I'm currently doing and saying things that I know I will regret later. I constantly keep brining the A up and telling him stuff about there relationship. It even hurts me that he says he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. Why even bother continue to stay at the house if he feels this way? He is just wasting both my time and his. How do I know that he really wants to try? I want to stop calling her,bringing her up in our every day conversations, but I just can't. We sleep in separete rooms and yesterday I asked him to sleep with our son and I. He said he would but only for my son, why even say those comments. I know both of us are hurt at this moment, but I feel as if we are not trying hard enough. He has begun to show more affection-he will come over and hug me more and give me more compliments. When he does that I feel he is doing it just out of pitty. What do I do?

First, he needs to quit his job and get another one so that he has no contact with her. Until he does that, you will continue having problems. Just assume the affair is continuing as long as they work together.

How was he as a husband before the affair?

Before the affair, he was caring, loving husband. He was always there for me, taking care of my needs, being great at all times. (Very few negative complaints). Now, he is totally the opposite. He has never wanted to leave that job(even before she came to work there), especially right now that we are having financial problems. He has tried looking for other jobs--has placed several applications but nothing. I believe the work place knows already because he is now working the morning shift and she is working the night shift. I know I have a lot to work on but I just don't know where to begin.

Calibabeus,

Have you exposed to his family, yours, OW's and verified that his employer knows?

Who

He cannot work there. It NEVER works out for the marriage if they work together.

Cali,

Your question is "How can I control Myself/Anger".

Are you thinking of him as purposely doing this to hurt you and drive you nutso?

If you thought of him as an addicted person that must have his fix and gets irritable, saying hurtful and stupid things to you when he is withdrawing from the drug, would you be able to restrain your anger and show him that this addiction is not better than living in reality with you?

I know this is a big order, but PLAN A is meant exactly for this type of sitch. Some BSs want to plan A but the WS is not at home.

And HE IS ADDICTED!! You must show him, through plan A, that you are the best thing for him.

Now since the OW is still at work, you must expose to the boss and HR or whoever is in authority. Maybe they can give the OW the boot!

Is the OW married? Have a boyfriend? Expose!!

""When he does that I feel he is doing it just out of pitty. What do I do?""

DON'T THINK THIS WAY!! You have got to PLAN A your A$$ off and make him see that his life with you is so totally better than with anyone else. Give double that affection back to him! And more! I know it is hard and counter intuitive, but this is one of the MB principals that has been proven time and time again.

""It even hurts me that he says he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. ""

Of course this hurts!! But it is the same script directly out of the wayward spouses handbook. It is FOGBABBLE! He is in DEEP FOG because of the addiction. An alien has taken over your husbands body right now. You must force that alien out with the plan A and the exposure. The Carrot and the Stick!

Please read up on all the literature on this site.

Stay strong and AS CALM AS YOU CAN!

Some anti-depressants will help you with the anger.

You will get through this.

kirk

If he won't leave the job, this will be hopeless. That is about like expecting an alcoholic to sober up while he still drinks. That is an impossible expectation.

Cali,

Like everyone else who has responded to your posts, I sympathise and understand what you are going through. This experience is very difficult to deal with and the emotions engendered by it seem to prevent otherwise reasonable people from responding sensibly.

You were given some excellent advice in your other thread. Have you followed any of it? In particular, have you read any of the books recommended to you?

How can I control myself/anger?

Realise that when you treat yourself to a dose of anger or throw the A in his face, you are pushing him away. If you want your marriage to end, just keep on doing it. There is no more effective way.

I found the chapter on Angry Outbursts in Love Busters very useful. It helped me understand the consequences more fully.

As someone here advised me, start trying to see your husband as some sort of alien with purple frogs coming out of his mouth. Whatever he says is just garbage so just don't respond to it. Another way is to just think of them as sick.

I also tried to work out what sort of things my WS said that triggered my anger. I then prepared alternative responses. As soon as relationship talk starts, I remind myself that she's sick and very quickly have a mental rehearsal of how I'm going to respond when she says something that is likely to trigger the reaction. I also remind myself of the negative consequence of the anger. This combination seems to work for me so far.

It even hurts me that he says he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. Why even bother continue to stay at the house if he feels this way?

Stop trying to apply logic to your WH's actions. Realise that your WH has gone temporarily insane. He's struggling with his emotions and logic does not play any part in this. He's still there because part of him does not want to lose your relationship.

How do I know that he really wants to try?

He doesn't yet. Don't expect anything from him for a while.

What do I do?

Follow the advice given to you here and on your other thread. In particular study Surviving An Affair and apply it to your situation. Come here for advice on anything you don't understand. Save your anger for here.

I agree with the other respondents. Unless your WH or the OW quits their job, your marriage is doomed. The issue is how you most effectively make that happen.

I've already sent a letter to HR Dept. at there work. How do I know that something has been done about it? What else can I do expose? It is true that unless one of them leaves, the marriage will not begin to work....so do I even bother to try? I have so much anger in me and as soon as he walks through the door, I let it out, especially when I ask him stuff and he answers with lies. When will I begin seeing any changes, if any? How do I know that I'm losing him and he is on the edge of leaving? The times that we have gone to counseling, he has stated how much he wishes I did more house chores around the house and how he wishes I would cook more for him. I have done so this past couple of days, hopefully that makes a small difference. This is the first time that we have gone to counseling. When the A was first exposed, I was willing to go but not him. He has been very interested in the sessions and participates fully in them. I don't know how to take this----as a small starting point or just going along with the flow to see what happens. I asked him to sleep with my son and I last night, but he said no. Does he think that by sleeping in the same room, he is giving me hope? How do I find out what his EN's are? So many questions, sorry.

you really need to read dr. harley's surviving an affair book. you will learn a lot and feel more in control. when you feel more in control, that should help with the angry outbursts. there is hope for you and your marriage, it is good your husband is still at home with you for example. the more you bring up the A, the more you may be pushing your husband away.

Cali,

""I have so much anger in me and as soon as he walks through the door, I let it out, especially when I ask him stuff and he answers with lies.""

NO NO, NOT GOOD!!

What would happen if he walked in the door and you threw your arms around him and gave him a big wet kiss and asked him how his day was?

What would happen if you did not bring up the A or anything related to it for a day? Or two days??

And let me tell you, if I had you screaming in my face the moment I entered the door asking me all kinds of questions I would probably lie to you too, out of fear!!

The only way you are going to get any of your questions answered is to ask them in a cool and calm manner and then STAY CALM when he gives you the answers. Maybe at the counseler's?

You must read up on plan A. I don't think you are reading any of the other links on this site.

Even as I type this, just to the left of the "post box" is a box with a reddish border that says "Most Popular Links" and the 8th star down is *The emotional needs questionnaire. So click on that and print out the questionnaire.

""It is true that unless one of them leaves, the marriage will not begin to work....so do I even bother to try?""

The problem being that if they still work at the same place, they continue to see each other and still have contact.

You said that he is on the day shift and she is on the night shift. Does that mean they still see each other? Is there another shift between the day and the night shift?

""What else can I do expose?""

I'm sorry, but I can not remember if OW is married. Is she?

If so expose to her H. To her folks. Anyone that could be an influence on her.

You must control your anger and your outbursts. This is not wooing him back, agreed?

kirk

What would happen if he walked in the door and you threw your arms around him and gave him a big wet kiss and asked him how his day was?

What would happen if you did not bring up the A or anything related to it for a day? Or two days??

And let me tell you, if I had you screaming in my face the moment I entered the door asking me all kinds of questions I would probably lie to you too, out of fear!!

Krusht, you are so right. I have been doing good with Plan A but it seems the all the pain that i push away, after a few days get released...afterall WH is the one at fault. But you hit it on the money with that statement. Maybe I should print it out and put it someone it can remind me.

She is not married, but has dated other married men before....I believe her family is okay with it because they accept my H at there house, along with our child. My H works the morning shift and she works the night shift, however, my concern is the time in between the two shifts....Outside of work, where they see each other. I think someone inside the work place already complained about it because they used to work the same shifts together. My H loves going out---however, not with me. I think its because he doesn't want to be seen with me and our son for fear that the OW will see us together. Don't know what my H is telling her, maybe that he will be leaving us soon-or that he is only at the house because of our child. He is afraid that once he leaves or I leave, he will never see his child again. He says he asks himself the same question "am I still here only becuase of our child?". He continues to insist that they are not seeing each other anymore-but how can I believe that when there has been no intimacy in the past 2 months---or even sleep in the same room. His response to that is he is not ready....When will he ever be? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

You are getting very good replies, but I get the impression you are not listening.

While in PLan A, you EXPECT that there will be contact. Do not confuse Plan A with recovery.

You have a Plan to follow, but you are not following it.

Read up on Plan A, and on His Need's/Her Need's, as well as love busters and DJ's, as the others have said.

I have a couple of further comments on what you have posted -



Why are you not sleeping alone with your husband? Why would your husband be tempted to share a bed with you when your son is in it? How is that going to bring intimacy back into your R? And I don't mean SF, because of sexually transmitted disease, but I mean intimacy by being alone together as man and woman.



What needs, if any, were you meeting of his before the affair?

You have identified that cleaning the house and cooking were two that you were not meeting but have started a couple of days ago.

What others?

Try to remember if adoration was something that made him feel good. Affection? SF? Conversation.

Try to remember what made him happy when you did it, and then start doing them again.

Edited to strike the SF out of the equation, as I personally do not believe it is good for a woman to sleep with a man who is in all likelihood sleeping with another woman...however there are some on this board who did not meet that need before the affair and felt that SF was the only way to show their WS that they loved them in that way and was their WS's biggest complaint. Personal call.

When my son was born, my husband immediately brought our son to sleep in between us and has done so until this date. I believe it was a way of pushing me away from him---or so he wouldn't feel guilty of what he was doing to both our son and I. I guess I can't start implementing plan A for the fact that he has caused so much pain to me. I just found out he uses our son to get closer to her. They take my son out when they go out together because the OW loves our son so much-she trets him as if he were her own. In regards to SF, we haven't been intimate as even being close together (husband/wife). He is not completely detached from his guilt so that is what is causing him to not sit in bed with me and just watch tv together. In the past year, we have probably been intimate around 3 times, most of it was because I was pregnant during that time. I feel as if he finds refuge in our son because he dedicates 90% of the time he spends at our home with our son. I know he is not being himself because of all the remarks he gives me, I try VERY HARD to ignore them, but some times I just can't hold back. How can start to implement plan A? I have been reading about it, but don't know where to begin, any advise.

Is your son an infant?

Make sure that he is not to be subjected to OW again. Let your husband know you will get legal help to enforce this rule, if you have to.

As far a beginning Plan A. I know how painful this is to you, and how hard it is to swallow the pain and your pride. But you must implement Plan A until you have shown your WH you are a better choice than the OW. You must do it long enough to create doubt in his mind about his fantasy with the OW. You must attract him back by meeting as many of his needs as he will let you, and by showing him that you have self-respect at the same time. Lack of self-respect is extremely unattractive (ie yelling, begging, pleading, calling names, making threats, etc).

Reread this thread and take in every word every one has given you. They have all given you the advice you need, the steps to take and the books to read.

And keep asking questions and reading. NO MORE lovebusters from you. Stop these immediately. Speak calmly, softly, gently... especially when setting your rule about your son being with the OW.

I'm going to try all that and see what happens....I guess I'm lacking a very important ingredient "PATIENCE". I feel that if I put all my effort into doing Plan A and it doesn't work---I'm going to get disappointed and end up worse than where I'm currently at right now. I just don't want to get hurt again, not again and especially not this way.

3 questions that have been driving me crazy, can anyone help?

***He comes over to me and cuddles with me, hugging me and caressing me. Once I begin to respond to this affections, he rejects me and leaves my side. why is that? He doesn't want me to show him affection.

***When I go by his side, I begin telling him nice and loving words to him. As soon as I start to do that, he covers his face. Is it because he can't look me in the eyes and respond to what I'm saying? is it because he feels guilty that two women are telling him stuff?

***I'm being extremely nice to him, following plan A. What happens if she is being extremely nice as well to him? He is just going to stand in the middle between us and stay in the comfortable zone. He is never going to decide. Can that happen? If it does, what do I do?

I couldn't sleep last night cause these unanswered questions were circling my mind all through the night. Can someone help? Thanksssssssssssssss a million!

OK...have you exposed the affair to your/his family, friends, co-workers? Have you gone to them, explained that he's in an affair, and that you're fighting to save your marriage because you love him and want to fix your relationship? Asked them to help you by talking with WH, by not 'going along with' the affair?

I saw one mention of a letter to HR, but nothing else in your posts about these other exposure targets.

You do BOTH parts of plan A...expose, and work to meet his emotional needs. Do them BOTH...at the same time.

Have you started dressing nicer, making sure the house is clean when he comes home, wore perfume that you know he likes? Have you taken a look at the emotional needs questionairre on this site, and filled it out from your H's perspective, so that you can start identifying and meeting his top emotional needs?

This is ALL part of plan A...which is what you need to be doing right now. Have you read the sidebar material on this site to get an idea on what that is?

[color:"blue"]"Obstacles are those scary things you see when you take your eyes off of the goal" [/color]

Cali,

WS's act in predictable ways, that is why there is a plan A that is universally the same for all BS's dealing with an affair. You need to focus on your Plan A and stop letting your mind get in your way. You can be your own worst enemy if you allow it.

Do the best Plan A you can, complete with exposure and allow the Plan to work without you questioning it constantly. This is the purpose of having a plan to focus on and you must do it consistantly and long enough to gage it's effectiveness.