Hi. I am a single father of one(5) and I am seriously dating a single mother of two(10 and 14). We have been dating for a while and are both absolutely certain that this relationship is the one. We are getting ready to sit down with the girls (the three kids are all girls) to discuss this with them and obviously, it's a pretty sensitive issue.
I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to talk to them about this. I think my girlfriend's kids are worried that I will be taking their mother's attention away from them which is definitely not my intention. I care greatly about her kids but I still see it coming up as an issue. Their father was abusive and is no longer in their lives so they have come to rely on their mother.
I want them to know that I'm not coming into their lives to steal their mother's attention but to give them some of my attention as well.
So how do I do it without scaring the kids away from me?

Jeff
Oak Park, MI

There are books on the topic of blending families, as well as how to discuss it with the children.
The book Mom's house/dad's house likely has some suggestions.
I always tell my children that love grows and grows and grows, and that you can't have too many people who love you.
There are many examples the kids see out there on TV, so it actually may be easier than you think. Do the kids watch Disney's Drake & Josh? If so, that's a blended family, as is another Disney family (Life with Derek) and they've dealt with various blended family issues.

If you are concerned about it, you are already probably better off than most. Do the best you can for all the kids involved.

I think you phrased it beautifully in your original post:

"I want them to know that I'm not coming into their lives to steal their mother's attention but to give them some of my attention as well."

If you sincerely say to them, "I want you to know that I'm not coming into your lives to steal your mother's attention but to give you some of my attention as well" they will understand. You can't say it any better than that.

Chris

Thanks. I will try to use the disney channel stuff. The younger one watches is a lot and I'm worried about her the most.

Yeah, I really do care about the kids which is probably why I'm so worried about this (maybe too worried). Do you think it would be best for both of us to sit down with the three of them or should we each talk with our own kids seperately first?

i think if it's separate at first, then you can address your child's concerns and questions which may not come up with the other parent and children there as they may feel outnumbered etc. also they may not show their true feelings, especially your young one.

What is it you are planning to tell them?

That you're getting married? That you are moving in together?

I'm not sure that being "the one" needs announcement. ??

OK, so 7 months ago you were still wanting to work it out with your wife, but she wasn't sure she could let go of the guilt of her affair. So presumably in the last seven months you decided to divorce, divorced (right?), met someone, and decided that she's the one (right?).

I know this is not what you are asking, but my advice would be to slow way down and date this woman for a year or so before deciding if she's the one. These boards are filled with people who met "the one" after a divorce, only to find that the "oneness" did not stand the test of time. Before bringing the kids into it, why not give it some real time?

AGG

i can't believe i am going to do this, but i have to agree with agg on this one... all was going well in my relationship (for the most part) as well until we introduced children. we were not quite at that one year mark yet either but thought it was definitely time for our kids to meet (i am guilty too as i thought they should too). meeting children puts a whole new dynamic on things. a whole new seriousness.

long story short, kids got along fine. the adults (ie, me and bf, moreso bf) freaked out. he ended us not long after they left here after all of us meeting because he sooo is not ready for the whole kids meeting and "the one" thing. neither one of us are dating anyone else, we are taking alone time. we do still talk and may one day try again.

i'd wait honestly.

mlhb

Ok, well... everyone has met everyone. It wasn't even that much of a big deal. We all get along and nobody has freaked out. The only part I'm worried about it impressing on the children the perminance of the situation.

When you say "permanence", does that mean you have decided to get married, move in together, or what?

How long have you been divorced? How many people have you dated since the divroce? How about her?

AGG

Kids from divorced families know that nothing is permanent. So, choose your words carefully.