I've been looking through MB posts for several weeks now and hope some of you may be of some help to me. Some of the posts I've read on here already have been helpful thus far. I'm a first timer, so pardon any mistakes!

My W and I have been married for 15+ years. In November 2000, she told me there was someone else while attending a college football game. She wanted to seek OM out, which we did, had to see who this OM was. Well we found the OM, wasn't hard, I could tell by the looks they exchanged, they did not get to be together that night. She went to work with the OM, where they had met at her part time job, the very next night. I urged her to stop working with the OM, but that only drove her to work with him more.

She eventually filed for divorce and I moved out. We got back together in May 2001. I tried to meet all of her EN's, but to no avail, she did not stop working with the OM, but I did not give up. She said she did not talk to him anymore. In October of 2003, I discovered that she was once again talking to the OM and had been doing so for several months prior, and continued to do so. I eventually put my walls up and took care of me and our children.

On 7/11/2007, the OM's girlfriend called me and provided me with proof of a PA, something I had suspected, but never could prove. In the past, anytime I had asked my W about the OM, she would always respond "it's just talking". When I confronted my W with my discovery of the PA, she said it was 4 years ago, and that she had put a stop to it shortly after. But she admitted that she had talked to the OM up until about 6 months ago. I know the A started in 2000, but do not know when or if it has stopped. She says that it was more off and on for about 3 - 4 years, but she never cut ties with him. She tries to assure me that she no longer has any contact with the OM. She didn't stop working with him until 2006.

She says she wants to make our Marriage work and that she is committed to us. She did write a letter of NC to the OM 10 days after D Day 3 7/11/07. My W says she is never going to talk to OM again. I have heard that before, how do I know it won't happen again? We've both read His Needs/Her Needs, and I just recently finished SAA. My W finally admitted that she did have feelings for the OM, which took her 7 years to admit to, and knowing that puts a different light on things, actually admitting she had an EA as well as a PA with this OM was a big step for her. I've hurt before, but never like this. With my W's stated commitment to work on us, aren't I beyond Plans A and B? What's next? I honestly don't know where to go from here. I want my marriage to work, I just don't know how to get over the pain I'm feeling. Any help or advice is appreciated.

Hi Mdid,

Welcome to MB!

I didn't find out about seven of Mrs. RIF's A's until 10+ years after the fact... and I can assure you, the pain was just as bad and just as horrible as if they'd happend two days ago.

My best recommendation for you and your W is to find a good pro-M MC and start going together. Until you BOTH work through the issues that caused her to have her A, then you will never start rebuilding your M.

Rebuilding your M will not be quick, and it will involve much heartache and pain from both of you, but as long as you are BOTH committed to each other and the M, (and as long as your W maintains 100% NC), then it is possible for you to rebuild.

I wish you both the best as you start out on your journy.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Rif,

Thanks for the reply.

We have seen two MC's in the past, both while we were seperated, and had bad experiences with both. We really don't know where to begin looking at this point, want to avoid another negative experience. I do like the MB philosophies and would like to use a MC who practices with the same thought process.

Any ideas on how to find a good one?

I know it's going to be a long hard road, but with the success stories I've read here, I believe it will really be worth it.

Call the Harleys. Best money you will ever spend.

Larry

Hi Mdid,

We used a MC from our church counseling center and we met with one of our pastors as well...

If you can afford it, the Harley's are the way to go...

Semper Fi,

RIF

I agree with the advice given to call the Harley's.
Also, if you prefer to go to counseling in person there is a list on this site of MC's who use the MB principles. Another option is to tell your MC about MB principles to see if they can understand and endorse them.

Most of the A's my WXH had were very brief (on business trips) and discovered by me after the fact. I mistakenly thought therefore that I should just try to get over them and allowed WH to talk me out of MC after just a few sessions and promises from him that it was over and would never happen again... WXH had 7 A's that I know of AND perhaps more importantly all the problems he came into our marriage with were still with him when he left our marriage. If I had insisted on good MC sooner maybe we would still be married today and he'd be free of his problems...

mdid,

I also agree with those who have advised you to counsel with the Harley's. It is expensive, but they specialize in situations where infidelity has ocurred and they can guide you step-by-step through a plan to heal the wounds caused by infidelity and rebuilding your marriage.

Thanks to all of you for the advice on MC. I have checked and there are no MB MC's in my area. My W and I both need some IC as well as MC to make this work.

My biggest obstacle at this point is dealing with the questions, which I know I will always have, I just have a hard time with self control. I feel I have to know the why's and how's and details. Once we began viewing the MB site, and read HNs/HNs and SAA, she's been honest, after having lied to me (in her words "to protect me") at first. I'm trying very hard not to LB, but it is very difficult for me. As a cop of over 15 years, it is my nature to NEED to know the hows and why's, so I am having to learn to not want to know too much so the resentment won't be so great. There is a lot already because of the number of years the OM was allowed to be a part of her life.

Fortunately, my W is now in a place in which she is willing to do anything to make this work, I just don't want to do anything to push her away. I think we have differing points of view concerning her A, to her, it's been over for several years, allowing her more time to deal with what she has done. To me, it's as if it has just happened, I have to absorb and understand it all, and deal with it.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Again, I appreciate the advice and kind words.

mdid,

You have every right to know the details and the whys and wherefore's of this mess. I would like to caution you though, some details my hurt more than they help. I would like to suggest that you consider writing down the questions you want to ask. write down the details you feel you need to know. Then next to each question and detail write down WHY you want to know it. Ask yourself if this information will help you, help your marriage and why.

Let it sit for a few days. Then tell your W that you have many questions you need to know the answers to. I would recommend that you consider giving her a copy of the list. Let her think about them, and perhaps agree to address one of them every few days and limit the time to say an hour.

The reason for the last suggestions is it provides structure to this information gathering. It allows her to know that it will not be endless. It is also likely that if she understands why you feel you need to know, that she will be more willing to talk about them. When she answers them, write down the answer or at least that she answered it. Don't go back again. If new questions come to mind add them to the list. Evaluate them, and the proceed as before.

Sounds like a lot of work. Doesn't sound to much like a policeman would go about "cracking" a suspect. That is the point, she is NOT a suspect. You know she had the affair, and really you know many of the important details. But, I understand your need to know more. Many years ago someone said on this site. "I don't mind forgiving my spouse, I just want to know WHAT it is that I am forgiving." It has been repeated many times.

Also in your list of questions throw in some questions concerning what she has learned about herself, what she has learned about you. What she has learned about the institution of marriage. What she wants for the future, and what would make her happy.

You see you need the details from the past, but you need the details from NOW, so that you two and make a good future.


I hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

You made some very good points and suggestions. I will definitely begin to write the need to know questions down. I Feel it will help keep my thoughts in line. That should help my W in where I am also.

In the past my W has said to me that I make her feel like she is my Suspect, a definite LB on my part. I do tend to ask the same question over and over, looking for inconsistencies I guess. For some unknown reason, I just want the truth, no matter how painful it is. And she sometimes does see it as endless. I do believe that this approach will not be seen as an attack, as she has perceived the questions before.

One thing I have learned so far is that I do have a need to understand her more.

Thanks

mdid,

There is nothing wrong with needing to know the details, but remember you can forgive, but you will never forget. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Eventually, the emotional pain associated with those memories will fade, but it takes time and the movies running in your head can be bad for awhile.

I'm a scientist and details are my thing, so I understand where you are coming from. However, this is not a case, and she is not a suspect. Frankly there is little to suspect right now. You know she did it.

The information in the long run that will help you the most is contained in the questions I offered later. Why? Because I doubt your W is a bad person, or a mean person. Dr. Harley talks about needs being met in a marriage. The lack of meeting needs does not cause an affair, it can cause a bad marriage.

My father used to tell me "Son FEAR and GREED are the two great motivators on this planet. Don't ever forget that. If you run into someone that is not motivated by those things...watch out that person is dangerous."

My point, your W did what she did because she needed something more than she feared something. Given that she was and is very likely a good person (I doubt you would have married her otherwise) you need to help her by understanding what she needs, what made her feel so desperate, and how you can support her so that she doesn't feel this way again.

She made the choices, she violated her own vows and boundaries so she is not a victim. However, it is clear she was weakened. Your job is to support and strengthen her.

What is the motto on most police cars "Serve and Protect"? Consider that your job. So yes you need the details, but focus on the details of her decision making, her feelings at the time, her thoughts in crossing her own boundaries and vows.

I know this sounds very backwards and counter intuitive, but Harley has been very successful looking at things this way. Why? The other way does not work. Who would have thought that you the BS would be encouraged to support, serve and protect your WS? Sounds loopy, you are the one that is hurt, right?

But, what you will find out as you recover your marriage is that the one that is most profoundly hurt will be your W. And the more successful you and she are in rebuilding this marriage the more she is going to feel the pain of what she did. You won't have to say a thing, she will KNOW.

Think about it, formulate those questions and do get the details,but tell her why you need them and make sure you understand why you need them.

God Bless,

JL