What do I do? I'm trying the plan a thing, but the contact continues with the OM and his EA. I'm tired. Can plan A even work without NC?

My options are to live with their "friendship" or leave. What do I choose?

It's also worth noting that no contact with her means no band. Not sure which one is more important to him but they are both more important than me.

Nothing regarding marital recovery will work without NC. He's screwing her too BTW.

lol, y'all keep saying that.

So basically I have to say "quit the band and stop talking to this woman or leave".

I don't think he'll leave because I've already asked him several times. Which means, in that case, I have to leave. Straight to plan B?

Oh, look everybody….it’s another WS out to play “up-the-ante”!

This is a mental game to your WH, done in the usual fogged out attempt to have his cake and eat it too. He’s deliberately attempting (whether he realizes it or not) to ascertain how far he can push you until you refuse to be pushed any farther.

So Girlfriend! Let’s PLAY!

Your WH has already told you the rules of the game…

a) shut up and put up with the OW to keep the peace and stay married OR
b) find the door and take a walk through it (or throw him out)

My suggestions?

1) Call your local domestic violence hotline and tell them you aren’t in any danger, you just need to know who the best family lawyers in your area are.
2) DO NOT TELL HUSBAND
3) GO to an appointment with lawyer, tell lawyer of your issue and ask how to set a long-tern separation agreement into place.
4) DO NOT TELL HUSBAND
5) If lawyer laughs at you for worrying about “conversations” with other women, STOMP, don’t walk out of the office and go to another lawyer.
6) DO NOT TELL HUSBAND
7) When you find a lawyer you can work with, do what they say. Find the paperwork they need, keep your appointments, and have them draft a separation agreement.
8) DO NOT TELL HUSBAND
9) Study up on Plan B here at MB and set up necessary contact people, etc. to go dark
10) DO NOT TELL HUSBAND
11) When everything is in legal order, find somewhere else to stash personal keepsakes from house and take them there. (or start packing his stuff)
12) DO NOT TELL HUSBAND
13) Find somewhere else to live temporarily
14) DO NOT TELL HUSBAND
15) When your paperwork is finished and all of the things that you can save from your home are out without husband finding out, cook an excellent dinner one night.
16) Set dining table for one, and put dinner out for husband.
17) When he comes home, tell him dinner is ready, hand him envelope of paperwork to sign, tell him you won’t live in a relationship of three and WALK OUT THE DOOR. (BEFORE he has a chance to read the paperwork)
18) OR….if he is the one to leave, don’t fix dinner, call over a few (at least two) of the biggest, meanest looking guys you know to watch over him as he packs his things and leaves. Make sure he understands that he needs to take everything he needs the first time because he’s not getting into your house again. This step would work really well if you can get his father to come over and watch him pack.
19) DO NOT CALL, TALK, MEET, TEXT, E-MAIL Husband until he agrees (through your Plan B contact) to N/C with OW and places himself in a situation where he is answerable for his actions to a counselor/therapist/clergyperson, etc.
20) After months of marriage therapy and use of MB principles, THEN consider going back to him

And if he doesn’t want you to come back??

Consider yourself lucky that you got rid of someone from your life that feels no guilt at playing games with your head.

I know I sound hard-hearted and I know others here on MB will disagree with me, but I’ve done the attempt-to-live-with-option. I know from experience that it doesn’t work. You may save you marriage in the sort term, but you will drive yourself into depression in the long term.

If WH wants to play up-the-ante, pull the rug out from him. Protect yourself legally and DON’T play.

Remember: Don’t make someone in your life a priority if they only make you an option.

Heck - I don't disagree with a word!!

Not sure why, but today I feel at peace with this plan. At first I was terrified of losing my dh. But now, the thought is almost welcome. Very strange. I kept playing out scenarios in my head and my sympathy for the situation he's gotten himself into has all but diminished. I didn't do this. These are not my choices. I would do anything to fix the problem, but he hasn't left me with any options.

So for now, I stay the nicey wifey and live this secret life of plotting and scheming against/for him. I feel a little guilty about it but at the same time I know its what needs to happen and is truly in both of our best interests.

When I busted XH over his EA, it was already 'over' but they were 'still friends'. Supposedly it had been over for about 6 months (so I was miserably unaware for 3 years of why we were having problems that even MC couldn't seem to help.)

Once I figured it out, he gave me the "we're going to remain friends" bit and I told him no way, plain and simple.

Popular psychology discourages ultimatums - but that's exactly what I gave him. Choose her friendship or choose your wife, there's no middle ground.

He chose me. That was almost 10 years ago - and I had no cause to believe he ever contacted her again - but then she was hundreds of miles away and I don't think they ever met face to face.

Our marriage did come to an end - but not over that or another affair (see my sig line).

I do want to reconcile with him - but he's still clinging to a dying relationship. IF after that finally burns out, IF he wants to try again, I'm game - but not as long as (ex?)GF is still "a friend". She's moved 2000 miles away so NC would be easy enough to establish. I won't be involved in a triangle, period.

Like others have said, he's pushing the envelope - and he probably doesn't think you're serious. He's cake-eating and he will as long as he can. You have the control here - not him.

Do as Cat_Lover suggested - and you'll either find your H when the alien being in the fog emerges - OR you'll be better off without all that grief.

It's easier said than done - likely be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do - with lots of bumps in the road in between - however *you* can and will emerge on the other side a happier, healthier person.

He'll be left wondering what the heck happened. Either that or he'll get a reality check and clean up his act - that choice rests with him.

It sucks to be in that place where you are now - but I've been there - and I'm still standing. You will be too. Wish I had MB back then - but without realizing it at the time I applied many of the principles just on my own.

Wish I'd paid more attention to MB in more recent years, I found this site before the marriage went to divorce court, but I wasn't ready to hear the good help and advice - that's my fault - my choice. I'm working on me and trying to reconcile, but at this point it may not happen. If it does, great - if it doesn't, the things I'm learning *now* will help me down the road, and they are absolutely helping me today. I'll be fine, either way!

In loving support,
JinGA

You aren't scheming against him. You are scheming *for* you, and for your marriage, and yes, even *for* him although he won't see it that way - at least not immediately. I know it feels a bit weird - but at least you're working for a better ending - he's working to undermine the marriage, you, and even himself.

Try to see this as a positive - as illogical as it may feel right now - it *is* a positive.

JinGA

PLAN A is alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

about there being contact

plan A is

alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

you do plan A because there is contact...

if you are in plan A it is done with 1000000000000000000% expectation that there is contact...

if you don't understand that about plan A...
then you probably need to read up more about it....

plan A is all about contact....

ARK

Cat lover...great post

stormy...I'd follow that plan to a T, and go so dark he'll think you'd fallen off the face of the planet.

How long have you done Plan A?
How well have you stuck to Plan A?

I ask because once you go to Plan B you will be tempted to
end Plan B prematurely if you don't feel confident about the length and quality of the Plan A you did.

If you don't like the cake-eating now just wait until your
WH catches on that you'll waffle on the Plan B...because you'll fear that your Plan A was inadequate... so you'll give in and give him another chance...

Plan A by itself rarely ends the adultery. As Ark pointed out, you should read Plan A again to ensure you understand it's purpose.

Also, don't forget that exposure is part of Plan A. Who have you exposed to so far?

Cat Lover's steps 1-16 are things you can do while doing Plan A. Plan A is not about letting him eat cake forever or about being a doormat. Plan A is your final offer as a demonstration of what he will be losing if he makes the wrong choice. It's very important that you leave a lasting impression that is not mere verbal promises and/or a distant memory of how things were like when you first met. I know it can feel very hurtful and demeaning to
compete with the OW. But you allow the OW to remain at an extreme advantage if you fail to do Plan A. You don't want him to be making his choice just yet... Send him off with a good example of life with you and do enough damage to their fantasy with exposure and competition from you that the OW will start to act jealous and controlling.

Well, I was understanding that Plan A is to be done with or without NC.

so I guess I really screwed things up.

I'm pregnant and was feeling especially hormonal yesterday when he got home. He didn't call all day. He didn't look me in the eye when he got home. He went straight to the porch and got on the phone.

I got an attitude. After an hour or so of staring at the wall he came in and started confronting me about "My problem". I told him I didn't want to talk to him because he didn't care about my feelings. He kept pressing and pressing in a very insensitive way.

I finally told him I couldn't go on like this. He needed to end contact with the OW and commit himself to doing something to make this marriage work or he needed to leave. He refused and it turned into a huge fight in which he told me he wasn't going anywhere and if anyone was leaving it was me. I started packing my stuff and then he forcibly kept me from being able to do that and said some really threatening stuff. I went to bed and we didn't speak. He was gone this morning before I got up. Haven't heard from him and he's been off work for at least 2 hours.

I only did plan a for 2 weeks and not well. Hormones and emotions got the best of me several times.

So what now? I was a good wife before all this crap. Plan a was killing me. I don't like this either. I don't know where he is or what he's doing. I obviously won't be going to the show. Everyone I've told about the problem has dismissed me. I can't figure out how to contact her husband. Is it too late for continued exposure?

I ordered the affair book but it isn't here yet. I just feel like I've screwed up too much now. I can't control myself.

Stormy,

My husband was in a band with a woman. I understand many of the dynamics you are talking about.

My husband left me and my then 2 year old daughter. He stated "I don't love you, I never did love you, and I never will love you." He left that day, and I really think a lot of it had to do with being in the nightclubs around the singles scene, he wanted to be single and living it up, you know that scene.

I basically did a Plan B without knowing it back then.

He was back in three months.

He couldn't stand not having his family and me.

He was a family man, and the OW just were not what they were cracked up to be. He wasn't a "swingin' guy", he was a family guy.

He just forgot that. He told me he basically remembered it pretty fast, but was too proud to come back sooner.


Hang in there.

SB

that's the same stuff he's been saying to me and I definitely think being around single people all the time is making him envious of their lifestyle.

I just don't feel like I have any strength left. I bent over backwards until my back broke. I tried doing a bunch of stuff for myself and it only helped me feel better in the moment. Even today I went and had a 3 hour mani/pedi. Don't feel so good now though. **sigh** This is too hard.

he came back last night.

said he will never quit his band. Listed his priorities as band, work, school.

Arranged to rent a room from his drummer.

Says he'll come by and visit a couple of times a week and maybe go to counseling.

I'm a freaking wreck. I can't control my emotions. I cried all night last night which of course pissed him off. I just don't understand why he doesn't want me.

I need help. I'm really second guessing myself and wondering if I didn't do more damage than can be fixed. Despite my genuine plan a efforts, last night he said he needs to be away from me because all I do is cry about our problems. That's not 100% true but that's all he's recognized from our efforts. What if my plan a wasn't good enough? Now what? He gets to hang out with his new best friend every day and live the bachelor life he's been dreaming of. This doesn't feel right either.

I don't know if I should go to counseling with him or not. I'm tempted to schedule a solo appt for him with a mental health professional.

I would recommend the book Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson. Your WH probably will not recognize any of your efforts. He's gonna keep building his case for why he should keep screwing around, and that will mean ignoring any of your efforts.

Dr.Dobson says that often the underlying cause for a spouse's infidelity is a "seething disrespect" for their spouse. And the more you beg, plead, cry or threaten, the more that disrespect grows. He recommends all BS conduct themselves w/ "quiet confidence". Which is easier said than done because that goes against everything you're really feeling.

I wish my book would have already come. I think I would have more control if it wasn't for this darn baby! The timing couldn't be worse.