I have often wondered when watching other couples that I know if they have ever experienced infidelity.

Because Skirmisher's affair was already over on d-day, I didn't really have a reason to expose, although most members of our immediate family do know. Beyond that, no one really knows.

I do find myself wondering though, because based on the stats about half the people I know have probably experienced this h3ll.

It's funny that you can't really tell. I feel so different but outwardly, I'm the same.

Anyone else here think about this? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Who

I do. When over half of all marriages (so they say) have experienced infidelity I wonder how many people I know have been through it.

Not enough people really talk about it- so people assume they are the only ones, when in reality they are not.

I personally don't know of anyone in my circle of friends or my neighbors who has been affected by infidelity. I can say I often can tell when people are acting suspiciously, even if it's a stranger on a cell phone in a store. It's easy for me to spot body language and such, especially when a person thinks no one can see it is inappropriate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

LC

coachswife,

I kinda think the same thing. I know that my FWH and I have always been openly affectionate with each other, even while he was having his A. I don't think anyone would have imagined what he was up to since OW lived 3000 miles away and he pretty much restricted his activities with her to his out of town business travel.

Even then, he wouldn't take her out in public and made her hang out in the hotel while he attended social activities.

It is weird to look at folks and have to admit to myself, that many of the couples I know have probably experienced this.

Who

lifeschoice,

I know what you mean re being able to tell when someone you don't know is clearly cheating. That I usually do recognize.

Once, after d-day I was on a business trip and there was this lovey dovey couple on the airport shuttle with me. I figured they were married since he was wearing a wedding ring, but then she got off the shuttle at a different terminal.

The snake then proceeded to pull out his cell phone and call his wife. I wanted to kick him square in the *****

Who

Who,

Here's a twist for you...

Statistically about half of all marriages have been affected by infidelity by one or the other spouse.

According to Barna Research, the numbers among Evangelical Christians is almost exactly that of the population at large. That means that on any given Sunday morning as many as half the married couples in church pews have been affected by one or the other spouse having an affair.

Among church leaders, the numbers are actually higher than for the population at large (by about 3%). However, some have suggested that it may actually be more likely that while the numbers among church leaders are reported higher than for the rest of the world, the rest of the world may actually be more prone to LIE about it and therefore the percentages for the general population are actually too low!

In addition, knowing that many in leadership within the church can actually admit to an emotional attachment that is inappropriate as an affair (EA) more easily than those outside the church who often try to justify such things as "Just Friends," it may be misleading to state that church leaders are more prone to adultery than the population in general.

Almost daily I see on TV or read in the paper of a couple who is having some kind of problem, or in some cases one has murdered the other or one or the other has turned up missing. In nearly every case, marital difficulties are mentioned. My take on that is that one or the other was having an affair.

Can we tell by looking at people we know if they have been affected by infidelity? I don't know that answer. I do know that speaking purely of the plain old numbers that 60% of the men and 40% of the women have had an affair. And these numbers do not include EAs which are usually ignored by most people involved in them and most researchers as well.

Over half of all marriages in the US end in divorce (Last number I heard was 57%). In most cases, though adultery is not mentioned in court, statistically it is probably the root cause of the break-up of the marriage. Also not mentioned is the fact that marriage itself has been on the decrease since the mid-1960s. More people today simply live together or shack up than before the sexual revolution. With no marital assets to split legally, these couples simply part ways rather than going to court. So these numbers do not get reported as divorces at all in most states with the exception of those few "Common Law" states where divorce can be filed for by a common law spouse.

And then there are the statistics that point to how many marriages are affected by infidelity but do NOT end in divorce, those that recover or remain married in name only. When these numbers are compared to the ones concerning infidelity in general and the percentage of the population that get divorced, the idea that perhaps many more people have affairs than is actually admitted to in the statistics becomes a real possibility.

On the other hand it could be that 60% of the men are fooling around with 40% of the women and a handful of single gals looking for sugar daddies...

But I don't think so.

Maybe if we all actually talk about adultery, it will become less of a problem...Naw, that didn't work for terrorism.

Mark

I rarely wondered until D-day. After that, and exposing, people would tell me about their affairs. So now whenever I see a couple...YES, I wonder if they have been through infidelity. Like my parents neighbors....or i wonder if my friends' H are cheating on them and they not know it.

I found out this weekend that our new neighbor is another victim of infidelity. She just moved in about a month ago. Single lady, her kids are away at college. I didn't think too much about it. She must be in her mid-40's. Apparantly her H of 20plus years left her for a woman who had been married 9 other times! he married her, and became H #10!!

That was about 1 year ago - and his new M is all ready on the rocks. they are currently seperated. Why on earth would a man leave a wife of many years for a woman who was a 9 time loser? I will never understand.

Mark,


Funny that you should mention that because that is often where I look around me wondering, in church. And it is not only because I have personally been affected by infidelity, but also because of the statistics.

Before D-day, I thought FWH and I were in no way vulnerable and would never be a part of those daunting numbers.

It really is too bad that folks who are marrying simply choose to ignore the fact that they will probably will either be unfaithful or be cheated on. You wonder why we all didn't take steps to protect ourselves before it happened to us.

But then most of us just never dreamed that it would happen to us.

Who

Who,

Two things that are important about vulnerability to an affair...

1) We ALL are vulnerable.

2) We can only guard our own vulnerability.

Some may be more vulnerable than others because of their job or line of work (Why do you suppose so many actors have affairs while on location for months at a time?)

Some may be more susceptible to making bad decisions because of their own past or something that happened to them in their childhood or youth.

Some may be more vulnerable because of their lifestyle (Do you often go out drinking and dancing without your spouse?)

Some simply have made a habit of making bad choices in their life.

The website of Shirley Glass has 3 telling "Quizzes" to help identify vulnerabilities:

Relationship Vulnerability

Individual Vulnerability

Social Vulnerability

When combined with Dr Harley's "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders checklist, it can show just how hard it can be to remain faithful.

Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Mark

Before this happened to me, I didn't think about it at all, with the exception of really obvious cases. I even had a friend whose H regularly hit on her other friends (we were all sure he'd had more than one PA) and none of us ever said anything to her about it. I think about that now and cringe in horror at my inaction. I haven't seen her in over a decade so I have no idea whether they are still together or not.

Now, I think about it all the time. I also tend to (mis)interpret various actions by married men as inappropriate, though before this I wouldn't have thought twice about it. I do this at work, the grocery store, everywhere - evaluating friends, aquaintances and strangers alike. I have no idea if I have a knack for picking out who the cheaters are or not - not one of my speculations has ever been confirmed. But I just can't help myself.

This will be one of the things that stops me from getting into another relationship. Underneath it all, it's about trust - both the inability to trust someone else and the inability to trust my own judgement.

Who,

Not much time, but I have a true confession that is sorta related to this "did you ever wonder" topic.

2 years pre-A, when I was trying to find a justifiable way to get out of my miserable marriage, I tried to imagine my H having an A and it would not compute.

He was so PA, caustic, condescending....no other woman would want him.....or so I thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Of course, I had no idea that this Alien Fog could completely alter one's personality and create this romantic creature who suddenly did all the sweet, sentimental, sappy lovey-dovey things I craved......with another woman he never met.

That's why I was so calm the night of D-Day #1. I actually marveled that by my H's confession, I now had my justifiable reason to get out. (DS's challenge made me change my mind or we would be D'd now.)

It was not the way I had pictured it would be in my wonderings. But I think that's why after 2 more D-Days, it was easier for me to convey that I meant it when I gave up on D-Day #4 and told him to go live in his truck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ace

PS Coachswife....could you email me? Addy in profile. Thanks

Ace,

That is kind of interesting. I used to think of things that would "give me cause," too. I think I used to think that I was superior to Skirmisher, and although I believed that I was not outwardly portraying it, obviously I was.

He had some pretty annoying habits and somehow I failed to realize that I did too.

I honestly believed that he was "lucky" to have me in his life and that he should just become the person I wanted him to be.

I was pretty unreasonable and dumb to boot. Along came OW, who at the very least made Skirmisher feel like he was the perfect male specimin, the smartest man in the world, yada, yada, yada.

Don't know if she was sincere, we don't think so, but he believed her bull at the time.

Who

Ace,

I can relate to this. For years pre-A I sort of hoped my H would find a girlfriend. I despised him so much that I figured if he had a GF he wouldn't come to me for SF.

It was actually something I used as a justification for cheating on him. In my mind I sort of figured he felt the same way. He despised talking to me, so I figured he would be glad I was talking to someone else. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Wrongfully so, but it is what it is.

LC

Who,

re: Skirmisher becoming the man you wanted him to be...

Men marry women hoping that they never change.

Women marry men hoping that they WILL change.

Both of them are disappointed.

Mark

Mark,

Very true, but then, I didn't really know what I wanted him to be, just that he wasn't what I needed, or so I thought then.

Fact is, we are doing better than fine now and staying vigilent in meeting ENs and avoiding LBs, which we think, at least for us, are equally important parts of keeping those love banks full up.

Who

WOW. Weird that I came across this thread b/c I have often thought about this!
I often think about how many people I had fooled about my second life and just wonder how many others have people fooled as well. You just never know. My husband chose not to expose my As to anyone given they had ended 5 years prior to my confession. But, I can just about guarantee that if anyone knew, their jaw would drop to the floor so fast it'd make your head spin!

I know now that I am very quick to notice boundary crossing with friends or general public.. Hubby & I just think to ourselves... "you're playing with FIRE!!"

I also noticed a couple who met in a parking lot. They pulled in a shady area and the woman got in the mans truck... both cars were from different counties. It just sickened me.. I just wanted to go screaming at them. If you had any idea what this is going to cause, you'd STOP right now!
I think a problem too is how TV tends to dramatize affairs. And, it's on every TV show... and it doesn't even do justice to the aftermath of affairs. Especially on Soaps... they make it seem like everything is all shiny happy afterwards. WRONG.
Anyway.. just my 2 cents.

Oneflesh

Who,

I have tried to explain the LB$ to people and have pointed out that meeting ENs alone is not enough. The top Love Buster can deplete the account rapidly. But there is also "overhead" in any relationship that takes away love units just by the existence of the relationship itself. I have described this as "maintenance fees."

But no matter how hard you try to make deposits if you love bust later, you can empty the account pretty quickly.

It only takes 1 "Aweshit" to wipe out 10000 "Attaboys" as we used to say in the nuke plants.

Oneflesh,

I find it amazing how quickly I can now spot an affair, even an EA, in the making when I was able to once ignore what was going on in my own home. But at the same time, my W's recent A I was able to see within days as something seriously wrong and within 45 days of it's beginning I had uncovered it and began to expose it after confronting her.

Now I watch the news and hear of a breakup of a marriage and think "One is having an affair." Or I watch a TV show and someone is murdered and I say "The husband did it because she was sleeping with someone else."

It takes the mystery out of the murder mysteries for me. It's no mystery at all; adultery can have dire consequences.

Mark

I wonder too. Most people we knew (minus the workplace OW) thought WH and I had a great marriage. Most were shocked when I exposed WH's infidelities. So I don't know if I can accurately guess which couples I know have had infidelity problems that they've kept secret.

I do know of many infidelities among family and friends that were exposed eventually. I also see suspicious behavior, red flags and/or stupid steps leading that can lead to adultery all the time with people, especially with their coworkers. Apparently many workplaces are breeding grounds for adultery and most people fail to see how some seemingly harmless habits are risky.

Tonight as I drove home from a church board meeting I was sitting at a stop light and along side was a Mustang GT convertible with the top down and the stereo up. The stereo was blasting away with something from Christina Aguilera. What struck me was the driver. She was about 50 or so, had "blond" hair that needed a touch-up around the roots, which showed clear signs of gray.

She was singing along with Christina and looked just like the teenage girls I used to pursue back in the days when I was young and we would cruise the local drive-in. The only trouble was that she wasn't a teenager any more and hasn't been for some time. Considering the license plate, three letters, then three more and the number 75, the last letter of each group being the same, my guess is that she is married, got married in 1975 and is an affair looking for a place to happen. The car pulled into a new subdivision and as it left the highway the stereo suddenly began playing a talk show and the volume was quickly reduced.

I drove past as she turned into her driveway, the door opener opening the garage to reveal a Dodge pick-up truck, I thought to myself, "Can you say midlife crisis?"

To paraphrase the announcer from the old TV show "The Adventures of Super Chicken": They're everywhere. They're everywhere!

Mark