We have dated for over two years. I never really talked about commitment cause we saw each other every day. I guess I just assumed it. I finally sold my house that was too big for just me and moved in with her. Anyway on our 3 year aniversity we committed our lives to each other and all was wonderful. We set a date for our wedding which is just days away.

I found out that last week she had a weak moment with her X-husband who had to come over to her house to get something. They were together/married for over 25 years. They ended up having a last whatever you want to call it (fling). Is this a sign she will cheat on me in the future or was it just closing the book on an old part of her life.

She did admit that her and her-X did have some encounters right during the start of our dating. But back then for 6 months she has very up front with me and told me she would never marry again and want to just date.

But love did change her and she has been very faithful to me for these last 6 months since we got engagged. Advice anyone? Should I run or should I stay? If it was anyone but the X I would be gone for sure.

But I do remember when I got divorced I wanted to see if anything was left for my X-wife one last time after we both started seeing other people after we seperated. At that time I was not seeing anyone nor her. But is this the same thing? I know that some people or weaker than others and this man did have a way of control over her. They have been seperated/divorced for almost 5 years.

What do you all think?

Run. She will do this again with X

At a minimum, hold off the wedding indefinitely. If you think this is expensive, try untangling marriage assets.

What she did was unconsionable (sp?). There is no "controlling" by her ex, it is her own lack of will-power. Pathetic, for her to imply it was "out of her control". This is extremely suspicious, even for "last minute jitters". Were it myself, I'd call it off, forever. Being that it isn't me, I'd recommend you test the waters with her: how does she feel about no contact with her ex, ever again? Do you think you can honestly enter this M with trust? B/c you will feel some purportion of blame if this happens to you again. What were her reasons for her "fling"? What assurances does she give for you to trust her again?

Really, were it me, I'd be done.

If she had a "weak moment" with her XH in the "honeymoom" (first 3 years) phase of your relationship, I think you'll like find her having many such "weak moments" after the honeymoom phase has ended. Listen, I got married to someone who cheated on me prior to M. It took her 12 years, but then she cheated again, and it was much worse this time. Walk away.

BTW - why did she and her XH split up? Let me guess: infidelity?

"Run, Forrest!"

Hold off on the wedding at least. Even if it will cost you some money, it is worth it. Being engaged is a test period for marriage. She flunked.

Just for clarification, was she separated or actually divorced when you two met?

Blueskier,

Well, first of all she has had sex with him more than once since you two started dating. The last time just happened to be before you two were to be married. My thinking is that she has cold feet and is making you the guy to call it off, rather than her.

Do her a favor and call it off. Neither of you should marry under these circumstances. You both have to work through this before any idea of marriage should be considered. If she really wants to continue to sleep with her X, which she has been doing, then let her, but don't be part of it.

I know this advice seems hard to take so close to your wedding, but postpone the wedding, seek counseling and see if things can be addressed. She is bringing more baggage to this union than YOU can or should carry. Until she sets some it down, this is a no go. OR to quote a previous poster...RUN FORREST RUN.

Hope this is of some help.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Let me put this another way. Although you both have been married before, your wedding day should still be a very very special day. A day filled with joy, hope, and good spirit. I see no model under which such a thing could happen right now.

Bring,

Given the dates mentioned she was divorce when they started dating.

JL

JL,

Good point, but he did say "separated/divorced" with no mention of when the actual divorce took place. Semantics?

We both had been seperated 2+ years but not divorced. I didn't push my divorce to help by X keep my health ins. until she was on her feet.

A little more detail of the event that cause the fling. It was not planned in any manner. To be quite honest my finance had a boob job after she got divorced. Anyway when her X-husband was at the house alone with her out of curiosity he wanted to see them. I think from a medical point and in a non-sexual way said ok. This man knew what she had and she allowed him to see the results. I don't even think she thought it would have turn out creating a weak moment. We all know in life if you have a problem eating too many cookies, then don't buy them at the store so you won't be tempted.

Even for the last several years, her and her-X have very little contact. She has no love for him now. He was a verbal abuser and other things. This in no way is her fighting to be with him. I know she loves me dearly and is hurting alot right now knowing what she may/maynot lose. Even only days from the wedding. I told her about delaying the wedding and she wants to go ahead with it.

I hope this helps a little with the detail.

THanks for the clarification BlueS.

Lets recap.

Fiance betrayed your trust and had MULTIPLE affairs while you were a "committed" couple.

Through the grace of God you found out it time.

I would RUN, not walk away from this one!

DO NOT MARRY THE WOMAN!

At least get to counseling and work on things before you do something stupid and marry a woman who cheated on you just days earlier. Postpone the wedding. If there are no consequences for her cheating on you, then she'll just do it again.

She was dated/married this man for 25+ years and brags and is proud of the fact that she NEVER cheated on him. My divorce ended when my X had her 4th affair. But after our divorce we both had a bad taste in our mouths for marriage/commitment and the whole thing. So yes for over a year we dated but would not commit to each other. We just couldn't do it. We were not ready. What happened back then we don't care about.

The real question is what happened a result of the fact she would no longer be a single woman again or something she may repeat. I know that if it was a new/different man or an X boyfriend it would have been a whole different manner for me.

I know that her X will never come around again without the kids with him, etc. He knows he was caught and for his/her kids sake doesn't want to hurt them with what happened.

She has sugested counseling for us. Remember this was not a planned event. She just didn't say NO enough times and kick him out (like she has in the past). He has tried many times before and didn't get any. I think with her getting married she gave one last time for his sake. I know it is WRONG VERY WRONG but that is the way I see it.

I suggest that you listen VERY carefully at this point. Do not, DO NOT, provide rationalizations and excuses for your GF's behaviour. I did the same for my GF when she cheated on me prior to us getting M'd. I subsequently found out that almost all of the excuses and rationalizations that I made up in my head were false.

Her XH KNEW what he was doing. Your GF KNEW what she was doing. They CHOSE to do it anyway. Do you really think it happened just because she wanted to show him her boob job and things went too far? Oh good grief man...



I take it then that the XH's children, W(?) don't know about what happened? Are you playing a part in that conspiracy of silence?

I think that deep down you know your GF is not M-material for you, and you're trying to find a way to silence that inner voice of yours by coming up with all of those rationalizations. The problem is, you might make be able to quiet that inner voice a bit, but it will never shut up entirely, and when she does cheat on you again, the line that will be ringing over and over in your head is I TOLD YOU SO.

blueskier,

Your very presence here is witness to the fact that you don't believe your excuses for her behavior.

At least one of you(and possibly both) have been using your relationship as a transition filler to get you through your respective divorces.

Recognize your R for what it is and move on. You are a very lucky man to have seen your prospective bride in this manner. Thank her for letting you lean on her and say your goodbyes

So a "clinical" showing off of "enhancement" mysteriously lead to ????? Blue, you are being truly and sincerely snowed. Please know wandering spouses come up with loads of "scenarios" that are blamed for infidelity, gaslighting. The sole purpose of gaslighting is to confuse you, to keep you in the current state of the relationship. "oh, if only XYZ hadn't happened"... Well, you can stop XYZ from happening, but what about DEF, or RTQ, too many possibilities, all just excuses... The responsibility is hers, and she failed. What's worse, she isn't being honest with herself, and without that honesty, she can't stop the next incedent from happening b/c she still doesn't understand how it happened...

You are allowing yourself to be gaslighted. Why? B/c you blindly love her, it is the newness and freshness of love that inspires forgiveness. And for whatever reason, you are filling enough of her needs that she isn't ready to lose you either. Sadly, many of us have been there. But when the adrenaline wears off, when the honeymoon is over, the edginess of your effection will start to wane. What do you think you will see, when the gloss is scraped off the relationship? What little habits that you ignore do you think will become amplified, if you were "less in love"? I worry you are setting yourself up to be very angry, very unfulfilled, and divorced a second time.

Hey, I appreciate your willingness to forgive, that's one of the common themes when talking about affairs. But what exactly are you forgiving... Unless this guy is a physician, he had no business asking to see. Unless she is needy for attention, she had no business showing them off unless it is to you or her mom. How did clinical review become... unclinical? Sure, you are acting "mature" about what happened. But are you ok with how she feels about her body and how she needs to stroke her ego?

Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe it was a one time thing. Only you can decide if you are willing to forgive, but don't mistake what you are forgiving, without even consequence: the intent to cheat. Make no mistake. As soon as she did not throw Ex out on his ear for asking to see them, or as soon as she decided to "tease", she intended to cheat. She wanted to see how far she could take it with her new equipment with her ex - ego stroke. Now, she wants you to forgive, because she's so lovable - ego stroke. Don't think for a second that she won't be looking for another ego stroke soon, you've made it so easy.

I'm worried for you, and actually, for her. Either way, I hope your decision is one you can be comfortable with. It isn't easy, and I wish you the best of luck.

But...

This doesn't make sense. Sounds like someone is being gaslighted.

Usually isn't, the first time...

You have a history of picking unfaithful partners.

She already had "some of that"... If it was a last hurrah, why the heck wouldn't she be looking for variety... They have history, she's questioning her judgement...

They have kids together, which means they'll be thrown together over and over again... She can't even keep her hands off 3 years after the D... She never cheated on Ex, but after this you really trust she can be faithful to you? Are you prepared for that?

Isn't there something like 5 stages of grief, an early one being denial? Don't you want to finish processing the stages, and see where you come out on the other side before you make a committment?

If you M, and decide it is a mistake, I'm not sure the court system counts pre-M affairs... You may have to wait to catch the next A if you are in an at-fault state...

One last thought... Being that your fiance had the indescresion, why is she pressing for the M...? Doesn't she want to think things over? Or is this a "shoot, and sort it all out later" process...?

Chobbs you make some very good points. Trust is my issue right now. Yes he is around some cause of the kids. Those other times I talked about was over the 3 year period. No I am not prepared for her to cheat on me when she never cheated on him. I would feel like "she loved him more than me". That is what I am facing.