Post deleted by dkerns

I think you should confess this to your H and then tell his W everything.
If you want your marriage on the right track you need to confess this before H finds out on his own.
Do not let your H live in the illusion that you are a faithful truthful women.
OMW should not live in that illusion either.
that is evil to let these two people think this
The good people here will help you through out all of this
Do the right thing

Hi Dkerns,

Welcome to MB.

I don't know what you are looking for here at MB... I would sincerely hope that you are looking for a way to end your A with your commander and rebuild your M with your H.

Your actions and your "commander's" actions are a disgrace to the uniform that you both wear. If you were in my unit, I would have you both brough up on charges under Article 134 of the UCMJ and any other Article that I thought that I could have you both convicted on.

If convicted on Article 134, the maximum punishment is a Dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for 1 year. I hope you both are well aware of what you are risking.

If you are interested in rebuilding your M, then there are lots of great people here that are willing to help you.

However, until you end the A and confess to your H, I doubt that you will receive much sympathy from the members here. If you are looking for advice on how to end your A, then you will get some great advice... but if you're looking for sympathy, you've come to the wrong place.

As an Officer, I can not condone blatant violations of the UCMJ. I will only offer you the advice that you need to end this affair immediately.

What you tell your H is your own business... but if you try to keep this 'hidden' from him, I can assure you that at some point down the road, he WILL find out...

Semper Fi,

RIF

***Edited to add the following***

Dkerns - I'm assuming that you are junior to your commander (either enlisted or officer)... so I hold this "officer" (and I use that term VERY loosely) more accountable than you.

Please let me know if this "officer" every gets orders to Afghanistan because I want to stay as far away from someone with such low morals as possible.

The last thing that we need over here are "officers" that put themselves and their sexual desires above the welfare of the unit and their troops.

I am a BS, not a WS, but I felt compelled to reply because of some similarities to my WW's A (she felt hurt and used when he stopped contacting her).

First, the fact that you are here is great. It means you are taking steps to solve your problems by asking advice from those who have been there. Second, the fact that you feel like a horrible person is good because too often the WS rationalizes what they are doing and places blame on the BS. I wish my WW would express remorse for what she's done. Third, you have partially cut off the A. But guess what that means the advice is going to be? Completely severing all ties with OM. Total NC. As you may have read, you will continue to think about him and not be completely in your right mind for a few months after NC is in place. You absolutely have to do this part if you're going to succeed. My WW, who is an incredibly strong-willed person, has admitted to me that she doesn't think she can do it (which has proved true so far) despite the fact he hasn't seen or spoken to her in more than two months.

As for revealing this to your H, as a BH I can say that if he has no suspicions that this will probably be the most painful thing he has ever experienced. My WW said she didn't want to tell me because she knew it would devastate me. But guess what is also devastating? The lies and deception. And the longer it has gone on, the worse it feels. So do not use 'I don't want to hurt my husband' as a reason not to tell him. You've already done that.

However, the military situation is different from mine and I can't really speak to that. I'm sure some others on this board can. It may be that there are consequences for your actions that are completely unavoidable. My mother used to tell me that the truth would always come out and so far she's always been right. But there are differing ways for it to come out. You revealing this to your H and expressing remorse is way better than OM or OM W revealing it to him. I think everyone here will agree that OM's W will need to be informed, which would seem to precipitate the truth coming out to everyone. Truth hurts, but it is good and necessary.

You absolutely have to have NC w/OM for life in order to fix things. Do not try and end the "relationship" on a good note, saying things like how much you like the person and how much you'll miss them and you're sorry for hurting them. Find an example NC letter on this site or the sample one in "Surviving An Affair" and use it.

dkerns,

He is treating you the same way that you treated your husband. You need to fess up to your affair. If you lose your husband and job over it, it is because you DESERVE to. Your husband DESERVES the truth, and your relationship with him will forever be damaged as long as you are LYING by omission to him. You need to fess up, accept the consequences and then work on healing your relationship. OM is a piece of garbage and should not be allowed to sleep with his subordinates. You need to take action. If doing the right thing was EASY, EVERYONE would do it. I know that you came here because you are looking for the right thing to do, but I know that you won't like the answers. I've got news for you. You will be doomed to an unhappy marriage UNLESS you come clean to your husband, go to counseling, and really work on your relationship. You need to get away from OM because if he gets horny again and wants to have sex with you again, he'll call you up and you'll come right back and betray your husband some more. You are addicted to what he give you and you need to learn (though marriage counseling) how to get that from your husband.

dkerns,

I will offer you no advice since you asked for none concerning your H and the marriage you are trashing.

I will say this and I don't know how to state more strongly.
You are a strong arguement for NOT ALLOWING WOMEN IN THE MILITARY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Your behavior and that of your commander is reprehensible.

I have strong feelings about this because my father was at Pearl Harbor, and served well into the Viet Nahm period. I overlapped him in that period and continue to be associated with the military to this day. What you are doing is disrespecting the uniform you wear, and those that wear it with honor, something neither you nor your OM are doing.

THe HONORABLE thing to do would be to tell your H and let him decide if he wants to remain married to a woman of your class. You clearly have no regrets, no sense of honor, and no respect for the institution of marriage. The other honorable thing to do is resign and take out the OM as well. A man of his character or lack there of should not be in command of men and women who serve this country so well.

Having said all of that, IF you actually told your H, and he wanted to try and rebuild this marriage, I and others would help you and him any way we can. Why? Your family deserves it even if you don't deserve them.

God Bless YOU,

JL

Dkerns,

Your situation is not very complicated at all. Its actually very simple. You have utterly failed at maintaining a marriage and a career based on integrity and honesty. You have disrespected the uniform you wear(yes, I served too) and the man you chose to love and marry.
I honestly can't think of why you came to this site. This subforum is dominated by betrayed spouses looking for info on putting their life back together and you come here and post a long paragraph about how unfair your lover has treated you in a 6 year affair! Talk about a slap in the face to everyone here. And then you caveat it with "Oh yeah, I feel horrible about what I have done to my family".

The tone of your whole post puts the lie to the last 3 sentences. You don't come across as the least bit apologetic or remorseful.

Tell your husband the truth immediately. If you are truely interested in repairing your marriage, you need to start respecting your husband and let him make the choices that are in his best interest. Its quite clear that you haven't had his best interests at heart for a very long time.

Trying to hide it would just be yet another deception in a long line of deceptions. Give him all the information and let him be he one to decide whether you are worth keeping.

If you are serious about atoning for your misdeeds, lay it all out and let him see how deeply flawed you have been these last 6 years and go from there. Whether he takes you back or not, you will at least be on the road to regaining your own self-respect.

DK,

Well.

First of all, it is obvious that the majority here are telling you that you have to tell your husband about the affair.

That is the no-brainer.

You do not have a marriage based on trust or honesty unless you tell him.

Next, the idea that this OM had any respect or love for you has been revealed as a fantasy. You were nothing more than a convenient booty call to him, something "different" from his wife, something on the side, a little excitement. It would be an important second step for you to tell his wife about your affair with him, because she has a right to decide for herself whether or not she stays with him. And apologize to the depths of your soul for the hurt, pain, anguish, and destruction you have done to her life. No one deserves the nuclear bomb you have thrown her direction - and you will see that soon enough in the eyes of your husband.

Whether you tell him or not, he will find out. It is easier if you tell him. Trust me. I found out, and it would have made all the difference if my husband had told me instead.

(really would have made all the difference if he had told me how he was feeling BEFORE he did it, so I could have prevented it)

And your husband has that right to decide for himself whether or not he wants to stay with you.

IF he decides to stay with you, he NEEDS this information, so the marriage can be fixed, and made better, and be armored against you doing this AGAIN - because unless you tell him and you two work together to FIX things the right way - you WILL DO THIS AGAIN.

See, without this information, your husband has NO CHANCE to make any changes within himself to fix whatever was his part of what was wrong in the marriage prior to your affair in the first place.

And doesn't he at least deserve the chance to make things better? Doesn't he deserve the truth about his own life and marriage?

YOU, however, OWN 100% OF THE DECISION TO HAVE THIS AFFAIR.

It is NOT your husband's fault that you decided to have sex with this other man.

While your marriage may not have been what you wanted it to be, you could have chosen to work on it, to make changes, to talk with your husband, to search for ways to improve it, and to WORK on things within YOURSELF and as a team with your husband to improve the marriage.

Instead, you chose to talk to another man, and then sleep with him.

That did not improve the marriage, did it?

Now, the shiny fantasy bubble has burst, and the other man has grown tired of you.....probably has another other woman.

Which is what happens, because your other man isn't working on his marriage, either.

And he will do it again and again and again.

As will YOU

If you do not take steps to save the marriage you have right now

By telling your husband,
Getting help through this website,
Working on YOUR OWN faults and shortcomings
Working together to meet one another's emotional needs,
and figuring out how to make your marriage better.

Why don't you start by reading this website information?

And get the book, Surviving an Affair, and read it?

Then, once you have figured out that your affair is pretty much not-so-special after all, and that you CAN recover your marriage (but it isn't going to be easy or painless!!), let's move forward with recovery.

But first, stop talking to that creep.

Talk to your husband. Talk to him like you just met him. Remember what that was like? When you respected him and you really LISTENED to what he said? Try that for awhile.

Hi Dkerns,

You're getting some good advice here, but I suspect that it's not the advice that you were wanting to hear.

If you are reading this, please consider what we're saying here.

If you want ANY chance at rebuilding your M, the only way you are going to even begin to do so is to confess this A to your H, and to the "commander's" wife.

You have now put yourself in a situation where you must now choose between your family and your career, because if you confess now, I can almost assure you that your chain of command will find out and that will be the end of your military career and of your "commander"...

If you think you can 'hide' this from your H or that your "commander" (I put him in quotes because in my eyes, he is nothing more than a sexual predator that has absolutely NO business commanding troops who are dedicated to the security of our nation) can keep this from his W forever, then you are sadly mistaken.

Take our word for it... they WILL find out eventually, and when they do, you won't think that your H is so 'wonderful'... and I suspect that when your kids are older, they won't think very highly of their mom for sleeping around on their dad, either...

The choice is up to you... confess all and POSSIBLY have a chance at rebuilding your M and lose your military career; or continue to hide the A at the expense of your family...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Actually Dkerns,

This advice is about saving YOU. I don't know how many years you have in, but in 10 more years or so when you look back you will find that your affair taints all that you might have done well in your career. Why? Because you have lacked honor, you know inside that you are not someone to be respected. In short, you stopping this affair, examining why you seem to do it with little remorse and have done it for 6 years while being married to another man, and giving this man a chance to find a wife that actually wants and respects him are your only shots at coming through life with some sense of accomplishment.

What a waste. I do hope you think this through.

God Bless,

JL

Guys,

You're just wasting your time. This poster just wanted a pity party that her affair partner is treating her like dirt (newsflash). She had no intention of working on her marriage and left the second that we proposed she tell her husband. She is a coward who would rather lie and hide than face the consequences or admit her own personal failings. I just hope the lives of your husband and children can recover from the damage your continued deception will cause them. Good riddance.

What irkes me the most about this post is the fact that there's an "officer" out there somewhere charged with leading our young men and women who isn't fit the wear the uniform...

I have zero tolerance for anyone that would use his position as an "officer" to better himself at the expense of his troops.

I hope they are both exposed and thrown out of the military.

Semper Fi,

RIF