My husband has been back a month now after I kicked him out for 2 weeks (went back to live at mums) after his affair with OW. Trouble is the OW works with him and he has just been promoted which means he will be office based and within a few feet of OW every day - they are having a meeting today with other staff. He swears its over and he has learnt his lesson and that I have nothing to worry about. I have spoken to the OW who also tells me the same story. How can I begin to trust him?? I really want to and the last month has been good and after him working away from home for the last 16 years I should be over the moon that at last he has been promoted and he will be back home every night but I cant get the thought of it starting up again off my mind. What should I do?? Should I try to ignore it and look to see if any signs show again? Should I ask about her (he does tell me if he has spoken to her about work etc.... which is inevitable at the moment) I am so confused - happy he's no longer working away but worried it may start again although he has given me no reason to suspect this.

Loubie,
You have had a few threads going so I read up on them.

You can not trust your husband.

He had what you call a drunken one night stand with a friend 4 years ago. You walked in on this one night and they did not finish the act. You seem to believe that it was only that one night that they were together. You broke off all contact with this OW, except that you run into her from time to time at your work. (you are a counselor, is this OW also a counselor?)

Now, your H has had an affair with an OW who works in his office. He tells you it was only kissing and hugging and you believe him as the OW also tells you the same story. You were advised to follow Marriage Builders Principals and that you should tell OW's H, you should expose the affair to the workplace by letter, Your H should get another job or OW should get another job, you should not protect your 14 year old daughter from knowledge of the affair as she was old enough to understand and young people could deal better with the truth rather than lies.

From all that I can tell, you did not follow any of the above suggestions. You did call OW and vent to her and threaten to tell her H about the affair. But you ended the conversation telling her you would not tell her H and you hoped she would not tell her H. Your rationale for this is that OW's H has a temper and has gotten physical in the past. Although at one point OW's H caught wind of something going on between your H and his W and did not come over to your house out of respect for your daughter.

Well, I am truly sorry for the anguish you are going through. But, based on the information as I know it, I have to say that you can not trust your H. Most likely, the Affair is still ongoing and most likely is more than hugging and kissing.

Please tell us if I am mistaken in my understanding of the situation. Again, I am sorry to be so blunt and I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

No..Loubie, you can't ignore it.

His affair will continue every single day that he has contact with the OW of any kind.

Thats why affair recovery can not happen in a marriage until no contact FOR LIFE is established.

You need to understand that no matter what either of them say, the affair is still on.

Your next step - which will make your husband very angry - is to expose his affair to his management and/or HR.

Expose to his mother also, and any other family members.

He will tell you that you have killed any chance of saving your marriage. He will be very very very angry.

But that's OK. They all do this. And they all get over it.

You MUST do this if you want to save your marriage.

Keep your cool, expose expose expose, and then get ready to ride the roller coaster.

Don't expect him to end the affair right away. It's more likely that he'll move out. That's just more of the cheating spouse script that they all read from.

You'll need to read up on Plan A and Plan B. Keep coming back here, you'll get support and a reality check when you need one!

Loube,

The plain and simple truth is and will always be that your marriage will not recover as long as there is still contact between your WH and OW. NC is not an option here if your marriage is to recover.

Even if they were to end the A, there would always be the temptation to restart it at some point in the future. Also, you will never be able to feel secure again with them seeing each other every day at work.

I would bet that if you had exposed the A to his employer, he wouldn't have gotten the promotion.

Who

your H needs to quit.

you need to expose.

there needs to be a NC letter.


OR... you need to get used to your H screwing around.

YOUR choice.

Expose the affair. The affair has not ended as long as they continue to work together. One of them will need to leave their job.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

He needs to quit his job. Or, she must resign. No other answer if you want your marriage to recover.

Jo

"Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ****." (from ML's post of Harley's work).

Let him know that this arrangement doesn't work for you even if it does work for him and for her and even if the affair is over. Your feelings aren't being considered -- again.

Cherished

You can't, so don't.

Part of recovery is your H helping you have closure. You can't have closure until he rebuilds your trust in him.

Have you read SAA & HNHN? If not do so now, both of you take the EN questionnaire and then call Steve H for a recovery plan.

L.