Adam?

Are you reading and listening to what Melody has written to you? Your WW ("wayward wife" because that is what she is) is manipulating you.

She has been caught. She has an STD dude. How do you suppose she got it. A toilet seat?????

Try to see beyond the emotional aspect of your situation. What would you be telling a friend of yours if he were in your shoes? Think about it.

What your wife is saying regarding divorcing you due to lack of trust is very typical of a cheater who has been caught.

SHE is the one who is UNTRUSTWORTHY.

And BTW, I do not believe for a second this was a one night stand (ONS). An OM doesn't take the trouble to call up a BH if it was only a one night thing. I firmly believe there is much more involvement to this story, although it may not be just one OM.

Have you bought the book "Surviving an Affair" yet? Please do so.

Keep posting, we're here to help you.

Jo

Thanks Resilient,

I think Adam has some very misunderstood notions about the implication of an STD.


I'm thinking Adam thinks you catch an STD like one would catch a cold. Adam, I know you are young, but you must begin to realize there is only one way to "catch" an STD. It is through sexual contact with an infected sexual partner. You understand that right?

I only ask because you declared there was no affair in your first post and a moment later, said your WW contracted an STD. You do realize these two statements are not compatible, right?

If you truly don't understand it's OK, do some research on the CDC site and gain more knowledge.

Time to get off the spot your sitting on, IMHO.
You need to take more control of the sitch. I would reccomend plan B at this point, but my reservation is that you have not done a good enough job of plan A first.

Lets's go back to exposure, in an effort to break up your WW's A, in the hope that she might come home. You can do a much better job of plan A if she is at home with you. Thus, the biggest part of plan a right now for you is to bust up the A and get WW to move home. Can't imagine how you can show her any improvement in yourself as she lives with in an appartment by herself.

Choice is yours, M is very young and to be honest, if it were me at this juncture, i would D and move on. You deserve better.


All Blessings,
Jerry

Well I should have clarified everything. I do not trust the woman one bit. I understand the whole STD concept. I never got it from her (thank god) and I can 100% guarantee that she did not get it from me, as she was the first and only sexual partner I have ever had. Thats the morals I was raised with, I wanted to wait till I "found" what I thought was my "ideal" soulmate before engaging in sexual contact. ****** it took me almost 3 months to build up the courage to kiss her for the first time.

I told her that I would not participate in the D at all as that was her choice and that was what she wants. She went to office depot and picked up their $40 DIY divorce kit. I said fill it out and if it is fair I would sign. I took care of financial assets as well as my personal vehicles (all 7 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) as well long ago. That was yesterday. She has yet to fill them out. Sadly I think I know where this is gonna go.....She wont fill them out, bla bla bla, and will beg for forgiveness and bla bla bla. Something I will not do.

I lost all form of respect for her as a person. I lost every ounce of feeling I had for her. She could beg all she wants, but I will never get over that. Wise man said you can forgive but you cant forget. With that said, I have not made a single effort to contact her since I left for my vacation last week on wednesday. Every form of communication between the 2 of us has been and will continue to be her effort and choice. I really just do not care about her in ways I used to.

She tried several times to contact me today where I neglected to answer or even acknowledge she was a part of my life. Finally later this evening, she says "so you wont talk to me?" My response....and I quote what I sent to her as a text message; "You have made it very clear you dont want a relationship with me. I am trying to keep your failure to participate as a wife, as well as all the harsh things you have clearly done and said off my mind so as to not hate everything about you somewhere down the road. Let me know when you fill out the papers." That was around 7 pm this evening.

I am physically and emotionally done with this relationship. It was a great thing for the first 4 years, but its in my best interest to move forward with my life. life goes on, everything happens for a reason.

Her std is herpes by the way. There is a slim chance of her getting it from a different source, but from my understanding (as i have had almost a year to research) you have a etter chance of getting struck by lightning.

Adam,


Given your age, the fact that there are no children involved, the length of your marriage, and your WW's basic Liaise faire attitute towards your marriage, I agree with you on this one.

You need to take your time and find someone who can share your moral standards and beliefs. Apply what you have learned here. Despite what we see here, I do believe that there are still many around who can be faithful in a marriage.

Who

OK Adam,
Thanks for the clarification. It seems you do truly understand what has happened and continues unabatted to this point. You had me seriously wondering from the start when you declared there had been no affairs. I think you made others here wonder as well.

You now think that you are done with this M and that is your choice and only your choice. You are the BS, and no one here on this forum will fault you for making such a choice.

Having said that, I wonder how good a plan a you might have done without the benefit of MB and its priciples. If I'm not mistaken, you just found this site very recently. Again, your choice and only your choice, but we have witnessed here situations even worse than yours(I know that sounds impossible) that have been completely turned around and recovered their M. You may want to think about this just a while longer. Maybe not, I don't know.

But if you are goin plan B now, do it right. Plan B does not mean ignoring WW and then ripping off a text msg to her. It means setting up an intermediary through who all forms of communication must be filtered through. You would have to pick someone with true wisdom and discernment to do this.

Let us know which way you wish to proceed. Many here can help and assist you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

All Blessings,
Jerry

I'll be honest in saying that I just registered recently, however found this site about a year ago. i read up mainly in the divorcing/divorced index, as that is where I had imagined this was leading.

She is the one that is adamant about the D. I have lost a lot of everything I ever felt for her, but it is still her choice. She has not acted on anything yet, but given her lack of contribution to the marriage during the last 6 months of separation, what hope should i have that she will try towards it anytime soon? Im ready to move forward. I tried everyday over the last 6 months to work towards the marriage and getting her to live with me again. As I watched her do absolutely nothing to help, I started to look at myself and what I want.

Hi Adam,
I saw your reply and therre is not much I can diaagree with. Instead, I'm just throwing out some alternatives that you can consider or reject completely. It will not hurt my feelings either way, OK?


Yet in your last post it seemed that you were in a simular place. That's OK if that's what you final decision is, again, nobody would fault you for this. I'm just wondering if given the right set of circumstances, things could be different. If I'm barking up the wrong tree, it's OK to tell me so.

One thing though, regardless of where this ends up, you will have to eventually forgive your WW. That doesn't mean you will ever forget, and it doen't mean reconciliation is in your furture. But God commands that you forgive her, regardless of the rest. Hope you understand this.

So here's an alternative; you go to plan b and do it right with an intermediary, and you wait and rest in the Lord, to see where this takes you? You see, God allows D to the BS of an unfaithful S, but it is not His first and best plan for the two of you. He may have other plans, but, if you act to hastily, you may never see this. I dunno, what do you think your capable of?

Plan B is about protecting the love you have left for your WS, before you come to actually hate her. Plan B can give you the peace you desire, while you wait for God to go to work. Want to turn this over to HIM? It will cost you nothing but a little patience. In the mean time, you do nothing. How easy is that?

Consider everthing and don't let your anger rule your judgement. This may not be over yet. At lest consider doing nothing. BE STILL.

All Blessigs,
Jerry

I do not want the divorce. I want to see her try before I try again. I worked hard for a very long time to change all my faults, she sat by and did nothing to contribute. I still love her for all that we had and shared together, but it will take some serious work on both parties for me to have those strong feelings again.

I have started plan B albeit a little differently. I am giving her until she finishes filling out the D forms to see any changes or improvements or effort to work with me. She has had them over 2 full days now, and I know for a fact they have not even been looked at.

When I say I am ready to move forward, I just wish to move forward with my individual life if thats where it goes. I have focused a lot of attention on work, friends, and family. I go out, spoil myself with massages, play with my dogs in the park, just stuff to ease my mind.

Hi Adam,



Of course all of this is true. You have a right as a BS to some form of repentance and compensation for what yur WW is putting you through. No one is denying that. I feel your pain, I know, I went through it.It's horrible and should never be inflicted upon any of us. That's of course, if we lived in a perfect world. We both know better don't we?

So what do you think of plan B with an intermediary? could you find enough space there to be at peace? Could you give up your efforts and relinquish the rest to God? It may be your last and final hope.

Take the vacation time to find a quiet place and simply talk to God as a father. Ask Him what He would have you do at this point.

I think you will be surprised to know, He will answer you.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Like I said, I already implemented plan B. My version is a hair different. I do absolutely nothing. I wouldnt have an itermediary if I wanted anyway, so. We havent been in the state of tennessee long enough to have any really good mutual friends. I will sit back and wait to see what she does. Either way, I stand by my decisions.

Adam,

Your posts are confusing. One side says you don't want a D but you will give her until she fills out the D paperwork? What kind of timeline is that?

Btw, when you save move forward, how do you plan t/d that? Just asking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I dont want the D. She does. She has had this paperwork for 3 full days now, and they havent been pulled out of the wrapping. I think she will reconsider and shoot for a reconciliation, but refuse to move back in with me.....Her actions will speak louder than words. I wont work towards the relationship until she puts forth the effort. Her choice.

As far as moving forward. I am not sure. I wont do anything until she decides what she wants, I will not date until the D is final. I consider that still cheating. I will probably just take care of myself as I have and continue to enjoy the company of my friends and family until all things reside.

I dont want the D. She does. She has had this paperwork for 3 full days now, and they havent been pulled out of the wrapping. I think she will reconsider and shoot for a reconciliation, but refuse to move back in with me.....Her actions will speak louder than words. I wont work towards the relationship until she puts forth the effort. Her choice.

As far as moving forward. I am not sure. I wont do anything until she decides what she wants, I will not date until the D is final. I consider that still cheating. I will probably just take care of myself as I have and continue to enjoy the company of my friends and family until all things reside.

Adam,
Glad to see you are leaning on friends and family. It's great you have a support system in place to help you through this horrible time. Try to stay as calm as possible. This will help.

You said:
Adam this is unacceptable and will surely never lead to a recovered M. This would simply mean your WW continues to sit on the fence and refuse to commit to recovery. UNACCEPTABLE!

So what would recovery look like for you? If I could suggest a few things that are known to work;
Your WW must accept your boundary of NC with OM. This would be done in the form of a NC letter to OM that you view and approve of. There are examples here on this board. The YOU mail it to ensure it is delivered.

She must then agree to become completely transparrent to you as in; cell phone, computer, and her whereabouts at all times. In short, she must agree to your right to scrutinize her every move and all communications. This is how she rebuilds YOUR trust, not the other way around.

MC for both of you to discuss and resolve how and why the M became vunerable to an A in the first place. Unless and until you each recognize the problems, you have no clue how to fix them.

This is extremely difficult work Adam, and it's not for the faint of heart. The underlying theme is commitment and courage. Are you up for this?

Hope all is at least peaceful for the time being.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Adam, your choice, not hers. You have a the right to a divorce as I am convinced that your wife had "at least" a ONS, no real other way for her to contact a sexually transmitted disease.

You ARE also reacting to your "feelings" rather than your commitment as expressed in your wedding vows, so the "choice" to work at recovering your marriage and your wife is YOURS, not hers. You can do, and are responsible for, what YOU can do. She is likewise responsible for what she can do.

Others have mentioned faith and God's view of marriage, but you have not responded to any of that, so I am assuming that faith does not play a role in your lives. As such, you simply need to make a choice and stop "fence sitting" as your rationalization for appearing to take the "high road." Choose fighting for your marriage or divorcing, but choose. The ultimate outcome will be determined by the choices you BOTH make, but in recovering a marriage, at least ONE spouse must choose to fight. If you choose to "do your part in fighting for your marriage," then you also need to know that while it does take two people to have a marriage, they WILL approach recovery efforts along differing timelines. Recovery is not easy. Neither is divorce. To do nothing is to accept divorce as anything living (as in the one flesh entity of marriage) dies if it is not watered and cared for, and weeds fought however long it takes. It's just a matter of when when someone chooses "conflict avoidance" as the answer to difficult problems.

God bless.

D Papers still have not been filled out. Primary reason I choose not to fight for the marriage; I fought every single day during this entire separation. I put my heart and sole into every single day. I laid myself out there only for her to not even acknowledge my feelings or needs. I grew tired of crying. I grew tired of not knowing how she feels. I grew tired of being ignored.

I Do believe that god has a plan for each and every single person on this planet. I have faith that he will guide me along all my rights and wrongs. Everything happens for a reason.

If I continue to fight for the marriage, the likely hood of reconciliation is slim to none. She has made it very clear that she does not want to take on the role of being a wife. I want the marriage to work, but there is only so much one person can do. If I keep fighting for it like I have been, and she keeps ignoring it like she has been, why continue to fight? I dont want her to think I want the divorce, but I dont want to keep throwing myself out there for fear of continuing to be hurt. I cant make her see what I have done, she has to acknowledge it herself, she has to see (no matter how apparent) how much I want our marriage.

Adam, you need to understand that I am a Christian, so when I hear a response from you as you stated above, I do not see a born again believer in your words. I hear more of a "Karma" sort of belief.

So let's not "beat around the bush here." If we are going to talk about "God's will" or "God's plan," then you need to be clear about what you do believe about God. It does no good to be talking about different belief systems because there will be no common understanding or foundational beliefs on which to base such a discussion.

All I have been hearing from you is what have or have not done and what your wife has or has not done. For example, you read here for a year but did not post. You tried "Plan A" type changes in your behavior for 6 months but you've been essentially separated for 5 months, at least 3 of which have been physically separated. What is it that your wife has said that lead to her "falling out of love with you" after such a brief time being married?

You have made it perfectly clear that you are not really interested in any advice that might help you to save your marriage, be it basic MB advice or biblically based advice for believers. You are hurt, and that is understandable. But you reject everything anyone might say to you UNLESS they agree with you that you can divorce. You say you have no love left for your wife, yet you say you don't want a divorce? Why? Why would you marry someone, let alone attempt to rebuild a marriage with someone, who you do not love? I strongly suspect there is more to what is going on here that the "poor me" that you are presenting. What is it that you see caused your wife (who you say is not having an affair), to LEAVE you after being married for such a short amount of time?

So, just what DO you want from those who take their time to try to post to you and help you?

This what you have said, and said emphatically:

"She wont fill them out, bla bla bla, and will beg for forgiveness and bla bla bla. Something I will not do." "Will not" is a CHOICE. And it is equally obvious that you have arrived at that choice by way of an emotional response and "personal protective mode" because "it's taking too long for my 'until death do us part' wife to respond the way I want her to respond."

IF you do believe what you wrote in the first cited quotation, then WHY would God have a "plan" for you, much less every person on the planet? What would God's purpose be for such a "plan?"

Everything DOES happen for a reason(Cause and Effect), but that does NOT mean that God makes it happen and is the cause of sin and sinful behavior, so just what do you mean by "Everything happens for a reason," in the context in which you used it - that of God being the reason of everything that happens, and what would be His "reason" in your situation? What part might those who have been posting to you be, as part of "God's plan for you and your wife?"

This statement of your is interesting also; "I have faith that he will guide me along all my rights and wrongs." What EXACTLY does this mean to you? Are you saying that "because God will guide you" ANYTHING you do will be "right?" Or are you saying that God will guide into doing wrong things?