I am a single 38-yr old woman who has never been married. I have dedicated a lot of my time/emotion to my work and friends. I feel happy and content alone, with some close friends, a creative life, and a job that I have been enjoying throughout my entire life (teaching/research).
But now I met a man. And we clearly fulfill each other's emotional needs in a manner that has never occured to either of us before.

But... he is married.
He said that he is separating from his wife, and that his 4 tentatives to salvage the marriage through couseling (and more) have all been vain. He has come to the conclusion that he cannot salvage his marriage because the basic premise of romantic love was never there in the first place and has never been there. He cannot remember (or so he says) a "happy moment together". They thought to delay any decision about their relationship until the 3 children were old enough to leave home. The last one left 2 years ago.

I am trying not to communicate with him until he figures things out. Somehow, though, I do hope we manage to get together one day. And I rationalize that "it is OK for him to divorce" because he cannot find the romantic love again, since it was never there in the first place. But this might just be my wishful thinking.

So why did he get married in the first place? He claims that it is because she represented family and stability, which was very important since he came from a very disfunctional family. But they never romantically loved each other (or so he says/remembers). They seldom had intercourse, and very little pleasure in it right from the start. But it did produce 3 children, and a family, which provided stability and other emotional needs, none of which, hower, seemed to have created romantic love.
I have the impression that when he met me he saw a world that he did not even know existed.

So I am not sure how to handle this. Should I just try to let go of my hopes of a future together, where we both feel right about our choice of being together?
I have no doubt that we would be able to fulfil each other's emotional needs, and create a happy relationship, with romantic love. But would it be right???

Any insight?
thanks!
micky

steer clear of him until he is AT LEAST legally separated, if not, divorced.

you are playing with fire while he is still married and in the marital home.

there are 2 sides to every story. i bet if you asked the wife she would say that their marriage is fine....

nope, if i were you, i would not go there. take it from us women who have been betrayed by men saying the same lines to the ow they were pursuing. those men being OUR husbands.

mlhb

Ditto what mlhb said. Everything this guy said to you is exactly what my WH said to me. And I had no idea anything was wrong beforehand. The track record for affairs turning into successful relationships are not good, so you are not only ruining his BW's life, but at terrible odds.

DITTO! RUUUUUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

It you're really compatible and really meant to be, it will still work AFTER the D is FINAL.

J, (still legally married to a serial adulterer who's probably screwing the latest one even as I type... and what in the world is SHE thinking?! What a great catch?! Roll eyes.)

Based on the scope of conversations between the two of you and the emotional feelings that you now share for each other it is clear that you are already involved in what this website terms an "emotional affair" (EA).

It is best if you leave him to his personal business. If he intends to seek a divorce, he will do so. If you choose to seek a relationship with him thereafter, have at it.


If you are so confident then there is no reason NOT to wait until he is free of his marriage.

mmicky,

You may not realize this, but a VERY high percent of the betrayed spouses' situation on this site is where their cheating spouse was telling the OP (other person) they were separated, divorced or divorcing.

And oh yeah, the betrayed spouse knew nothing of a "divorce" in the works.

Why would you want to be involved with someone who is clearly not available?

Run for your life!

One word...


RUN!

If you want further explanation read some posts in Just FOund Out or GQII.

Mark

Thanks everyone.
Yes I know. I do not want to be involved with someone who is not available - and I will not. It is a mutual agreement, which is why we agreed to stay clear of each other. But say he does become available one day (and who knows in how long) does it mean that we started off with the wrong foot and there is no hope even then, when/if he is available?

This man is more than willing to cheat with you while he is still "MARRIED". Regardless if you wait till he is officially available (aka divorced), he has the propensity to cheat. He doesn't honor marriage or marriage vows. He's clearly demonstarted this to you. He behaves as though those vows he said were "guidelines" he can bend.

There is no "almost Divorced". Just like you can't be a little bit pregnant.

What makes you think he won't treat you in the same manner if you were to marry.

Jo

Ever hear of 'Rebound Relationships'? And can you actually TRUST this joker who, while still married - dates someone else? The only difference relationship-wise between his wife NOW and YOU is that she's married to him and you aren't. Once you marry him - what's to say he won't eventually GO LOOKING AGAIN for someone else - sounds like he does not know what "forsaking all others" means in his Marriage Vows.
My advice: RUN LIKE ******! And don't look back.
S-TDL

Tell him once he's divorced and can show you the papers he's free to look you up. (if you're still available) I'll bet you don't hear from again. And that's probably a good thing. No man is worth having if he thinks it's okay to disrespect the mother of his children by seeking another female companion. Would you want THAT for a husband? Once he's bored he'll probably do it again.

mmicky,

Even if he does divorce his wife and comes back to you, do you really want someone like him? I'm sorry..... but I have no respect for any man who is still married and having a relationship with another, emotional or physical.

Tell the spineless punk to take a hike. I'm so sick of liars and cheaters having been married to one. I'm sure my ex had all sorts of symathy from his "just a friend", saying one thing to me, going on and on to counselors, and what to her? We all know what they say to the other women? Do you really buy it? Two years? Wha, wha, wha, let him boo hoo to someone else. I don't know how you "have no doubt" that you could have a great future together, you can't possibly know this man well enough to come to that conclusion. I bet ya you aren't the first other woman who's heard this story too. And how about that he's "waiting" until the last child is out of the house, come on... if the kid is 16 he/she is big enough to handle this. Can handle this more than a rediculous disfunctional house. Tell the stupid little boy in a man's body to pay a shrink for sympathy and stop supporting his emotional whining.

Oh, yeah, my x left me for some woman at work....who told him all about how hard her life was. You don't need someone like this. You deserve better - so does his wife.

I agree. We ALL deserved better.

But, you should start thinking about why you would even consider being involved with a MARRIED man.

Don't you think Marriage is a sacred union between only two people? Or, is it only sacred when its YOUR marriage???

That is a good point (don't you think marriage is a sacred union?). I have never been married, so I cannot vouch for the sacredness towards "me" (next question). I grew up without considering marriage as anything much, because everyone seemed to be marrying and divorcing like buying candy and exchanging it for another flavor. I saw so many people marrying so quickly, and they looked so incompatible to me. And they divorced soon after, even with enthusiastic agreement at times! But people kept doing it, many times too, and from a very early age. It was like a sport, almost. I am not sure that, in all those cases, it was because they did not follow the rules on how to stay in love. I am not sure they were ever really in love in the first place. Just infatuated, or something else. Or I dont know. Many did not follow the rules, and then duh, it broke. The fact is that it was so "common". Something sacred should be respected, but nobody seems to respect it. So growing up seeing that, how can one think much of it and take it seriously?

But reading Harley's books offers a new perspective.
And I hope I can appreciate it more and more. Enough to respect it and not hurt people again.

It is interesting though, how Harley's good way of communicating does not seem to get across to some of his readers (I'm not referring to the last one, which is very nice), but others. They seem to gravitate towards those angry outbursts and judgmental soap-box type of preaching. It is hard to integrate information when it is given in such a manner.
I understand their anger and frustration in wanting to "protect" others from suffering like them. But it might not be the best way to make their point. I just see a lot of suffering and anger, and take it as that, not as a point they make towards me, but a statement they are making about themselves.

The last question finally puts "me" into the picture too, without just throwing stones at the "bad man" - he is not the only one to blame.

Anyway, thanks all for the advice, especially the ones that prompt "thinking", without making demands, implying judgment and having angry outbursts. But if I try to detach myself from the "style" of some of these comments, I might manage to integrate them too!

I'm just curious, since you feel so confident that you and this man will fill each others' emotional needs, what has the nature of your relationship with him been, and how long has it gone on?

AGG

By these comments we know it wasn't a casual relationship, and your attitude that marriage is "nothing much" says a lot too. Of course you are going to get outburts and anger from people who have been through this if you post on the divorce section of a marriage site for goodness sake, we are all either getting a divorce or are divorced! Yes "other" women (or men) are a whole lot to blame, in fact there's something Biblical usually said at weddings "that no man shall take apart..." does that ring a bell? If you so casually ask a question like you did in a forum that really isn't "casual" people - but heart broken folks who've been through ****** - and NO marriage isn't something you just go in and out of, divorce is living ******. So are bad marriages. But the worst ****** is when someone comes into YOUR marriage, acts like it's nothing, takes advantage when you are going through hard times and makes all sorts of assumptions about what is going on in something that was once considered "the sanctity of marriage". Not to run you off from this site as I'm rarely here, but yes you are going to push buttons with your oh so casual "what's wrong with an affair with a married man" question for goodness sake. That you don't even get why you'd get heated responses amazes me more. I know there are some yahoo groups and other places where people go to chat that are open about their cheating, even brag about it - if you want support those groups might be the place to do, not a marriage/divorce site.

Hmm, I dont think I ever thought "what is wrong with having an affair with a married man". But I undestand that it comes across as that, because I am implying that I have the guts to consider the possibility of a future relationship with a man who is divorcing. If I had met him as already divorced, it would be another story. But he is not. That implies I dont respect marriage, if I conceive of a future relationship with someone who is still legally married. To be honest, I am only learning now (after I have had this "wrong" feeling towards a man who is still legally married), to understand what marriage means. I grew up seeing people getting married and divorcing really easily. So this belief that I had was not because of anything I did with my marriage (I have never been married), it was because people around me seemed take it so lightly. Clearly, if you are on this site, you are NOT taking marriage lightly (you would be on those yahoo groups you mention). So it does not apply to everyone that marriage is like a pack of candy that one can exchange easily with another flavor, but it definitely does seem to apply to many many many. When you look at all the actors and people out there, they seem to act as if marrying and divorcing was like making another film. They send out messages to people that "this casual attitude is normal". And people absorb that message and end up believing in it. Until they know better, or read books, etc.
So, can you really blame someone for growing up with this belief, if that is the message that so many people send out?
I realize that marriage is NOT something light, but it took a lot of learning to realize that. And it is all very recent learning. Very very recent. It took me reading the books by Harley to realize the meaning of it, and I still have a lot to learn. I started reading these books when I realized that I had such feelings for a man who is undergoing a hard time. Probably a very vulnerable man, as he was in the process of ending his marriage.

The issue I was fighting with is that for the first time in my life I saw a person I could fall in love with. And this had never happened before. So for the first time I found myself thinking of marriage and of what it means. For the first time. But, obviously, all the premises are wrong. As it is wrong to make assumptions on what he is going through with his family.

It is clear that this can generate "hatred" responses. But I am not sure that it is really the best way to communicate. Can a point be well taken if it is offensive?

I understand your pain, and dont want to be one of those people who put such pain into others. As stated in the first message, we cut communication. But still, I realize myself even considering a future. Which is wrong in the first place and it might be just my wishful thinking that it is a mutual agreement that they have decided to end their marriage.

mmicky,

Given all that has been said, what have you learned about yourself and about the concept of marriage? That is really the important question.

I can assure you that there are many men out there that might be the man for you, however, if you have learned a thing or two posting here, I would bet the list got shorter in someways and changed in others. What do you think?

God Bless,

JL