After my W admitted she was having an affair,she told me she felt that she had"woke up".She felt she had been"acting"as the perfect wife for years(she was far from perfect).I have read in books about other women who had an affair,and went through an sexual,or emotional awakening.Even as I tried to reason with her,she was convinced that she had been"sleep-walking"through out most of our marriage.She felt she had discovered her true self,and identity(which she accused me of trying to change).The last time I saw her,months ago,she had different clothes,hair,make-up,and wanted to start a new life.I guess I'll never understand this.Can somebody really"wake-up"with a new identity,forget about their past life,or is it just a symptom of having an affair?A shock to the system,sort of speak.Is the change real,or a bunch of BS?Have any of you gone through this while having an affair?Anyone have any comments?? --Murph(the confused one)

Sorry Murphy, I can't answer this since I wasn't the one who had the affair, my H was. The only thing that changed about my H, during his affair, was his Dr.Jekyl/Mr. Hyde behavior.<P>Just wanted you to know that I read your Post.

Hello Murphy,<P>I have the dubious honor of being the betrayed and recently also the betrayer. My affair began after 6 months of trying to "find myself" and going through what I believe to be a mid-life crisis. Never mind that it's a cliche' and a cop-out of sorts. It's how I felt. I lost about 40 pounds (I was very heavy) even before the affair began. I was miserable in my marriage (19 yrs.) and I honestly thought I'd fallen out of love with my H. To make matters worse, I couldn't forgive his affairs from 12 yrs. ago. I guess I forgave, but could not forget. I brought them up (there were 2) over and over again. I also went through a thing where I thought I wanted a soul-mate <blech>. Luckily for me (ha ha) there was this man at work who was going through something similiar. We "clicked" and within 2 months of his employ he came to me and said he was attracted to me. I wasn't to him, I just loved his personality, but you can bet your butt that when he said that I began to see him in a different light. I was sick for a week, lost another 15 pounds, and we decided against doing anything about it. Another week passed, and another 10 pounds. By then I was looking oh-so-much better, and beginning to feel better too. I only meant to talk to him on this one Friday, but one thing led to another, and he kissed me. It was all over from there. I was deep in the land of fantasy and my 19 yr. marriage was over. <P>Funny thing about Fantasyland. It isn't real. I could lose all that weight, put on the pretty make up, put on sexier clothes, buy new undies... but underneath it all I was still me. I was still a wife. I was still unhappy. <P>My affair lasted 3 months. The withdrawls from him lasted about the same amount of time. There are still days, even though I thought withdrawls were long over, that I miss the feeling I had when I was with him. When my H and I have a fight, for instance, I remember that in Fantasyland there are no fights. Eventually though, you have to go home, look at yourself in the mirror and live your life. I suspect your W will do the same one day. I hope so.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl, <BR> Thanks for your reply.Even though you were in a fantasy,did you feel like you were reborn,or experienced a new revelation?This was my W's only affair,and I feel like it really screwed her head up.She is a hopeless romantic,so that does'nt help.Did you try to forget your past,as she is trying to do?How can you just forget 20 years of your life?

Murphy, I can't answer your question but I can tell you that my H is going through the same thing and he wasn't a romantic. At least he never showed it in the 30 years I have know him. He is trying to forget his past, his wife (me) his children, his grandcildren and even his parents. I haven't figured out that one out either. I wish I could find which book talked about it I have read so many lately,but anyway one talks about the fantasy they go through. It total unreal (no pun intended) It is like a drug high which blocks out everything, but there comes a point that the affair no longer gives them the high and the soon come crashing down into reality and then they do wake up to what they have done. <BR> As far as changing what she looks like weel I think all women go through that , at least I did. I have changed hair, make-up and clothes and I am the betrayed. But the forgeting of the past I think based on my H and my reading is part of the affair. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Murphy<P>This is a great post. Well, it's a horrible post to have to make in the first place, but it is a very true post. My W had an "awakening" back in January, when she decided she no longer wanted to be married, no longer loved or respected me, was more in love with the idea of marriage than marriage itself etc. etc. I was dumbfounded until her affair was discovered several weeks later. On one hand I think the awakening has some real merit; she had chosen to hide important things about her desires, dreams, and pain from me and those close to her (and even herself) for years. <P>But an awakening that comes about through the avenue of infidelity is questionable at best. I do think it leads to a kind of temporary insanity (and that temporary can last quite a while). <P>I have no answers for you, other than to look for opportunities to talk about those unspoken dreams and desires she might have. If the affair continues, I wouldn't even do that. I would go to plan B if she will not end the affair. I'm sorry you're suffering. My situation is very, very similar, and now very close to divorce.

Murphy,<BR>I am sure I may get blasted but the awakening thing is the lie that Satan convinces the betrayer into thinking of oneself. Satan himself only thinks of himself. It is merely a means to attempt to justify their actions. It is putting feelings first rather than putting God's will first and then enjoying the feelings God put in us all. <P>I have always stated that feelings are not as important as doing God's will. When I make such a statement, I have found that the only part that is noticed is the feelings part is not important. Feelings are real but only in the proper order. God's will first then the enjoyment of the feelings. God defined it that way. If we follow the Creator's plan we get much more fulfillment and enlightenment than we do wehn it is done the way we have been doing it.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Murphy: I don't think it is an "awakening" in the sense of "sleepwalking through a marriage." It's an awakening of one's self. Some people become comfortable in their environment and neglet either themselves or their S.O. Or, maybe they are the negleted. As I said in an earlier post, my spouse would always tell me how "pretty other women looked" and never me. When the OM's would notice me, I would eat that attention up. Since he was not giving me that affirmation, I was going to get dolled up to get it elsewhere. I realized later that this pattern was not working either. It was causing more stress for me. However, it did "awaken" me to my needs as an individual. I started looking at myself and what I should be doing internally to take care of me. Of course all this didn't start until after I fell on my face by my mistakes. Your wife will realize this later. An awakening will occur, but after she has gone through the fantasy phase and reality hits. Good luck to you.

Murphy,<BR>My W is now awake and heading to her new life. She told me that the OM brought out feelings that she has never felt before. It is absolutely amazing to me the totality of the lack of love she feels for me. When she looks at me now it's more a look of "who are you and why are you here" folks there is absolutely nothing there. I really thought that love is not supposed to die so completely. Sorry to go on like this but I am seriously blown away......<BR>I really don't know anymore which one is under the category of being in a fog.... her affair or our marriage....

murphy and mkn, <BR>my wife just left my home after a talk. I asked if she thinks she is in love. She said yes as much as one can be in 4 months. Said she is not seeking divorce yet, because she still has some doubt about how fast it has been. Not sure if this is good or bad. But, when I asked what needs were being met at beginning or what OM did to "attract her" she said, "I don't think it was anything he did, my initial feelings were attraction, desire, and wanting to know him more. It was solidified by conversation and affection that followed." She said that those initial feelings where ones she had not felt in a long time (never with me) and that she had thought were gone or she buried them. So yeah I guess it was an awakening (or reawakening after 13 yrs from last boyfriend when she first met him). Is it enough? I guess it is for now, and it can last a long time, long enough for her to give up on her marriage and give up her daughter half the time. Ugh...I hate when these so called fantasy relationships seem very real to us and also to the betrayer. Check my new post for more info.

Murphy,<P>I betrayed my H. I know it was a very very bad thing to do, but went through an "awakening" too....and through hell as well. My marriage is on the road to recovery now. You can email me if you want because I hate writing more details in here. hopeful_99_99@yahoo.com

Thanks for your replies so far.I also read the book"The Erotic Silence of the American Wife"by Dalma Heyn.It's a very depressing book that tells about the average woman who tries to be the "perfect wife",and rediscovers herself through an affair.An awakening.It states several cases.I still wonder if it's just not due to the boredom of being married to the same person,and then experiencing new sexual feelings with someone new and exciting.I know if jumped in the sack with some sweet,young thing,instead of my"old"wife,I'd probably be going through the same thing.I'd probably see my W in a whole different light.But her total rejection of me,and forgetting her past life is beyond my comprehension. --Murph

Murphy,<P>Sorry it's taken me so long to answer your questions: you asked...<P>Even though you were in a fantasy,did you feel like you were reborn,or experienced a new revelation?<P>I felt like I was reborn, truly. The OM said to me one day, "you make me feel alive" and it felt good to hear. Then I read that almost 100% of betrayers say those exact words. Another cliche'. <P>Did you try to forget your past,as she is trying to do?<P>No, not really. I knew that I'd spent nearly 20 years in a kind of hell (disabled child, bankruptcy, job losses, moves, his affairs). My H will say the same. <P>How can you just forget 20 years of your life?<P>No, but sometimes I'd like to.<P>So, I guess I'm not so much like your W, after all. Yes, I was in fantasyland, because I believed that the OM would SAVE me from my marriage. My H is a VERY good man, but we just had things WAAAAAY to hard for SUCH a LONG time. <P>I still wish for a healing in my marriage. I wish the same for your marriage. Blessings...<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Sheryl,<BR> Thanks for your reply.No,our marriage was nothing like yours.There may not of been blazing passion,but we hardly ever fought,liked to do the same things together,traveled everywhere,and had a very comfortable life.She had a nice house,a new car,and money to spend.I've always held a good-paying job,did'nt drink that much,never screamed at her,or hit her.I gave her flowers,brought her cups of coffee,gave her massages,and did a lot of the house and yardwork.But I guess I was'nt"passionate"enough.But,realistically,how much passion is there after 20 years?This young"kid"(11 years younger than her)opened car doors for her,kissed her passionately in public,told her she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen,and even said,"Where have you been all my life?"Ever hear that one before?And that is what she expects out of a relationship.I told her I could bring her home a hundred guys that would treat her that way,for a while.But it just seemed no matter what I did for her,it was'nt enough.Maybe she should of been in a marriage like yours,or others,then she'd appreciate what she had.Still sounds like a mid-life crisis to me.Wonder when she'll really wake up?<BR>--Murph

Murph, <P>Who knows WHEN she'll wake up. I just hope she does! I bet you hope for the same. <P>Yes, I heard those words, and lots of other ones too... like, "you're my soulmate" and I always follow that word with <blech> because there is no such thing. Yes, the OM did all the things you mention: open the door, kiss in public (and ALL the ding dong time, at that), hold my hand in the car, tell me I'm the most wonderful, beautiful, _____________(fill in the blank).<P>I did want to clarify something: my H tried as hard as he could to provide a nice home life for his family. It just so happened that it was never enough on a lot of levels. He did bring me coffee, mow the lawn (usually) and take care of us the best he could.<P>I hope your W figures out that Fantasyland is temporary. At some point, it's time to come home.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

An affair is just like getting high. In fact it is getting high! The blood rushes and your body has all kinds of chemical reactions. “Wow, I didn’t know colors could actually be so, so vivid!“ “This is just the funniest show I have EVER seen!” (speaking of the Flintstones)<P>It <I>seems</I> like an awakening because of all the emotions being brought so much to the forefront. It’ll wear off after time, just as the newness of the marriage wears off.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Sheryl,<BR> Another question.You said"it was never enough on a lot of levels".You said your H did a lot of the things that I did,but it was'nt enough.Could you clarify this for me,if you don't mind?Were there serious problems,or just several petty ones?This is'nt the"you just can't please a woman"thing,is it?That's what I felt as my W was reeling off my petty little faults(not that she was perfect).I just wonder if it was'nt me that much,but the fact that she was bored,and wanted something new.But I still keep asking myself"What did I do that was so wrong?"Again,thanks everybody for your responses. --Murph

Murp,<BR>My w said something interesting at counseling tonite. She said all her life she had been so methodical and calculating, the affair allowed her to be crazy and carefree. She said she know feels she may have let the pendalum swing too far.<P>I just wonder if it can swing back to half way so we can enjoy ourselves or will I now be too boring or no be capabale od meeting her needs as supposedly the om did. Will she be tempeted to find someone else ? Will she be kind enough to unload me first or do I have another affair to look forward to if I again fail to meet her needs.<P>The fantasy has to wear off. Reality will set in for them. Is om interested in raising your child ? I don't think my w's om was because this is when the affair started to breakdown when we were starting and she threatened to take the kids from me.<P>You just have to give it time and help her, without lovebusters, see reality, such as making suggestions about child care, family issues, etc. <P>The om promised my w the moon and the stars and in the end he couldn't produce. He dumped her publicly and that is probably helping my cause in that she had a short almost nonexistant(at least from what I can see) withdrawal.

Hey Guys,<P>We are exactaly in the same boat! Also, Sheryl, you are sooo coool! Thanks so much for the insider view. It helps endure this so much.<P>Eric32

Well... I don't think I'm "so cool" at all... but I appreciate the thought behind it.<P>Murph,<P>About it being never enough... no, I'm not talking petty crap, honestly. Yes, there is SOME of that, but mostly it was BIG HUGE STUFF like our son with disabilities, a bankruptcy where we lost absoultely everything (I even had to walk to work!), my HUGE weight gains and losses, my H being a workaholic and my being a spendaholic, my H's two emotional affairs, and the minister of a church we had attended and loved for five years who came on to me. All of these things added up to make us both very, very unhappy. Never enough meant that, yes, he could bring me coffee, but if he didn't help me with our son, then I was left in the cold, so to speak. He works nights, is never home (does side work during the day) and he could mow the lawn on Saturday, but not fix something else at home because he was busy at everyone else's house. Stuff like that.<P>I want to make it VERY clear that my affair was NOT my H's fault. It was mine alone. Although BOTH of us caused the unhappiness in our marriage, I CHOSE to have an affair. I could rattle off tons of stuff about my H, of course, since we've been married a zillion years (actually 19 1/2) and he could do the same with me... and he would possibly have more on his list about me. <P>Murph, you do need to realize your part in the unhappiness, but it is wrong for your W to "blame" you for her affair. Very wrong!<P>Keep up the therapy... you're on the right track! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 14, 1999).]