I don't know if I am in a mid life crisis or just being a baby/[censored]! Help me out, I'll make it as short as possible.

My wife is great, SAHM w/2 great kids. Been married 14yrs, together 20.

When we were dating she cheated and I honestly believe she had an EA a couple years after that w/another guy.

I have quit initiating sex as I'd rather her be in the mood than not, make'n love is much better and more meaningful when she is.......weather I finish or not........she always does. The last few times she has come on to me I open my mouth and "IDIOT" seams to spew all over! This morning I told her she was only in the mood cause she saw some good look'n guys last night. Crap! That will sure get her in the sack/mood won't it!

What is make'n me spew pure cow crap out of my mouth is the thought of what she did and said years ago. It is haunting me more now than ever. So I decided to try and think as hard as I can just why this is happening.

One thought was that I'm still embarrased in what she did to me. What do other people think about me? I'm a weak pansy? Looser? Rug?

The other thought is that I want her to hurt as bad as I do. I've had broken bones, stitches(that I even did myself before I found crazy glue) but NOTHING has hurt as bad as what she said and did in the past when she slept w/another guy. I've had my chances to get "even", but I knew how she would feel. She just doesn't understand how bad it hurt and doesn't boost my ego enough for me to get over it. I honestly think I want her to hurt as bad as I do, what kind of freak wants that?

I pray to God that this is just a "phase" I'm going through.

Mid life crisis or just a real A-HOLE down deep?

I've got 2X4's if anyone needs one. Let me have it

Thanks for the help.

LL:

There was a poster about 10 months ago, JustKeepGoin or JusKeepGoin who's W had an A 19 years ago. And he wasn't feeling great about it.

Do a search on that user name and look back a year and you should find it.

He had many of the same issues, and picked up alot of advice, and you might find out many similarities that will assist you in starting/resolving this process.

And about this:

"The other thought is that I want her to hurt as bad as I do"

Will never happen. Your pain will never equal or surpass someone elses. I mean, how do you measure it?

But the pain you inflict? How do you measure that?

And when would it be enough?

And since this is emotional pain, it isn't a far step to physical pain.

After all, your feeling it, right?

Please....

We CAN help you work out the issues with your W.

You have to accept that you have accepted it so far. Now you just have begin the process of reconciling your hurt/concerns with your W.

So your Marriage can grow.

LG

OK, good. You've got a good theory on why you're behaving the way you are.

Now try and think as hard as you can why this is happening NOW. It's clearly not something you've been doing all along. Why is your anger coming out now and not earlier?

My other suggestion is that you acknowledge your [censored] behavior to your wife and apologize. I don't know whether the two of you have sufficient trust right now for you to explain what you think is behind your behavior. You're the best judge of that. But if you can't explain the specifics right now, you might just tell her that you're working through some stuff right now that doing a number on your emotions.

What are your thoughts about seeing a counselor or a marriage counselor?

I wouldn't have an A to get back, it just wouldn't happen cause I could have done it many times before. I do feel I am above that. Thank God.

I think my anger is coming out more now as I have been meeting her EN better than ever. I'm older and wiser.........I think? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Well anyway, I'm meeting EN's and she has been coming on to me very strong for SF. Like it was when she was younger and around other guys, ie college.

Here I am, wanting more SF and knowing that I need to meet her EN's. I meet her EN's and she wants to meet OUR SF and I'm messing it up! I have asked myself "WHY!" so many times. Could it be that I'm getting visions in my head after reading some of the posts on this site? I have spent more time here than usual. Do I think my W is below some of the other W's on this site? Is she a WW.......no all this happened when we were dating. Am I feeling undesirable as no other woman has "really" flirted or asked me out in a while?

I'm spit'n these q's out as I think of them and need to reread my post to think about them.

bottom line is my wife is a dream girl. A bad past for me, but still much better than I deserve. My low self esteem is what is really kick my butt.

I did tell her that it would be nice to know I'm attractive. She said "you are!". I said "Well, could you tell me once in a while?.....and MEAN IT!" Then I had to go and left to put the _______ calves back in the pen. @^$# cattle anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your help "Greatgolfer" and Curious. Really great people here that are will to help strangers........my hat goes off to you.

LL:

I think we understand better what your issues really are.

Your W may be banging you like crazy, but climbs out of bed and states: "I'm glad the lights are off"

SF may not be your #1 EN.

It might be Admiration.

What do you think?

You have been meeting her EN's and now you are having more SF. Because your W is having her EN's met, and it's alot easier for her to have SF with you, cuz she is HAPPY!.

Your push back is coming because she isn't meeting YOURS.

Admiration?
Recreational Companionship?
Domestic Support?
?
?

The order of EN's is not determined by anyone else, they are determined by YOU. And the recommended order by Dr. H, do not apply to everyone.

Do you feel that your W "settled" for you? She had SF with someone else and then ended up with you anyway.

She DID CHOOSE YOU.

Until she states that she says differently, you have to believe her.

If her actions do not align with what she is saying, then you have to resolve that disconnect.

About attractiveness, what do you think. Look in a mirror and tell us about it.

LG