You only go to plan B when YOU are ready. Do you know what plan B is for and for who?

L.

At times I feel I am ready for Plan B then I am weak and try to be nice again. I went out today and saw the OW so I know for sure she isn't with my H. So, who knows who he is with and why he was somewhat dressed up with cologne on. I want to ask him but then who knows if he would lie to me again. I just feel like everything is about him and when it is convenient for him is when he would work on us. How can I get him to committ to US? He keeps talking about it but no action. I know Plan B is absolutely no contact with him. It is hard cause we have a son together. Sometimes I just don't know if he really wants to be married, though he says he doesn't want the divorce. It seems he enjoys his freedom and when he does have the kids he is there for them but when he doesn't, he goes out and does his thing. I am sick of the lip service and no action on his part. Looking at this discussion forums, at least some H make and effort to work it out but my H isn't doing anything (yet). He knows about our divorce and just wasting valuable time to see if we will work or not. I am just really frustrated. I want to just throw in the towel and just move on. I think that the only way he will change is that we get a divorce and have him experience a loss. Don't know what is the best. I do want him back but don't at the same time. I don't want him back if he isn't over his A, but then I do cause I want the time together to work on things. He justs says that he will be ready "soon."

U R NOT ready for plan B. Plan B is NOT about motivating him it is about preserving your love for him by removing yourself from the sick WS and A game.

T/d a good plan B, your mind and heart must be in sync which means you can't be weak in the mind or the heart.

What are youd personal and M boundaries? Go define them and come back.

If you execute a type of plan B before you are ready, it will back fire and set you back on your recovery.

Child or no child a BS c/d a good plan B. I have 1 son and we did plan B only allowing communication about mail, $$ and child visitation. I had SIL & BIL be the go between, e-mails and vm were allowed only on those subjects.

What that taught both of us was that we (his family) learned to live w/o him but he could not live without us so HE had t/b the one to make the changes. My plan A was done. I had improved enough t/b content with my atittude and status. Whatever minor flaws I maintained were NO excuse for his having an A. So from there I went into plan B.

L.

I want him to have NC with other women. I go with him on all errands, even if it is work related but I wait in the car. This will help us spend time and get my trust back. He needs to go to ind. counseling, then we both need MC. He need to get tested for STDs. He is completely honest with me at all times, not be alone with opposite sex. I think these boundaries are understandable and obtainable. Is this what you mean though? This is what will help us and me regain trust.

I think he might be seeing someone else now. I went over to his apartment late to drop off cookies and he wasn't there. Still on his "fishing,boating trip" where he wore cologne. LOL. I am really going crazy. I want to just say that I am done. If he isn't committed then we just need to move forward with the divorce. Then, I feel I just shouldn't say anything and let his guilt sink in cause he is doing things wrong and just not say anything to him but short conversations about our son. Any ideas?

Those that don't know, I've been married six years. My husband had three affairs (flings) in the past four years of marriage and now has (had?) ongoing affair. He said he stopped the affair. However, he said he is not ready to come back to the house until he feels 100% ready. He doesn't want to hurt me. As stated in previous post, he came over yesterday with lip service. He said he was going boating with a friend but was dressed up with cologne. He was gone all night, according to his brother, and texted me this morning stating he was out of town and needed to get away. What a bunch of BS. I think he is seeing another women besides this OW he has been having an affair.

I don't deserve this. I am a good christian woman and have forgiving him and let him back in my life. He keeps walking all over me. We have a divorce pending too. I can't do this. He is driving me crazy. He is not commited and has showed me no action. I bet he will contact me tonight, he usually does when he doesn't have anything to do or alone or when the guilt sinks in. I don't even want to talk to him and think I am ready for Plan B. Nothing seems to work. I want him back in the house so we can fix our problems yet I don't want him back if he is continuing to mess up. I can't trust him, I fear I could get an STD, and I'm pregnant. I always get hurt by him and he doesn't care. He said he isn't ready but wants to date me. Walkingbeauty said that we shouldn't date if he is not back in the house which is true cause he will just go off with someone else next. He hasn't come to me and say we should go to counseling or he'll move back and we can fix our problems. I just don't know if I should just not talk to him and not tell him how I feel. Or just go to Plan B faithfully. Then, I just feel like I need to move on with my life. If I am just staying in the marriage for my kids that isn't good either. He is setting such a bad example and they don't need to see their mother always wondering and worrying where her husband is. I really don't think he will change until he hits rock bottom. I keep enabling him and so I feel we should get the divorce and if we are meant to be together then we will in the future. Any thoughts? Have you ever just been at the point where enough is enough? That is where I am.

"There are days I just don't think this marriage will ever work and using the divorce to protect myself. Then, there are days when I look at my kids and want to work things out."

Girl you gotta get a Plan and stick to it regardless of the drama, feelings, fears, rollercoaster-ride du jour.

If you're in Plan A then stop expecting him to make an immediate decision or else; and stop hoping for the best each time he makes nice gesture and promise only to be angered and upset when you once again realize he was lying and using you. BTW, don't let him use you as a booty-call just by saying what you want to hear... then he's off to OW for a booty-call there after telling her what she wants to hear... Set a time limit for yourself for Plan A or some sort of indicator, what Dr. Phil would call a 'deal-breaker', to determine when you go to Plan B. Do NOT tell WH about your limit as this will just be interpreted by him as permission to enjoy cake-eating until then! Then stick to Plan A regardless of what WH says or does. You're being reactionary, allowing him to influence your behavior and feelings. You need to get your own agenda girl and FAST! Do the best, most consistent Plan A you possibly can.

Then when it's time to go to Plan B you go completely dark with the confidence that you already gave it your best shot with a great Plan A. That way you will be less tempted to break Plan B before your WH is really ready to make a committment and stop cake-eating. Then go dark - as somebody here once told me you know to go night-vision-dark! No waffling, no giving him another chance without him meeting all requirements, no letting him tell you what you want to hear just to get back together briefly... When he tries to contact you to try to talk you into stopping Plan B you do NOT allow him to have contact with you until no contact letter is delivered to OW. Set a time limit for yourself of how long you will Plan B before divorcing him. But again, don't tell your WH how much time he has to continue the adultery.


"I don't know what he really wants."

Yes you do. He wants to go back and forth between you and the OW. He wants you both and doesn't want to have to choose.

"He says he doesn't want the divorce"

He says whatever it takes to keep stringing you along. Most likely he's telling OW he DOES want the divorce.

"but knows there are alot of problems but he doesn't seem to take any initiative to solve our problems"

Of course he doesn't want to solve any of the problems! If he did he would be depriving himself of his excuses for having OW. And he's probably telling OW he wishes the divorce would happen sooner... but he's not doing anything to make it happen sooner... because he would then be depriving himself of the excuse he tells her for having contact with you.

The ambivalence adulterers complain about is pretty darn convenient and self-serving IMHO. The end of the ambivalence would mean the end of his cake-eating, and more than anything or anyone else THAT is what he really wants: to have two women.

Get in Plan A and stay there long enough to ensure the effectiveness when you go to Plan B. YOUR ambivalence about getting with the Plan A and sticking to it until it's time to go to Plan B (and then STICK to Plan B) is being exploited by him. You simply have to STOP waffling and reacting to his cues!

"he said he is not ready to come back to the house until he feels 100% ready"

I was married to a serial adulterer for 25 years - 7 A's (that I know of). Even when/if he eventually feels ready to come home this time there will be more OW's in the future unless you take a firm stand now. Do a Plan A and then a Plan B!

"He doesn't want to hurt me."

The #1 thing he wants is to be an adulterer, ALL other concerns are less priority to him. It doesn't really matter if he claims he doesn't want to hurt you if he then continues to hurt you. Stop listening to his fog-talk, excuses, lies, promises, sweet-talk, whatever... Stop focusing on him and what he says he wants, and what he's doing with OW, and what he claims he feels for you, and what he might decide... Plan A and Plan B - DO IT!!!

Perhaps you need to review Plan A principles, why you do it, how you do it.

You seem to expect an immediate committment from your husband because of your Plan A actions.

You read too much into any littl sign of improvement form him only to be disappointed again.

He will assume any Plan A improvements you have made are only temporary, dishonest, and manipulative if he suspects that you are only doing these things to get him to dump OW.

Your expectations are interfering with your Plan A effectiveness. Unless you do a consistent Plan A you will have even less effectiveness and consistency with your Plan B.

I have consistently told my husband without angry outburst, selfish demands, or disrespect that I want to solve our problems and meet his EN's. I stated that I understand how difficult it is for him and that he is going through withdrawal. Two times he has said to me that he ended things. However, my concern is that he is with a different women now. I do not know for sure. He was out all night last night. I know he wasn't with OW cause I saw her later that day.

Please help me implement a Plan A. I feel that I can give him 3 weeks. If nothing changes, then Plan B and that will be easy to do because by then we will be closer to going to court for the divorce. My problem is that I react to everything he does. I get my hopes up and then he crushes them with lies, etc.

I feel he will contact me tonight and I do not know what to say to him. I know he was out all last night. When he was over yesterday he just kept asking me to "be nice to him." He knows how I feel and I know how he feels. So, why should we talk about it anymore until he can committ. I feel I should just let him talk to our son and not talk about us. I will not contact him either regarding us or emailing him. I know he does not like that and I need to leave him alone but be amicable. He knows I am weak, forgiving, nice, etc. I need to set boundaries and be firm. I need help with that. How can I do that while implementing Plan A and showing him no anger or LBs? Sometimes I just want to scream at him and tell him how much he has hurt me. Thanks so much. Somestimes I feel like I am in the fog too and need someone to slap me.

Regaining your trust is something he has t/d on his own. You can't monitor or help him. That's cheating and it isn't sincere.

Pull back before it blows up in front of you. Expect him to be with a real stinky (another OW). You go do your homework and identify your personal and M boundaries.

No threats, this needs to be legitimate, legal and sincere.

L.

I was over at my sister-in-laws with my 4 year old son. H, drops off his nephew and stops in and sees our 4 year old son. I get a text later that day asking when we are going to sit down and talk about the divorce and visitation with our son. Then he says that I am turning our son against him. I didn't talk to him all weekend and he is asking this. He called and called and texted again. I didn't respond cause I did not want to fight. He emailed me at work and saying the same thing and I don't understand how he felt that I was turning our son against him.

Anyway, I really wanted to be angry, but I sent him a email stating that I loved him and other things about the divorce. I just asked him to write down what he wants. Then I texted him and told him that I loved him too. He called me after work and was saying how I was turning our son against him because when he saw him our son didn't go right up to him and didn't hug him. Then he continued saying that he had such a bad day that his A is definitely over for sure with this OW cause she is causing problems at his work and threatening him. I just said, "you made your bed." Then, I tried to not talk and he just said, "I"m not going to chase you around." Like he was still upset at me yet upset about how OW is threatening his job probably. Part of me is really happy that he is going through this and glad he is getting what he deserves. Then, part of me wonders if I should take advantage of this situation and try to be a comforting wife to help him as part of Plan A. Yet, I don't want to make him think that I would take him back any second cause he could be weak again and go back to OW too. What should I do in this situation? Should I just let him suffer his consequence of this A, or show him that I am still there for him?

I really need to be the Devil's advocate here, but you do realize that your husband is a serial cheater, correct?

The odds are strongly in favor of him doing this to you for the rest of you life, should you choose to stay with him. A person that has a one-time affair, usually never does it again, especially after they have left the fog and realize the destruction and false reality they projected. A serial cheater, however, doesn't learn this lesson. They do it over and over again, thriving on the initial 'lust' stages of new relationships and the emotions and thrill they get out of it. After a few months or a couple years, they move on, because they need a new person to reinstill these feelings and excitment.

I realize that you can interpret these boards with being dedicated to 'saving marriages', but saving the marriage is not always the best thing for the BS to do (in some opinions, of course).

If you really want to save this marriage, part of your plan B requirements must be that he get direct independent and couple counseling for this problem. Even then, it's far from guaranteed that he will stop this cycle.

On a side note: You are still trying to communicate with your husband as if he weren't a completely different person.

You need to realize that as long as he is in an affair, his speech and behavior will never make sense. He will babble rediculous and illogical phrases like a cheap Furby. He will do things to make you jealous (like wearing cologne to go fishing) in order to get a ego stroke.

You will reach a point where you give up and/or go into plan B. You'll know when you reach that point.

Tough call. I think you should do Plan B actually. I mean if the affair just got over, you never know if it'll start up again because he and OW has cooled off. Still (when you get the chance) say you would like to save the marriage but you need to do you for a while. If he's not willing to wait, he wasn't really worth it anyway because now you know what kind of person you are dealing with. Let him grow up, and then you can take him back. Because if you take him as soon as he is over with OW, he'll (in his mind) will have you right where he wants you...and it'll be true.

This is tough. In my head I feel I should divorce him and he will continue to cheat on me. My heart still cares for him and we do have children together. He actually reported OW to H.R. at work cause she is harrassing him. He hasn't talked about us at all and I really don't want to. He still seems in this fog because he doesn't seem to be kissing my butt or saying how much he needs me and the family, etc. Not like that would completely change my mind but it is sure helping me see that this will not work if he has no remorse for the agony he has put me through. I do hope the best but I am expecting the worse and that he won't change until he starts to feel a loss. Thanks for the input.