pushed her over the edge. I had surgery some years ago, and appear to be totally recovered, which may not sound like a big deal, except that 95% of people who have this surgery don't fully recover, have serious side effects, or die. So the medical school wanted to ask me questions. One part of that was a psychiatrist who was curious about everything from was I really recovered, to survivor guilt, etc. The questions about my love life were the first time I had ever talked to anyone about this. When my wife asked about the questions, I told her about this part and it really set off a tirade of denial and accusations about what I probably told the doctor. Well, I hadn't talked to him at this point - only filled out questionnaire, which I showed her. More denial of the frequency (or lack thereof), then lots of excuses about how I didn't deserve any at all and she didn't feel like doing it at all (no true, but intended to hurt me).