New thread cause the last died quickly. Wont go back into detail since things seem to be getting better. Trying to do Plan A.

She had a 2 month EA on the cellphone but still maintains thats all it was and has never admitted it was anything beyond "hows it goin" type stuff. Way to many calls though all throughout the day for that. But thats okay, I am over that pretty much.

It appears she did end it immediately after discovery and it appears there has been no contact since.

We immediately tried to reconcil but after 4 days it blew up because of a day of weakness on my part.

We spent a couple of weeks apart, her and the kids stayed with her dad right down the road.

Finally we are back in the swing of things pretty much, but she has been sleeping in my sons room ever since.

I have finally got a few hugs of late, but I am the initiater. She has never been the initiater in the past either. But she was the one to finally reach out and touch me a few times so I felt I should try.

Still not wanting to talk or go to counseling yet. Wrote her a really nice letter and the ball is basically in her court now.

She originally told me it was over between us and it sounded like she would just stay together just for the kids and we would try to be friends.

I let her know I was working towards us being together as H/W and would be patient but I would not live in a loveless marriage.

How long do I wait though????

I felt maybe this morning after I initiated another hug that I would back off now and wait for her to come to me for physical affection. Should I or should I continue to try to break down the wall between us????

She has said many times to quit pushing.

Is that pushing, I am just so lonely now and it feels like the right thing to do especially when I hug all the kids goodbye and goodnights.

We seem to be moving in the right direction, I just dont want to ignore it all though and sweep it all under the rug for it to just come back and bite us again. She seems to always do that with problems.

I dont need to talk about the actually A. But I just need to know if she does want the same thing now as I do. A truely meaningful relationship as H/W.

She just doesnt know what she wants right now. I still feel like I am on trial now. So hard to say and do the right things. Especially when she wont let me back in to meet any emotional needs. It makes me look pushy, needy, and like I am sucking up.

Please flood me with advice this time!!!!!
Thanks

How do you know the affair is over? Have you been monitoring all of her activities?

Also, have you set up a plan of recovery? Do you have Surviving an Affair by Bill Harley?

Yes. and she knows that was the wrong thing to do even talking to this other man. I believe she is still having problems with the guilt of what she did do. She is a very good person and very religious, and this person supposedly was nothing to her. I have found no proof it has continued.

Havent found that book yet in the store, have no credit card currently for ordering online and hate using them. Oh and we have had what I consider a great marriage of 12 years with 3 beautiful happy kids....until now. They seem to be doing good now, but of course they still see mom not showing affection and sleeping in another room. I dont feel thats healthy either but it is far better than where we were.

Who was this guy? Is he married? Where did she meet him? What does he do?

Some guy that came through the bank where she works. Divorced but supposedly has a girlfriend he is very happy with, but of course thats her story and she lied so much at D-Day....so still not for certain.

I do feel it is over and I dont know much about him. I could find out more but for what point? To try and destroy his relationship as well? I am trying to move past that jealousy and I do really think she would never swing back that way. She seen what would happen and she is very remorseful in her own way.

She had let our 15 year old daughter in on her secret but it was explained that he was just a friend. To talk to.
He was supposedly helping her with her feelings about us. and believe me she and I know he was the wrong person to turn to.

thanks

I would definitely get the book so you can find out what caused this. If you don't find out what led to this and resolve it, it WILL happen again. Your marriage needs a plan of recovery in order to recover from this.

Surviving an Affair will give you an understanding of the dynamics of an affair and His Needs, Her Needs will help you in a plan of recovery.

Your W has all the traits of a wife who has withdrawn from your marriage because she is emotionally invested ELSEWHERE. That tells me she is either still in the affair or is in withdrawal.

But, the most important thing, Decentaur, is educating yourself about what happened so you can take appropriate steps to prevent a repeat.

If it makes you feel pushy, needy and like you are sucking up, please don't do it.

You can be inviting, fun, caring, bright and shining...all attractive and make you feel good. If she joins you, it will have to be her choice.

Things take time.

If you feel you are not getting the amount replies here you would like to see, then please keep posting. If you post a lot, you will get lots of replies. Some people take a lot of time to post to someone who never come back, so show you are going to stick around until you have what you need and you'll get lots of help here.

Oh believe me I am reading alot and I know I am to blame for alot of why this happened and have made huge changes in my life.

Yes I know she is in withdrawl and had been even before turning to this OM. Like I said though she has been "Doin the best she can" at this point and even starting to reach out to me as well. Those hugs were from heaven.

I have had a wild adventurous life and have had many demons come raging back into my life but nothing so severe as to cause permeament damage. I have changed and will stay on course no matter what.

I think she just needs to see and know it is for good this time before she can ever let me back in. We have to learn to be good friends again.....in fact we never really gave that a chance and have let the kids be our main focus.

We jumped right into bed the first night out and I was wanting to wait but I am very weak in that area and it felt so right and has been a magical wonderous relationship for the most part.

I have been the one to pull back every so often and she got tired of it.

The reason you would want to find out is so you can inform his wife/gf about the affair so she can have the same chance as you to repair the problem. She has a right and a need to know so she can protect herself from your wife and her H. If there are 2 ppl watching from both ends, a resumption is unlikely.

Affairs thrive on SECRECY, so the secrecy should be removed.

This will also help ensure that the affair does not resume. For example, the OM needs to make arrangements to find another bank for his business. Your W should never see him again, even if she has to leave her job to achieve that. Seeing him at all will only rekindle her feelings.

I would also have a chat with your 15 yr old since it sounds like your wife has lied to her. That is morally confusing to kids. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies.

Mel said:



Dec,

How were you in the marriage dept? Were you LB'g, D/J'g, neglectful? If so, make sure you stop those things now, and that you try and figure out what her needs are. And I'm not saying any of this is your fault, either.

But maybe her need is conversation and if you can meet that 100% of the time, she will feel like hugging you.

Women get resentful if their needs are not met, and then the last thing they want to do is hug you or have SF.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

I guess I fear she will get furious again if I pursue trying to rat this OM out to his g/f. I think about it alot and it is mostly out of anger to hurt him like he hurt me. WW promised to stop all contact and let someone else wait on him if he comes through the bank. She is trying to find another job as well. Fear of pushing this issue too much will cause us to fall apart again when things are so much better.

Well, there you go. Things take time, especially changes to stick as well as to be trusted. Patience DaC.

Make sure you are reading all the free info on this site regarding E/N's, LB's, D/J's and the four rules of a good marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

edited to fix your name DaC. These old eyes must be getting tired.

DC, this is not enough. In order to recover, it will be important to find out EXACTLY what needs of hers were not met. It will be important to find out EXACTLY what behaviors of yours [and hers] are LOVEBUSTERS. That is what will effect a successful recovery. And you can't do that unless you understand WHY a person falls in love.

A person falls in love when their needs are met. They fall out of love when their partner engages in lovebusters. The KEY to restoring love will be to a) spend 15 hours a week meeting each others needs and b) FINDING OUT WHAT THOSE NEEDS ARE and c) avoiding lovebusters.

This program REALLY DOES WORK, but one has to understand it first.

Appeasement does not only not work, it will hinder your recovery, and reduce your own level of respect for yourself. You're marriage is not yet recovered, and so POJA at this point is not effective.

When she comes to you and says she is willing to do whatever it takes, for however long, to recover your marriage and make you feel safe...

well then you will no you are no longer dealing with a wayward mindset.

At this point, do what you need to do to protect your marriage, and yourself.

And by all means, keep working on your changes so that she can see what a wonderful man you are, and she will begin to want to hug your brains out.

So do you all still feel I need to pursue exposing this OM?

So afraid it will disrupt what we have going now.

If is pursue it, do I do it secretly and confront him and tell him to change banks or I will expose him to his g/f or do I try to find out who she is as well and give her a letter with the cellphone log?

My wife is a very strong women and even though I felt bad about doing so....I found out she has no need or want of another man as well.

D-day was the 4th of July. Major fireworks. Like I said it has really begun to settle down. Do I risk losing that to expose this OM?

Not telling the OM's GF is the greater threat to your marriage because it leaves the door wide open for a resumption. The only reason your W would be angry is because she a) wants to keep the door open for a resumption or b) wants to avoid the consequences of what she has done. Both very bad reasons for keeping her victim in ignorance. Keeping this secret is nothing more than ENABLING that helps keep your W dishonest and threatens your marriage by making it easier for her to resume her affair.

Are you really that afraid of her anger? Is she bigger than you?

As far as being angry at the OM, arent you supposed to be angry at him? That would be abnormal to NOT be angry at him. But that is all completely irrelevant to the GF's right and need to know about the affair. She needs to be told.

It is in EVERYBODY'S BEST INTEREST for the OMGF to be informed. It is in your best interest, your W and childrens best interest, the OM's best interest and the OMGF best interest. Everyone benefits.

The *ONLY* thing that does not benefit from this exposure IS THE AFFAIR. And certainly it is not your goal to enable the affair?

You should not count on your wife asking someone else to wait on the OM, that just will not suffice and is completely unrealistic. Besides, talk is cheap with a WS. Lets say she does actually ask someone else to wait on him [she would have to explain WHY which is why I don't believe it in the first place] that means she is exposed to him again, which prevents her from withdrawing.