I am embarrassed. I am a professional and during a time when I was very tired, depressed I told too many people about my marriage problems. Too many means very few actually but a few friends and a mother can do a lot of damage. I saw an old friend I hadn't seen in five years, someone I'd confided in about things that went on in my marriage. I told her how embarrassed I was when I went to my hometown and had the SCARLET D on my forehead. I guess it came up because she was blabbing on about her own son's divorce, telling me horrible details. I thought about it, the guilt on her face, and OF COURSE if anyone asked about ME, she TOLD ALL, don't you think? I mean a town of 10k people I lived in and was a public figure in for 8 years... you don't think she thought it wouldn't matter, or it was juicy, or whatever. I just feel like a fool. Ok of course it's all HIS fault, but these things go both ways, we all know that. I just wish I didn't ever tell anyone a thing. My mom blabbed to members of our church, they'd PRETEND at my dad's funeral to ask about my life, I could tell they all KNEW. Gossip is mean and hurtful, I'm sure my friends and mom were just venting and chatting - but still... it's embarrassing. I just regret having discussed my marriage with anyone, other then anonymous people online at this point. At the time I thought it helped to talk to others. Even a customer the other weeks said something about "my marriage" in THAT TONE, and OF COURSE HE KNOWS... all it takes is one person, a gossipy employee that went to that town now and then - even though I said DO NOT TALK ABOUT ME. My husband did push/shove, and even if I'm the so called victim it's NOTHING I wanted broadcasted. And one employee that was my so called "friend" likely told the gal I hired that was HER friend. One comment in a town that size, it's all it takes. I realize others have more to do then talk about ME it's just that I don't want them talking about my private life.

One thing that I have discovered is that the church will kill it's wounded and assist the agressor.

I also lived in a small town of less than 20,000 and my church DID abandon me for allowing my wife to have an affair and divorce me.

Funny thing is, they are supporting her 100%.

Don't fool yourself into thinking that is limited to small towns. Even though I've never abused or so much as threatened my third wife and I didn't cheat on her or otherwise, members in the church I attend stood against me and in favor of our divorce. Little did they know just how much my ex wife was using and playing them. The day the pastor told her she was wrong for refusing to even tell me how the kids were doing is the day her and her entire family stopped attending that church.

I'm there to this day and am very involved and in fact have been asked to take on a leadership role now in both that church and in a new church they are opening up in a town over.

I just think that's the sad reality of things.

Do you know what I did? I told everyone - ABSOLUTELY everybody - what happened to me. This is totally unlike me. I'm usually a very private person. But this whole thing blew me out of the water and most of my behavoir was very rash and atypical. But it turned out to be the best thing I did. There is no gossip, because everybody has heard first hand. Everyone has been phenomenally supportive - in ways that I never expected. The few people that he got to first and got a different version than mine were soon corrected. Because it is out in the open, I can talk about it in public, in crowds, around family, friends, aquaintances and even total strangers.

I don't have a church, but I do live in a small town and work for a large company. I also have some fairly "gossipy" circles of friends. I'm sure that if I had not said so much myself, the same would have happened to me. I don't know if it has been going on too long to make a difference for you or not, but I would recommend telling your side of the story. Gossip only spreads because people have only pieces of information and they do what the can to fill in the gaps, whether it is the truth or not. When the truth is out there, there is nothing left to gossip about.

I don't even care if they are "siding" with me or him, it's just that I'm a private person. Likely it's not as bad as I think, but heck I moved to a new town and rarely go back to the town I did business in for 8 years. When I do I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed when I go to my home state too, I was raised in such a Christian family.

What happened is like a broken record. Things he said to me, what he did, and what he's saying now. His story is that he was co-dependent, that I left at the very first opportunity, that I was independent. You name it. I'm sure his family believes it, they live three states away so it doesn't matter. He blames me that I broke up two families. He's the one who cheated, lied, ran around, lost two jobs, caused distress - sure I was a part of it - BUT...

Truth is no one will ever know the truth about someone's divorce. Seems as though it's human nature to BLAME. Like I think my "friend" thought, "well..." you know about "my story" and likely expanded on it when she didn't hear from me for years. True, they knew LITTLE and thus CREATED more. You are right about that.

So when anyone asks in BUSINESS I don't say a thing. Everything is FINE, FINE, FINE ie... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS - MY PRIVATE LIFE MEANS NOTHING TO YOU. Or a shrink once said to say I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL - and people will get the point. Or do they? I feel so alone sometimes, sure I moved to a new town for a fresh start - but I lost my support groups by doing this too. Why should I be the one who's ashamed for abuse? And it really was abuse - my ex smashed me around the first six months of my marriage - trouble is my friend remembers the stories from THEN and likely she should. She should be of concern, but she shouldn't spread gossip about it.

I'm just venting, I just wish things were different. Some days I feel so worn out and poisened by all of this. I need to stop looking at my ex's emails - everyone here was right - it's not helping with HEALING from this mess to read what he's said about me - then to IMAGINE what others have said about me. I need to get on with my life, I just don't know how. Time for shrink number 10 or whatever the number is now I suppose... and attorney whatever the number too.

I exposed her affair to EVERYONE also even though I was humiliated. I had hoped it would kill any gossip.

She said that I was lying and I had been abusing her and was often in uncontrollable rages.

The truth is, I was still recovering from the gun shot wound and couldn't even walk, much less fight.

The pastor only believed me when she sent this e-mail to church members saying she was in fear of her life and I played her plotting to kill me on tape to the pastor.

My pastor told me that she was "troubled" and it would be best if I didn't return to the church.

Now she is free to smear me at will and she most certaily has, everyone hates and refuse to hear the truth.
She even went so far to tell them I had made the recordings and modified them to falsely implicate she was having an affair and trying to have me killed.

Let them have her, she's their little pet devil now.

Interesting how "religious" people are the worst. One of my friends said "stuff" about me, I knew her and her "perfect" family well. She watched my boy a year as I wanted a "stable" Christian home for my boy. I never saw a "sign" of trouble at their home, not once. A few months ago I called her again after calling every month I was in town for six months as my boy wanted to see her kids. She said she "didn't know how to explain THIS to me..." That she got a divorce - oh yes, in three months, and it was coming to THIS in her marriage. So all along her going on and on about her great family was a LIE and I think it was HER, she was all cute, sexy and skinny when I did finally see her. Said she didn't care that she only saw her kids every other week now as she had "business to do" with her new job - her story before was how she only wanted to stay at home with her kids and would watch my boy too.

SICK, SICK lying hippocrates in this world. Heck I was the honest one, told a "few" people about my marriage problems and got gossip - and likely just as much junk was going on in this so called Christian home where my boy was during the days for a year!!!! I really do think why she can't "explain this to me" is she was a yeller, screamer and cheater. We'll never know about people, I started reading into HER but I quit. We are all HUMAN, but I'm so sick of hippocrites. In fact my other so called FRIEND's Morman husband flirted with me and tried to cheat on me in my 20s, I forgot until I mumbled something last week when I saw her for the first time in years about my ex's porn... well HER OWN PERFECT husband confessed to me she didn't have sex with him, he had porn magazines at his office - then he was suggesting if I was single I might have NEEDS.

As it says in the Bible... if anyone is innocent or doesn't have garbage in their own lives they can THROW A STONE. If NOT I suggest they all SHUT UP. Especially the so called religious liars....

Horsey2, your anger and bitterness is really coming through. You know you are a good person and you know you did nothing wrong. The gossip mill will grind away on this until something else comes up in your town. Don't worry, it will. Meanwhile, hold your head high continue to be the upstanding professional that you are. People will form their own opinions and see for themselves. Everybody knows that rumour is rumour and that fast-spreading stories are mostly lies. Your ex's true colours will come out on their own and then people will KNOW him for what he is - and it won't be speculation. It will take time for this to happen, but trust me, it will.

I personally do not go to church and I'm currently disillusioned by religion in general - partly for these reasons.

They don't know my ex, they only know me. In the town I used to live in, I married and moved away. So likely you are right, there was some limited gossip and my so called "friend" one of the "few" that knew a thing about my personal life from that point on was likely the one guilty of spreading rumors.

I did go threre the other week - held my head high, chatted with some customers - I still have some in that town - and left. For a long time I wouldn't even go there, i don't know why it was. I just moved on anyways marriage or not. Small town people are so small minded, I won't live in a small town ever again after 8 years in one.

I'm just tired this week from working and traveling too much. I know the "look" of guilt and my friend had it, but she's human like all of us. Likely people just asked about me, she told them I had a bad marriage, got a divorce, and maybe threw in some dirty details. I wasn't living there so she figured it wouldn't matter. But I still run a business there - I have a number of customers to this day so it does.

People don't think. Selfishness. I suppose we've all spread rumors without thinkng of the consequences. I was just as guilty - when I saw her and got "caught up" I actually told her more "dirty details" of my divorce - and it's hurtful stuff about a dying father, a little boy, sleeping on a mattress on the floor - I have a feeling it didn't match her story of me marrying for money, whatever... I just have a feeling about how the story came out. I don't care though.

I moved to start over and start over I will. I just need to remember to SHUT UP about my personal life. Sometimes I just feel like venting as I went through a lot in my marriage and personal life for years. But people are mostly NOT NICE I've found when it comes to this garbage. It's better to talk anonymously online or to a counselor. I guess I need another counselor because lately I've shot my mouth off about divorce stuff. I read in a Christian book once that if someone wronged us we aren't to spread stuff about them - I think generally it's true, I've continued to bad mouth my ex - and it's about true stuff that happeened - things he said/did that's awful - but it reflects on me too. That I married him, that I stayed, that I moved out, got pregnant - not exactly a stable business woman here.

So SHUT UP I will.

Why should you feel ashamed? You tried your hardest. You did your best. You did an awesome job getting your infant son out of a mess. Your H was drinking heavily and getting scarier. You pulled yourself together adn did what was right, and healthy. You should be proud of that, and forgive yourself for any mistakes you made before that.

It's not so bad being divorced these days. That's probably not a good sign, but it's nice for me. I don't have to explain to everyone what happened. Sometimes, we share. I found out a bunch of people at work had been married before. Most are very, very happily remarried. I thought those were first marriages where the fairy tale came true.

Anyway, just hold your head up high. You've done your best and you've protected yourself and your son. That's more than many in your old home town can claim, I bet.

Greengables, I think you are right, actually I wonder if some admire someone for leaving a junky marriage - like my "friend" who's husband was hitting on me and obviously cheated on her at some point in her perfect morman marriage. Maybe the "look" she gave me wasn't about "me" to begin with, maybe it was about "her." And the other friend in her "perfect" Christian marriage that got divorced, what went on behind those closed doors? I know too much, so I can only begin to imagine what I shouldn't.

Yes my husband was drinking a lot when I left, it was scary actually. My dad was dying, I had a baby, he sat in the basement drinking night after night. He blames getting fired twice in our marriage on me of course, "our problems caused this" but he was fired twice in jobs before even meeting me. Shrinks have a word for this - trying to put the guilt on someone else and blaming. I believe it's tied into his alcohol problems. I have no idea how much he's drinking these days but I read enough - people drinking as much as he was can't quit on their own, or it's rare, so likely it's gotten worse.

Everyone on this site told me to leave before my boy had memories of the mess going on. THANK GOD I did. I don't know why I've been second guessing myself on LEAVING, I think my ex has been shooting his mouth off at me lately by phone and emails because I've moved on, gotten healthier, lost weight, gotten in shape, expanded my business - he doesn't like THAT, and so he tries to get me back to the games. A shrink once said that with time I would see his games, in black and white, and for the most part I do - even what he says to my boy - so obviously an attempt to control and set me off. The best revenge is for me to stay mentally healthy, fit, and to be as positive as I can...

YES I think you are right for the most part - in the real world - and not the Christian world I grew up in - divorce is more normal then we want to admit. I don't even feel like I have to explain myself to people I meet, I just say I"m a single mom. No one really asks questions. It's the people I "used to know" that I really don't care about anyways that talk.

Even a counselor told me a few months ago that I look "put together" enough and professional - that even when I did "slip" and mention the mess I was in people don't really believe it anyways, not someone like me. In a way I suppose she's right. Another counselor said it didn't make sense - someone as independent as me such a victim - but violence happens in all classes - I was in a mess, my ex was horrible and was getting worse all the time. I can't imagine the little boy has grown up, even though he's now 50 years old. He's a big, big baby still lying, cheating, manipulating, trying to make himself look good - as my mom said, no character, just a pretender, a hippocrite, a liar in a business suit - trying to be something he's not.

My boy will figure it out one day. How sad for him. But I will hold my head high as you are right, I left a situation I should have, yes I made mistakes under the pressure of lying, cheating, selfishness - but I can't go through life feeling guilty and ashamed. Even if people know a "little bit" of the truth, they don't have a clue what I went through. Not even a clue about the living ****** my life was for several years. That's IN THE PAST. Divorce or not, I have a piece of paper, that's IT. Thank you,