I was reading CV55’s thread about raising the bar in recovery and it got me to thinking. Uh-oh. I’ve been really down all day but haven’t shared with anyone about why. Here goes.

We have had several major plumbing and air conditioning issues with the house we’re renting every since we moved in (third house in 3 years). No one had lived here for years before our landlord bought it and renovated the house. Each time our landlord has sent someone to do the repairs but only after we went 2-5 days at a stretch waiting. This past weekend our air conditioning unit started leaking in the hallway soaking the brand new carpet. We called the landlord and he FINALLY showed up last night to take a look at it. Our landlord’s first comment when he walked in was “it’s cold in here.” DH and I both thought (but didn’t say) like, yeah, so, we pay the bills, what does that matter? I guess he thought we were overtaxing the unit.

After he left my DH was bitching about how frustrated he was about the house. I made the comment, “well that’s what you have to put up with when you’re a tenant.”

DH immediately got defensive and said, “It’s not my fault that we’re renting.” I was dumbfounded and didn’t know what to say. I just thought (and I guess my face expressed it), “well actually it is.” As most of you know we lost our home to foreclosure during my DH’s affair. The more I thought about it the more angrier I got. Later, I told him, “It certainly WAS your fault. Our mortgage lender was willing to work with us but you wouldn’t have any part of it.” DH said, “I didn’t care back then but I can’t believe you’re bringing up the past. How dare you.” What???

We didn’t speak the rest of the evening. I was in tears. All that old hurt and pain came rushing back. I thought about where we were now and how we got here. We’re renting a house and are at the mercy of our landlord. We have DH’s 14-year old nephew living with us because I agreed to rescue him with my DH shortly after we reconciled. He was living in a foster home in another state when DH’s brother pleaded with us to help. I know now that it was the worse possible time for us to take on someone else’s problems when we were barely recovering. At the time, I just wanted to please my DH and do something good for someone else. I’m working full-time. My DH is attending Bible School full-time and doing small jobs on the side. My 22 year-old son also lives with us. He works and pays part of the utilities. We’re struggling financially. It would be so much easier if it was just DH and me living in a small place. Instead, we’re in a huge house with big utility bills.

This morning when we got up I went to him and told him I was sorry I hurt him. He said he was sorry too. And now we just go on. I’m sure we won’t discuss anything that happened. I almost feel like we went back 10 steps in our recovery because of this one small argument. I’ve begun to question things about my life. I also just turned 50 this year and that hit me hard.

I guess my question is, was I wrong for saying what I said? Was my DH’s response as foggy as I thought it was? Did I just settle when I took him back? Am I nuts? Why do I feel this way?

I do not think you were wrong at all....you held up a mirror and he ignored the obvious truth.
I believe his response was foggy and caused me concern when I read it.
As far as settling...I can't answer that...but I have seen many here do just that...but I will tell you that your FWH just doesn't seem to get it and that would make me feel like I settled. Now the "stay married at all costs" crowd around here will see this differently...but I would not feel good about my choice after that interaction.

Princess,

I can see a different side of this. Maybe he recognized that he had caused the situation before it even occurred to you. It could be that his anger is towards himself and is simply spilling out....some of it splashing on you.

My FWH was an absolute dumb a$$ to have gotten involved with his OW. Mostly he regrets hurting me but I think that he is still also embarrassed at being such a dummy. I can only imagine that he would be in a real bad way if on top of everything else, he had come close to ruining us financially.

I count my blessings that other than the cost of MC, which was needed anyway, my FWH's A didn't hurt us in that way.

Who

PM:

Nice LoveBuster there.

Even if it was true.

Move.

Buy someplace.

Send your nephew on his way.

Ask your son to move out. He's 22.

Your H is in school and working.

See all the pressures. Both on YOU and HIM.

How much real POJA went into the above decisions?

Nephew
Son
Bible School
This House.

Yes, your still paying the bill on your H's Affair.

It got you to this house, but some of the other things creating stress in your life may have nothing to do with it.

You needed to just let him vent. Pointing out that it was "all his fault" didn't help did it?

And when someone is emotionally charged about something else, throwing another log on the fire never helps.

Did you go back 10 steps in recovery because of this?

Maybe. How would you like to recover those steps?

Disconnect the problem with this A/C unit and this house from the other issues. There may be connections, but they are alot more tenous then it might have appeared yesterday. And your H obviously presumed you were drawing the direct link.

AND that is a difficult conversation to have.

H:

I'm sorry about yesterday. The heating system issues are not your fault. You have been doing what you need to be doing for that, and I thank you.
Why we are here is a different issue, and I feel, like I have told you in the past "how do you feel and what HAVE you said in the past?" about it.
But we are here now, working towards a better future, and I am glad your here. I would be in a much worse place without you.

PM

Thanks Who. You know I didn't even think about that AT THE TIME. I was so surprised at his reaction and then I reacted.

Ouch. I was going to say that I honestly didn't mean anything by it when I said what I said, but I guess down deep I really did want to stick him with it.


We've actually been talking about this. We're pressuring nephew's dad to make other arrangements. We've both had it with that situation.


You're right. On the way to the train this morning I asked him if he was alright with school. That it seems like he's not as enthusiastic this semester. He said, "I've got pressure at home this time." My response to that was no response.


No. In fact it did a lot of harm... to both of us.


I don't know. I truly feel bad about making this bigger than it should have been. I guess we need to sit down and talk this out as you suggested (the outside pressures). We definitely need time to ourselves without those pressures.

Thanks LG

But it really wasn't my place to "hold up a mirror". Not unless my own reflection was flawless. It isn't and it wasn't.


If this was his reaction EVERY time to EVERY thing, I would agree. But my DH has done a lot up until this one incident to prove to me that he does get it. That's why I was so surprised.


I think it's more like the "stay married at certain costs" crowd of which I'm a part. There ARE costs to marriage. We all flub up every now and then. I would never think of bolting because of a single interaction like this. It just made me wonder and doubt. And I know exactly where those kinds of thoughts and doubt come from.

No marriage is perfect and happy 100% of the time. There will always be trials. It's how we chose to deal with those trials that makes or break the marriage. We've been together 30 years in September. We choose to love each other every day. When I say things like I did yesterday, it wasn't coming from a place of love. Neither was his reaction.

We'll talk and work this through. I understand my mistake.

And... I have decided after reading all these replies that I have NOT settled. If I had settled, I would be divorced right now.

well, I am glad you worked all that out for yourself.

LG, just thought you'd appreciate an update of sorts. Since this thread, DH and I have moved into a small more affordable townhome, sent nephew to live with someone else and youngest son is looking for his own place. You were right. It's like a 1000 pounds have been lifted off of us. We're actually having fun and behaving like newlyweds.

Thanks for your 2x4. It was needed, noted and implemented.

Meggy,

Just wanted to say how glad I am that things are going more smoothly for you. Great changes!!!

Also glad to see you back posting again. Missed you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PM...

Excellent news!!! You rock!!!

Mrs. W