I’m a 52 year old husband that found out about his wife’s affair approximately 2 years ago. We had been married for 29 years at time. We have four children and at that time they were 28, 26, 24 and 14 years old. The 24 year old and his wife and granddaughter were living with us at the time while they built a house on some property we had given them.

D-day came on the Monday evening following Labor Day 2005. She sat me down on the patio table and told me that she wanted to separate because she no longer loved me and hadn’t for many years. Although there was much dialog that evening, that statement said it all. Of course I asked her who she had been seeing, because I felt something had been different for some time and she said there was no one. My first reaction was to agree, I would be more than glad to have her out, but I was not leaving, and our daughter was not going either.

The next day came and my story changed drastically, from wanting her to leave to begging her to stay. She on the other hand wanted no part of getting back together or seeing counseling. My youngest son ended up being my sounding board for some time during the first several weeks and months. He is the one that mention to me that he knew his mother was seeing someone; that both he and his wife had expected it several times over the past few months. He told me that his mother had panic a few nights before when she got home and was unable to delete a phone number off her new cell phone, which he showed her how. He showed me how to retrieve a deleted number and I found a familiar name when I traced it. He was a boy friend from high school; I believe maybe the first one. Anyway, I confronted her about it and of course they were just friends. This was just before leaving on an important trip over seas. To say the least the trip was a sleepless disaster.

The boy friend actually turned out being a Degreed Master Social Worker and a Lawyer. Now that was interesting. It wouldn’t be until 11 months later when the truth came out about her affair with him and then only after his “live in girl friend” of 10 years called me. My wife was never able to leave me or our family.

There were several major events during the first few weeks and months. I go bow hunting each year with her youngest bother and two other friends. I wanted to cancel the trip but she insisted I go and act like nothing was wrong and I agreed. Come to find out her brother knew, because the night before we left my wife told his wife all about her wanting a separation. This took place after their volleyball game with my daughter in law waiting in the car to go home. By the time I left my daughter in law had told my son who told me that she had talked to her sister in law. Well, I kept my mouth shut until the last night there and I must say, I have never felt as depressed and out of it as I did that night. We went back to a camp where we could cook out and after several drinks I mentioned that I might not be coming back in a year or so. My brother in law told me he knew that our marriage was on the rocks. It was a long night talking about everything including the boy friend. He did not know anything about him but did find out that, his wife and mine had run into this guy while Christmas shopping several months earlier. He also found out that the boy friend and my wife had dinner with their mother and that their father did not approve of it.

My wife and I slept in separate bedrooms from Labor Day for most of the next seven months. Our anniversary is between Christmas and New Years. We had spent it up north several times over the years with her brother the same one I hunt with. I had tried getting her to take time off and spent it up there but she had no time. I wrote her a loving letter and bought flowers and left them for her on our 30 anniversary. She came north later in the week and had gotten me a card and had signed it Love. I still can’t believe she signed it that way after being told so many times over the past months that there were no feelings for me. After we got home she set me down again and said she had rented an apartment and wanted me to let her go and try a separation. And to promise I would let her back if she decided to come back. She had arranged through her sister in law a couple that did marriage counseling and she would go to counseling if she moved out. I told her I was willing to work with the counselors, but if she left I was watching out for me and there were no promises. Well she never left; I found out later that she had the apartment a month earlier. We continued to live in separate rooms until March when I had enough and declared I was leaving if we were not going to start getting back together. She agreed that something had to change and said she wanted to work on it. She told me that the OM and her had spilt ways and that he was having troubles at home with OG friend. After a couple more weeks she asked me to move back into the bedroom. Things went very well over the next month with a spring break trip to Florida and at last we even had sex.

Things went very well over the next few months. At a wedding in July I found myself on the outs with her. We sat at a table with our son wife and daughter. She sat between them and I was on the other side of the table. I really felt like something was wrong again. About two weeks later I received a call one morning at work from a women telling me that my wife and her boy friend had been sleeping around and it was time I knew the truth. After a lengthy conversation I called my wife who denied talking with him since before Thanksgiving and that she was a crazy woman that was trying to start trouble. I left on another trip the following week and called the women during my trip. She told me that my wife and her boyfriend talked and she didn’t care what their story was that they had never stopped seeing each other. I assured her that that was not the case and she should believe them. Well, while I was gone the three of them had a meeting and it didn’t go well. My wife tells me that they were making things up and were trying to break us up because they were having problems. Sounds like grade school crap to me. She confessed that the friendship was more than she had told me and that they had been close for over a year dating back before D day. After questioning what close meant she agreed it was a SA. She assured me that it had been over for almost a year and that they had been talking, but she was just helping him with the problem with his girl friend. She told me all the reasons why the affair went on most of which was my fault and how I had changed over the past year and how she didn’t want this to hurts us. Well after a couple of months I bought the story and moved on. I even got rid of several self help books and other information I was using to understand. I moved on but very cautiously.

Well, I started again feeling something during the winter 07. She still never seemed to have time to go places with me or do things without involving others. Although sexually things were good I started noticing she was not always willing any more. At first I just thought the honeymoon (affair-moon) was over, but I just felt there was something else. I ended up buying a GPS tracking system. After getting back from a trip over seas; I put the device in her car. I was at my uncle’s funeral and because my wife had to cover for a fellow worker on vacation she was unable to go. My wife works for a company with several branches stores within 40 miles of our home. Her actual office is about 40 miles in another town and that is where the A took place. The following day I pulled the tracker and found that she had gone to lunch at a bar and grill and had stopped at the OM office later in the day. Later that day at one of my daughter’s functions, I asked her about someone seeing her at lunch and I mentioned the place. She looked a little startle, but said she didn’t even eat lunch. She continued saying she had gone to a store at noon and that I could call there and some person would confirm. I questioned her a couple days later about it again, saying this guy that had seen her asked if I had mentioned. I told her that I had told him she wasn’t there and he had said she had a twin then and the twin was having lunch with a sandy blond haired man. I also asked if she had stopped by OM office which she said no. Then I started asking her if she had stopped here, here, here, and so on that day. Well after the third of fourth stop she decided to admit she did have lunch and stopped by OM office. Once again I heard those words; “but it’s not what you think”.

What she doesn’t realize is I really know she is a liar. That I can not and probably at this point will never be able to trust her ever again. Her main question to me is “tell me what you want me to do and I will do it?” My response was “I have and you haven’t; so why would I think it will change if I tell it to you again?”

I asked her one more thing to read His Needs Her Needs and then let’s talk. After three weeks and maybe half the book read, I became impatient and sent her an email asking her why it was taking so long. The answer, its hard for me to read because what I’m referred to as and last weekend I was reading it and you came over and stared at me.

After a couple days I looked to see if she had made anymore progress and found she was almost done, in fact, she had read the last chapter first as requested but was reading it again. After some prodding she said that she didn’t know what she is supposed to say or do. Some of what the book said she didn’t agree with. She didn’t get into what. She said that she plans what to say all day, but when she gets home she can’t say it. She says it’s because of way our relationship has been over the years that I would get a look on my face or get mad and then I would not talk to her. My reply, it has been a year and a half and I have not, not talked to you. Do I get upset yes, everyone does including you. But, if you are saying that the reason you lie to me is because the way I’ve been, then you have missed the subject. “I did not make you have an affair. I did not make you start the affair over last summer. I did not make you start the affair over again this spring. You and he are the subject, not me. If there are others problems with our relationship then I am willing to discuss and work on them, but not with this subject at hand.”

So here I am today with no further to report. I think I will come up with a list of things we as a couple can do to start over the healing process. Some of the items that were never settled or brushed off as it’s over no reason to dwell on them, let’s move on etc.

So here what I wrote to her: It is kind of a plan A, but with her doing the exposing.

You ask what I want you to do about the latest lie that you told me about you and Joe Burn’s ongoing affair. After two and a half years and many broken promises I have listed below actions you need to consider doing to help resolve the problems you have caused in our relationship. You will read these and probably feel that I am asking you way too much, but please consider and let me know.

The list:

1. I want you pick a time very soon and a place where we can set down uninterrupted and talk about what you want from our marriage. What you want from me. If you want you can use the needs list, but I would like you to give that to me.

2. Melinda, you pick a time very soon and a place where we can set down uninterrupted and talk about you and OM’s affair. Start with day one, lunches, office visits, hotels, and lake days. Be willing to give details, what you talked about, future plans, how did sex happen the first time, where were you two and where was I. How many trips when I was north did you two get together as I was leaving? This is not all inclusive be willing to answer my questions.

3. I want you to write a letter which I will read; explaining that you will no longer have anything to do with OM and that he is not to try and contact you in anyway. If he does you will file a complaint and get a restraining order placed on him. That your A was a mistake and if you and I have any chance for our marriage to work out he can not be involved ever again and you can not continue to lie to me.

4. I want you to give me the signed letter to mail. I will mail one to him and one to his Mom, Dad, OW, and his brother. The letter will have their names listed as being copied.

5. I want you to write another letter to your family explaining what you have done over the two and a half years. I want it to say as you have said to me that the affair was a mistake and the affair was another mistake even after you promised me it would not happen again. Then, I want you to tell them you started seeing him again even after you promised me that you would never do it again and that you would contact me as soon as he tried. Then I want you to promise all of them that you will not lie to me again or any of them again. That you have sent him and his family a letter stating what is in two above. This letter will be mailed to all our family. Both sides, which includes my Mom and Dad, two brothers and our three adult children.

6. I would like to see you go and talk with a recovery group at Church. They meet every Wednesday evening. After you have been there a while maybe we need to start seeing someone about us. I will leave that up to you, I’m willing.

7. I am going to move all my finances to another bank. We need to review current debts and monthly payments and split them as a percentage of income. You will need to include your mileage allowances. I fully understand this is not considered part of you wages and there for does not have to be included on an income statement. But, I am not leaving and as I am legally responsible person for the debt you are being reimbursed for, you need to use it as such. I also do not have to disclose my expenses nor do I need to pay off the debt on the credit cards I used, I could use mine and your income to do it, just like your car payment, oil changes, and gas.

Well, I couldn’t give the letter to her. Just don’t have big enough nads I guess. Took it home and folded it up and put it on the old microwave stand under one of my hats along with the tracker device. Well, she came out a week or so later and asked if we could talk. I knew something was about to happen just the way she came around the house even before she asked.

She then sat down and told me that she had found the letter I wrote her and that I had put it put in a place where she would find it. That she could not believe what I had asked her to do. I explained that I had not asked her to do anything, because I did not give her the letter. They were only thoughts that I had wrote down. She then said that I had “put it in an obvious place for her to find it”. I wished I had a picture of this obvious place. It is covered with pay check stubs, envelopes, open junk mail, my watch, wallet, cell phone, loose change, two or three hats a small basket that I have all kinds of stuff shoved in like gift certificates, our daughter’s sports pins with her pictures on them, and even a recall on the four wheeler. And she said, I put it in an obvious place to find it and it was folded into quarters lying under the GPS tracker device. She also proceeded to give me ****** for leaving my self help books lying all over. She accused me of wanting our daughter to find them. Then she asked me if I wanted her to tell our daughter and what good that would do for her to know that her mother had an affair. She assured me that she was not seeing him other than to help find his client a job this one time on May 7, and once around Christmas time. I basically listen and did not argue other than to say I did not want her to find it. She then brought up how I had left Joe’s letter laying in my truck for several weeks and that she put it away before we had gone up North, again letting things lay around for our daughter or someone to find. The letter was in an address sealed envelope. Here’s what my letter to the Master Social Worker says.

I just wanted to take the time to tell you how much you have affected the lives of my wife and me. People don’t always realize how much a professional with your stature and experience can accomplish for a person or their personal relationships with others such as my wife and my family. I truly want to express the fact that as long as I live I will never be able to fully express my feelings to you for what you have accomplished and influenced in our lives. Without the 25 plus years of experience in the field of Relationships and as a Degreed Master Social Worker none of this would have been possible. I truly want to share with you my full appreciation for all you have done.

First, was the unique way you spent time socially with my wife. Getting to know her and encouraging her to express her dissatisfaction of me with you. Secondly, having you spend time massaging her problem back. I never realized Clinical Social Work or Law degrees involved massage therapy. One of the best acts was advising her as a friend to leave her husband of thirty years without even hearing the other side of the so called unhappy marriage. I’m sure the influences and experience of your professional career was very important in helping her with her sexual needs and probably one of your proudest career accomplishments, especially with a married women. You could share that one with your clients or better, write a paper on it and present it at one of the professional conferences. You might want to write a book on that therapy method; I’m sure it would be a big seller.

Best of all is the fact that you had such a relationship with her and after it ended knowing that she was going to try and work on her current marriage, but you continued to pursue a relationship with her through last spring and summer. When the fan blew smelly stuff around, it was over again except when you needed to find out if she was doing alright this winter and again last Monday and at this point who knows how many times. Another interesting therapy method; continue seeing or seeking out the person you had the affair with. Result, make damn sure her marriage fails; that way you can get back to the feel good massage and sex therapy. Maybe you could do a book on that one too, or at least a chapter or two.

Surprising is the fact that she feels you are just trying to be a friend. The fact that you tell her Patty moved out and you are interested in another woman from work and she can’t read into you are trying to make her jealous. But on the other hand, maybe I’m the naive one. Maybe once more you both are taking advantage of those around us. In September of 05 after I discovered you she assured me you were just friends, there was nothing else, and it’s not what you think. Then last summer, were just friends; he is having problems with OW I’m just listening, there is nothing else and then now “it’s not what you think”. I’m suppose to believe her; even after asking her several times if she had been at lunch with someone (you) at the Firehouse or if she had stopped by your office later in the afternoon.

I’ve ask her to no longer have contact with you in anyway. This request is not just lately but over the course of almost two years. This is the third time she has gone against my wishes, that I’m aware and they are wishes not demands. As before, I told her if you contact her to tell you get lost and then let me know the contact happened. I don’t know if she ever did tell you, but again someone in your profession already realizes the damage lying and mistrust can cause in any relationship. You are not just a friend and you have been much more so get away and stay away from her.

It’s a shame that we never got the opportunity to meet; I find we have a lot in common, bow hunting, I assume with your dog some bird hunting, ice fishing although based on my observation you go out on thin ice, golf, good looking women, and best of all sexually transmitted diseases. Although, I have been a one women man, I guess I would be the recipient of the diseases, sorry I couldn’t share any with you, but thanks for the opportunity!

Personally, if I had done what you are doing by comparison in my profession, I would have difficulty looking in a mirror. Although, looking in a mirror would be difficult from the level you exist. Please take this as it is intended, personal, you are a piece of ******! Although I might be wrong about the ****** part, but after I think about it, I’m sure you’re a piece of it.

One last thing, my wife is very special to me and always has been and always will be. I love her and will always love her no matter what she or I decide. I have and will continue to take full responsibility for my part of her unhappy marriage, but I will never accept fault in her decision to become involved with another man and then continue like it has with lies, deceit, and deception. I’m sure that I not telling you anything, but I also haven’t always been delighted with the marriage, but I also remember many more good times then bad. The thing is, I could stand around and tell others all the terrible things about her and make it sound like anything I choose, but I’m not sure what that would accomplish; maybe it would legitimize an affair. Please stay away from her and give us a chance as your profession teaches; please stop undermining so much hard work. I haven’t given up on her and I will not in the near future; I have 33 plus years invested in my family and our relationship, which includes adult children that believe in MW and me as a couple, as parents and now as grand parents. We have one minor child who enjoys a home with a mother and a father. Again stay away!

There is one more thing. Last fall I made a call one night to Your girl friend after several hours of drinking and made an [censored] out of myself in front of a friend. MW tells me that you called her concerned with my welfare. Please, don’t be concerned. I have survived several ups and downs over the years and made it through without even knowing you existed. I truly don’t need anymore help from you; I don’t care for people like you. I have used terms such as please and I also say thank you, but please don’t confuse my asking you politely to stay away and underestimate my determined resolve to make that happen.

Have a great life; hope you get back what you have given.
MW Husband,

I then put all the reading materials away. I started looking on the internet about what it would cost me to divorce. In no way is it an option, but I need to look at my financial future, especially if she is going to continue this game playing. At this time I can’t see a financial out without major impact but at least I know, if it comes to that. I found out that our long term marriage and the disparity in wages, is a good case for spouse support for several years. We can be so good together, why, why, why, am I here?

It’s the end of July and she is on a week’s vacation and I have no plans on spending any time with her; wasn’t asked and will not impose. The new grandson is home and she is helping out.

I still haven’t sent this for advice it’s now August 23. I read most all the books MB has to offer over the past year or so. Read other books and bought tapes. I have followed many of the suggestions about always being nice etc,, I could write forever. What would others do next? She would like to act normal, just let it go. My opinion is she will be gone as soon as my daughter graduates from HS. She’s not willing to even talk about it not that she said that but I can tell. She avoids being alone with me.

Hi Denny,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you have to be here, but do know this is the best place to be if you want to recover.

I read your post above and I'm so angry at your wife I need to wait before responding to you. The part about giving you he11 for leaving your self help books around so the kids would see them really has me reeling.

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Jo

Denny, I'm sorry you find yourself here, dealing with this pain we have both experienced.

You've obviously read the material, and done your homework.

I just wanted you to now.. You are my literary hero!

You, Sir are talented.

-JKT

Give her the list again -



Tell her once these are complete, you will give her six months before you make a decision on staying married to her or not. After the six month period of her proving her sincerety to you and that NC has in fact been adhered to, you will see where you are in your recovery and how the future looks then.

Let her know that if NC is broken during the next six months she will be asked to leave the home and you will file for legal separation. And then do it. There will be no more chances to prove that you mean what you say, and a woman will never respect a man who doesn't mean what he says. Also, she won't change if she doesn't have to, so you must show her that she has to, through your actions.

It will take at least 6 months of NC for the fog to lift, and then you will have a better idea of whether or not you want to remain married to her.

Hey, thanks for the advice. I have another problem, how do I confirm the NC when she and he work forty miles away from me and they both can come and go as they please. She has a company phone and will not make the same mistake as she did 2 years ago. I can’t get the phone logs, don’t know if she can either and I can guess what she will tell me if she was to ask for them. I’ve already blown my tracker; I doubt she will go down to his office without checking the car very well. I’m sure if they are still seeing each other, they won’t both drive to lunch. Any ideas – advice?

Thanks

I suggest that you need to expose this affair further. She tells you she is upset that you leave recovery materials around the house--someone could see them.

This tells me she is still living in her little foggy affair world. This affair needs to be exposed to the light of day. Tell all who can help you recover your marriage. That means your children and folks at church, friends and other family members. Let them know that you are seeking their assistance in recovering your marriage.

Also, the scumbag OM is a Master Social Worker? I suggest you expose the affair to his employer. Boinking a married woman who lives at home with her husband, children and grandchild certainly goes against the code of ethics of a Master Social Worker. Request that his employer provide him with ehtics counseling in order to help assist you in keeping him away from your WW as you are trying to recover your marriage.

It is hard to keep tabs on these folk who are still in affair fog land. After reading many stories on this site, I think that exposure is your friend. Getting together with your wife might not seem as tempting after he knows of the letter you send to his employer. He might even get a little upset with her about how she could let you send it. Maybe it won't seem so grand driving out to see him if all her kids know what she is doing.

Don't tell her you are going to expose in the above manner. Just do it. Then when she comes to you, just let her know that you are doing what you need to do to save your marriage. You can let her know that you feel like you let her and the R down by not taking these steps earlier in the attempted recovery, but better late than never.

I do appreciate the advice. I would like to expose this to his employer, but he is self employed. I’ve checked into reporting him to the association that he is licensed through. They can do nothing without proof that he took money in exchange for the counseling. I had mentioned that to the MW early on that I would file a formal compliant and she already informed me of the money exchange fact. They sure have it all worked out. Although last summer after his girlfriend exposed the affair to me; my W threaten him with the same at the meeting. The W did tell me that he is working part time for someone in the area, but she didn’t say and I haven’t been able to find out.

His GF did expose the A to my W’s employer, early on I think before I knew. From what I understand she sent a letter addressed to my W using her maiden name. No one in the office knew who it was so one of the owners opened it then called mw in and asked her if she knew the person the letter was addressed to. I don’t know what else was said. Other than that the only other problem at work was she spent so much time on her cell phone that she got a copy of the bill put in the mail box with question marks on one of the phone numbers, his. Then she questions why she doesn’t get raises.

I do know the address of his ex-wife and know the names of the three adult children and the address of his mother father and brother. I would really like to get to the part time employer, based on my w statement he’s not real busy and really needed the part time job.

It seems that you could find his part time employer. Is he counseling part time?

You could start by calling agencies using a fake name and telling them you were looking for him as you had received counseling from him in the past and lost his number.

Or have someone contact his GF saying they were looking for counseling and heard he was good and ask where he works.

Once you find this, and any other exposure targets, go ahead and expose to his family, et al.

I agree with Lake re: further exposure.



Denny,

If she wants to recover you marriage and to make you feel safe enough to want to as well, she will be completely transparent to you. It is her job to make you feel safe. All her movements need to be transparent. She can accomplish this by calling you and letting you know where she is at all times, etc.

Don't make the mistake of thinking it is your job to keep her honest, it is not.

Also, you had many people calling you up and telling you she was having an affair, that they had seen her with another man, etc. Let them know how much you appreciate this and ask them to continue to advise you if they see any more suspicious behavior.

Exposure helps to let people know that you welcome them telling you what they know or what they see. Most people are afraid to tell, they don't want to hurt you or endanger your friendship, so let them know you appreciate it and please let you know in the future as well.

Denny,

First of all, sorry you have to be here, but you have to be somewhere in your sitch, so here is the place to be.

Usually I can't finish any post that is more than a foot long, (my eyes glaze over and my head hits the keyboard) but I read yours till the end and brother your post was a long one! So I agree with JKT concerning your writing skills.

""how do I confirm the NC when she and he work forty miles away from me and they both can come and go as they please. ""

When a WS and OP work at the same job location MB guidelines say the WS must quit the job to end the contact.

Why wouldn't the same rule hold true in this case. Your WW must quit her 40 mile away job. And hopefully get another job 40 miles in the opposite direction. Or not get another job. Or whatever, but QUIT THE JOB.

You then can take some of the stress out of the NC question.

The heck with that long list of humiliating tasks you made for her.

JUST ASK HER TO DO THIS ONE THING for now. (baby steps) If she loves the job...to bad. It is because of her actions that she must lose it. If $$ is the problem, take less trips.

IMHO

kirk

You mention that I have a lot of people letting me know what she has been doing. That is not the case. Only the OM girl friend who lived with him for ten years actually told me about the SA. Up till that point which was 11 months after D-day I did not know for sure it was something other than “good friends” Even when my w decided to make us work, at the 7 month point, the SA was never confirmed. She still maintained it was “just friends --not what you think”

I did mention a person had seen them a lunch in May this year, but that was lie on my part to see if she would admit it. The tracker in her car was the friend. See friendship can be bought. Her brother that showed support early on apologize to her a few months later for some of the things he had said, and I can tell doesn’t want to discuss which is all right. Both he and his wife are still ready to support if there is a need, meaning working on the marriage, but confirming the NC will be very difficult and I agree it will be up to her. You would think that any intelligent person would understand that if someone (me) requested that they write a letter tell the OM that they no longer could have any contact

At this time I need to make up my mine which method of exposure to use. She already told me she will not write letters discussing this, especially to people who she doesn’t even know and have nothing to do with us, it is no one business. I believe she was referring to his family and maybe some of mine that she really doesn’t like. That’s a whole story in it self.

So I guess I need to spend some time drafting letters. Grow some nads, send the letters, and wait for the fall out. Anyone have a prediction on what will happen next?

Thanks for the advice and sorry about the length. I might just as well just skip asking her to quite the job and move on the filing for divorce. That’s been discussed, and isn’t an option. I’ve suggested many times that she find another which would take care of the no raises problem and the NC. I do agree with you it probably needs to happen and I fully understand MB position, but at this point I’m not there let.

Fury will result.

Which is why you want to do it all at once. Total exposure (including ALL your children...even the 14 year old as I see your wife using that fear of yours against you to manipulate you)

You will FEEL like you made a huge mistake but honestly Denny, can it really get any worst???

Fury can be recovered from...an ongoing...never ceasing affair it can not.

She has carefully manipulated your capitulation for the last few years and has mastered it. She will go all out to make this about your exposure and how wrong your exposure was in an effort to once again shut you up and manipulate you. Don't buy it...but listen anyway following the Plan A do's and don'ts list.

I strongly advise you to plan this exposure out carefully and secretly. Your wife appears to be diligently snooping you so you must maintain discretion. If she (and OM) are forewarned your exposure will be ruined.

BTW...if OM is an attorney in Michigan...Adultery is still listed on the books as a felony. You could report him to the Michigan State Bar Association - Attorney Grievance Commission for such illegal and unethical conduct. Might not go anywhere...but it's a good exposure.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s. - you said exposure "letters". Sometimes phone calls and blanket emails are better since all the targets will most definitely be exposed to the same day. US Mail can end up staggering the exposures.

It "isn't an option" because heretofore you have acquiesced to her continuing her affair AND staying married AND maintaining her secrecy.

If and when NC is achieved and OM is out of the picture...rational thought CAN be re-obtained. Until NC there is really no negotiating with a wayward wife.

Thus...worry about the job soon enough. Expose the Affair to everyone. Plan A a bit more. Discuss with us your custody intentions (your 14 y/o minor would likely be able to choose with whom she wants to live...how's your relationship with her? Consider that exposing to her now and allowing her to watch you stand up for yourself and your family may influence her opinion, love and desire to be with YOU?

While taking MB actions...ultimately you will be in a recovered/recovering marriage or you will end up divorced. There really isn't the endless LIMBO you've endured for the last 2 years. As such..you must both prepare and plan to end the affair and save your marriage AND prepare/plan for divorce (mostly on the backside).

An example...how's the family finances. Prior to all out exposure you may want to take some steps to protect the families money. We have seen waywards (entitled as they are) run to the bank and clean out the family, pay attorney's and file for divorce. Don't get caught broke and unable to defend yourself properly. Divide up joint accounts...maybe payoff a credit card bill or pay off your car (which you'll get to keep regardless). Don't allow wife the liquidity to beat you into submission nor the finances to continue her adulterous ways...to the extent possible.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks again. Just a little more information the daughter is 16 almost 17 now. I mentioned 14 which was D-day 9/05. I will try to keep her, but pretty sure she will side with Mom. I will try and I’m sure I can count on an older brother to help, but I’m not going to make a mess out of her life. My w is a very -- very good mother always has been. I know until know. Don’t get me wrong I’ve been a very good father and we have provided a good home for them all and we are very proud of them all. The oldest is a doctor, number two is a buyer in advertising, and number 3 is a plumber / pipe fitter. All doing very well and we spent a lot of time as a family. It has been and always will be my top priority, even to the point of major self-sacrifice. But hey, not this much, enough is enough.

Consider this.

Your daughter and all your children NEED to see you stand up for yourself and demonstrate/model proper behavior in the face of abuse. Your wife is ABUSING you and your tacit acceptance of her abuse sends a very bad message to your children. For example, your daughter is learning that love and commitment are fleeting. Happiness is life's goal. Selfishness and entitlement is OK. Men are merely tools to use to obtain happiness without sacrifice and men will take it.

I've seen some good stuff much better written on the boards before. Dr. Harley has an article about "what children learn" you can puruse out on the main website.

YOU MATTER. YOUR INTEGRITY MATTERS. Fight the good fight for your marriage, yourself and your family. If it ends...you will be able to hold YOUR head high that you stood by your vows, YOUR commitments and YOUR family and you'll be able to move on...successfully. Tolerating your wife's behavior, er...abuse...is no longer an option.

Mr. Wondering

I think it's very likely your wife is thinking and plotting that once D17 is out of high school...that she'll divorce you then. OM likley has similiar built in delays....so they are just playing this game...in the now...to get as much time together as possible (in fact, their addiction to each other won't allow them to really play it cool completely).

Sure she's seemed to end it for a bit. But I KNOW she has never really ended it. They rarely ever do unless the consequences outweigh the payoff. I don't consider you of ever being a case of a "false recovery" because they have never gone No Contact with each other. Recovery can only begin upon no contact.

Mr. W

Just a little update, I have two of the letters written for her family and our adult kids. Have to complete my families, the OM family and one for my D16. Haven’t had allot of time to complete all of it without having WW asking questions. She knows something is up; so I’m not pushing through this, just slowly getting things around and being nice. I’m still trying to find the OM new job but haven’t had any luck. Had the tracker back in the WWs car, but think I’ve been found out, it wasn’t there this morning. Will be interesting to see if she brings it up, but if she does I’m not backing down and besides she has no idea how long or what I have, so we will see.

I have completed some work on the finances and trying to put that all together. I need to set up an account in my name and have my check auto-deposit changed to that account but not until its all going down. Not a lot of cash on hand most in 401Ks so she can’t hurt me much there, but will be fair a split when things start.

Have looked into filing complaints with both the Michigan bar and NASW, but don’t really know how far that would go, but will be interesting and the OM might think so too.

Is there anything else I am forgetting? I really don’t want this to back firer.

Don't look Denny, JUST DO IT! Heck yes turn this sleazy piece of crap into whatever professional association he is a member of, stating nothing but facts. Let them decide if they want to revoke his licensing or reprimand his sleazy butt.

Denny,

It WILL certainly appear to backfire at the outset. WW will be furious. It will be the proverbial last straw and you will rue the day you exposed....HOWEVER, expose you must.

Your marriage can survive such anger whereas an ongoing and never ending affair it can not.

They will spew hatred because you have put a dagger into the center of the affair. YOU will be taking charge of your life and delivering consequences. You won't be doing it vindictively (I hope)...but constructively, reaching out to others, indicating exactly what is going on and requesting assistance.

Read up on reverse babble. When she gets upset you need to be calm and respond with reverse anti-logic. Things like...I'd thought you and OM would be happy with your LOVE made public. There are other examples all over the boards. Just be ready for hostility and the feeling you've made a huge mistake. Just remember...as you go through it...in the end NOBODY has ever come back here and thought exposuring the truth was a mistake.

Mr. Wondering