My friend saw the WS with the OW. I have been sad at home and ashamed at going outside and he is parading around town. I have not been mad since this happened and I am just incredibly sad. He is also trying to be a "jerk" with me and blame the A on me. How do you deal with it if you see the WS with the OW out? I am so hurt and I feel like a fool b/c I want him back. Am I just dum?

Don't let him keep you in hiding. Go our and show you are NOT defeated! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
{{{hugz}}}

L.

Sahmom,

He is making a fool of himself. He just does not realise wht he is doing to you, to his family, to himself and even to the OW. That is being in the fog. Your mate is lost. He is not being himself. Ones his affaire ends he will regret all this.

sahmom,

Read this thread started by Bob Pure. It is long, but you might gain some insight as to one possible outcome of BS inaction.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

Who

Its the fog. And all he care about is himself but yet he got you right where he want you because he doesn't want you to move on without him. He wants you to miss him. And you are not stupid for wanting his man. I asked myself the same question...and when I asked other people they would tell me no but I could tell in there body language and tone that they wanted to say "just leave the jerk." But the people on this sight know exactly what I'm going through and I know what you are going through. I was where you were only weeks ago.

Hunny you gotta get out there. Get out and have fun, it will help keep your mind off of him (if only for 30 seconds), it will make you feel better, the days will go faster, and it will show him something too. Dont date or anything like that, but HE WANTS YOU TO SIT IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY, because he knows you aint doing anything, and if he wanted you he could have you likety-split (and this may be true but demand respect). Once you start getting out there he'll start wondering/thinking about you ....but dont fall into his player ways....be strong. Because he's NOT inquiring about you because he really wants you back, he just doesn't want you to be happy without him. That idea to a WS is unheard of....How dare my BS be happy without me, I'm a catch, my OP (lover) knows this. And if my BS is too good to be with me, then maybe she's worth going back too (but dont fall for it.....he's in fog.)

I want to address something that you might be feeling right about now. I am making this huge assumption, because this is something that I went through, and I sense a similarity in you.

I suspect that one of the things holding you back, is a feeling that you really were a bad wife, you really did mess up, and you deserve the punishment he is giving you. I think the reason you are not standing up for yourself, and denying his outrageous claims about this whole thing being “all your fault” is because somewhere inside yourself, deep down, you believe that he is right. That you brought this on yourself.

If I am wrong in my assumption, then ignore me!
But if I am right, then please allow me to tell you, once again, that this is not your fault.
You were not the perfect wife – no one is. You made mistakes. You suffered from depression for awhile, and perhaps you did not seek treatment. It sounds like there may have been money issues (which is one of the biggest causes of trouble in M – in my opinion)
But none of this makes it ok for him to abandon the wife of his youth. He is shacking up with another mans wife – as I recall, she is the middle of a D, but she is still married right now! And, she was clearly married when your WH “hooked up” with her. So, even if you think that you deserve all of this crap – your WH had no right to take up with another mans wife. He is contributing to the destruction of two marriages, and that is not ok.

SAHMOM – people sometimes suffer from depression. It is an illness. It falls into the category of “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”. The whole foundation of marriage is built on this. The promise that I will stay with you in sickness and health. If you get a massive brain tumor tomorrow, and become completely bedridden for the next 6 months – I will not dump you. If you get into a car accident and become paralyzed – I will not dump you. If you become depressed, and clearly need help, I will not dump you. I will seek help for you. I will not give up on you.

Financial issues – this falls into the ‘for richer or poorer” and “for better or worse”. That is what marriage is all about! It is the commitment to stand by each other – even if you have to live in a 1 bedroom apartment and eat nothing but Ramen noodles. If you find yourself in that situation, ideally you work together to get out of it, and build a better future. But the promise of marriage says “I will not dump you if you become poor” Did you try to control the money? Probably. Did you each have a different view of where the money should be spent? Probably. But that does not automatically mean that you are wrong and he is right. There were a lot of other ways to fix this. Dumping your wife is not on the list of options.

Please listen to everything we are telling you here. Your situation is not unique. It is not different. So listen to those who have walked this path ahead of you. If you continue to sit back and let him treat you like this – your M will be over. He did not fall in love with a woman who sat home crying all day and begging him to come home. He married a woman who made him smile. Someone he enjoyed spending time with. A woman who made him feel good to be around. You have not been that same woman for a long time now. But you can be – for your own sake, for his sake, for your child’s sake.

Get on the phone, start calling people. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. Just call and say ‘I need sometime to talk to. My H left me for another woman, and I am really struggling. Can we get together for a cup of coffee?”

They may have heard a different story from him. Oh well. That is over now. It is time to tell the truth. Get on it. Quit over-thinking everything.

As you have all ready seen, your worry about protecting him from embarrassment is long past. He is not embarrassed right now. He is taking her out in public.

Tell us more about your story – what is holding you back?

deleted

I am going to give you a little tough love here, as a sister.

Fits, he was NOT UNHAPPY THAT WHOLE TIME. That is just his current justification. I promise you that every single BS on these boards has heard that line.

Imagine for just a minute, that your WH started living with the other mans wife, and telling people ‘You know, my W is Ok, we had an ok life, but this OW is great! I have a great life now!”

How many people would tell him that was ok? No one would. Everyone would say “What in the he11 are you doing?” .
So, instead, he has to say “My W was awful!! You have no idea!! I have been unhappy for a long time”

You did not know he was unhappy – that is your first clue. You didn’t see his unhappiness, because he did not show his unhappiness. Why didn’t he show his unhappiness? Because it wasn’t really there! Remember what I told you – my WxH started telling people he was miserable the whole 18 years. After awhile I started remembering too many times when he was laughing, smiling, clearly not miserable. He could not remember the good times – and let me also tell you that there is no point in trying to remind him. He will come up with a lie to counter-act everything you say right now. One thing to always remember – Do not try to educate him. Nothing makes a WH more angry, than having his W try to educate him about A’s, or M. He is learning things on his own right now.

Quit worrying about MC. It is not the magic cure all you hope it would be. First, he is an active A, and whatever the MC says will go in one ear and out the other. Your WH would spend the whole hour going over his own excuses and justifications in his mind. He is a child right now-and as a child, and he is looking for ways to prove that he is right and everyone else is wrong. I have had some good counseling sessions before, and I do believe that a MC can be helpful, but you usually have to try several different ones before you find the right fit. Then you have to go for several weeks before you start to really dig deep. And you will also end up frustrated at one point, when all you ever hear from your H is excuses, and justifications, with no helpful information. It is not a magic cure. It is a long, drawn out process, and honestly – I think it only helps about half the time.

And you also need to know that some counselors are idiots and may event ell you that “your WH is happier with OW so you should let him go”.


in some ways I feel if I let him go (he deserves it) he will lose himself and lose all that everyone loves about him. I feel I need to help him through this. I am trying to hang on but yes WOF you are right about what you wrote and I thank you for your honesty. I hope it sinks in soon- I am very sad. Thank you for being there.

Ok, you do not need to worry about letting him go. He has gone. Of his choice. Your M can still be healed – but for right now – he is gone. So quit worrying that you can do something or say something to save him. He has all ready taken the wrong path. And I think this is the lesson you need to learn: You can not fix him. It is not your job. He is not your child. He has to get himself out of this mess. You can make yourself available when he is ready. And you can work on making yourself the best wife possible. But you can not fix him. I am going to be a little tough here – you are being too controlling. You are trying to control him, in an effort to fix this mess. But this is his own mess to clean up, and the best thing you can do right now is develop and attitude that says “I love him, and I want to build a new M with him. But I can not do it until he gets rid of his A partner”

I know you worry about him – I did to. But he has dug a huge hole for himself, and part of his own healing will involve digging himself out. You cannot do that for him. You can be available when he digs out of it – but you cannot do it for him.

You say that you feel you need to help him through this – I hope you are starting to hear me – he does not want your help! He needs to feel the pain of his A – the horror of what he has done to his family. He needs to know that this is not Ok, and he should never do this again. He will learn that lesson on his own – without your help. So let Go work on him. Meanwhile, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. You have got to get busy healing your own troubles. Why do you think you can “fix” him when you still have your own issues that need fixing?

It is ok to be sad. You have a right to be sad. You lost a baby, and then your H dumped you! You are going to be sad for a long time still. Even if he comes home tomorrow, begging for forgiveness, you will still be sad for a long time. You have been through a major trauma and it will take time. Give yourself the time to heal. Do stuff for yourself.
There will be a lot of lessons that you will learn through this experience. Good lessons that will follow you for life, if you allow yourself to learn them. Don’t try to hurry through them – and quit blaming yourself for your pain. Let yourself work through it.

Have you called anybody yet?

Are you on antidepressants?

My WH has said he was unhappy for so many years, and I'm the cause of all his unhappiness and everything that is wrong in his world is my fault and blah blah blah. I didn't buy it for one minute and you shouldn't either. When he says that crap I just say, "Then I wish you would've left sooner." He's never had a response to that.

I had to laugh at SL:


This is right on. And frankly, this is the sort of thing you need to start doing. I remember saying something similar. One time when I heard the same old "I was miserable for 18 years" I said "then I wish you would have left a long time ago, insted of waiting until I was 40 years old to start all over. That seems very selfish of you - to keep me hanging all of this time when i could have been starting over with a man who truly loved me"

What I would suggest for you: start doing things completely different from the way you have been.After all, what you have done so far has not been working, so what could you do different?