I realise this is super long and want to thank you in advance for taking the time to read it all.
I am new here but have read for days and nights different posts and threads in the forum. and have read the basic concept, the Q&A as well as articles, but still find myself confused about my situation. I hope somebody can help me. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. Just for the background info, he has 2 teenage sons who live with him 100% of the time, and I have 1 teenage son who also lives with me 100% of the time. We do not live together yet, my BF and I, and this is another major issue because we cannot resolve the problem of where we will live, but this I can deal with in another post in the future.

We live in 2 different cities 30 minutes apart. We usually see each other on the weekends, but when we don't, we talk on the phone every night to talk about our days, and sometimes personal and relationship issues. Now for the last year at least, we have been fighting about anything and everything, at first every week almost, now, every week at least.The fights have become more and more vicious, verbally abusive, accusative on each side, demanding. We have seen, at my BF's request, a couple counsellor 1.5 years ago, who has identify my BF with having the major issues that cause the fighting (mainly trust which he recognised I do nothing that makes him doubt him, it comes from his past relationships). Funny because he had kept accusing me of not trusting him which is what brought us to counselling in the first place! Still, even with this info, no major change when we were done with counselling. One year later, I went to see a different counsellor for myself because I was wanting to know what I could do to resolve the fighting issue. I obviously help making it a fighting match, how can I stop it, what can I do or say (or not) to prevent the fights. The C gave me tips to help but it is very difficult to apply, but I managed to stop defending myself and it made some positive results but not for long, as it stopped working after a while. It took no time for the vicious fights to come back on track. It seems that my BF needs to fight, and will push and push and push with sarcasm, DJ, AO, AH, D, to the point of no return, even if I hung up the phone, tell him to stop, agree with him, see his point, don't become defensive. But he won't stop and then I start defending myself constantly. I even started to be disrespectful myself and hate it because this is not me. Towards the end of the C period, after about 1 month, my BF joined me at my request. The first time, he stormed out in the middle of the counselling session, very angry, leaving both the C and I in shock. The counsellor told me that my BF seems to have the intention, the concept and the willingness to make our relationship better, but not the capacity. The second time which is also the last time we went, the counsellor told us that it might be time to say good bye and leave this relationship since we are not able to make a stop to those constant fighting match. When we left, I felt devastated. My BF tried to convince me to not break up. He said he did not come to counselling to have the C tell us to separate. We discussed for about 10 minutes in my car, then he got angry again (sorry I cannot remember why) punched the inside of my car, giving me my keys back (he has the keys to my apart) then left. I was done with this relationship. But he kept phoning me, begging me, telling me he never broke up with me. He succeeded to convince me that we can make it better, by telling me what he needs to change. That was last January.

Since then, the fights have not stopped but I love him so much that the thought of breaking up hurts too much and feel I would make a big mistake in breaking up with him. I gave myself until the end of June that just past to see if things got better otherwise I decided I would leave him then. That was giving us a chance over a period of about 3 months. I would rather be alone than fighting for the next 30 years with him. It did not go better, the fights continued every week, with viciousness and ferocity. The end of June came, and when we fought, I stopped all communication with him, but he would not stop trying to get me into talking with him. I sent him a long email telling him that I love him more than he can think of (which he tells me the same by the way) but my dreams of marrying him would have to remain just that, a dream, because I see no change on either side, to make our relationship go smoothly. He is very persistent in convincing me to not break up even when he has given me my keys back several times before (breaking up), I did too BTW, I am not implying I am innocent. So we tried again to make it work. I am very clear in my expectations in this relationship, let him know what I wanted and he told me he can make a big difference and change.

We went on our planned camping trip. He did make one change while camping, except that we fought 3 times in 10 days! First time was about him imagining I was thinking about my xBF that I haven't seen or talked to in 25 yrs! The second fight was about him making demands of me that he is unable to give himself. He has done that forever it seems, pointing fingers at me or my son (and others BTW), accusing me of this or that when he is the one who fits the descriptions. The last fight was so bad, and done in front of my child. His sons did not want to come with us, his youngest went to his mom in another province for the summer, his oldest is 18.5 and was working. My son did not want to come because he knew we would fight and had no interest in witnessing that, but I could not leave him alone, so he was the only child with us. My son has had enough of these fights that he has witnessed for over 2 years and is quite stressed out about them, understandably. My BF left me that last day of camping while we were droping off his camping stuff at his place and his oldest witnessed the fight went he came down to help out. My BF did not stop being verbally abusive in front of the kids, and told me he would come to my apart the next day to pick up his stuff here and to give me my keys. He did. To me, that was a break up. It hurt, but I promised my son that I would never fight anymore and have him witness that.

For the following 9 days, my BF sent me constant emails and text messages and phone calls, but I would not pick up nor answer by the way. I gave up after 9 days, when he wrote let's talk or say good bye in a civilise manner. So I met with him, to say good bye, we ended up talking and I told him that he has an anger problem and never will I ever fight viciously again, especially not in front of the kids. I said I had no hope that we could make it, that we have tried everything, we have discussed at lenght after every fights and seemed to understand what changes need to be made on each part, that we say beautiful promis to each other, that every talk seem very positive, but shortly after, we are back to our same old vicious circle. I had absolutely no hope. He wanted to try one more time, and he convinced me once again. So I told him that we can try, but we won't see each other in front of the kids in case we fight again, which would be extremely probable, and he had to see a counsellor for his anger problem, and he did. I said until we prove that we can fight without turning it into abuse. He hated to only see me like we did in the beginning (dating phase only), but did it for a few days. He convinced me after a few days of re-dating, to sleep over at my place, that this was not a relationship, that he is 45 and past the dating stage, etc. I actually missed him a lot too. I accepted to see him like before. We did wonderful for a bit more than 2 weeks. Our longest time ever! We still fought, but he remained calm and we decided that we do not have to agree on every issue, but give each other understanding. The fights were very controlled, we discussed calmly, reached an agreement that we do not have to agree on everything, and were both happy with this. When he started to hurt me with his comments or otherwise (he has never being physically abusive BTW) I only had to ask if he was trying to hurt me for him to realise he was falling down that path and he stopped. Those 2 weeks gave me so much hope that we can finally make it, that we got out of this vicious circle. Until last Wednesday.

Like I said, he phones me every day during the week if we did not see each other. But once our usual evening phone call is over, I had never phoned him back the same evening or emailed him for the 2.5 years we are together. We say good night and talk again the next day. Except 3 times the last 2 weeks. Here is what happened. One evening 2 weeks ago, I sent him an email with a question after we finished our call, he did not answer it until the next morning. He was supposed to be watching a movie at home with his son. His excuse for not answering my email was that he turned off his computer. But he never turns off his computer. he admits it looks bad, but his reason seemed good, he has a virus and had to turn off his computer. One evening last week, after we talked on the phone, I phoned him 4 times on his home # and cell # but he did not pick up. I left messages the 4 times to please call me, but he never did. I sent him an email that same evening telling him that I phoned and want to talk to him, but he did not answer the email either until the next morning. I became suspicious, thought he was cheating on me, or out, or something. I thought he would read my email, or hear his phone beeping signaling he has messages. There was no way he could not hear his cell as it does beep every so minutes until you stop the beeps. I confronted him the next day after his work, he remained calm (WOW) but he was so convincing of the reason he did not phone or email me, that I decided to believe him. He said he had talked to his 2 sons that day, and to me, so he did not expect any phone calls (I never phone after we talk remember?). He said he went to bed about half hour after we hung up the phone at 7pm, turned off his cell sound, and took a sleeping pill. He never goes to bed until 1am usually, and he never turns the cell sound off. I was still suspicious, but had no proof of anything, so I decided to believe him in both instances (the email the week before and the calls and email that week),but it happened a 3rd time Tuesday night. We have been emailing each other for some reason that evening, and by 9:20, the email stopped from his side even though I sent him more with questions. When I asked him why he did not answer my emails until the next morning, what did he do last night, he ridiculed me, told me he has a web cam in his bedroom, that I can spy on him all night if I want, that I don't trust him, that he doesn't have to stay by his phone or computer just in case I contact him, but never told me what he did the night before.The fight escalated again with his usual self, sarcasm, accusations, turning the conversation around, making it my problem, nasty comment such as shut up, etc, avoiding to answer the question of his activities or whereabouts. I still don't know anything about where he was or what he did after 9:20 that evening. I am afraid he is having an affair, or one night stands, or out with somebody. I feel he has a double life, one where he is a complete stranger to me. I don't know what he does after we talk in the evening, which usually is done by 9:00 pm at the latest. I very very rarely ask him what he did after we talk, as I try to be trustful, and when I did ask, he got upset or told me he does nothing. Same when he takes time off work for a day here and there, he apparently stay at home doing nothing. I confronted him on that one too and he accuse me of not trusting him.

Since Tuesday last week, we have only communicated by email and I just have no more energy to meet and talk for hours which we usually do when we "solve" issues. Instead, I wrote emails with issues I wanted answers to, but he avoided answering most of the issues I brought up, by being accusative, by confusing everything, by "pretending" he does not know or he told me already, or whatever, he is full of excuses in my eyes. I am now very angry at him, I am exhausted, but want to know if I am making a big deal out of nothing. I have no proof of him cheating on me, but it is kind of difficult to check on him since we do not live together, and he said I can ask him about his whereabouts anytime, that I have the right to know all about it, but when I ask, he gets angry, avoid answering, gets mean, etc. but does not answer my questions about his whereabouts. I challenged him Wednesday by email by saying that this is fine, he wants it his way, no questions whatsoever about his whereabouts, no disturbing him with calls, emails or textmessages outside the allotted time on the phone (which is usually done by 8h30), that he can be free when we are not together, etc. but this is going to be the same for me. I gave him a bit of his own medicine and he did not like it, of course. He wrote that he needs to trust that I am not seeing somebody else and needs to be trusted. How can a relationship work if we don't know about each other's whereabouts, if we give blind trust without questions. He is a great person when we don't fight, we love being together, he shows understanding, we have lenghtly conversation, some very deep and serious conversation, we want to get married, live together, and my needs at every level are filled so are his he says. What should I do, is this worth saving, is it time to say goodbye definitely? I should mention that I am very confused about what we fight about, because one minute I say or do something and it is perfectly fine, one other minute, I say or do the exact same thing and it starts a fight. He knows about this too. Also, he asks of me to say or do what he does not deliver himself. He points finger at me, he accuse me of what he does himself, sometimes things I don't even do myself. I cannot take it anymore. I feel confused, will I make the biggest mistake of my life if I break up with him, should I try harder to make things work, hoping he is going to be so happy with me and see how great of a partner I am. Will he finaly make the necessary change once and for all, to make this relationship work?

"Will he finaly make the necessary change once and for all, to make this relationship work?

No.

If he cannot control his anger, and it is OBVIOUS he cannot, he is most definitely NOT "marriage material."

Minou, there are a lot of people who are "nice" and "all that I dream about" when they are SOBER. Your BF's addiction to the "anger response" and his belief that it is his RIGHT to react in anger anytime he "feels like it" is very indicative of a "ME centric" world. With that level of selfishness you would be asking for a lifetime of continuing verbal and emotional abuse. With the sort of uncontrollable anger response to ANYTHING he perceives as being "offensive" to him, validly or invalidly, it would only be a matter of time and circumstance for the anger to trigger the physical "hit" response.

Run, don't walk. Yes it will be hard for a while because you are "needy" of him, of someone to show you affection and that you are wanted. But it is TIME that you let your REASON direct your heart. You have already exposed your son to a very BAD male role model, now you need to teach your son that NO MAN treats a woman, or anyone for that matter, the way this person has been treating you. LEAVE.

The BF will beg and plead for you to return. He will promise all sorts of things, including "I will change." That is NOT going to happen. And you know it.

It IS your life, and if you want to be a verbal and emotional punching bag for the rest of your life, nothing we could advise you will change that. This man is so totally self-absorbed that he justifies in his mind that his FEELINGS are all that matter. Nevermind anyone else. That's NOT love.

In reality, he is extremely insecure and wants to dominate as a means to compensate.

What he NEEDS is professional help, but it's unlikely he will ever seek that help as long as you keep validating his lies. He will never see that he NEEDS real help if he is ever to get control of his self-destructive behaviors, especially the "free rein" he gives to his anger.

If you ever were to marry this man, I can virtually guarantee that it would take little time for your marriage to become a prison, and you the prisoner. He would be intensely jealous of anything, especially of friendships or male acquaintances. He would react violently and be constantly suspicious, even when there was no reason to be suspicious of anything.

I don't know why he is not married, but I strongly suspect he behaved that same way with his former wife. If you know who she is, it would be a good idea to call her and ask her about their former relationship.

Save yourself and save your son. Do it now.

God bless.

ForeverHers
You hit the nail, several times. He is pleading me again, and I feel the urge to contact him, even if it is to say that I don't believe his words anymore, but he is very persistent and convincing. And honestly, I do love this man, he is soooo great at every level otherwise. My needs are being filled like no man has ever been able to before, and he tells me the same coming from me.
He is currently in counselling for his anger, even if at my request, he does recognise he has an anger problem. He is working hard on this one and I could see it during the 2 weeks where it was great even during the fights without anger or abuse from him. So I know he can, he is able to. But for how long?
He is very insecure and so jealous, I must admit I am insecure myself, but that does not validate his outburts i know.
To answer your question about his previous relationship. He was married for 20 years and apparently she abused him verbally and physically as well at times. After 18 years of marriage, she cheated on him with one of his friends. The 3 of them worked at the same place but he trusted his wife completely blindly. He left her, got divorced, and he got full custody of his kids. She later married the OM. This OM was also married at the time of the A, and he divorced as well. I have read some emails coming from her to him, and she seems very aggressive, but of course, I am not stupid, he probably only showed me the angry emails.

What needs can he be possibly filling for you that can compensate for his constant abusive behavior? This is a serious not a rhetorical question.

You seem to think that keeping the constant arguments away from your son while you are dating is some sort of solution. This man is behaving in wildly inappropriate *dangerous* ways with you. Do you want a future where your son will never come around your home because you've married this guy? Do you want a future where your son may feel compelled to protect you against him impacting his future?

I would suggest that you maintain "radio silence" with him for at least 3 months. No phone calls, no dates, no emails - give yourself an opportunity to look at this without the fog and drama in which you are enveloped and from which you are making continuous bad choices.

graplin, thank you for what you wrote:

"Do you want a future where your son will never come around your home because you've married this guy? Do you want a future where your son may feel compelled to protect you against him impacting his future?"

For me, my son do come first, before I can even consider my feelings for my BF. He is the most precious person in my life, and I would never be able to live guiltfree, knowing that I hurt him by staying in a unhealthy relationship. I need to make a decision that involves the happiness of my son, now, and for the rest of his life with me. You are right. The future you describe is quite scary, and sad, and not at all what I envision, because my son counts more than anybody else for me, even myself.