How to I get him to stop talking about "trips" out of state to my three year old?

He did it again. Asked my/our boy - that I've had since I left him when the boy was 8 months old if he'd come to his state, two states away!

I know, I know, I need to finish the divorce. Hire attorney number three. Get this finalized.

A counselor once told me "this is far from over, if he can't manipulate (me) he'll manipulate through the boy..."

So is THIS what she meant? My ex "laughed" at me when I said "THIS IS A DISCUSSION FOR ANOTHER ADULT NOT A THREE YEAR OLD" after he said it on the phone to my boy.

Of course my boy bugged me a few days, and now it'll be more "can I go to (state) to see my daddy..." Of course he can't. He's three years old. His dad was abusive, I don't even let him keep him overnight when he comes to visit anymore.

I've told him this before - he's done it over and over again. Even a few weeks ago when he visited the boy, said right when he was leaving, "why don't you come visit me?"

He knows it gets to me. He knows that my boy going this week to help with family stuff they do every year this time of year isn't possible. I told him that, he laughed, ah, anything is possible.

My mom said once that he's filling my boy's head with "ideas?" Would this be for a child custody evaluation, did some crooked attorney tell him to do this or WHAT? There's always a motive with him it seems.

I have let him come and go seeing the boy every other week, sometimes once a month. An attorney said since he was out of state hurrying a divorce didn't matter, that financially I'd get "more" in the end as I continue I guess to get half of his retirement, etc. And of course he can't really come back to my state and wage a custody war, OR CAN HE?

He's job hunting here again, he's emailing friend that he hopes to be back in the state I'm in by winter. He's about to lose his job so of course it's not all about being close to his boy as he'd rather hang out there taking the easy road at his current job, he even admits it.

This is so exhausting. My dad died, I moved, moved the case, the case went off file within a few months because I didn't proceed and the court wouldn't hold on until I got an attorney hired. So here I go starting from nothing all over again.

What's he up to? How at least can I tell him to STOP CHATTING WITH A THREE YEAR OLD, this is so rediculous. He doesn't talk to me, doesn't even ask me... jeeze.

What he is doing is parental alienation and that's not proper. That can be raised in court but... well... you know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How do I document it? He KNOWS what he's doing doesn't he?

Tape the phone conversations with your son.

And do NOT rise to the bait. Don't respond in any way to this. If it becomes an issue, you can always tell your son he can go, but you'll be right there with him. My guess is your son assumes you (Mommy) will be going with him.

Edited because I just read your other post and I know why you're stalling on the D. You haven't come to terms with the social issues surrounding it.

Yes I asked my son who was saying "I want to go to daddy's" if he didn't want "mommy"? He said NO he wanted MOMMY and he quit talking about going to his daddy's. But he went on and on for a few days - which is I think what my ex wanted so I'd feel bad, guilty, angry, whatever. I called to tell him it was inappropriate and I know he "heard" me but said his cell was out of range. I'm going to start putting the phone on speaker all the time - and I have a small mini recorder and I will record it the next time. I'll also email him so I have that on record that he continues to do this.

Another thing I can do is quit letting my boy talk to him so much. When he calls I put the phone on speaker, hand it immediately to my boy. If he leaves a message I have my boy call him back right away. I'm not legally obligated to have my boy talk on the phone this much with him. Of course I've been warned by other single moms that boys can be angry and blame mom's for taking their dads away as they get older - so I have to show to him he has two parents, and try not to fight in front of him.

The divorce was dismissed because of inaction. I was looking for a new attorney and couldn't even get appointments for two months out. The court didn't even give me enough time, sent me a letter, said we had to proceed. I should have written a letter to the court asking for an extension and I didn't. Something is holding me back, I suppose it's a combination of guilt and anger and memories. Of course it takes two to mess up a marriage, at least I feel like I am wrong in many ways, and he continues to blame all on me.

I need to get on with my life. My business was busy this summer, I decided to put the divorce again on hold until it slowed down, winters are slow for business and this winter I will get through this. I'll get him to sign the paperwork again when he visits next, he can do it willingly rather then be served again. I don't know what's wrong with me, I cry "victim" and do nothing about it. It's sick isn't it. What could it be, I'm pathetic, I'll be the first to admit.

Now he's planning on moving back to my state, he'll be better able to do a custody battle here then two states away. He's the fighting type, of course abandoned his son over a year, didn't see him. How would I even have record of it all? It's gone on so long and I hear judges don't care anyways.

Some judges care, but their duty is to the children. Judges must do what's best for the child. Therefore, if dad's been MIA for a few years, but wants to be part of the child's life, there has to be a reason why it would be really bad. Tape those phone calls! No decent parent invites a 3-year old directly.

I still like my idea. If your STBX invites your boy one more time, say "YES! We'll both be there." I know it's a pain in the tushy, but I bet that will put an end to this nonsense pronto. Besides, if your son went out of state without you, who's to say your husband would send him back to you? Then, you'd have to force his hand and that would take weeks or months.

Of course I've been warned not to let him have my boy out of state. Last summer I did go with my boy so he could spend time at the family farm, it was this time of year. But I already told his mom and him I can't this year, I just traveled for business and we are leaving town two more weeks to a timeshare with my mom. There's no way I can do another trip. Last year I did it just to be blasted by the jerk, imagine driving like that just to be treated like snot? I told him last summer I'd never ever do it again. And then lately he's been shooting off rediculous emails to me blaming and being stupid. So pretty much ****** will freeze over. He can continue to come see the boy here, I don't even let him have him overnights anymore as one weekend at a hotel he came back with bruises and injuries from them being stupid, playing around on beds and stuff. He just doesn't think.

Oh I think the judges will say great, he's moving back to the state. He'll have some story about how he left and I promised to move to be with him, that's what he's told everyone else getting some sympathy I'm sure. He'll have record that he came to see his son more then he did, as the first year he left he was very concerned about checking in on our house for sale, told everyone he was coming to see his boy every other week - all lies. I'm sure he saved his gas receipts etc and it'd be my word against his. Too much time has passed, he has pictures from every trip of him being the wonderful Hollywood father, buying the boy stuff, filling his head with garbage lately about trips to his house. Personally I think judges have too many cases to even try to figure this one out, good thing the abuse was legal, I reported it, it's on his record, he might not even get the hot shot job he's going for - and if it's not a hot shot job I don't think he'll move back here anyways. He told his brother he'd move here job or not, he told another friend he's job hunting and might stay and milk his current job until retirement.

If ONLY he'd find a girlfriend, he's on singles sites 5 years younger then he is. I think he wants to stay in his homestate, he even told someone that he should move back to my state otherwise he needs to "find a new family" in his.. REALLY that's how he put it in an email. Actually someone said I could say he once gave me his password to his email - what better proof then pulling out an email like THAT? Oh, yeah, might move back to be by my son, or might find a "new family" and stay... even the old girlfriend seemed to go away and quit emailing him after that - of course before she was emailing him believing all of his lies.

Oh well, life will go on. God is in control. I need to maintain as much peace in my life as possible. I gotta call the shrink I went to, she said she knew of a quite, gentle older attorney - that's what I need. Last bitc# from ****** I met with drove me away from filing again, some of those divorce attorneys are so sick. Jeeze this is bad enough without one of them twisting it as much as they can to make money...