I have been lurking on MB and really like it. I finally gathered the courage to get on here on talk.I am married to a wonderful man and have a child. What initially got me to lurk around was back in 2005 I found myself attracted to another man. I never told the guy I was attracted to him and never did anything with him. A few months later (Jan 2006) our family moved to another state (my husband had got a better job). From Jan 2006 until April 2006, I still talked to this other man over the phone. My husband wasn't aware that I was attracted to this guy, he didn't even know I was talking to this other guy on the phone. I will admit that I started having dreams of being with this other guy and it was kind of scary. One day out of blue the guy called in May 2006, my husband answered my phone. Eventually that night I confessed to my husband that I had feelings for this other guy and my husband was crushed. We started MC last fall and IC for myself. I just starting to understand what may have attracted to me to this other guy. See I was an OC and had no father figure in my life. I grew up poor and was teased most of my childhood. I was sexually abused at a young age by my cousin. As you can guess my self esteem for most of my life has been in the toliet. My husband on the other hand grew up with married loving parents in an upper middle class environment and a basically normal childhood. When I first met my husband I never fully understood why he was attracted to me. He knew I was an OC, but didn't know that I was molested by my cousin. It took IC for me to tell my husband or anybody else for that matter. The other guy had been arrested, been on drugs, from a broken home, and was a high school dropout. I am working on my self esteem slowly but surely.

My question for WS how much did self esteem contribute to your A? (BS can answer this question also)

If this question offends anyone I am sorry just trying to get a better understanding of why I was attracted to such a low life when I have such a wonderful husband.

I have never had an affair, but I have had thoughts and feelings that I was uncomfortable with. See, when you are married you get into a routine, take each other for granted, etc. Suddenly, I had someone at my job who constantly commented on how great I did this or that, how great I looked and things like that. Once I showed up while off to get something and was in a skirt (dressed to go out with friends) and his mouth almost dropped. Things my husband had stopped doing. I cant say I had a low self esteem, but someone showing me attention like that really did excite me. I never acted on it. Whats more pathetic is this guy KNEW VERY WELL I was married....but didnt care. He still acts like this towards me, although I pay him no mind now. What I would give to feel that way about my husband again, and him about me.

The real question isn't "...how much did self esteem contribute to your A?"

The real question is...why did you let it control your decision making process enough to let things go as far as you did?

Realize that your behavior was YOUR CHOICE. You ACTIVELY chose to do what you did, and hide it from your husband. The question is, why did you let that happen? And I guess the REAL REAL question is...what are you going to do to make sure that it never happens again?

People with excellent self-esteem also stray. It's not the answer to why you did what you did.

Be grateful for a chance to mend your marriage. The Harley site has wonderful tools. Read up on the 15 hours a week spent together, without watching the TV, just doing something you both enjoy together.

You have hurt your husband profoundly. It could however be much worse. He caught you. Thank God. You have a chance to work and repair your marriage.

Don't look for psychobabble answers to why you cheated. You gave in to a weakness we all have. Lived a fantasy life. Behave as if you loved your husband more than life itself. Soon you will have those feelings again. Don't take your marriage for granted.

This is an opportunity to rebuild. Take it.