It's 10 months since D-Day and I still feel a strong desire to confront the OM for how much pain he has caused me. I have fantasies of smashing his face in. Of course, that's not an option. And there is no legal way to get revenge.

So what can I do about these feelings? From what I understand, confronting the OM to give him "a piece of your mind" is not worth the trouble. What do I do if I happen to run into him downtown or in a coffee shop?

Fourth_Street,
As someone who has been there and done that, I urgently implore you not to go there.

By the time you've done what you feel was justified, you will immediately begin to feel empty. You will come to the realization, that you simply stooped down into his world and have made yourself as lowly as he.

The "high road" will no longer be yours and you will become mired down in the same s*** the he resides in. DON'T GO THERE! Keep the high road and progress with R of your M. Your FWW will never understand the difference between you and him if you step down in his gutter.

All Blessing,
Jerry

As long as you have these feelings, the OM has power in your life, and a place in your being. Exercise, take up boxing, or some sport and work out these thoughts. Don't let him have one more moment of your time.

Fantasies about OM and a baseball bat occupied my mind for a while as well. It's not a bad short term way of deflecting anger from your WW. But Believer and Jerry are right. Don't act on the fantasies. Recovery will wash even the fantasy away.

The funny thing is though, I don't think in the history of me reading these boards (3 years now), there has ever been a documented fist fight between a betrayed spouse (male) and an the OM (other man). It is almost surreal. Everyone here is like a f-ing saint.

I did not fight my OM because I actually got to slice his stomach open and take apart his bowels before the opportunity arose, so that's my excuse.

What's yours?

LM

Jerry:

Please tell me more about this. Did you and the OM actuallyy thorow punches or just argue? Just curious.

LM

I for one will say that I have NEVER regretted dealing with the OM face to face....so to speak.
I do not advocate it for most people...for two reasons...one, you could get arrested... and two...you might not know when to stop!
But regret...not me.

OK, finally some honesty. I want details MKDC. Was there fists thrown, arguing, shoving? The reason I ask, is that I find it almost statistically impossible that nearly 99% of people here who were betrayed never had any physical confrontation with their spouses affair partner. I am not advocating doing so, but it almost seems to unbelievable to me. On one hand you have alll of the "christian" people who actively advocate fraud (lying and faux divorciong to conceal assetts and lower legal amounts in an Other Child situation), but yet everyone is holier than thou and is able to control not being in a fist to cuffs situatiuon with the other person.

I aint buying it. Not for one second. This is just to skewed a population.

LM

I bleieve I mentioned this just one other time to MEDC. I sure I will never be able to fine that post, but no, we didn;t thro punches, only I did. He never had a chance to raise his hands. And to this day, I am thoroughly ashamed of this. Thus I don't somehow brag qbout it or anything else. But many of us here have witnessed Jerry in meltdown.

It served no purpose other than to make myself no better than him. I regret it to this day. Hope this answers your Q Lem, and Btw, good to hear from again.

All blesings,
Jerry

Jerry:

Good to hear from you, I always have considered you "one of my boys" here. i am not advocating fighting or any of that stuff, and I am happy that God intervened in a way that did not allow me to make the choice I WOULD HAVE LIKELY made in kicking the OM's butt....I just want to discuss this, because it seems almost impossible that there are so few fights talked about here between BS and the Other men. Just curious. I work in trauma, I see the end results of fights and disagreements almost EVERY day of my life, so perhaps it is just me who is skewed. Thanks for the input.

LM

I am only holier than a very few <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and was not able to control my fists [or car]. Are ya happy now? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I do know of another member, who shall remain unnamed, who did give the OM a little attitude adjustment via his fists.

It does happen, but I think folks who do it are none too proud so it doesn't get talked about much.

Do you think the demographic here is the same as what you see in your ER?

ML:

Your probably correct....people don't want to talk about those things that they are ashamed of.

LM

No, the demographics are certainly NOT similar, but human nature is. Again, I think your explanation for this is on target.

How have you been Mel?

John (aka LM)

I guess I just want the details of the situations that actually happened. I have been in very few fist fights in my life.....but...IF I would have had the chance to fight the OM on the night of D-Day, I am 100% sure I would have. I am pretty sure that if it happened again TODAY, I would not have. I am not that same person I was then, but I am human. I am interested in hearing the details of this stuff, just because I guess I am a nosy bastird....I dunno.

LM

LM, good to see you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't want to talk about what I did and neither does this other person for 2 reasons: shame at our loss of control and the fear that someone will follow suit. People come here in the absolute depths of despair, on the verge of a murderous rage as it is. I do not want to help them do something as STUPID and insane as me. It is a miracle I did not land in jail for what I did.

When people come here, I want to help them keep it together and be sane, not do the STUPID things I did.

Going away for 20 didn't seem worth it to me Lem. I got far more mileage from my then WW by NOT going cappachino monkey on his azz.

LM...mine was cold, calculated and NOT in the heat of the moment. My ex profession afforded me some opportunity that others might not have enjoyed without spending a bit of money.
All I will say is that my confrontation with the OM was a long time after NC(at least on the part of my ex) and that he has never been a problem since that day. The chance of him reporting the incident to the authorities was next to none based on a promise I made to him. The last I heard he took my advice and moved west of Ohio. The most valuable thing I did was not with my fists, elbows, knees or feet...it was a piece of paper that I handed him that contained every address that he, his brother, sisters and mother have resided at for the past 20 years. No threat was made regarding this stuff....he just assumed one...and that was more than enough.
See...he had hurt my son...and that is where I draw the line. He engaged in activity in a fashion that my son was exposed to things a kid should never see. I most likely could have pursued criminal charges against him...but I decided that rather than add drama to my child's life, I would add a bit of "excitement" to his. I think he truly believes to this day that if he comes back to town he would face one form of justice or another.
I am not ashamed of any of this...not in the least. I believe in taking the bull by the balls even if that means sending some business your way.
BTW... I do NOT advocate people engaging in violence beyond fist a cuffs. I Do wholeheartedly believe that if a man is so inclined that he is thoroughly justified in curbing his wife's "friend."

lmao

I have a friend who ambushed OM a long time after NC and beat him up with a hose pipe. I guess OM thought he deserved it because luckily for my friend he never reported it.

I am sure many BS's do it but are later ashamed and don't like to talk about it.