i have been a lurker for over a year now, and really have gotten alot from reading here.

last spring my h started an affair with a single mom/family friend whose daughter was involved in activites with my son. i posted here a few times then.."could it be a midlife crisis??", "not sure whats going on..he says he doesnt want to be married anymore", "do i have to have proof??"...blah blah blah. in my gut i THOUGHT there was an affair, but couldnt prove it, of COURSE he said i was crazy...and when i posted all these crazy things to tiptoe around what my gut knew, many of the wise board regulars/leaders told me (bluntly...but thats what i needed) that in all likelihood, this WAS an A....

on vacation last summer, with the help of a keylogger, i got my proof...everyone here was totally right--there had been an A from may until then (august) and my gut had been RIGHT ON TARGET--i just refused to listen. one would think it would be devasating, and it was in many ways, but it was surprisingly also a relief to know i was, indeed, NOT crazy.

during this time, OW (who was in our circle of girlfriends) had done so much to intentionally befriend me --emailing, asking to dinner...even (good) marriage advice ("you just both need to spend more time alone together)!!

so, once busted, WH was mortified and NC was initiated right then...got counseling with SH (i had already talked to him twice by myself before vacation), got the contract-- and we have worked hard on saving things. he has done nothing but try to do the right thing (altho there are always some still annoying things, things i would like to change--but nothing truly hurtful or that shows he isnt "in" this marriage). i have been the one who has been slow to come around, and i still sometimes wonder if i am doing the right thing, if i will ever be THAT happy with him again, given all this.

there is way more to this story, but it would be too long (tho for some sicko reason, i LOVE to tell the story again..its like a relief every time).

so..here i am a year later..i am happier, and we are doing ok..but still find myself totally consumed alot with HER. i think about her every day, scan the road for her nasty car (she lives RIGHT near us, and so we have potential to run into her on the road, at the grocery, at the elementary school...luckily that has been very rare) and search the net for dirt on her (uh...her daughter was the product of an 8 year affair with a married/kids guy!!! she told me this when i had tried to express concern for her relationship with my h..she told me this factoid as a kind of "i have been down that road, so i would NEVER do that again" and she said she didnt KNOW he was married..yeah, right...) anyway, i have NO idea why i cant get over HER...like, do i want revenge? do i want to publicly ruin her?? yes...nothing illegal or horrible but i am consumed with making her life he11. my husband has been to heck and back with me, very remorseful..and NO, he has NOT gotten off easy or gotten off at all..but what about HER????

what is wrong with me? is this normal? if anybody is gutsy enuf to admit to similiar stuff, how do you STOP thinking about the OW/OM??

i think some of it is HOW DIRECTLY DEVIOUS she was to me(not that isnt par for affairs)--it wasnt like an OW that i didnt know well. also the fact that when i confronted her the first day back from vacation (i know the pros and cons of doing this..but it was done..) she SAID she was sorry, felt "low"..but then as the conversation went on, had way too many excuses and way too much argument to back up any sentiment of remorse. then, as NC had been started, *I* became the one taking my son to this mutual activity and so had contact with her (and her annoying voice) 3 times a week. she tried to make me feel left out there, but i made sure to tactfully expose to people up there. eventually (but not until this past may), she pulled her daughter out of the activity.

so, i want to know how common this is, how "abnormal" this is, and how in the world to stop it--or if no one can relate

thanks so much for listening..and even if nobody replies, for the wonderful advice you give...

sss

I think your feelings are perfectly normal.
time and perspective will help.
on thing you do need IMHO though is DISTANCE....physical distance. NC means absolutley NC. You should not live anywhere you could, might, will or accidently bump into her.

I completely understand. I have no advice as to how to get over it, but I look forward to hearing what others have to say.

She's not worth your mental energy. At least thats what I try to tell myself about OM. Also, I blame my wife far more than OM. We moved and that has helped. I think the BS needs NC too just for different reasons.

Can't fix NORMAL. You were cruelly and grievously assaulted by this woman, so naturally you will be obsessed with it as part of the grieving process. You just went through the CLIMAX of what is usually the ANGER phase in recovery, so it will probably get better after this.

It would help quite a bit if you moved to another town, though. That way you don't have to be triggered all the time. And keep in mind, that if you are triggered by seeing her car, etc, SO IS YOUR HUSBAND. Every time he sees her car or some place that reminds him of her, his feelings are rekindled. Not very good for recovery.

I think about OW, I'm afraid of bumping into her in the street. I hate her. I wish i knew voo doo...lol....no, goes against my religion. But still. I never blamed OW until I found out that it was someone I knew and knew we were M. I still don't blame her in a way, all the blame goes to WS but ---she would smile in my face and play with my kids...all the while knowing she was sleeping with my husband......this is why i hate her.

but I dont believe I think about her (OW) as bad as you do....I believe your problem is that you still have contact with her on a regular basis, plus she was a friend of yours. Giving you advice and everything. You feel betrayed. Even if you guys weren't BFF, you still feel had. And you may still be trying to figure out what FWS saw in her. Or maybe FWS is not giving you the right EN to make you not concern with her.

What are you concerned about her for---her looks? Maybe FWS isn't complimenting you on your looks enough.

Do you feel she never got what was coming to her? Because she's at much as blame in your eyes? Yes, I want my WS OW to hurt as I did when she finds someone....OK OK OK OK ....EVIL...I know, but I'm at an angry point right now. When I'm in a better mood, I usually dont want any harm to come to her (ok that's a lie). I want my husband to get it, I want him to hurt just as much as I did, and if its from guilt so be it. And her....I'm so argry with her...I prayer that the Lord releases my anger from both of them...but at least i love my H and so I know that I wont be angry with him for long. but her. I wish I could just stop being angry at her because its stressful, time consuming, ugly (its not me to hate anyone), UnGodly, and just down right a waste of my precious time.

Pray sososad, pray that she will stop having this power over you, this hold. And I will pray, for you and for myself.

"she would smile in my face and play with my kids...all the while knowing she was sleeping with my husband......this is why i hate her."

EXACTLY!!

"Do you feel she never got what was coming to her? Because she's at much as blame in your eyes?"

ABSOLUTELY..RIGHT ON THE MONEY--YOU COULDNT HAVE SAID IT BETTER!!!

"What are you concerned about her for---her looks? Maybe FWS isn't complimenting you on your looks enough."

THIS MIGHT BE TRUE--i think my esteem (tho it wasnt great to begin with) took yet ANOTHER hit..and by a woman *I* actually thought was really a neat person, with a dynamic personality (was she somebody i wished i was like even before the A..i think so...

anyway, i realize i need to start to think she isnt worth my brain energy, follow some of the redirective thinking that my IC told me about (part of the PTSD after affairs)...

thanks for all your help, and if anybody else has been there, chime in...

sss

I can completely relate.

My wife's OM was someone she had met online playing an MMORPG.

As they began spending more and more time together 'in game', both of them were pushing for me to spend time with both of them in game.

He tried so hard to 'be my friend'. And told my wife that his biggest regret was what their relationship would do to 'our friendship'.

Some friend...gotta love it.

I obsessed and worried about running into him "in game" for a long time afterwards. But after time and changing things around so that the odds of running into him in ANY capacity are pretty much nil...he doesn't cross my mind hardly at all anymore. It took time, and some personal healing, but I think you'll get there too.

In a strange way I think maybe the fact that my WXH was a serial adulterer made it somewhat easier for me to deal with the OW. I don't have to worry too much that they were really that special to him. I admit I took great pleasure in leaving a phone message for last OW telling her that she was not only an OW but merely OW#7 (WH had informed me that it bothered OW that I had referred to her as OW) I also told her that if she really didn't want to be thought of as the OW then she shouldn't be sleeping with my husband. Sheesh! LOL

OW sounds like a real moron. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

SSS, You're still fairly early into recovery. As time passes, you will recover lost feelings for your H and she will fade into something like dirty gum stuck on a shoe

I obsessed too, at first. I daydreamed about sending her a "gift" of haircare products laced with Nair, and candy
with ex-lax drizzled on top, which of course she would have scarfed down in one sitting. I don't have to lay eyes on "Her Heaviness" so I don't have the constant triggers.
Alas, everything I dreamed about came with jail time, so
now, I am smug every time my H snuggles with me, cause she wanted it to be her. Every time he kisses me or flirts with me in public, it's me not her. It's better than Nair!

But you found that exposure of her behavior removed her from at least one activity. Keep it up and smile every time you see her, cause she wants to drive your car!!!

Wow put nicely 22. Im slowly coming out of my obsession with other woman...however, my H is in the withdrawal period so no hug or kisses for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Even though his body is with me, i feel that his mind is with her. However, its not as constant as it use to be. So that's good.

In SoSo's case, I believe (and in my case-but not as bad as Soso) when the person is somewhat a friend of yours....it will take even longer for the obsession to cease...plus she has a constant reminder by seeing her so much.... and.........

now this really really hurts because ---well i dont know how to explain it. My OW, I thought was a neat person too (didnt admire her but still thought she was a nice person) with that being said....I would obsess over the fact that she just really may be Right for him...I already know my flaws, dont know any of hers (other than the fact she's a low-down scum bag wh***) but that was only after finding out the A. It depress me to think that she just may be a really good person. It depressed me to think that she just may be better than me as a person. I felt that she could treat him better only because she was a nice person....all this ran in my head.

BUT ITS A LIE....its a lie....in my case she knew we were M and she didnt care because the truth of the whole thing is that she's jealous of me, she's selfish, she needs attention, and she lonely...and she's pathetic. The nice person I thought was to be true was all a lie....I mean how was she suppose to act...like the Wh0re she really is......Noooooooo so has to act prim and proper and morally correct.

Now think about your case Soso...she's all in your face....SHE'S FAKE....admired her, no dont worry about how you use to admire her....NO hunny that heffa is no more than a good actor. How can you admire someone that would do that. she tried to save your M while sleeping with your man...., she has some nerve....wow hate to see how she treats her enemies. NO, you only admired that front she put on.... so dont feel bad about that. She was merely a good faker and she has no qualities that you even for a second would want.