Here's how my story begins....

I met and fell in love with this amazing man. He had a beautiful smile and smiled all the time. It didn't matter what was going on around him, he was happy. He was ambitious. He had to be the best of the best at everything he did. He knew what he wanted in life and knew how to get it and would stop at nothing to get it. He had good morals and values but yet he wouldn't judge a soul. He had such compassion! We were inseperable from the night we met! We knew we were meant for each other! We married a year later and had a baby soon after. You could never find a more happier family. I mean sure, we had our fights.... very few and far between and they were always worked out. I was also raised that you take care of your man. I seriously thought I had him spoiled. So what happened?!?!?!?!?

Background of OW: she is married with a child that does not belong to her husband, I have actually seen her hang all over other men... including married men! she is also very much stuck on herself (when we met, she said oh, you're just like me, I don't look like I've had a baby either.... I know flattering as it may seem, but really who says that?) Anyways, I knew she was a threat but I didn't think my husband would be interested in a girl like that!! I mean, it seems as though she needs the attention of other men to make her feel good about herself! -and she does it behind her husband's back! (of course!)

How OW and WH met: they started working together just a few months before we were married and apparently she's been after him ever since. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

How the affair began: I'm not really sure I didn't go to the 'office' party that night but what I do know is that there was some flirting and a kiss. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

WH now believes he is actually in love with this OW. It is absolutely killing me inside. What did I do wrong??? How can he possibly be in love with a woman like that???? (by the way, he says she's not really like that, even though he has admitted to me long before the affair that she's like that all the time... hanging all over other men, I mean) -sigh

WH's so called justifications for the affair.... brace yourself.... here it comes..... we're different!! what??? He says that we have nothing in common. He then preceded to tell me that I don't ever want to go out and when I asked him then why had I been asking him for the last 6 wks or so to go out if I didn't want to go out??? (his reply was that none of the wives were going to be there... which I have heard that line a time or two before the affair) so he then changed it to I don't have fun when we go out. So I asked him then why do we wives hang out when none of the hubbies are around, why do we go out to lunch, why do they come and hang out here? so of course he had to change his story again and he then said that I don't have the kind of fun he wants me to have... that he wants a wife that will hang out with the guys, take shots, play poker... what??? how many times has he told me that I couldn't go out b/c none of the wives were going to be there... it was a guy's thing. I have wanted to go many times anyways. I can play poker!!! ARGH!! He has told me that I'm not the kind of girl he would normally hang out with so why would he want to spend the rest of his life with me? He says that he's just not happy. Oh, and his new one is that relationships don't take work.

SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!

OW's justification: her husband is abusive. BOLOGNA!!! I have worked at a battered women's shelter and believe me she is not I repeat she is NOT abused!!!!! First of all, an abused woman would not run to another man. They are scared to death of other men, often including their own fathers!! There is no way she would be able to go out/ travel etc the way she does and there is no way that she would be able to have an affair b/c her husband would be two steps ahead of her!!! Besides, I've seen them two together, including pics of them together and comments from him to her since the affair began and they look incredibly happy and quite sincere... sweet even........ but who knows maybe I'm wrong.

D-day was back in April.... the 21st or something???

Exposure: I ran it up the chain of command (accidently I might add), they shoved it under the rug and decided that I just had a prob with my husband having female friends.... so not true- we've had that discussion before and b/c he was always open and honest with me, very respectful I was okay with it. His family knows. His mom came to visit us soon after D-day and knew something was wrong and after a little investigation and with a bit of my help she know knows everything and has been a tremendous help to me. I've tried to tell OW's husband but I guess she just lied to him. I don't know how he possibly can't know that this is going on but I'm wondering if she has just been like this thier entire marriage so her behavior's no different (where my hubby has completely changed) either that or she's done it so much that she's gotten good at hiding things b/c I suspected something was going on from the very beginning!!! It just took me a couple of weeks to find out who... and that's what I count as D-day. Oh, and a few friends know about the affair as well. I can't talk to OW's husband now b/c they have since PCS'd and I have no way of contacting him that I know of yet..... affair is still going on even though they have PCS'd they talk on IM. e-mail and phone calls and even had a trip planned to meet each other in another city. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Plan A: I have to be honest I have had a few choice words to say a few times but I have really been trying my best to be the best me I can possibly be. He has noticed. Since he has finally started admitting to the affair (-only to me and VERY recently) he thinks I am in denial... that I'm acting as though the affair didn't/ isn't happening. He doesn't understand why I'm still here and he thinks that maybe he's not worth it. I'm guessing that's guilt but also since he has admitted to the affair he has stopped sleeping with me, telling me he loves me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> I'm dying inside!!! -sigh I miss him so much!!! I still love him and I do forgive him. I just want my husband back!



help?

I feel for you. So many of us here know exactly what you're going thru. My WH has used that "we don't have anything in common" crap, too. That's all it is, crap. Don't let it get to ya. Read about the "babble." They all pretty much say the same things. This board has been so helpful to me. Keep coming here and take care of yourself. And I wouldn't waste much time trying "to get it." Affairs do not make any kind of sense, and are never justified.

yeah but what emotional needs was I not meeting??? I'm so confused.

Also, I don't understand what my hubby is thinking.... I mean, he can't possibly think that she would leave her husband for him?? I don't think she's the type. It sounds like she's just playing my husband.... What do you think???

He's NOT thinking. I've heard some describe WS's as being taking over by aliens that have scrambled their brains. It really is the closest description I've heard yet. I don't think it's about your not meeting his needs. No one can meet all their spouse's needs, all the time. And I'm positive he'll tell you he was never happy, and that you've never met any of his needs. This isn't about anything you did or didn't do. This is about him and his selfishness.

this is where I sometimes have a hard time with the MB concepts....I don't believe that in each and every case(certainly there are many) that not meeting the WS's EN's was the issue. More than likely the WS themeselves are the issue and no matter what you did short of the WS getting help, healthy, etc it wouldn't have mattered and you would be dealing with this crap in some way or another.

How was the Chain of command informed?

What branch of service?

Who is active military OM or OW?

Cinc,

Since you only accidentally exposed to his chain-of-command, I recommend that you gather your evidence and officially present it to his supervisor. Either deliver it in person or mail it registered, return receipt.

If you don't have the evidence, then study the Spying 101 thread and get it because you will need it to be taken seriously.

If you have the proof and provide it to his immediate supervisor and no action is taken, then go up the chain to the next level.

Believe me, most supervisors fear having something like this brought to their bosses attention with the added proof that they were notified and did nothing.

Really sorry you are here, but it is a great place to get support and solid advice. Also, your WH isn't experiencing anything unique around here, it's like they (WS) are reading off a script.

Who

I read your post, then went to lunch, and on my way back to the office it suddenly occured to me "Her H is looking for recreational companionship"

I agree with the above poster - not every A can be explained away by looking at emotional needs. But most of them can.And frankly, if it is not becuase you weren't meeting his EN, that is usually a sign of a serial cheater. Someone who is morally inept, and cheats no matter how good things are in his M. If you are sure that your WH is not a serial cheater - are you sure this is the only A? then you probably need to look closer at his EN's.
The thing is, many times we meet the needs that are important to us - without realizing that his top EN's are different from yours. Give this some thought. I wonder if that is a possiblity here. You are certain you were meeting allhis needs - spoiling him even. Could that be because you were meeting the needs that were important to you?

I suggest the recreatioanl companionshio need to you because of his comment that he wanted you to play poker and take shots with the guys. I am not suggeting for a minute that you start shooting tequila and playing poker. BUT I am suggesting that you find recreational things to do with him that would be fun for both of you. Your post talks about the women coming to your house - going to womens functions with the other wives, etc, but where is the stuff you two did - just the two of you? and I am sure there were plenty of activities he participated in that you were not invited to. But now is the time to figure out what you CAN do together. it sounds like he is looking for a "Pal". Just a thought.

Well, I would agree with the recreational companion except that how many times have I tried to go out with him, including when it was just suppose to be the guys. There have been plenty of times that we have gone out together and there have been plenty of times where I did hang out with the guys instead of the wives, only to be asked why I wasn't in there with the wives. So that's why I'm so confused.....

EN's I have read and studied the book The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and I know that his love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation


Also, they were both in the military... OW is now seperated

And it's somewhat comforting to know that he's 'following a script'

I am not talking about going out with the group of guys sort of thing - I know he is saying that now, but I don't think that is really it. I am thinking something more like trainging together for a 10K run, or taking up a new hobby together. Playing on a co-ed softball team. Just some thoughts.

I am also wondering if he is looking to re-live his younger, partying days. Taking straight shots with the guys? That is NOT a good idea, for any marriage. And I think that in his "right mind" he would realize that. But it sounds like maybe he is looking to return to a time in his life when he had no stress, no children, no worries. when he would go out drinking with his friends on a Friday night, and not feel guilty that his wife was at home with the kids.


Just some random thoughts I had.

What are you doing for yourself these days?

I think you're right on. That has crossed my mind a few times esp. since he has said (in the beginning of this whole mess) that he was having a hard time adjusting to married life with a baby.

I'm not sure what I can do though now. Like I said, since he has finally admitted to me the affair he is very withdrawn. He barely acknowledges my presence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I have gotten a new haircut and recently bleached my teeth... something I hadn't done since before I got pg, I also try and go shopping and do other fun things I enjoy. It can be a bit hard though sometimes having a baby at home. And being military it's not like I have mom and dad up the road to babysit!

oh, before when I said OW is now seperated I don't mean from her H I mean from the military.... I forget many people don't understand military jargon.


I'm still sort of stuck on the issue of the OW. How can he possibly be stupid enough to fall for a girl like that? I mean besides the fact that their relationship is based on nothing but lies and deception what on earth makes him think that they're going last? or that they were meant for each other.... First of all, I wouldn't think that a W like that would leaver her H. I think this is all just a game for her. But what makes him think that she wouldn't do to him what she's doing to her H right now??? And I know in the past WH has talked down on other W who act just like her..... that's why I said I knew she was a threat but NEVER thought my H would be interested in a girl like that. What do you guys know of your WH/W's OW/M? Are they just like her or is it different? Can somebody link me to a thread that discusses that???

Also, what about his finally admitting to the affair and now suddenly becoming extremely withdrawn... Is that normal too? What about the feelings of guilt... if that's what they are...."maybe I'm not worth it... why are you still here, etc"

Cincv,

Let me explain something to you. You can read and read, but NOWHERE does Dr. Harley say that unmet needs are the cause of an affair. Unmet needs can determine the state of the marriage before, during, and after an affair, but they are NOT the cause of the affair.

The affair is caused by the decision of the wayward spouse. You did not get a vote, or any say in this decision. Unmet needs are often used as excuses for the affair, but they are NOT the reason for one. It boils down to gutlessness, selfishness, and lack of boundaries.

I hope this helps you. Please read the articles here and realize that while you can help in recovery, you did NOT cause this affair. He could have filed for divorce BEFORE meeting anyone else and then I would buy unmet needs as a reason for leaving. But, no, this not about you.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Is your WH/OWH Military? What branch?

How did you notify the CoC previously?

My H is military. OW and her H were military until recently. branch AF I went to another wife who went to her H and it got ran up the CoC that way. I did show what little evidence I had at that point.

posting this again....

I'm still sort of stuck on the issue of the OW. How can he possibly be stupid enough to fall for a girl like that? I mean besides the fact that their relationship is based on nothing but lies and deception what on earth makes him think that they're going last? or that they were meant for each other.... First of all, I wouldn't think that a W like that would leaver her H. I think this is all just a game for her. But what makes him think that she wouldn't do to him what she's doing to her H right now??? And I know in the past WH has talked down on other W who act just like her..... that's why I said I knew she was a threat but NEVER thought my H would be interested in a girl like that. What do you guys know of your WH/W's OW/M? Are they just like her or is it different? Can somebody link me to a thread that discusses that???

Also, what about his finally admitting to the affair and now suddenly becoming extremely withdrawn... Is that normal too? What about the feelings of guilt... if that's what they are...."maybe I'm not worth it... why are you still here, etc"

Unmet needs ARE one of the primary reasons for affairs.

No, it doesn't say that unmet needs CAUSE affairs, but it does say that affairs exist because they meet important emotional needs. I know for a fact my wife would NOT have chosen to have an affair had I been meeting her emotional needs. This is an undeniable truth, and it took me a long time to admit this to myself. So, I bear partial responsibility for the mess that was created when she chose to engage in her EA.

Page 75, Surviving An Affair

How could I expect Jon to avoid burning his bridges after Sue had behaved so thoughtlessly? I offered him four reasons to try a plan that would give his marriage a chance to recover.

1. John was partly responsible for Sue's affair. John knew, deep down inside, that his career choices had a great deal to do with Sue's affair. His work schedule prevented him from meeting her emotional needs, and it made her vulnerable to Greg's attention. Even after she was willing to reconcile with him, his job continued to take priority. He now realized what he should have done to prevent her affair and he needed a chance to prove it to her. He would have that chance if he could be patient.

Dr. Harley's words, not mine...

okay, so does anyone have any ideas what EN's I might have been missing??? or better yet any suggestions on what I can do during Plan A to meet his EN's and get the outcome Plan A is for while WH is in a withdrawal state?????

thank you!!!!!

cinc,





I don't see that you have actually done the job on this here. I am an officer in the military and I can tell you that in almost every case, a supervisor is not going to act on heresay like this. Dealing with infidelity can be pretty darn harsh in the military and I imagine in some ways, your husbands commander is HOPING that you won't come in and see him/her about this. Why, because they know that they will have to take some action.

IMHO, you personally scheduling an appointment to see your WH's commander or top NCO will be more effective in ending the A that anything else you have done to this point. Yes, it is going to Pi$$ your WH off and bring some heat down on him. Heck, if he continues, it could even result in serious career ending disciplinary action against him.

Exposure here is a very powerful tool. Use it.

Who